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See Current contributions.
See May 97 contributions.
See Apr 97 contributions.
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Mon Jun 30 15:04:16 1997
F16 in Prior Lake, Minnesota =USA=
Name: Lisa <norm0064-at-tc.umn.edu>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
did a search for personality tests, etc
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Prof/Studies: cashier
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3.5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 62.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
frightening, confusing, complicated, difficult to deal with, somewhat
unexplainable at times
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandpa died suddenly from a massive heart attack
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the funeral
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
what happens after we die
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it changed me and taught me to appreciate the time that i do have and to
make the most of it while i can
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
just being alone and sorting out my feelings
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never being able to say good bye
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned from the experience not to hold grudges or get upset about little
things that don't matter in the long run
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
when i first heard of the death
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say good bye knowing it was the last time i'd see/talk to him
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go to the funeral
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the fact that i didn't want to attend the wake
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
something reminds me of him
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died young, that he had finally *really* started taking care of
himself, that i never got to say good bye, that i was never able to spend too
much time with him
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see him again one last time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
resentment because they didn't do anything, by the time they finally showed
up (20 minutes after the emergency call was made) it was too late
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing to me because i'm not really a religious person
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i felt that the person talking at the funeral (minister, priest, i'm not
sure of his title) was just giving the same speech he gives at every funeral and
i thought it was strange that someone who never even knew him was saying things
about him
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it depends on the person and the death, the stages are a very individual thing
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
i just wish i could have seen him one last time knowing i'd never see him
again
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
tying up loose ends
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
very much, i'm incredibly scared to die because of the fact that i am so
unsure of what will happen to me once i am gone, the thought of me ceasing to
exist scares me more than anything
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
every month on the 15th when i was alone in the house i would talk aloud to
my grandfather in hopes that some way he could hear me
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i still try to treat everyday as if it could be my last, not hold any
grudges, and to appreciate life while i still can, let people know how important
they are to me and try to express gratitude whenever i can
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
needing to help other people deal with it
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me somewhat sad but it was nice to get it all out again
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Mon Jun 30 11:32:58 1997
F36 in CLINTONVILLE, WI =USA=
Name: AMBER BROOKS <smiles-at-clintonville.wi.frontiercomm.net>
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Prof/Studies: HOMEMAKER
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 16 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: Car Accident; Aged: 21.
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--Death Is:
AWFUL, ALWAYS ON YOUR MIND NEVER FORGET THE PERSON YOU LOVE AND THEY NEVER
AGE IN YOUR MIND. THINKING OF DEATH IS SCARY ,,, BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T EXPERINCED
IT YET ,,, THE UNKNOWN IS HARD TO EXPLAIN.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
WAS VERY YOUNG AND DIDN'T UNDERSTAND.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... Nephew died in his sleep.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
I WANTED TO TAKE MY HUSBAND HOME WITH ME .
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
TAUGHT ME NOT TO TAKE LOVED ONES FOR GRANTED IN ANY MIN OR SEC OF THE
DAY,,,IT CAN HAPPEN TO ALL OF US NO -ONE IS EXCUSED OF DYING.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
MY HUSBANDS FAMILY
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
NOT BEING ABLE TO SAY I LOVE YOU THAT LAST TIME
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
MAKE LOVE TO HIM THE WAY I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY HUSBAND TODAY.
I WAS YOUNG AND DID'NT KNOW HOW TO THEN.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
JUST THINKING OF HIM PERIOD
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
TO GET MARRIED AT 17 AND BE A WIDOW AT 19 ALONE WITH A 2 YEAR OLD
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
STILL IN SHOCK AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS AND I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER GET
OVER LOOSING MY FIRST TRUE LOVE . EVEN THOUGH I HAVE RE-MARRIED AND LOVE MY
HUSBAND NOW WHO HAS HELPED ME WITH THE DEATH OF MY FIRST HUSBAND, HE WILL ALWAYS
BE THERE IN MY MIND AND IN MY HEART.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
BACK THEN THE HOSPITAL WAS NOT PEPARED FOR COLLAPED LUNGS. I FEEL IF THIS
WAS TO HAPPEN IN THIS DAY AND AGE HE WOULD BE ALIVE TODAY.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
THE ONLY WAY TO COPE
--Regarding MONEY:
MY SON AND I HAD NOTHING TO LIVE ON AND WHEN I WENT TO FLORIDA TO MY
FAMILY. MY MOM SENT ME FOR FOODSTAMPS ,,,THEY REFUSED ME AND TOLD ME TO GET A
JOB,,BUT,,, THE HISPANIC LADY IN FRONT OF ME GOT HERS ! I ALSO NOTICED ALL OF
THE FINE JEWLERY AROUND HER NECK AND ON HER FINGERS . SO YOU COULD SAY I WAS
ABIT DISSAPOINTED IN THE FAIRNESS WE AMERICANS GET AT TIMES.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
NOT KNOWING THE BODY WAS HARD AND COLD WHEN I KISSED MY HUSBAND THAT WAS
QUITE A BAD SHOCK
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
ONE DAY AT A TIME
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
CAN'T HELP U HERE
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Keeping Busy
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
THE MORE I TALK ABOUT MY HUSBANDS DEATH SEEMS THE BETTER I FEEL. I GUESS
THE MORE PEOPLE SAY HOW THEY FEEL IT HELPS. EVEN AFTER 16 YEARS I STILL FEEL
THE NEED TO TALK ABOUT HIM. AND LIKE I SAID I WILL (NEVER) GET OVER LOOSING HIM
EVEN THOUGH I AM HAPY WITH MY HUSBAND NOW.
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Mon Jun 30 07:50:37 1997
F22 in Michigan =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 5 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heart attck, diabetes; Aged: 70.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
complete and utter depression
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and felt horrible
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My grandpa died of old age
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
she died on my birthday
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is a beginning, not an end.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
guilt
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
not be a stupid, selfish teenager and had actually gone to see her
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have what time I had with her
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I visit her grave on my birthday
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she was such a good person, she loved me unlike any other person in my family.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thought I was being punsihed for not going to visit her in the hospital
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very likely and possible.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the abundance of love
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when a person gets hospitalized, is in very bad shape, then recovers almost
completely, before dying.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
visiting her grave once a year
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
I was only 5
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? -none-
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Mon Jun 30 01:59:57 1997
F17 in =Malaysia=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: heartattack; Aged: 69.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A passing of life from earth,but that is only the shell that has gone...the
spirit remains.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really sad,but knew that he has gone to a better place.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... that my grandfather died from a heartattack.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
a butterfly,signifying that the soul has returned.
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1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? -none-
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Sun Jun 29 20:33:39 1997
F21 in Austin, Texas =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: college student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of friend, 8 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: murder; Aged: 14.
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--Death Is:
shocking yet not
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand it at all
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandfather died who lived within four hours of me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the violence surrounding the cause of my friend's death
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Hmm. Mexicans deal with death as a close entity at all times. the Dia de
los Muertos festival and the beliefs surrounding it, to me, show how accepting
and even glorifying Mexican culture regards it. (I mean glorifying in the sense
of creating a beautiful ritual to mark its passage rather than get simplistic
with it.) American culture seems like it could use a bit of the acceptance of
death-it seems that would imply 'more respect' for death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My mother. The death of my friend was a violent shock (due to its violence)
and I couldn't orient myself within the societal, spiritual, and practical
thoughts I was having. read: I was a terrible angry mess. My mother's
perspective and balance helped calm me so that I was able to deal with myself.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
unconditinal love
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I don't know what 'the death process' is
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I don't know, maybe an extreme reaction to an extreme circumstance. I felt
terrible, terrible when it happened, but I couldn't help or explain it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I know that she died painfully, in every aspect possible. and that the
world won't experience her as an adult.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
She was the most gentle, kind person I could think of and to die so violently...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt confused
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Ineffective
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
At the Catholic funeral, I felt an air of sort of giving my friend up to
God--sort of 'death isn't so bad, since this loving being is taking care of her
now'. At a prostestant funeral, I felt more of an angry strange desire to
immerse into the horror and shock of the death. I was 14.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My thoughts on the event of my death tend to re-focus me on my life and
living fully.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
my belief system is largely influenced by my family and friends
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Other:
I think I'm a bit overly emotional-the notion of death is in itself a bit
overwhelming in terms of a family member rather than an anonymous person.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I an glad for it. I think it could be a way for people to release feelings
without too much 'risk'.
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Sat Jun 28 21:03:46 1997
M41 in =Australia=
Name: Christopher
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 1yrs ago.
Cause of Death: gunshot; Aged: 65.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the body stops functioning
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried, but deep inside i knew I was only acting
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... death of a grandmother
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
thinking "rage, rage against the dying of the light"
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how incredibly real and natural death is
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it makes you review the impact your life is having on yourself and those
around you, ie the meaning of life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
to think about the impact of death and why it is so feared in our society
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
to ask the question why
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I have never been there
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
felt human on learning of his death
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I tried to understand how three men could shoot to death an older man who
was so greatly loved by his community. The futility
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i have never laughed about peter's death - it was so wrong
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
attend his service
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i saw the sadness in other people's eyes
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the television cameras
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it was not fair - but what is fairness to someone who desires to rob the
old doctor who lives alone.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
talk more about death - in reality i feel i understand so little about
death and, perhaps, life
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was saddened
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
community
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
stupid
--Regarding MONEY:
disgusting - it was all based on rumour
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was so beautiful
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
trying to understand the causes of the death
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
there are no signposts other than age or accident or intent
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
to celebrate peter's life with others
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
?
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think about my mortality frequently - not obsessively - but about the
sheer capacity of the human body to be great, to be small, to be savage, to be
kind, to leave something behind, to have been noticed
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1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Silence & Taboos
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It makes me feel like i still do not understand really the death of someone
very close. i fear i see death as a discourse on freedom and i am not sure i
feel comfortable about it
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Sat Jun 28 19:50:30 1997
F22 in St.Louis, MO =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, yrs 3 ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 20.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had trouble understanding end of life
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... great granfather
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
it did not seem real
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
transformation, rebirth
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my grandfather I loved Him
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
People at the funeral kept talking about their hair, how it had changed
over time etc. All I kept thinking is Don,t you have anything deeper to talk
about? Is this the only inane conversation you can come up with? Someone had
died. It amazed me how m uch poeple get caught up in the trivial things.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Their hair.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
recalling strong memories, unfinished emotions
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he did not make it.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
personel
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we are all equal
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Fear of Death
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Fri Jun 27 19:47:05 1997
F28 in Houston, TX =USA=
Name: Suzanne Silva Bordelon <suzsilva-at-ix.netcom.com>
Web: http://pw1.netcom.com/~suzsilva/fragilex.html
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
my father just died so I searched under "death and dying"
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Prof/Studies: homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 months ago.
Cause of Death: Parkinson's and Alzheimer's; Aged: 67.
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--Death Is:
the end of a body's time in the place.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 7 years old and it was grandfather.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my paternal grandfather dies of stomach cancer. He
spoke nothing but spanish and I was the only child in my family who could speak
his language. I was very close to him.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
it was 6 days before my wedding and I was/am heartbroken at the loss of my
father.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
people shouldn't be so afraid to talk about the dead.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my father and I got to say things that we knew we both needed to hear. It
gave us a chance to mend the fence.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband, letting me cry and visit my daddy's gave whenever I needed.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I'll never see my Daddy again...
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just hold their hand and tell them not to be afraid.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am not afriad to die when my time comes.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hear him say he loved me one more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
hug him and hold his hand when he died.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear songs about little girls and their daddies, dancing, and seeing
places that he took me as a child.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just talk to him again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went to my parent's house, and as usual I headed for my father's room, and
upon seeing his empty bed, I knew it was permanent and for real...
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
relief. My father had Hospice Care and they were angels.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
exceptional!! We'd have gone nuts without them.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
we were numb, even though we knew it was coming for a long time, it still
pained us....
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
buying my dress for the funeral. I bought it a year before my father died
and never wore it until that day.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I am glad that I made my peace with my father.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
keeping a journal, talking to my dad in my head, asking myself what he
would do in my situation
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Fear of Death
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Fri Jun 27 12:59:38 1997
F34 in Baltimore, Maryland, =USA=
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Found us by: [ How did you hear ]
browsing mental health
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--Death Is:
a new beginning. spiritual body moving on to a new dimension
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried. i thought that i would never see that person again and when you die,
you stayed asleep the rest of your life. you were alone and it was a scary
thing to happen
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...schoolmates in car accident
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
when i was younger i was so afraid to die. i feared a lot of things. now
that i've grown, i'm not afraid of anything. i don't fear anyone or death
itself. i feel totally free and unafraid for myself but i do feel afraid for my
son and his illness. i cannot bear to see him suffer
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
i don't think people really want to learn about death because no one is
really sure who has the answers/ it depends on your religion and own beliefs.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my son's birth and how proud i am to be his mother. he knows he has an
illness. he doesn't know the severity but he is very mature and sensitive to
other people and their feelings i believe god has a place for special children
like my son and i believe he gives them insight on what is important in life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the only person i ever felt support from was from my father and he died two
weeks after my son was born. it was sudden and it had an impact on my life from
that moment on. my son is my support and my hero
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
i was very angry at god because my father was looking forward to being a
grandfather for the first time. my father was a man who feared death and i saw
it in his eyes the saturday be fore he died. i had premonitions through my whole
pregnancy that i was going to lose my father even though he was never sick a day
in his life. i just saw it in his eyes and i'll never forget how afraid i was
for him. i would have rather taken his place because i wasnt afraid.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
you need a sense of closure to go on. seeing that person at peace is a very
important part of the healing process
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am not afraid to die and that i don't want anybody to cry for me when i
die. my hell has been this earth and i will finally be in peace
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i was angry at god for taken my father and not allowing him to be the
grandfather he was looking forward too. my father deserved to enjoy life because
he had it so hard and just when things were going good he dies.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
for some odd reason i laughed when my grandfather died in 1989 but i think
it was because i was happy for him. he wanted to die and my father had passed
away 2 months before and 20 years younger and he wanted to live
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get my research on hormones and the connection it has on postpartum mothers
published. contine fighting for what i believe in. the majority of doctors i
know are quacks and i spent enough years researching and making diagnoses before
they could. this world is greedy and out to get a buck and the higher the
education the dumber they get.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help make the live of new mothers a little easier to cope with and the
knowledge and abitlity i have in helping other people
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
time and the speed it has in the after life
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
it's been eight years since my fathers death but he lives on inside me. i
was so close to my father that i know he is near and he knows where i've been.
but i'm sort of glad that he didn't suffer the way i've been suffering since his
death. the experiences and traumas would have surely killed him over a hundred
times by now t
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
in 1994 i had a near death situation- i left my body and felt like i was
floating high in to a bright light. i saw people i didnt recognize and they were
laughing and i started laughing i asked them if they would help me find my
father and they told me he was fine but i could not see him because it wasn't my
time. they told me he was very funny that's why they were laughing
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
see above it was an enlightening experience. i no longer have a fear of
death and i learned a lot about what is really important in life. i do feel i
know why i came back i know my purpose and i continue to do my research on the
causes of postpartum depression (hormones) and i counsel new mothers going
through this illness
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
all my unresolved issues will take care of itself when i'm dead. i've been
abused by several people in my life time but i know i will see them in the
afterlife and that is when they know how they affected my life and changed me.
it's useless to use all my energy on those who don't care if they hurt you.
they will answer someday and god will be the judge.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i believe in dying with dignity. i believe in doctor assisted suicide and i
think if you are in chronic pain and the quality of your life is deteriorating
it's a person's right to die the way they wish.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
my life is a living hell so i welcome death. i am not afaid to die. i have
a son with duchenne's muscular dystrophy and he is the only reason i continue on
this earth. if something would happen to him i would be right behind him because
i made a promise to him that i would always be with him. in a way this
contradicts my theory on time and relationship when we die but i could not live
without my son and i could not wait to join him if he predeceases me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
my theory is that in heaven there is no time, day etc. like in this life.
so when we do die it doesn't seem like time passes as when the next relative
dies. we're not sitting there for hours in heaven waiting for our loved ones to
join us.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i tend to observe things in a new light. i don't take things for granted
and i volunteer a lot of my time with no emphasis placed on money because it is
materialistic and only those who havent been through some of the truamatic
experiences that i have been through and they go on with living greedy and
looking out for themselves.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
you don't really die you move on into a less painful and a lot peaceful
state of being. the soul moves on and there is no pain. on my statements on
suicide- i am totally against suicide because of financial,or emotional pain. i
don't suggest that people take the easy way out but only when there is no end to
their pain and every option has been exhausted. i do believe suicide can be made
in a rational state of mind and is not only committed by the mentally ill.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
if i had more time to respond i would but i have to finish my other work.
maybe at a later time. i didnt realize how many questions i skipped but it's too
late for me to go back this is the first time i ever used this machine.
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Wed Jun 25 08:41:42 1997
F41 in Embrun, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Credit Officer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 1 day ago.
Cause of Death: liver disease; Aged: 45.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
forever, never seeing that person again. They are gone where we
cannot find them. Death is the final goodbye.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to comprehend the finality of the situation. I only knew
they were gone, I kept waiting for them to come back.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my oldest sister (21) and younger sister (7mos.)
passed away when I was 3 years old. They died within 3 months of each other. I
cannot say that I really remember it, but I do know that I have always been
afraid of people going away. My oldest brother used to have to hide his suitcase
when he had a business trip or was going away on vacation, because I went crazy
if I thought he was going.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to talk about it much more openly. We tend to hide behind our pain.
Putting on a brave face has become the proper thing to do. We need to let our
emotions go, it is healthier.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it always seems to bring our family closer together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my husband.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not having enough time to talk with him.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't be afraid, ask somebody what the physical side of it is, what to
expect. When I was with my Mom at her deathbed, a lot of her physical symptoms
scared me, but I shared these with a friend, who lost her Mom not long after
mine, and she was not afraid. She knew what to expect. Ask questions.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The very final stage, the distress this person seem to be undergoing.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
go back to the hospital one more time. We needed to talk, now the
opportunity is missed. I never got the chance to make sure he knew I loved him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
go to my son's highschool graduation the same afternoon my brother died.
My son deserved his happy day. I never thought I could pull it off, but it was
like I lived a double life that day.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
we were 8 children in our family, we lost 3 when my parents were both
alive, now we have lost another.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scream, scream, scream.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried, felt so lost.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust, they did not do enough for my brother, they misdiagnosed his
disease. They completely screwed up, then they tell us, oh, we found something
in the liver on the ultrasound we didn't see before. Maybe if it were a member
of their family, they would have looked harder.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a comforting ritual.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
his wife.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
to give people a chance to make their peace with the impending death (as in
the case of an illness).
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Distractions
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Because the death is so recent, I still can't think clearly. I still am
very numb and just in the functioning stage.
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Tue Jun 24 09:24:22 1997
F36 in Auckland, =New Zealand=
Name: Lisa <whomoi-at-innocent.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: sponsorship manager
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 7 months ago.
Cause of Death: it was myself from a heart attack; Aged: 36.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of everything we know and love,but the beginning of a whole new journey
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was so angry at god as i had been brought up with the belief in a god
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My grandfather died when i was 11,he was my mentor
and the person i most loved in the world
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the fact that it was me and i didnt know i had died until they rescusitated
me, and how devastated my son was, yet how tranquil i was about the whole thing
--What I think my (New Zealand) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not scary but that life is too important to waste
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that it is so easy to die
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the knowledge that my life was better for havin been dead
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
lack of closure,i was too young to be able to see my grandfather when he
died and i was overseas when my uncle died and was unable to afford to fly home
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
not to talk but to listen
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
came to realise that you cant change it however much you want to people die
when it is their time no matter what you do
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
they put my grandfather into thr ground and i couldnt believe he was really
in the coffin
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see my grandad to say goodbye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
carry on living and have such wonderful memories
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
there was a complete lack of pain which was the one thing which had always
scared me,knowing that it doesnt hurt is a big thing and made me feel better
about my relatives that had died in hospital
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the need to have last rites
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see my children and they say i love you mummy,im so glad that im still here
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
i didnt think it was fair when my grandad died he was my best friend and i
didnt know how i was goin to cope without him i thought it was very unfair of
god to tkae him from me(i was raised a catholic so he was the obvious person to
blame)
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
its not difficult at all anymore
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldnt stop cryin for a long time
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did their best but that is not always good enough
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing it only made me more angry when my grandad died,when i died myself
it didnt play a part
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i know there is a spiritual world but i think it is easier to find when
alive,i didnt have a great spiritual experience when i died,but it has always
comforted me to think that the spirit goes on,as i think it does for most
people.I think if that is what you need to cope then it is a good thing
--Regarding MONEY:
my partner was petrified that he would not be able to afford a decent
funeral for me,i dont think that is important as it is the memory of the living
person that is impotant not what they get buried or burnt in
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that it was the only thing that brought the family together to that extent
and it was sad that we werent that close usually
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
being the one doing it:)
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i dont think they are any tried and true signs,i had no idea i was about to
die so i dont think anybody else could have picked it up
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
time is definitely the greatest healer
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
for myself i didnt have this kind of experience just a peace,although my
theory is that it wasnt time for me to go,and i think it depends a lot on your
beliefs. To be honest i was rather disappointed that i didnt although i have
spoken to people who have had the full on exp so who knows?
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
the only person i spoke to who had the full on angels and things was the
only person in hospital with me that was still scared of dying.Those people
who,like me,just felt like the lights went out were not scared at all.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
that everyone should have a will no matter how un-necessary it seems,just
to let others know what you want!
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
as most of this has centred on my own death ive covered a lot of that in my
answers,my main observation on the whole thing bein that death is easy its livin
thats hard,but life is way too short to waste,so enjoy and go for your dreams!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
the biggest thing ive learned is about stress.If you can control something
then do it and if you cant let it go because getting stressed out doesnt change
the thing it only changes you
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
and not being able to say goodbye to gain closure
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It reminded me that death is always hard to cope with for those left behind
but that memories are so powerful that nobody ever really dies :)
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Tue Jun 24 06:59:30 1997
F31 in Indianapolis, Indiana =USA=
Name: Jennifer Gest <nursejenni-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
AOL netfind search on Death and dying
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Prof/Studies: Registered Nurse
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: On Death and Dying
Authors: Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1yr 6 mon ago.
Cause of Death: AIDS; Aged: 32.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young and had no one to talk to about the experience except my friends
that also had little or no experience in dealing with death
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... a school was killed tragically by electricution.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the thing I remember the most was that watching my husband in pain and
eventually die in my arms manifested itself as such a PHYSICAL pain in me...I
remember feeling like I couldn't breath and that I could actually feel my heart
breaking.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to allow our dying family and friends die where they want to die,
usually at home surrounded by family and pain free. We also need to learn how
to effectively discuss death and dying issues, such as DNR wishes.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I learned how to care for my dying husband and advocate for his pain
medicine and speak up when I did not feel the doctor was being realistic about
dosages, etc. I found that Hospice nursing was what I wanted to do.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my son was the most support to me...I realized that no matter how bad I
felt I needed to be there for him. Death through a small child's eyes is so
simplistic and made it much easier to handle.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching him in pain and losing my best friend.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Always talk to the person, even if they don't seem to hear you, and touch
them...hold their hand, stroke their hair, hold them, these things all were very
calming for my husband even though he was not able to communicate in the end.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The last couple of days, when it seemed like he was just lingering and
suffering so much.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to say I love you more
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help care for my husband in the room where he grew up along with his mother
and sisters...he wanted to die at home surrounded by his family, he got his wish
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
his mother came into the room and told him it was okay to let go.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
whether he ate or not
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
we deal with it all the time, as I never discourage my son to talk about
his dad, but it can be triggered for me by a song, a word, a movie, just about
anything.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had to die so young and that his son is without a father.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I was at his side when he died, but sometimes I think it still hits me like
a wave...it can be triggered by almost anything...a song, a word, something my
son says...but when it hits, I learned to allow myself time to cry and grieve,
even though it h as now been almost two years.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust..other than his final doctor, the medical community treated my
husband horribly...that is why we decided to do all his therapy and treatments
at home...as well as allow him to die at home.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
we did not have hospice. We did not know about hospice at that time and no
one brought it up
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
being together as a family and praying together
--Regarding MONEY:
my husband had no insurance when he was diagnosed, so he was on medicaid.
We battled constantly with the welfare office about eligibility, spend-downs,
etc...it was an absolute nightmare. They treated us awful and eventually told
us the only way his benefits would continue after I graduated from Nursing
school, was to divorce. It was a huge added stress that we could have done
without.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was a very loving and supportive group...there were a few people that
spoke at the memorial and it was very emotional
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
cyanosis, difficulty breathing (cheyne-stoke breathing), apnea
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
appoint a medical representative and make sure everyone knows who it is,
put it on paper and make sure that person understands exactly what you want and
is able to carry your wishes out.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have created not only a living will, but one that tells about my wishes
for my son...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
it was not really a ritual, but the saturday before he died, I rented his
favorite Alfred Hitchcock movie and we sat together in his bed and watched it
like we used to...it was almost like normal and very comforting...it was the
last time he spoke and he told me he loved me
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Silence & Taboos
my family thought it was better not to talk about it.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me think about aspects of his death I had not really thought about...
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Sat Jun 21 22:50:00 1997
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 30 years ago.
Cause of Death: hunting accident; Aged: 46.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of an exam--as a Christian, I believe death is a time when the
grades are given--do you believe in Jesus-- you pass--you don't--no retakes and
you won't like the next course
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was frightened by the adults reactions--the quiet--the still waxiness of
the body--a little strange
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... a great grandparent died, I was taken to view the
body and held over the coffin-I was four and it frightened me --I can recall
everything about the area to this day
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the absolute shock-the way the world kept going and the loss was just for
me and didn't matter to many others with the same intensity (exception of
immediate family)
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
there is a sweeter place after this life and that the reaction to someones
death is very personal and very individualized and should be respected
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I had a dream prior to my fathers death -one that foretold of his death-I
fussed at him the morning after the dream and told him how horrible it was that
he left me alone--he said he would never intentionally do that--those words
helped me--he didn't want to leave when he did-I am glad I know that
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
there really wasn't any--my family was devastated and there was no
support--it was very hard
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the disruption of the entire family
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them say goodbye in their own way
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
took it hard and forgot to trust enough in the power of the Lord
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it happened
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter came later for me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
mourn
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I realize how much he missed and how much I missed of him
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he missed my marriage, children, college degrees and my mom wasn't through
with him!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
no, it is as it should be
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't--not for years--it hurt too much to cry
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
nothing could be done
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
organized religion was not my solice--God was
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
a promise of Gods being there
--Regarding MONEY:
it disappeared
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there were so many people over 1000
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I never saw it coming
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
dreams
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
all is well
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I get to see my loved ones again
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
I was too young to know how to verbalize my feelings then
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? -none-
trying to avoid the reality of it
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Sat Jun 21 18:36:09 1997
M19 in Norwich, at university in Coventry, Norfolk =England, UK=
Name: Stuart Wbber <hyuqz-at-csv.warwick.ac.uk>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Through Yahoo under tests: psychological
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Prof/Studies: Student, undergrad in history
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1yr ago ago.
Cause of Death: various illnesses - I can't remember exactly what; Aged: 77 years .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
is the end of existence of an individual.Death is the absence of that which
defines an individual, ie personality / "soul" (rather than the mere physical
body)
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really react strongly, it was just something which happened to
someone I didn't know particularly well.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...a neighbour (a friend of my mother's ) died having
been in a hospital/nursing home for a short time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the effect on my grandfather who was widowed after 50years of marriage
--What I think my (England, UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
?
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the being together with members of my family and talking about the pleasure
and joy of my grandmother's life, and the love we had for her. Secondly ,
talking to my grandfather about their life, love' marriage and his loss brought
us closer together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
her not being there any more and seeing the pain it caused to my
grandfather
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
n/a
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was at the funeral, seeing the coffin being lowered into the ground. It
was then that it all came home to me what had happened.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was a hugely pleasurable moment which I shared with my mother and
grandfather.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see her before she died. My grandmother was in hospital for around a month
before she died and I was unable to vist her during that time. I didn't say
goodbye.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
impotence.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the presence of both my mother and father at thew same place for the first
time in the year since their divorce. This was neither positive or negative, it
was just different.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
this did not appear, as far as I am aware, to happen.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Someone I know died who had a non-religious funeral (I can't remember the
name for this) which may have upset some, but it was what the person wanted, so
who are we to argue? (I personally think she may have been right.But funerals
are the living, not the dead, and this paradox is something I have not yet
managed to solve...
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It is the thing which, at times, can scare me most. It is not the dying,
but the sheer incomprehensibility of being dead - I find it similar to trying to
comprehend the size and boundaries of the universe. The thought can bring a wave
of fear/nausea over me. Yet on other occasions I can contemplate suicide for the
soul purpose of experiencing death. I sometimes think about my own funeral to
try and predict/guess what will be said and done, and to see who will attend.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I didn't really know her, I was just sad in an "Oh dear, that's a shame"
kind of way
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was useful to think about thte past and actively try to recall
issues/events surrounding death. If these answers are of help to others, so much
the better.
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Sat Jun 21 12:48:01 1997
F59 in Baton Rouge, LA =USA=
Name: Nancy <mmm.dick.nancy-at-worldnet.att.net>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: housewife-retired administrator
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: Beyond the Light
Authors: Edgar Cayce, Bernie Siegal
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 32 years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: almost 32.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our existence on this plane
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried, tucked my memories of them away in my mind and went on
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...my 32 year old husband died of a heart attack while
water skiing. I was with him; it was totally unexpected. He left behind me (27
year old wife) a 9 year old son and a 7 year old son.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
how angry I was at the injustice and unfairness of it all
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is not the end of our soul and our experiences
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my now "dead" hsuband reassured me that he would be with me as long as I
needed him
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
learning that death is not the end and that we will see each other again;
if not in the same realtionship, then simply as soul-friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the loss of the companionship, common goals and knowing I had to finsih
raising the boys without a father who loved them immeasurably
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that they know they are not alone and that they are loved
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
just put one foot in front of the other, lifted my chin and went on
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The doctor first told me that he "did all he could" and that it ws over. I
have to admit that my first feeling was selfish and that I just knew that I
needed him and I was scared.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
didn't happen to me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Stay where I was and deal with it all until I was clear-headed enough to
make better decisions
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
keep my children with me and not send them off to Europe to live with my
parents (who were living and working there at the time)
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I picked out the clothes he would wear for the funeral; I kissed his lips
one last time
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
flowers at the funeral home and at the cemetery-what a waste
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see how not having a father around has impacted my boys' lives in a
negative way. they needed his guidance more than mine in their adolescence.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
What about all the rapists, murderers,etc. Why not them instead?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
It's not difficult anymore, only sad when I think of what could have been
for my children
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
made a lot of stupid decisions, such as running off to a new city and
dragging my poor boys with me to start a new life without their father. I was
angry at God, and everyone who I thought was living who should have died instead
of him.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They did all they could with the technology available to them at the time
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not much
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right. Our physical life on this earth would be meaningless if there wasn't
more after the "passage"
--Regarding MONEY:
I suddenly became responsible for the care and future of my family
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone was doing the civilized thing, but were just as shocked as I.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I thought we would always be together and he was just gone and I was alone
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
just live every day with the knowledge that there are no guarantees and
make the most of what we have at the moment
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
take the time to grieve; don't make any rash decisions and treasure the
memories
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
In the year before he died, he seemed to become a lot more spiritual. It
was a gradual thing; nothing that I really noticed except in retrospect. He made
comments to friends and to me that led us to know that he treasured his family,
his life and the natural world around him
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
the need for organ donation; a living will, and any other legal issues that
would better be resolved at the present, so survivors don't have to deal with
all that petty stuff
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I want to do a lot more living, but am not afraid of being dead. I only am
afaid of the process of dying and any pain and loss of dignity that accompanies
it
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I think reading about the life after death and meditating, plus keeping the
memories alive have helped.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I don't worry about dying or fear death anymore. I know that this earth is
providing me with the opportunity to grow and learn. I have a responsibility to
use this time to not only grow, but to help others if I can
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Distractions
I simply did not deal with it. I moved 500 miles away to a new area & new
lifestyle
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has been a positive experience, but didn't open anyhting up I hadn't
already come to grips with
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Fri Jun 20 15:43:59 1997
Name: Lina C. Sorrentino <linkie-at-concentric.net>
Web: http://WWW.concentric.net/~linkie
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Prof/Studies: Disabled Barber
More personal info:
I have an incurable liver disease, hepatitis C
How we deal with death is as least as important as how we deal with life.
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Thu Jun 19 13:39:26 1997
Name: Sally Peterson <speterson-at-thermogenesis.com>
Web: http://WWW.thermogenesis.com
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
death search
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Prof/Studies: Sales & Marketing
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 63.
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Thu Jun 19 11:09:05 1997
Name: <Moontracker-at-hotmail.com>
Web: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Vault/7992
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I found it while browsing through the Yahoo! psychology test/polls section.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 5 ago.
Cause of Death: Heart Attack; Aged: 72.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Usually considered a fearful thing. Little is known about it so, like
humans, we are afraid of it. Since we usually do not achieve our goals in life
by the time we die, death is ususlly called "untimely." I think that if you try
to live life to it s fullest, death is not untimely. For some people who are so
miserable with life, death is a friend who is longed for, and even invited by
suicide. Although death is not evil, it is not good either. It just "is." We
all will have to go through it, som etime.
--That first time, how it happened was
When I was a teen ager, my grandfather died. I was very close to him, so
it was very sad. But I had lots of people to help me with it. He had a heart
attack and grandmother called us on the phone and told us that he was in the
hospital. I cried a ll evening. But the loss is not as painful now as it was
them.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Like what I said earlier, when it comes, death is neither friend or foe.
It is. We are so paranoid of dying, and we should not be. I am not saying that
we should go out and kill ourselves, but that we should live life to the
fullest, and not waste it. Then, death will not be something to fear. It is
simply a new beginning.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Remind them of the aformentioned thoughs. That death is a new beginning
and not to be afraid of it.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
not get overly sad that the person died when I remember them. It is past.
live in the "Now."
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I don't. And that is what I am proud of.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A lot. Because we believe that death is nothing to be afraid of.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Another loved one (a close friend) said that she saw a sparkling city with
all of her friends who had died greeting her and inviting her to come be with
them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Yes. From my friend (same one as above) I learned that death is simply the
dying of the body, and not of the soul. This makes it very easy to think about
death and not be afraid.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Upbringing
I do not know why our culture fears death so much. Death is not an end,
just a new beginning.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
What would you do if you knew that you were dying? How would you feel?
[Ed. Note: changed the question about "Feelings on Your Own Death"
a bit to also include these sentiments. ]
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Wed Jun 18 22:58:33 1997
F28 in Tucson, AZ =USA=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
AIDS websight
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Prof/Studies: AIDS Educator
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: AIDS
Authors: Elizabeth Kubler Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 7 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 21.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
ceasing to exist
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt cold and unreal
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... I was swimming in the ocean in Florida on vacation
when my grandfather died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the horror of what happened
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
well, the culture that I am part of through my work is the HIV culture so
besides my own personal fear of death, I have a great support system that is
very open and realitic about death so personally death is dealt with in my world
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I'm not sure
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
it seemed completely unreal to me that my friend died in a car accident at
age 21.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wondered why and developed fear of the same thing happening
to me
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Okay, this is a totally different situation than someone elses death. I was
attacked in my sleep/attempted rape one night by someone who broke into my
apartment. I awoke to this violent attack thinking Oh my God, this is it, I'm
going to die. I am so thankful that I was able to fight back instead of
choosing the flight instinct.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I remember small details, just like pictures in my mind,
from months after the death
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I don't think I'm unhealthy, but I do not cry over anyones in my life's
death anymore. I mean when it happens, yes, but not in the years that pass. In
terms of thinking I was going to die, I don't cry over it, but I still have an
immence fear of the feeling that I had when being attacked.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that this happened to such a nice person. Irrational yes, but it still
runs through your mind.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thought about it a lot more
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the place to go to the funeral
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i am unsure
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how it made me sick that people that didn't even know Anne Marie came to
her funeral and cried. Like they would have seen her on campus or something.
But we knew who her firends were and it was insulting to see these girls we know
Anne Marie wasn't friends with just bawling while we were quiet and basically in
shock. I know it's probably just the age but there didn't seem to be any
genuine respect from a lot of the college people
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
thinking that she really is dead, that that was her life.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It scares the hell out of me. Pain for myself and also my parents death.
It strikes a fear that is so deep in me. My greatest gift would to not know
that I am dying, but to go in my sleep. I actually fear the feeling of fear
that I associate with my attack.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I went to her grave once.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am now a finatic about safety. I feel that I can be dead in ten minutes
and we would never know beforehand.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was pretty neat. I went back and filled things in as I found different
sitautions applying to past questions.
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Wed Jun 18 11:44:39 1997
F19 in long island, new york =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: mangment major
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: we don't die
Authors: george ??????
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 58.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when we go to some where where we learn all the answers to everything we
wanted to know, we reunite with loved ones we have lost, and then we are sent
back to earth again if we haven't learned all there is to know on earth. if we
have learned we sta y with the angels and become guardian angels
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
couldn't understand what happened. Iwas too young. but once i realized
death meant never seeing them again for a very long time(until heaven) i was
very mad and sad
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... it was my great grandmother, she had a stroke and
died in a nursing home
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
how lost we all were without my dad, how we depended on him. He held my
family together. Now i feell like we're not a complete family
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's not always an end there is something over there for us. Also it does
not hurt.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my father's death showed me and my family how strong we were, that we could
survive anything after that. I paticurly learned to be more independent and
resposible
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friend joanna, She never let me sit and mope. She was there everyday for
me when i needed to talk she let me, whaen i needed to cry she let me and she
never judged me for it. She just sat and said nothing and let me release all my
pain, something my family never let me do
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing my father was the only person in my family i was that close was
going to be gone. That i had no-one in the family to take care of me, to defend
me, or do those little special things thatalways made me smile
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
never forget everytime you leave a room to tell them you love them, I was
with my dad and i told him i loved him, and that he is going to be ok. That i'm
not mad at him and that to let go that it was time. it's hard but it's what you
have to do
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
didn't let it destroy me, i used the death to make me stronger and help me
better then hurt me
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
right after my dad died. When i thought i would be relieved to see him out
of pain, but all i could feel was this undescribable ache in my whole body
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
20 minutes after my dad fied i went looking through old pictures and found
one of my dad with hawaiian umbrellas in his nose and ears, and i j just started
to laugh cause it reminded me of his great sense of humor and how we enjoyed him
all these years
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to spend more time with my dad. I spent everyday of the last 6 months of
his life with him. but i wish there had been more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the last 6 months with my dad. And be able to tell him how much i loved .
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the funeral. It upset me more than the death
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see my uncle(my dad's brother) playing with his granddaughter. I start
to cry thinking how that would have been my dad with my kids that he is misssing
so much, that my kids are missing out on so much
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hug him one more time
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i was very angry with the doctors but i let go of that my dad wouldn't want
it and it was more hurtful to me than helpful
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
it was very creepy. The fact we were waiting for death, it upset me. I kept thinking how do you
know he won't get better.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people came . It comforted me to see how many lives my father had
touched..
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
was going to buy the clothe i would wear to my dad's funeral.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
memory loss, confusion. The lack of energy, can't talk for more than ten
minutes
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
taht they know to let me go, That if machines are involved let me go. I
want to die with dignity and grace.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
all the time, if i die i die, that's life i can't control it. But that's
why i live for today. I don't hesitate, and i don't regret
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Have you had any dreams about your loved one?
[ Ed Note: This is something we're very interested in, yes. But it's already
often noted in the section on "Visions from the Other Side" in the questionnaire.]
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Wed Jun 18 10:59:59 1997
F37 in Atkinson, IL =U.S.A=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 5 months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer,emphysema; Aged: 56.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A passage from this life and existance to another life and existance where
one day we will be judged by God and receive our reward or punishment according
to our obedience to God and the condition of our eternal soul
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a child and felt more grief that my mother was sad than my grandfather
had died
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My grandfather died from undiagnosed cancer when I
was about 7. It was very sudden and very unexpected.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
My mother-in-law died about 5 months ago. We were not especially close for
most of our relationship, but had become closer during her extended illness. I
remember wishing that my husband and father-in-law would have excepted her
inevitable death, a nd would have taken the opportunity to talk openly and
honestly with her about their strained relationships with her. I wish my
husband would have apologized for the things he felt he had done to hurt her
when he was a teen-ager.
--What I think my (U.S.A) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is as much a part of life as birth is, and when you have obeyed the
gospel of Christ and are in a right relationship with Him, it is a reason to
celebrate! When this life is over, I will be sad to leave those that I love,
but I will be thrilled t o meet those who have gone before and to be in the
presence of my Lord. I will have won the victory!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I had the opportunity to make things right with my mother-in-law and was
able to let her know that I really did love her in spite of our differences. I
was able to tell her how much I appreciated the wonderful son she gave me for a
husband, and the way she deeply loved my children.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My relationship with God, and the knowledge that He will never give me more
to bear than I can take in life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being able to fix the strained relationships that my husband and
father-in-law had with my mother-in-law
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Giving the dying person "permission" to let go and leave when the time is
right. All of the hardest things in life are done alone, but often times,
people will struggle to stay to keep from hurting those left behind. The most
loving thing one can d o for a dying loved one is allow them to leave.
--[My relative's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Was able to teach my children to rely on God for comfort, talk about their
grief, allow them to be angry at Grandma (she continued to smoke during her
struggle with lung cancer and emphysema and my children were furious over that)
and to allow them t o understand that grief is a personal process that no one
else can dictate a time limit for. I explained to them that they would grieve
for the rest of their lives over Grandma, but as time goes on the pain will
become less. I taught them that grief is a part of life and we MUST learn to
deal with it if we intend to go on.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I felt let down that my husband's family did not expect me to grieve the
loss of my mother-in-law because she was not a blood relative. Since our
relationship was strained at times, no one thought I would be hurt. They
thought my grief was because my husband had lost his mother, and my children had
lost their grandmother. I too lost someone, a woman that I tried very hard to
love, despite her disapproval of me. My regret was that she could not accept me
and feel as close to me as I would have lik ed. My mother had a wonderful
relationship with her mother-in-law, and I had always hoped for that, too.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is very close to weeping and is a natural response to the intense
emotion. I have a great sense of humor and love to make others laugh and smile.
My mother-in-law had a very dry sense of humor, but she did like to hear me
retell funny fami ly stories. I'm sure she knew my sense of humor would help
the family deal with her death.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend time alone with my mother-in-law and tell her all of the wonderful
memories that I have, and tell her all of the things I love about her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
reach out to my father-in-law as a daughter and "allow" him to cry in front
of the family, to talk to her while she was in a coma, and to touch her after
her death.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my mother-in-law became incapable of speech, but was able to very
intimately communicate to us with touch and her eyes. She was not a very
affectionate person during her life, but as her disease progressed she became
more affectionate and touched us all more. I think she was somehow preparing
herself and us for the time when she could not speak. Also, she accepted her
approaching death and acknowledged that her time was almost up just hours before
she died.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the men in the family expressing grief in public which had always been such
a taboo in this family
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my kids or my husband have a rough day or when we see someone die on T.V.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
my mother-in-law never got to see my brother-in-law's new daughter (born 5
months after her death) Life is often times not fair, and that will not change.
The only control we have is our response to the unfairness.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
give the peace that I have to my husband who still hurts so badly.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I was by my mother-in-law's bed, beside my husband, when she died. It was
a moment of extreme relief. She suffered so in the last days, and every breath
was a struggle. I felt she was at last able to let go and give up the fight
that controlled he r life for the last 3 years she lived. I felt like my duty
to comfort her was now focused on comforting my children and my husband.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I am grateful for the kind, caring professionals who took care of my
mother-in-law. I wish that all doctors could be like our family physician.
Although he was not my mother-in-law's doctor, he knew her illness and
approaching death would deeply af fect my family and his concern for our mental
and spiritual well being was a source of great strength for us. If we ever had
any questions, he was always willing to talk to us about it.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
There was no question as to the inevitable events that would take place in
our lives....my mother-in-law was going to die, and God was going to get us
through it.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Birth and death are the only things that every single person throughout
history has experienced or will experience. It is unique in that it can only be
done alone, yet is done by everyone.
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother-in-law left a small inheritance to her children and I believe
that it was her way of saying "this is why I worked so hard all those years, so
I could leave you something to help make your lives better" It was one of the
most loving things she ever did for her children. It meant a lot to her to be
able to do it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the number of people who came to pay their respects to her family that we
didn't even know. She touched many lives that we were not even aware of.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
returning to the cemetary after she was buried. I have not been back yet.
I don't feel like I want to do that any time soon, and I'm not sure why.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The dying person tries to "disconnect" from relationships (often irritable
and angry at loved ones for no apparent reason) The dying person often looks
off into the distance as if they can see something no one else does. The skin
of the dying person often becomes mottled in appearance particularly on the
knees. The eyes of the dying person become glassy and may roll back The dying
person my say the name of loved ones who have gone before Many dying people may
appear to struggle at some point, but generally speaking most people die with a
least a few moments of peace before.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was important to say the things I needed to say and to offer words of
encouragement that the struggle would soon be done.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she spoke of her mother who died two years before. She smiled as if she
were seeing her mother.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I don't believe that people "die" and then come back. I believe the near
death experience is the body's God-given preparation for the death experience.
I believe that brain chemicals are released that prepare the person for the
final step. If peop le could cross over to the afterlife and it is all that we
read in scripture that it is, why do they even want to come back, and why would
a loving, giving God send them back?
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I resolved all issues with her to the best of my abilities, and I have
given anything that I could not control to God to take care of.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
my wish to not be kept alive by artificial means if there is no hope of
recovery. my wish that in the event that my husband and I were to die together,
that my children be raised in a Christian home with people who love and want
them my wish that my funeral be a time of remembering good memories, celebrating
this wonderful adventure that God has allowed me to have and giving hope to
other family members that they have an opportunity to see me again
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
In 1988, I obeyed the gospel of Jesus and was baptized for the remission of
my sins. I do not want to leave this life and my family,but I am fully at peace
with where I will be after my death. I anticipate with excitement and joy, when
I will be wi th my Lord.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
watching videos of my mother-in-law when my children were babies and when
she was in better health was a great comfort to all of us.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
The day does not go by that I don't tell my husband and my children that I
love them and I'm proud of them. I take every opportunity to be helpful and
loving to my own parents and I tell them that I love them often.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was an opportunity for me to review my thoughts about death and reaffirm
my love of the Lord and His love for me.
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Wed Jun 18 09:07:51 1997
F22 in Austin, Texas =USA=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: pneumonia and a heart attack; Aged: 69.
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Tue Jun 17 17:31:33 1997
Anonymous Guest
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Prof/Studies: Benefit Analyst
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 13yrs ago.
Cause of Death: blood clot to the lung; Aged: 52.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
is the ceaseing of life as we know it .
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a young adult.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...My uncle died quite suddenly of a blood clot. It took
us all by surprize. It was made twice as hard because my grandmother, his mother
could not be told due to her health. I thought that at the time that was wrong
of the family to do that. After all this was her first born. She often wondered
why he had not come by to see her
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
Not being able to tell my grandmother her son had died.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I didnt get a chance to say good bye. I wanted the person to know that I
loved them so very much and that I needed them in my life. I didnt want that
perso to leave me . I felt that my grandmother was the only one that loved me
uncoditionally, regard less of my fears, and faults , she was there to listen
and encouage me the best way she could. I miss her very much to this very day
even though it has been 14 yrs.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Lack of Awareness
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Mon Jun 16 07:32:08 1997
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 8 days ago.
Cause of Death: alcoholism; Aged: 44.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when your body no longer breathes lives or experiences every day life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to understand anything
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
how sad and hurt I feel. How much I miss my dad
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing, I want him back alive
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and my boyfriend
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
realizing that my father has actually passed away and he will never be back
again.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
will never take anything for granted again
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I first heard the words "Your dad is gone"
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my father
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
make him proud of me
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
everybody was crying. It made me feel good to see so many people crying
over my dads death. It made me feel that he was loved more than I thought
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have to say the words My Dad Is Dead
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he had to die so young
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
not face reality anymore
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried, and cried, and cried, and asked many questions
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they helped as much as they could
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding MONEY:
it didn't matter
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was a beautiful funeral and there was a lot of people there
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
knowing that I can say my dad is dead but I can seem to get it to sink in.
I just don't understand yet, that I will never see him walk down the street
again.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
The last time I saw my dad I kissed him and told him I loved him and that
we were gonna go fishing some day soon.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
when i cry i feel better
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
just crying
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Keeping Busy
talking to friends
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me think about my dad and it made sad to talk about all this
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Mon Jun 16 02:37:24 1997
F32 juneau in juneau, alaska =us=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: homemaker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 2yrsc yrs ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
our resting for eternity
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
i did 'nt understand
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was...when i was 5 my best friends dad shot his wife then
killed himself.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the shock of losing my aunt. so quickly without warning
--What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to fear it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the termination of someone who has been suffering terribly and death would
be a welcome release
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
prayer
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact of never getting to see them or hug them or be part of thier lives
again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
they have gone on to a far better place then here
--[My friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
i think that suicide is selfish and leaves behind us to carry
the guilt and pain
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
none
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
didnt doit
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
none
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the time i did with my loved ones
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
do not know
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
nothing
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
yes because i miss them and there are times when i really feel i need them
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone would die young
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have god take me to heaven
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was heart broken
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
do not known
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
na
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
the giving over of the persons soul to god and trying to rejoice that they
are in better place
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
because beyond the veil of death are all our loved ones who have gone
before us and we will see and meet again at death
--Regarding MONEY:
nothing pertained to me in that situation but there is squabbling within
the family an funeral costs
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
nothing
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing them in my dreams tellin me goodbyeand knowing they were dead
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
anthere arent a whole lot unless you include if you are sensitive aa
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my grand father appeared to my grandmother to calm her when she was almost
dying. they are both dead now and have appeared to me when i was very sick and
almost died.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i was very sick with kidney problems and i was 18 my fever had sky rocketed
i was told later that i had stopped breathind . but i remember being in a place
that was white a blinding white there was a bridge and people on the other side
milling around i knew them all but didnt. i saw mmy grandparents and tried to go
to them and hug them but they stopped me i was told it wasnt my time . but when
it was they would be back for me. when i got home y my mo didnt believe me til i
discribed what my grandfather was wearing which i couldnt have known because he
died when i was six months old i described what he was buried in
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
no unresolved issues
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
dont leave them on a life support if its all that is keeping them here. if
they want to go let them. dont keep them on it for your sake or conscience love
them enough to let go
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i have given it thought because they thought at one point i had an
incurable diese but luckily they were wrong. i think i am ready we are all dying
little by little every day. when its my time its my time.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i go to the gravesite if i can force myself and talk to themn
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i think it is a good think for introspection on peoples part most people
dont think it could happen to them. or not so soon when we could die at any
second for any reason.
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Sun Jun 15 09:20:55 1997
M19 in Ejby, Roskilde Amt =Denmark=
Name: Bo Kristensen <johndaniels-at-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of relative, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: ??.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a taboo....most people fear death and don't want to talk about it.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried alot but don't think that I understood that I never would see her again
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandmother died of cancer and I was to her funeral
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the deeply crying of the daughter of the dead person.
--What I think my (Denmark) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it happens to all and often is better for the person to die than
suffer from decise
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that allways when a person close to me has died it has allways freed the
persons from suffering of cancer
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Dealing with the fact that i would never see the person again
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that people get decises like cancer and others in an early age.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Was maybe a bit young to understand the first time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Fear of Death
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Fri Jun 13 00:50:48 1997
F40 in Los Altos Hills, CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
survey web site
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Prof/Studies: BA Journalism/ Religious Ethics
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, yrs 10 ago.
Cause of Death: stroke/old age; Aged: 87.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of living and participating in life on the earth
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in fourth grade (that's the first I remember) and even
though it was my grandfather it didn't really bother me. At
the funeral I couldn't understand why I had to sit in the
front with my parents when I wanted to be sitting with my
grandparents (mother's parents) a few rows back.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my father's father died - my grand-
father. I don't remember being particularly upset even though
I knew him. He was just an unhappy old man in a wheelchair
and I knew he loved me but it didn't matter because by the
fourth grade I also knew he wasn't at all involved with me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
is that it was really time - grandmother wasn't "plugged in"
anymore to what was going on around her, and though she had
some really lucid moments most of the time she was pretty
confused - not the best shape to be in
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it's normal! Everyone does it, and the worst part is being
"left" behind - even though I don't know nor much worry about
where I'm not getting to go....
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
both my mother's father and mother had final strokes and
died - they didn't have to keep on "living" just to please
some idiot who confuses breathing with life!
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
spending time with friends - we really never talked about it,
but they kept me busy so I didn't feel so sorry for myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not feeling sorry for myself - like I'd been abandoned! And
knowing that there was nothing I could have done to change it -
I tend to think (and try to) fix things for people.....
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
different death - a friend died about the same time from AIDS.
I have always felt guilty that I didn't spend time with him
before he died - I sent cards and called to say I loved him
but didn't follow through with actions. SHAME, SHAME - or
maybe, remorse. Ever since I have made a point to tell friends
how important they are to me, and how much I love them, just
in case....
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
How to act cheerful around someone you know who is dying and
you aren't cheerful, and they aren't cheerful. I didn't know
what to say when Sean suffered with AIDS - he was just 34 - at
least I knew what to say when grandmother had a stroke at 87 -
go! You don't have to be like this!
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I don't remember this at all. I only remember feeling let
down, like the adreniline had gone....
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
It is regret. I would have spent time seeing and talking to
Sean when he suffered with AIDS. But ten years ago I was naive
and didn't know how. I would have told him I loved him more,
though we had known each other from childhood and he knew it.
Another friend died from AIDS four years later, and I made up
for it with him - it was my penance, and truly made me feel I
had atoned for a great wrong. I don't regret anything about
my grandmother's death - she died a month before Sean - because
she was 87 and had a stroke and was confused and hadn't much
left in life. And I regret nothing about Tom, the chef who died
died just three years ago, because just a week before I had
spent time with him and hugged him and told him I loved him!
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I am thankful that Sean's death taught me to tell the second
AIDS victim I loved him - we had known each other since I was
6 weeks old - and I am thankful that my grandmother knew I
loved her, and I am thankful that Tom the chef knew I loved
him. I learned NEVER to let people I value think I don't care,
and I have learned to tell people I love that I love them even
if it makes them uncomfortable.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I hugged Tom the chef and told him I loved him - a week before
he died - and I knew he looked awful and knew his blood pressure
and cholesterol was HIGH - I knew at the time that he probably
wouldn't live another ten years, yet I knew that he knew I
truly loved him and valued him more than most people in my
life. I can still three years later close my eyes and conjure
that feeling and be satisfied that for once I did the right
thing for both him and me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I don't get funerals, not do I get going to the cemetary later
with flowers. It's too late then. Say "I love you" now, when
there is someone to hear you - that's my regret with Sean, the
10 years ago AIDS death - because later it is just empty
ritual.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I chop onions or cook something magnificient I think of Tom
and bless him for his inspiration, I think of Linsley and how
we made mud pies at 3, of Sean and how I didn't tell him how
much I loved him. I have no regrets about my grandmother
because it was simply time. There was no good life left for
her! The others were young - 44, 34, and 34 - too soon for
me to have thought to say goodbye. Now I say goodbye, I love
you NO MATTER WHAT.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone so young should die, especially when they're such
a kind, gentle, loving person.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hug Sean and apologize for not telling him how much I loved
him before he died. We had known each other since I was 6 -
it's inexcusable that I didn't do what my conscience feels is
the right thing.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
another friend's death - I cried when I chopped onions because
Tom taught me to cook like a pro and chopping veggies was "our"
thing together. We shared life stories, gossip, and jokes
while we chopped. Three years later, I still think of him
when I cook and sometimes I think my ability to create great
meals is my offering to Tom's spirit - a way to say how much
I loved him in spite of his prima donna temperment as one of
the world's great chefs!
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
USELESS! They can't stop AIDS deaths, they barely can keep
stroke patients comfortable. What a ridiculous idea that
doctors can do more than solve simple things like colds and
flu.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing - what does religion have to do with anything? It
is what passes between individuals that is important, not what
some book or authority thinks the "peons" should know or
think.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
don't relate - there is nothing spiritual about losing a loved
one, and certainly not about how awful and unhappy that makes
one feel
--Regarding MONEY:
in my grandmother's case, my aunt and uncle was a greedy as
I had always expected, and my uncle threw things away of great
sentimental value both to my mother, myself, and even his
daughter - just junk - the money issue simply validated the
distrust I had felt for them all my life (I remember being
afraid my parents would make me stay with them when I was
little - they never did, but it terrified me). To this day
I still have only a formal relationship with my aunt (my uncle
has died) because I am supposed to.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Dumb! It's not comforting, it's not comfortable, it's a waste
of time and money. I would NEVER inflict that on anyone on
my behalf. Once someone has died what good does a funeral do?
They're gone!
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
getting used to not having them available by phone or letter.
The worst part was having to take their birthdays out of my
calendar and not send a card.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
don't look good, don't sound good, confused, just not "plugged
in", strokes, simply not caring to eat or drink....
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
the worst is not immediate, the worst comes when a significant
date such as a birthday or Christmas occurs, or when some
silly thing (a clever in a kitchen store) brings back the
smells and warmth and fun of a chef's kitchen - the numbness
has worn off by then and one's guard has been let down. Then
it hits....
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
With Sean - guilt that I wasn't supportive and loving while
he suffered with AIDS. I wasn't judgmental, just guilty,
that I didn't really get in there and reinforce what we'd had
since we were kids. With the others, there are none - since
his death I have made a point to make sure everyone knows they
are loved! The earlier ones were all relatives who know I
loved them so that issue didn't arise. And I have no guilt
about the grandfather who died when I was a kid. It makes no
sense to me that I should be upset when we didn't have much
of a relationship anyway.
But I will never let anyone in my life be ignorant of my love -
that is my penance for Sean's death! Even though I think he
knew that, I should have said so. Now I say so, and with each
statement, I think "and I loved you too, Sean...."
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Don't keep me alive, don't put me in a hospital (evil places),
don't do anything extraordinary. Just let me go without
suffering. Death is just a normal thing but it shouldn't have
to hurt or be undignified.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It isn't particularly important to me. I just want to be
certain that my friends and loved ones know they are loved -
no matter what. I have nothing to leave them with but that,
and I have nothing to be remembered for that is more important
than that.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I knew I was going to survive Tom's death when I could chop
onions without crying and when I could look at some of Linsely's
artwork without crying - I have simply grown accustomed to
the loss of Sean from AIDS and of my grandmother from old age -
those are worse than having something to chop and cry about
at the same time!
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
As I said, my friends now know universally that I value them,
that I love them, that I really care...I will NEVER allow a
friend to die again without hearing from me that I love them!
And even though it scares the hell out of some of them, I will
continue to hug my friends tight - one never knows if it will
be the last time and I NEVER want to live without having done
that again.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I've already thought about most of these things and haven't
really expressed them to anyone. I knew I wanted to make
sure people were aware I loved them, I know that my grandmother
was almost the "perfect" death (old age, stroke), and I know
that the most important thing I've learned is that there is
no time like the present to hug someone and make them feel
special. I strive to do that with everyone I know and value.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
What would you do differently? Why?
I've already answered that question even though it wasn't
asked. Another is "how has it changed your life?" It has
certainly changed mine!
[ Ed note: actually, we already have one question "Not that it's
a regret, but ..." which seems to address this situation. ]
I also think that childhood deaths of grandparents don't have
the same impact as early adult deaths of peers - too close to
ourselves - and should be discussed more.
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Thu Jun 12 22:45:32 1997
F43 in Phoenix, Arizona =USA=
Name: Mary Henderson <marylou-at-primenet.com>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
health and healing jump to Anderson center to HHospice from Primenet
provider page
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Prof/Studies: legal secretary
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: tibetan book of living and dying;
A.R.E. tapes more so than books, but books on near death experiences
big help; Life BetweenLIfe; Mary's Messagetothe World;
The Crystal Staircase
Authors: Stephen Levine; Elizabeth Kubler-Ross; Joel Whitton,
Raymond Moody; Dali Lama;
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 yrs ago.
Aged: 68.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transition from an earth walk in physical form to a return
to an energy love form to our Creator
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
did not have this understanding. It was a final ending that
was scary with overtones of hell and condemnation which gave
nothing but fear and confusion to the death experience
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my father committed suicide when i
was sixtreen and it was very difficult to accept as his
choice and a betrayal of the This,too, will pass advice he
had given me in the past. Felt he did not love me enough to
wait for me to grow up.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
how hard she had to work to die. she was in a coma for five
or mabe seven days. she made sounds that were not human
talking and we mistakenly thought that meant improvement but
nurses had to explain it was not improvement. There wasnot
a lot of peace there though. I was more open and aware of
energy and love and soul work though and as she entered the
coma in Iowa, I felt her prescence in ARizona as she came to
say good bye to me with a hug and a kiss As well, when I
did join in Iowa, she needed to draw upon my strength to die
to trnscend and leave. It was the first time she "understood"
where I was on a thinking/being level and the first time i
understood why i had been led to share things with her that
were not easy for her to hear. I never understood the
compulsion to share as I did understand her reluctance to
believe something different from the fundamental religion -- you know,
god will bong youon thehead and send youto hell for a screw
up -- such a dismal way of thinking shared byso man of the
religions
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is simply a transition, there is no "end" and last chance
just a transition and now yyou get to evaluate in love with
your Creator and your spirit guides -- how did you do, what
would you like toaccomplishnext, would you like to return to
another earth walk or what?
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
One thing? I was givnen a chance tosaygood bye that isnot
always given. I was given even more time to prepare. I had
thought I was more ready thanI truly was. Feel gentle death
both a gift from my Creator to me but through me to family
and friends that they would witness gentle shut down with
peace and contentment rather than the fear or pain and
suffering and despair present in myfather's suicide or the
hard work of my mother's passing.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends who had a spiritual view that this was natural
process, beloved creator that was waiting withopen arms and
heart, not condmndation; the total acceptance of a loving
God a Mother/Father love energy that simply waiting for me
withopen arms
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I did not get to say good-bye really although there was the
moment that she said good-bye to me. I had feeling at end,
when she drained all of my energy thatI could nottake any
more, there was no more togive and then she died It felt that
my weakness had killed her. Met with psychic who showed me
it was tht she needed my energy to make the jump and that i
hadhelped, not pushed nor precipitated but helped that made
it easier
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Yeah, just being there. My friends wereso uncomfortable
they did not visit and ihad lonely times when i just wanted
to talk -- you ttend toget wrapped up in bowel movements
and painmeds talk with nurses and all conversation seems to
revolve around physical state -- wanted happy living stories
about world that wasgoing on -- just a partof normal living
but they were afraid to discuss normal living because it was
not a partof my present -- it was still a part of my interest
though and it was sad to not hear silly gossip and dumb
jokes
--[My --specify--'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I left that blank. I know more about my death and that is
where my gifts to others are from. I believe my mother's
death helped set me up for things like Betty edde's book
and the near death experience books and tolearn from them,
and perhaps evento assist in the soul work Ihave done over pastt
two years -- but my deathis the gentle, return home that i
wishtoshare. The coma my mother had was frightening and
confsing, as was my dad's suicide. Mine, however, is a
calm, gentle transition. It is Creator's gift to me; gift
through me to others
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized the pain or possibility of pain was over. Idid
not know if there was pain in the coma state. I supported
her deciion to pull life support although a part of me truly
wanted to push my wishes on hers, but was proud that the
three of us daughters obeyed and respected herwishes and
that we pulled together for the most part
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
No, i neverfelt that. Too muchhorror and fear -- plus a
feeling that no, no not mymother -- i need my mom
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
take more timeto follow my dreams rather than devote myself
to tryiing to fix my family and society and whatever elese.
I acted in love so i donot beat myself up over my choices
and ilike myself because of those choicess. Icared andI
tried and maybe I did not succeed, and my wishes and desires
were not always met but i was and remain surrounded bylove,
i like the person i am and theone that i tried to be. I
have total peace andcontentment with myself. A friend said i
lookedd younger -- it was simply being surrounded bypeace.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have some final time with kids -- hard to say good-bye to
kids 18, 11, and 10. And accept, truly accept, that even
had I been given another 50 years, i cannot fix them nor
control what happens. A lot of the stuff running around is
theirs to death with, not mine. It is good to know that and
lose the regret that I failed -- it was not my mission
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i realized it was okay to say good-bye. See what I mean
about the gift of time -- many never get thator they get
it in a speeded up manner, but it was okay to die, and it
was okay to give theindiviual problems backtothe person who
owned them rather thanme tryingto pick up andfix first
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
explainthings -- most of thepetty hurts andangrs are just
so unimportant, they simply donot matter. apologizes? I
don't need togive orreceive, not important inleast -- and
guilt feelings -- shoulds have noplace here -- things just
are we are not perfect and thatisfine. My needs are abundantly
met, maybe not every desire and wish, but those things that
are important are cared for
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I would for the longest time jumpwhen thephone rang on the
weekend as thatwasour special time; still wantedto share
that joke or buy her that butterfly. Was hard todeal for
hysterectomy without mother to talk it over with
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that it is my mother who was enjoying her life and living
it, traveling when isaw so manypeople miserable and causing
otherpersons misery (yes, thinking of a specific person
here), who claimed towant todie and one goes strong like the
energizer bunny while theothers goes. I was not ready to
say good-bye, I didnot think she was ready
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
step away and leave all decisions to another. In some ways
they are -- it is in Mother/Father God's hands and heart.
In other ways there appears tobe some wayI amable to input
and like last night, a rare night with pain that was truly
unbearable -- i was ready to gothen; but it was a fluke,
i donot normally suffer so
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
have had such mixed feelings depending on the death. Some
hard to believe death hitting one so young and so vibrant;
others a sadness -- the tie into drugs or violence the
totaly sensellessness that this exists inour society
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust. My doctors were unsupportive of my decisions to
use alternative healing methods and to concentrate on the
spiritual and emotional healing -- thesoul work first. It
was almost as if they viewed it as a personal attack when I
said no, I donot understand whyI was not given total physical
healing as well, but i am content with my choics and would
make the same ones. They actually withheld necessary treat
ment in order to document in my file that they had tried
but patient uncooperative. It was total bullshit. Few
doctors are able to separate patient decisions on treatment
not a personal commenton their skill or what they are
offering -- it is just making the best deciionfor that
particular patient, even if that deccision is not the one
thedoctor wold make. They have difficult time respecting
and honoring patients as thinking decision-makers.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Mixed. On theone hand Iam very very grateful. I have been
surrounded by loving care givers. On the other hand, I find
that I am to be very, very grateful when hospice gives only
aportion of what it says it will give. For example, i am
grateful for in-patient services but today my meds werelate
habitually -- not out of emergencies as much as so what.
I understand the gloves but sometims you are surrounded by
all these plastic gloves as if touching you, physically
touching you so scary and repulsive and it takes away from
my humanity from a sense of caring, it brings it too clearly
into focus that i am separate and not to be treated just as
aperson
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i have beentoosick to go tochurch and was summarilyforgotten
by the one I had attended. a little sad that. friends have
new age type of church and iwas able tosay yes, i wanted to
be surrounded at time oftransition by these women who love
me and see Spirit as loving Creator waiting for me withopen arms
rather than somber sad occasion. I was able tosay yes, after
all said and done, i would like ashes spread in thewind -- a
few more freedoms and lessworry about offending a standard
type church, so perhaps that was reason -- and, it does all
work outfor the bestand gloryof God. Religion is so often
a shell to prevent the relationship God wishes to establish
and it is sad to see people settle for rote and catcheism
and rules and regulations when loving, individual relationship
is what is the true offering is
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we are truly just one minute part of the whole essence of
God. It is easy for me to see myelf as perhaps a little part
of jesus' toe -- there are many more enlightened people --
oh, tht judgment again -- but the at-one-ment rather than
a-tone-ment is concept that i embrace and is easier to see
at the end of our earth journey than when we are wrapped up
inour projects and feelings and prone tojumpin and defend
whatever planand/or scheme egohas devised
--Regarding MONEY:
My sister seemed to obsess on money and making sure shegot
her share. It was repulsive to me.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how loved my mother was -- the number of flowers and people
present was neat. It validated her life and her joy of
living insome ways while inothers -- again, this woman was
having a blast and should have had more time!
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Not knowing theprotocol. Had avoided funerals because first
one was offather and toopainful; then school friends, one of
whichI had a crush on, so again toomuchpain; and now, ineed
toknow whattodoand we are burying mother and i didnot know
if I sentthank you card to her brother and sisters for the
flowers -- was it an insult to send thank you to family
member or were theygoing tosit and say those girls did not
even send thank you for expensive bouquet????
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I don't know -- seems as those there are as many unique
areas as common ones. I do appreciate hospice nurse giving
honest answer when iask -- is this a part of dying process?
I think that honest type of available information best way
that way those of us who want to know can ask and learn and
those whodo not wish toface itandknow can refrain and go
the way they have chosen
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
there is no more guilt. People seem towant tomake it more
somber and hurtful than it need be
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My friend did not have; I have been blessed with some truly
incredible things though. When I went into radiation, a
hard decision because i did not embraceallopahic treatment
for a year and had reservations, i was shown thatthe room
was filled with angels -- somany it was difficult for them
to move, one on top of another and theentire room was filled
with angels. The moment the radiation treatment machine was
turned on, a bolt of fear streaked through me -- but, as it
went through it was immediately transmted tolove. WOW. i
do not usually see the angels that are around; had never
beengiven suh a lovelyvision before -- and a say vision in
being able tosee notthat it wasnot real and happening, it
was real. there are other things, too -- but mom was of
different type of generation and in a coma -- neitherof
which iscondusive tothistype of experience
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Funny thing. Approximately four months prior to receiving
cancer diagnosis I was compelled to read near death experience
books and/or some on other metaphysical stuff but a lot of
NDEs. Diagnosis was complete surprise to me, no there was
no clue at all.but then there was no fear. the diagnosis
was not frightening to me; the idea of death was not
frightening tome. I attribute thatto thesebooks as much
as anything else.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
Instead going back to father, i wrote a letter and shared
it with therapist -- actually was his assignment to me as a
way of developing closure. I was stunned at the amount of
anger that spewed out of there, but it did release things
and blockages that had been present for over twentyyears are
removed now because of that silly exercise.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
question rambles abit here guys -- most important change i
did was -- when father died, had all these relatives saying
be strong for your mom, don't cry. (idiots) I tell children
that whatever they feel is fine. They can feel anger, or
scared, or whatever -- it is fine. But knowthatIamfine and
that Ifeel God and and am content and at peace.
i have decisions to make that aremore difficult -- part of
the consideration is the way it affects the family -- do i
take part inthis trial and raise their hopes up perhaps
unrealistically?
wish that husband were more receptive tolearning what needs
to be done but he will not listen. i cannot make himlisten
we go back to i can't fix him evenif given another 50 years
so i had toturnto others for help. sad but necessary step.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
this past two yers, working under acancer diagnosis, i have
worked through mydeathissues and concentratedonsoul work.
time was such a gift for that -- very, very luckyi think
to be able to work throughthis at almost lesiruely pace
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
It was silly. There are low ebbtimes. A friend brought in
a picture of Jesus that showed allh is love pouring from
his eyes. i bought picture and framed it and keepit looking
over me. I can look at those lovingeyes and know that anything
that happens to me happens in love andit isokay.
I had my sister tape record meditations from Stephen ???? book.
It helped her tosee whereIwas and to develop more peace about
my death; it gave me a life line while inhospital. I could
not have recorded them since Ihademergency trach and lost
abilityto speak clearly and for long periods
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Returning home to the family, i found that ihad attained a
level of peace and acceptance and understanding of my
impending death but that the familyhad not similarly progressed.
i am unable to teach them because they are unwilling to
learn -- again, choicesthey make are theirs, Icannot force
them evenwhenIsee benefit youknow
I am grateful. I say thank you for surrounding me with such
loving caregivers (generally hospice personnel) and it is
so apparent to me that my needs abundantly met and thatthere
is so muchthat is good and neat inmylife toconcentrateon.
I wasted a good portion of my life trying to make it perfect
and fix things for family and others -- what a silly waste and yet
i still do not know how to let go of it
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? What was it
Had instand when Holy Spirit came and enveloped me with total peace
and love
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? What was it
People said such stupid things. Someone actually said there would be
a silver lining to this cloud-- pretty stupid to tell a teenager looking
at a dead father.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I wanted to give you input to be useful. Felt that i found it on the
web, have ability to do it so was meant to be. Hope it is helpful.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
i don't know. I know that my path recently developed more into a
stronger interest on reincarnation but i recognize that it is hard for
others to even consider such a concept. all in all i like the way things
are handled. I do believe that a stronger emphasis on patient desires
over needs sometimes should be given. I have ten peole asking if i had a
bowel movement today and no one to sit and say i heard a funny story or i
read a good book
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Thu Jun 12 20:09:43 1997
F18 in Virginia Beach, Virginia =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo search engine
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: The Color Purple
Authors: Alice Walker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: natural causes; Aged: 70-something.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a way of having no soul in human form anymore......nothing left with
which to communicate with others. A senses of peace that a body makes
when it passes on.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was upset and shocked. I kept quite, cried little, and let myself
heal gradually.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my great uncle died and he was one of my
favorites.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the sense of regret I felt in not spending enough time with this
person and how much they really meant to me.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that you must show a perosn while they are alive how much you love
them because when they are gone, you can't tell them anymore.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the memories of when this person was alive. How she made me laugh.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being by myself and dealing with things on my own.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the sense of fear of death renewed in me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
spend more time with them.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to cope with it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i didn't laugh at all.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with the individual
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
cope with it myself.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the person's last words.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i am remided of the person in any way.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she had to die so soon.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make everyone live longer and possibly forever.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried for hours.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i don't practice religion.
--Regarding MONEY:
didn't affect us at all.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was difficult.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she didn't have any.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
she had a stroke once.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
i feel bad for not going to her funeral...i was in school. I think I
will never get over that.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i want to be cremated and thrown in the ocean
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am scared of my own death and i hope it is a peaceful one.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
writing about it in a journal.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i always write to feel better in hopes of having something to share
with my children in the future.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
i kept to myself and worked things out.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Fear of Death
i was scared everyone else around me would die also
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me depressed
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Thu Jun 12 00:58:58 1997
M38 in Baton Rouge, LA =USA=
Name: Keath Graham <kgraham-at-doa.state.la.us>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Yahoo! search engine
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Prof/Studies: Computer Operations Supervisor
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 60.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the completion of human life in physical form.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a child and though curious, thought little of the event.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My mother took me to a wake for an infant.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
how helpless I was at the time my mother slipped from life to death
in the hospital room when her lungs quit working. All I could do was
summon the nurses and watch her die.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
why we deem it okay to put an animal out of its misery when dying,
but how it's considered wrong to do the same for a human being. My mother
was forced to die in agony because putting her out of her misery wasn't
the way it's done in modern medicine .
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I learned the value of anti-depressants when I went to the doctor
consumed with grief and guilt. I don't know how I ever survived without
them.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
pharmaceutical relief.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I lost an incredible amount of trust in and love of God for the agony
my Mother experienced.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To let them know they are loved and that they mattered in your life.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was so naive in my belief that a loving God would make everything
allright.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I saw the nurses restraining my Mother, who was gasping for air from
failed lungs, and hearing them say "just let it happen Miss Graham. Just
let it happen" and when my Mother looked to me for help and there was
absolutely nothing I could do to help
end her pain.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hold on to my Mother's last hug longer.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
compose myself when my brother and sister arrived and not give them
the vivid descriptions of my Mom's last moments.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Mom led a good, exemplary life. She didn't need to be kicked in the
ass by God on her death bed.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have lived up to her expectations better when she was alive.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became a pitying, morose, angry person.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
stunned shock. Mom would've gotten better treatment at a dog pound
concerning pain management.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they dropped the ball. Mom ceased to be a person in their eyes and
became a burden on them. The coldness extended to family members.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. I was betrayed in a sense by my Christianity. I did not
understand where love fit in with my Moms death.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
illusionary, which is preferable to the disillusionment of western
death. I prefer Hollywood deaths to real death, for there, cancer victims
succumb quietly with violin music in the background. It's all very
pretty. No puking.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the unreality of it. I was in shock.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing the strong facade of my brother crumble.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
unrelievable pain.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
you'll never get over it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
there was no bliss, or other paranormal event. It was torturous.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I was working at a convenience store when my 15 year old sister was
killed in a car wreck. It was a very busy store and my Mom was on the way
to the hospital and at one point the store emptied of all people, very
rare for that time of night when it was usually the busiest. Then one man
came in and bought a pack of gum or something. He laid his wallet out on
the counter and opened it. In the center was a depiction of Jesus. At
that moment I knew my sister, brought to the hospital in critical cond
ition, had died. When the man with the wallet walked out, the store
filled up immediately. I felt a peace come over me. I don't know why. I
wonder if the guy was an angel?
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I don't think I've ever recovered yet.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I lost all desire to live and have become a stick in the mud.
There's not a lot of joy anymore. I fantasize about someone killing me
since I don't think I could do it alone.
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1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Lack of Awareness
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It made me realize how deeply disturbed I remain by the death of my
Mother and how I haven't retained my faith as I used to.
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Wed Jun 11 20:16:53 1997
F25 in Wellington, =New Zealand=
Name: Rochelle Rose Smissen <rochelle.rose-at-wnp.ac.nz>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: Secretary
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Recommended Reading:
Authors: Doris Stokes, Eddie Burke/Gillian Cribbs
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: old age/diabetes; Aged: 85.
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--Death Is:
a ceasing of life force
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in a total state of shock
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My Grandmother passed over. It was sudden to
me although my parents knew she was unwell, but not tell me as I live in
another city. My Grandfather had been sick for quite a while, so we did
not expect Nan to go first.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
that I should have seen her again, before she passed over
--What I think my (New Zealand) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That when you die there is not a complete blank, that it is just your
body which ceases to work
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Take more notice, and spend more time with your family, do not put
things off until tomorrow, as your tomorrow may be without them
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My sister and reading Doris Stokes books which brought to me that
life does go on after death
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that it will be a very long time before I see them again and
that I will never get the chance to talk to them in this lifetime again
ever. It was just so sudden.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
will meet her again, and my Grandfather who passed over after her.
They have not dissapeared for eternity.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was told that she had only just died.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
See her one last time.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
putting on a brave front back at work. It was a real strain, and
most of the time I just felt like walking out of work and away from
everyone to be alone.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I had such a vivid dream about me talking with Nan and I woke up as I
was in mid sentance talking to her and I really had to work out where I
was then, and when I realised I was not really with her at all, I could
hardly breathe I was so distraght all I could do was cry and cry. It was
a cruel joke for someone (above) to play, but then I was so grateful I had
that special feeling with her again. Some people would say and I am
inclined to think that way as well that she was actually with me and I was
actually talking to her spirit. It was not a memory and it was the most
vivid dream I have ever ever felt. It was so real, I could smell her and
I wished I had touched her.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That Grandad had to live without her in a home, he was just fading
away, he missed her so much. I often prayed that she would take Grandad
as he was so miserable. And got quite mad that he was going through this,
but then I read a book on reincarnation and realised that Grandad had to
live through something reach a particular goal before he was aloud to
rest. And I feel that I completely understand why he was left after Nan.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to them both just one more time!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
realised what a huge influence she was on my life, and what a large
hole there now is.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I believe that there is God around us, but I dont believe that you
have to be in a certain building to be able to speak to him or for him to
see you
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Being able to smell her in the car as we were going to view her body,
and still being able to feel her around some times
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
they have not gone completely, and you will meet with them again
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My sister who was with Gradad as he passed over, said she was saying
that it was ok to go to Nan and she could have sworn that he gave a huge
sigh and smile and then passed over, it was as if he suddenly saw her and
said "ok"
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Nan wanted to be cremated but Dad could not face that so she was
buried. Grandad was cremated and his ashed placed on her coffin
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I dont want to die because I will miss my family, but I know that I
will meet up with them eventually
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still talk to Nan and Grandad
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1st Death event occured in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Books & Films
People understanding how utterly shocked you are for quite some time
afterwards.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
I had not delt with a close family dealth before, and it was so
sudden. You always think your Grandparent will live on forever with you,
as they have been around for as long as you can recall. So life without
them is so hard to adjust to.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was good to express my opionion on reincarnation as it is such a
contraversial subject that you dont often talk about it casually with
friends
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Wed Jun 11 15:54:57 1997
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 4 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 17.
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--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandmother died and I had to go to her
funeral. I remember feeling very uncomfortable and looking down at my lap
most of the time. I also remember not wanting to go look at her body but
I did. I was only 7 years old
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the funeral
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
to not mourn so much and to celebrate life more
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
wondering why they did it. Also, learning that at any age you can
die and that life is precious
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get over it and learn and grow from the experience
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't really function
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the viewing of the body
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? People's Stories, etc.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? What was it
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Tue Jun 10 15:52:41 1997
F32 in sand springs, oklahoma =usa=
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Prof/Studies: student - teaching
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 8 months ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack/complications to surgery; Aged: 53.
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--Death Is:
like a light bulb who is just used up.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very confused didn't understand that they were not coming back.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandfather died of a heartattack
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
my mother was the link in the closeness of my family, we now have
lost that link, like some one has ripped our hearts and won't give them
back.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that a finallity.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mom told me she was dying. and prepared me for it before she went
to surgery
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i had no support
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
trying to fill her shoes,
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hold their hand and just be there.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my father gave the order that they were not to use cpr on my mother.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to discuss personal issues and to tell my mother how much i loved her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to spend so much time with my mother while she was conscience
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that a preacher was present
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i go to the cemetary
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that god had made a mistake
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
wake up from my nightmare
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt betrayed and angry, that got had made a mistake.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
remorse. I feel that the medical community could have done more.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
for my mother-it meant that her pastor was present
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
nothing
--Regarding MONEY:
my father didn't realize he had a insurance policy on my mother
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was very cold and on the way to the cemetary every one in town
pulled over to the side of the road as a sign of respect
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
my mother was trying to tell me was going to die.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i am still not sure
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it will never be over
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she said she was surrounded by angels
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
my aunt
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
whether or not they want extreme measures to be taken when going into
arrest
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am not going to be embalmed or put into a grave, i feel that it is
a waste of time and money. I am going to be cremated
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
there has been no closure
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1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was ok
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Mon Jun 9 20:11:00 1997
Anonymous Guest
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: embraced by the light
Authors: bettie edie
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, yrs 2 ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 61.
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--Death Is:
the end and possibly the beginning.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... friend died of cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the lack of caring from people that were close to her
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a natural process, part of life and shouldn't be treated
as so taboo.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
can't think of anything I was grateful for regarding this death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own strength.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Watching her deteriorate and not knowing what to say when the end was
near.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
remember to treat them with dignity. They are still the same person
that they were and they want to be treated that way. Also,don't be afaid
to show your feelings to the person. If your'e sad, let them know etc...
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feared it, but faced it anyway.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
we were waiting for her to die.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her that i loved her
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1st Death event occured in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Fear of Death
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Mon Jun 9 19:29:14 1997
F18 in O'Fallon, IL =USA=
Name: Taryn <CrazyNicks-at-hotmail.com>
Web: http://members.wbs.net/homepages/c/r/a/crazynick.html
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo pointed me in this direction
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Prof/Studies: Union Meat Cutter and student majoring in pre med
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1 and a half yrs ago.
Cause of Death: pnomonia; Aged: 81.
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--Death Is:
scary. We fear it even though it can be the end of pain and
suffering, You quit living you stop breathing and your heart stops beating
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was six and it didn't bug me
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my great grandma died and i had to go to her
funeral
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
my aunts and uncles being so upset
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
peaceful. The dead have gone on to a better happier place than the
place we are in
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
me myself and I
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
going to the funeral
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
cry if you have to and make sure to say goodbye and that you love
tham and that it's okay for them to die
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
wanted people to aknowledge that she died and how they felt about it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she died
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I went crazy
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with her and let her know how much I loved her
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
anytime
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she died. That i didn't get to attend the funeral
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they took good care of her
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
strange
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
accepting it
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
sitting down and aknoleging it letting it pour over me
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1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I was too young to understand
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Other:
My family bad mouthing my two crazy great uncles saying they killed her
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Good. It helped me greatlly
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Sun Jun 8 21:56:03 1997
F22 in North Bay, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Carla
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Early Childhood Education & Computer Tecnology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, Jan. 1997 ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 51.
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--Death Is:
Unknown but there. It's never been proven that people go somewhere
after they die or if the just die.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
dealt with it
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... my grandfather died of unknown causes. His
liver they thought maybe but they didn't know.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
I was in the same car and I lived through it
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It can happen to anyone anytime.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
He didn't suffer.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My fiance.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Him not being there anymore
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
You get a chance to say good-bye
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Still have a hard time dealing with it
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Spend more time with my father, told him I loved him more, have him
meet his future grandchildren
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Have my fiance to be there with me
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Things go bad in my life and I wonder if it could have been
different. When my mother decided she didn't want me around anymore. The
times I have just wished that I could die so it wouldn't hurt anymore.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
He was only 51. Never did a bad thing in his life. Always there to
help.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The doctors and nurses we very nice to me and it did help
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Maybe it happened because he never went to church
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
His spirit is watching.
--Regarding MONEY:
My mother shunned us from any money that wasn't in our names, even
some that was.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Make sure you have a Last Wil & Testament.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Don't know
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
none, I wear a locket around my neck with my father's ashes in it.
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1st Death event occured in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Okay
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
What about cremation?
Sat Jun 7 19:35:03 1997
F15 in Merced, Californa =USA=
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Prof/Studies: being a kid!!!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1yr ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: around 70.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a person dies, they leave their physical body and world behind.
So the only thing left of them is their physical body and the memories
they've left behind.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was probably about 4 or so and it was my step-grandfather. It really
didn't bother me at all. I understood perfectly well that he was gone and
that he would not return, but that did not bother me at all. But I
remember feeling as if I was going to cry, not for him, but for all the
morners he had left behind. It was almost as if I was mad at him for what
he had done to these people.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... He was my step-grandfather and he had died of
a heart-attack.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
I answered this in the question before this...
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to deal with it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
-none-
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I perfer to sit by myself and reflect about what has happened.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
going places,doing things,ect. where they should have been, but
wern't.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
trying to help that person deal with what is to come, and letting
them know they've done everything as well as they could.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I would have never of laughed....
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her that I appreciated her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? -none-
I guess it really doesn't scare me, but it always leaves me confused
and with the question,"why?"
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
-none-
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Sat Jun 7 16:30:29 1997
F52 in Annandale, Virginia ==
Name: Lane <cowardl-at-erols.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: years of smoking; Aged: 75.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a passage into an unknown life which severs our relationships with
the ones left.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had no clue.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Grandmother died very suddenly and unexpectedly. I had not had
much contact with her and my mother, her daughter did not share her
emotions with me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
that I no longer had time to try to make my mother like me.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is the inevitable result of life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my mother died where she chose to be, at home. Hospice of
Northern Virginia is our gift from God.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the unceasing support of my children. Even more important was the
knowledge that I had done all I could to be a good daughter. I had no
guilt that perhaps I had not done my best.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the viscious and selfish acts of two of my siblings in the course of
preparing for the funeral. I wish my mother's wishes had been written
down, not just told to me.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
made my peach and met my filial obligations BEFORE she died. And how
I have written my will and living will to spare my children the pain I
suffered at the hands of my brother.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I know that I did everything I could have.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of something I would like to share with her.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she did not live long enough to learn to love me.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
run to Alaska and leave it all behind. Not have to keep on being the
care-giver to everyone.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried - it seemed like forever. Even three years later, when driving
to my father's house I think "I want to tell Mother about..." then check
tears at the reality.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
compassion and caring.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing at all.
--Regarding MONEY:
my brother used his position as Executor to become pompous and
unfeeling. It will be far worse when my father dies and my brother sells
all our memories.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that my mother, described in her obituary by the local paper as
"community light" had very few attend her funeral. My father was very
hurt.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how kind people were in the death process when they weren't kind in
the life process.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
My issues with my mother are completely resolved.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Write it down! Then appoint someone who will be loving and caring to
your survivors to take care of things. Talk to your children about your
plans and wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
We are all mortal. But I do not fear death. For me it is only a
gateway to another plane. I would, however, like to see my grandchildren
first.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I am more careful to be kind and considerate to the living.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I really didn't know anything about death
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? -none-
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to express my feelings.
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Sat Jun 7 12:16:32 1997
F13 in LaPorte, Indiana =U.S.=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: school, some profession, I don't even get paid.......
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: The Hanged Man and Girl Goddess #9
( actual death and death of life as you know it)
Authors: Francesca Lia Block
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Lover, not even a month ago.
Cause of Death: He turned to drugs like crack and now lives in Houston; Aged: 16.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Most people consider death a extinction of someone's physical life.
When a person is gone eternally to an abyss of blackness, never to return.
I consider death a major change from life as you know it. An ending to
your way of life and a new beginning of a different way of life.
Especially emotional death, when that happens, you have no emotions other
than an intense emptiness, I think a lot of people would call that kind of
death depression. That is what I consider death.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I lied in my bed clutching onto my stuffed tiger in complete an utter
shock. I felt nothing, said nothing, and looked at no one. Iwasn't sad,
angry... nothing. About a week later I was overcome with feelings of
betrayel, anger, guilt, regret, and confusion, betrayel being the
strongest.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... Several cases,Mainly when my childhood and
innocence died at the age of four, that was an emotional death of myself,
actual physical deaths were, first, my beloved pet rabbit got eaten by a
dog, I watched it happen, I was only about 5 ithink, I couldn't stop the
dog, all that was left was his (the rabbit's) leg. Next my grandma, who I
thought was weird when I knew her, who was just like I am now, a misfit
trapped in aworld of ignorance and greed (I hate society), Then my
step-mom, who had always treated me like an actual person in my young age.
She treated me as though I was older than I was, which I was, I came to an
understanding of a dark world when I was about 7-9 years old, and she
understood that.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
Feelings of betrayal and anger.
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
You never just kill one person.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Strength, an understanding of how hard the world can be. Death of my
ignorance.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
nothing. Not until I was 12 when I started wrighting about my pain,
did some of it diminish. I have found people that are like me,too.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Death of my innocence and ignorance. There is something to be
cherished about being ignorant, you don't have to wake up to what is all
around you.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
? I don't think I really have any deep thoughts on that one so I
won't answer it not really knowing how I feel.
--[My acquaintance's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how
(aquaintance meaning my innocence and childhood I never really knew)
Death makes you stronger, it wakes you up.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
It never came back
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
That was a good thing to do for myself.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
(For the death of my boyfriend and best friend) I had treated him
better. I was a very manipulative person, I only cared about myself and
when he finally began to realize what a bitch I was he started drifting
away, and I would always lure him back, just to rip him apart again. He
was my best-friend, and now he is gone forever, I wish I would have
treated him the way he deserved to be treated, like an angel.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Bury the pain, not take it out on others, just myself.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I let those feelings of desperation go
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
How can someone make me feel this much pain? How can someone take
-----'s life before they even got to feel true happiness?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Sleep forever and forget
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Was filled with indespensable rage and confusion and hurt
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
The absence of faith. God didn't help me thru this. Nor did Satan. I
feel no gratitude towards either of them.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like I have died with the person. Nothing will ever be the same after
death, my life has been altered forever.
--Regarding MONEY:
Who gives a fuck about money?!?!
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
My own living again, it wasn't, and still isn't, the same
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I wouldn't know.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
i already answered this question about my best-friend on crack-----
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My friends know. They all know everything I want them to know about
me or how I feel about them.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Good question, no I don't really think about my own death for ME, but
how it would effect others around me. I think about other people dying and
how I would cope with that, kind of to see how i feel about them.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Writing about my feelings. Listening to Nine Inch Nails at the time
really helped me know that I am not the only greiving person on earth. I
also started wrighting about society and things I don't agree with, a new
anger towards something was needed.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I still write, it is hard for me to let go of things, but wrighting
helps me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
I have buried all my darknesses in a cavern of hate and rage, never
shall they escape....
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Memories
Alcohol and the slightest thing someone would say or do would flood
me w/ memories, that's why I quit drinking.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This helped me understand my feelings of death and how it has changed
me. It caused me to really think about how I feel w/ some of the ?'s.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
What do you consider self death?
Have you ever expierienced spiritual death?
HOw have you changed resulting from death?
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Sat Jun 7 05:50:44 1997
F38 in Moncton, =Canada=
Name: <reddog-at-brunnet.net>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Prof/Studies: homemaker
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: Into the light I think the book is called
Authors: Bettie Eadie
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 19 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: natural; Aged: 72.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Going to another level of concinous
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was entremely sad and had alot of questions
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... The death of my grandfather
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
sadness
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
knowledge
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
walks in nature
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the physical contact
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just holding the persons hand and saying you will be okay and there
is nothing to be frightned of
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
forgave her for leaving me
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
knowlege of deathe vieded by others
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
didnt happen
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
been by her side to the end
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
say I loved her and said goodbye
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
n/a
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
looking sad
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
the thought that she left me
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she left me
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be with her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was very sad for losing contact
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
okay
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
good
--Regarding MONEY:
no importance
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
she was loved and respected
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
she was finally at peace
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
she knew and I had the feelings she knew she was saying goodbye
forever
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she say a man smiling at her
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issuses from a death?:
I received help in that I forgive her in leaving me
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I want people to be happy for me that I have gone to a good place
where I will be happy and it will be home
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not afraid anymore
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I finally forgave her for leaving me
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I,m not frightened anymore
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with things? Fear of Death
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
okay
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Fri Jun 6 22:30:50 1997
F22 in Murfreesboro, TN =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 1 month ago.
Cause of Death: Alzhimers; Aged: 80.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a permanant release of the spirit from the physical body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was severely traumatized. I think that I have never been able to
process my grief because I refused to go to the funeral.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... when I was eight years old my best friend was
killed in a car accident.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
that it was very good to see him released from so much agony.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
dead is not an ending, it is a begining of another phase of life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
now we are able to talk about my grandfather and laugh and remember.
While he was in the nursing home for the last several years he was just a
shell, he couldn't feed himself, or even walk or talk but the family never
spoke of him because it was too sad.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My aunt Patti.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Seeing my grandmother grieve for the husband she didn't get to grow
old with. They got older but he was not able to support her emotionally
because of his condition.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Tension builds up and laughter is a natural release.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried and held my mothers hand.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratitude.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, but it is a great relief to my family.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the whole family couldn't be there.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the southern custom of open casket funerals and viewing. That is the
most bizarre thing I have ever seen even though I grew up with it I hate
that custom. It puts too much emphasis on the physical body.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I look at dead like a sentiment I once heard. "Dead must be pretty
good because almost no one ever comes back."
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occured in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
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Fri Jun 6 01:46:28 1997
F30 in Boise, ID =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Researching cultural paper on death and dying, due to personal experience.
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Prof/Studies: Student - Medical Anthropology
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Recommended Reading:
Titles: Life After Life, The Tao
Authors: Raymond Moody
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 12 yrs ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 56.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The last mystery, an unknown thing that we all must face and which
most of us fear because of it's being unknown, and which we hope and pray
will be far away in time, and short in duration, as well as pain free.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was about 12 years old, and since it was my grandmother who had
practically raised me, I was unable to cope.
--That first time, how it happened was
How it happened was... My grandmother, with whom I was very close,
and who lived with us, passed away while alone in the house. I was the one
who found her later.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this death is:
the hatred. The most recent deaths were my father, mother, and
stepfather, who all died within a couple months of each other, shortly
after I turned 18. I remember thinking how callous the relatives were who
came from nowhere asking about property an d I recall comments made at my
father's funeral. People tried to comfort my siblings and I by saying,
"Well, thank God it was quick!" And I wanted to yell at them and say that
it hadn't been quick, that he'd suffered from the cancer for two years.
But I c ouldn't say anything, and listened to the same types of comments
from all the relatives and friends.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
We've got to learn how not to fear death, and how to come together
better as survivors.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I learned about myself. After the deaths, my family stopped speaking
to each other and that rift has never been patched. Because of that, I've
learned what I'm made of, and that I'm responsible for my own life. It
took awhile, but I made it, and am p reparing now to go on to my doctorate
- after dropping out of high school. :-)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Talking to others who'd been through it, because they really
understood what I was going through. It seemed like others who hadn't
experienced a close death were only going through the motions of
understanding, it seemed too much of an act.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Having to grow up over night, and having to do it alone. Because I
lost everyone at virtually the same time, and was so young, I suppose it
was more difficult for me to get on with my life, since I hadn't had a
chance to establish one yet.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just be there and hold their hand, and talk to them - even if the
doctors tell you they can't hear you. Acknowledge what they're going
through, acknowledge the loss.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to appreciate life, and not sweat the little stuff. I never
realized how precious life was before then.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The nurses asked us to stop talking about my Dad's impending death
with him. He kept broaching the subject, and they kept telling us to
change it. Finally, we just went with what he wanted - needed - to say
about his own death, and told the nurses to stay out of it. It was like
they thought that we'd speed his death by talking about it, but there was
no chance of survival at that point. I guess we were breaking a death
taboo.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did laugh at my father's funeral, because it was all so unreal.
People I barely knew were talking about my Dad, and saying ludicrous
things, and my brother and I broke up at that, and I recall shoving a
hanky in my mouth so that no one would know. I think I was simply so
exhausted emotionally that I needed to release it, and it came out as
uncontrollable laughter. As an anthropologist, I'd have to say it's a
defense mechanism when things get too tense - and it's probably much
better than the altern atives.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Grow up a little more before the deaths, because my folks were more
concerned about me than their own impending deaths. I wish I could have
proven that I was alright, that I would make it, because they didn't need
that kind of burden.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Speak to each of them prior to their deaths. My Mom's death was
unexpected, and it was just a fluke that we spoke when we did, so I'm very
grateful for that.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my father, just prior to death, suddenly relaxed and began to smile.
The fear suddenly left, and he died after fighting it for so long. It was
an acceptance, I guess, of what was going to happen, and the fear
evaporated. It was fleeting though, just a split second or so before he
died.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Great question! I recently received an award and I realized that
although my husband bragged about it to his family, that I had no one with
whom to share it. That was hard because it reminded me of just how fine a
line it is, and that other than my s pouse and my in-laws, I'm quite
alone. So, even now, typing this, I'm tearing up, not because I'm alone,
but because they never knew about my kids, or the life I've built for
myself. Because they died worrying about me more than themselves.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that they'd leave me. I became very angry at them for dying.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see them one more time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
became a complete basket case for about a week straight, and then I
turned to religion for awhile, trying to find some answers.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
appreciation, but... my Dad tried to get on experimental drugs and
the doctor's said they couldn't provide them because of the potential r
