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See Current contributions.
See Feb 05 contributions.
See Jan 05 contributions.
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hu Mar 31 06:34:00 2005
F21 in Palm Coast, Florida =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Assignment in class
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Prof/Studies: Psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 Months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 68.
--Details:
She had cancer for a very long time, but it got worse the last
couple months of her life.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life on earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very sad and confused about what was going on, and what happens
after death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling like nothing happened at all, and not understanding why.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that death is a very complicated, and everyone grieves their own way.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the time that I spent with my grandmother, and everything that
I learned from her. I also am grateful that she is not in pain
anymore.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family and friends were very supportive, and talking about the
special memories of my grandmother helped a lot.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I am never going to see my grandmother
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Some people don't want to visit a dying person at their worst,
and only want to keep the good healthy memories, I think that you
should be there no matter what, and that you need to cherish even
the memories of when the dying person is at their worst, because
death can happen at any time, and you may never get that last chance
to say goodbye.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Cherish the special memories that I had with her, and all that I
learned from her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't quite understand the whole after-life aspect.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I don't really understand why it happened, and why I wasn't grieving
as much as everyone else.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
visit my grandmother one last time, and be able to say goodbye
to her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Come out of this experience with me being the one to give support
to my family and help them through the experience.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I had a dream about my grandmother a couple weeks after she passed
away, and it was very significant.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
a funeral for my grandmother, but we didn't have one.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I lay in my bed at night and think about my grandmother.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would spend more time with my grandmother and learn more from
her that I didn't already.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my grandmother is gone, and now I don't have any grandparents
left, and everyone else has at least one, and some even have both.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
See her again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was never going to be able to see my grandmother, and talk to her.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I wasn't very happy with the medical treatment my grandmother
received.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
It didn't reach that far yet.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
We didn't play a role in religion during my grandmother's death.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very confusing, i'm not sure what to believe and think.
--Regarding MONEY:
It didn't play a fair role in my family. The money was a big issue,
and it seemed to bother me a lot. Why people were arguing about
money,when someone had passes away.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
We didn't have a funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
That nothing seemed to change. Even though my grandmother lived
far away, it just still doesn't seem like she is gone.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
My grandmother asking for my grandfather, who had already passed.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
talking about her helped a lot.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have had a few dreams of my grandmother, but all of them have
been very significant.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I haven't ever had a near death experience, so I'm not quite sure
of what to say.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I feel as though everything was resolved, no regrets.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Just that I love my grandmother, and to thank her for everything
she taught me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My grandmother has come to me in two dreams since her death.
It's as though she has passed, but has returned to let us know that
she is okay.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would like my organs donated, so that I can help someone else.
Also, I do not want to ever be in a vegetative state.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would be very scared.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
That I was a very nice, sweet, caring, family oriented person.
That I completed a lot in life, met all my goals and dreams, and
that I changed the life of even just one person.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
None really.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
To cherish what I have, and not take anything forgranted.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Just closer relationships with friends who have dealt with death.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
Speaking to other friends and family about it.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
That i am always here for anyone to talk to.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
That I have dealt with the death of my grandmother pretty well.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I felt all the questions were worded correctly.
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Wed Mar 30 18:53:24 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mentor, 16 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: mid 40's ?.
--Details:
Lee Sisson was a wonderful and the reason I want to be a Psychologist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The loss life. A sad event when someone no longer can touch the
lives of others, they no longer exist.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried everyday for a long time and just wanted them to come back. I
kept wishing to see her again and wanted it not to be real.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Wishing it was a nightmare that she died and that I would see
her again.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it taught me that life is fragile and could end at any moment
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My mother
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
accepting that I would never see her again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know they made a differance in your life
--[My Mentor's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
try not to take loved ones for granted
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
why she had to die
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't laugh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her how much she helped me
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have her in my life at all
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
get a bad grade on a test or class I feel like I'm dishonoring
her memory
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think she would have helped me a lot more mentally. I probably
would have made less crazy decisions and mistakes in my past. I
would be better adjusted to dealing with sadness.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why her
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have had more time with her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
must be having a nightmare. She's not gone
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
wish they could have done more
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the loss of her hair made it real to me
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
nothing prepares you for the day they die except let them know how
important they are
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Rage
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Tue Mar 29 17:18:59 2005
F50 in Sacramento, California =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Looking for info on death and dying for a college paper
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 Months ago.
Cause of Death: could not recover from surgery; Aged: .
--Details:
My mother suffered since her teen years from schizophrenia.
It wasn't a good youth for me and I often wished she were dead.
Now, after having gotten her some mental healthcare for the past 4
years, she passed away after breaking her hip. If she was on pain
medication she didn't move at all (not awake enough) and if she was
on her psychotropic meds she moved too much often wanted to get out
of bed. It was about 7 days for these problems to take their toll.
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--Death Is:
no longer being "available" in a solid form. Many believe we remain
"available" through the spirit.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
went to the funeral of my brother, went home, and left to go
see friends. I was 12, I understood he had cancer and because he
wasn't living with my mom, other brother, and me, it was something
of a nonevent.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my brother in the coffin.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
every death is different. Recovery from losing a loved one cannot
be a "one size fits all" process.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
After their deaths, both my grandmother and father came to me in
my dreams with specific messages. It was reaffirming that they
watch over me as well as reaffirming that they still had tasks for
me to do!
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The cards received from friends. Phone calls are good, but I
liked looking at the serene cards and reading the messages over.
It was something concrete.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Because my mother's mental illness plagued my life as well, I often
verbalized that I would be happy when she died. That's not turning
out to be true but I received very little condolences from friends,
I believe, because they thought I was relieved of a burden.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listening and reassuring the loved one that you are there -- even
if they are unconscious.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I began grieving -- it took me by surprise.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
my brother and I laughed often about past experiences with mom --
being the child of a schizophrenis, you have to have some humor or
it will drag you down further...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be closer to my brother and visit more with my father and
grandmother.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
give a "celebration of life" for my father. He would have been
very proud of the event and how we handled it.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about the loss of not being able to really have a
relationship with my mom because of her illness and not having a
relationship with my dad because my mother would move us every year
so he couldn't find us.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
There is no place I can dream of that would improve past
experiences...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that a young man of 17 would be stricken down...he was so vital
and energetic.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
erase my mind.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
great service to the ill and their families.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like those who have passed have the ability to care for and look
after those still on earth.
--Regarding MONEY:
my mother and father did not plan for retirement; the full cost
of their services, etc., and legal action fell on my brother and
my sholders.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I sure hope it's true.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I was in a deep sleep when the phone range and I answered it.
It was my father, who had passed away several weeks earlier.
He specifically and in a strong voice said, "take care of Gail"
(my stepmother). By this time I was awake and it was 4:00 a.m.,
and I waited until 6:00 to call Gail to see if she ws OK -- and
everything was fine. Months later, Gail confided that she didn't
have enough money to make ends meet. I took the reins and got a
reverse mortgage on their home, she now has a set amount of extra
income each month that continue until her death. THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT MY DAD MEANT BY "TAKING CARE OF GAIL".
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How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Dissociation
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I feel that I have not been affected by the death of my brother,
mother, father becuase our relationships were so broken up and at
times nonexistent. Their death is like a nonevent -- I grieve,
but it's not a true feeling of loss.
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Sat Mar 26 01:06:59 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquaintance, 15 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cardiac failure; Aged: 36.
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
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Sun Mar 20 21:17:43 2005
F27 in Hopkinsville, KY =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1982 - 23 Years ago.
Cause of Death: car wreck; Aged: 34.
--Details:
My mother passed away when I was 5 and my Dad passed away 2 years
ago when I was 25.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
One minute your here breathing and laughing and the next second it
all stops. There is no response and the person will never talk,
move or breathe again.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I thought my mother was asleep and would wake up, but after a while
I realized she was not going to wake up.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Knowing I'd never see or talk to that person again because they
were being put in the ground and it was all over.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is going to happend to us all, it's just a matter of time.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
NOTHING
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Nothing so far, I still deal with it everyday.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I never got to really know my mother and my father's life was cut
too short.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Exactly: Just being there or giving them space if they want it.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
never got over it and never will.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my mother died at such a young age and then 20 years later my Dad.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
No laughing ever occured with me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
No regrets
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
make it out of the car wreck with my mother and spend 20 more years
with my father before he died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I actually accepted that my mother and father were dead and life
was going to have to go without them.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
I don't know.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a song that reminds me of them or watch movies that stir
emotions.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I'll never know what my life might have been like for the worst or
better without my mother and father her and I just accept this.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
yes I thought this was not fair a million times.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die and be with them.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
My Mother- I did not really understand
My Father- I felt helpless
and Angry
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They do all they can do, but they are not God.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
My father died of cancer and I felt Hospice was very supportive to my
step-mom and tried to be understanding throughout the whole ordeal.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I do not attend church, but I was raised in a baptist church. After
the death of my father I have started searching for a religion
that I feel I belong to. I read my Bible every night and pray,
but I can't seem to find a religion that really fits me-so I just
do the best I can on my own time.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
All people who have asked Jesus into their hearts and believe
in him will be reunited in spirit with dead people if they have
accepted Jesus.
--Regarding MONEY:
no big issues except for my half sister could not believe that my
Dad did not have a will.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
nothing- I felt like I was in a total daze.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
knowing I could never see, touch or hear my mom and dad again.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
A dreamlike state occured, no talking, the skin is very clamy and
sweaty, and they don't defacate for days before.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
1. Anger
2. Trying to accept the facts
3. disbelief
4. hopelessness
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none occured.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I did not have any unresolved issues with my mom or dad.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
If I knew they were happy and I'd see them again-I'd be thrilled!
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had 1 dream about my Dad. He just told me to tell my half-brother
to stop drinking or he would die. i never told my brother because
we are not close and also it was just a dream.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
When I die I hope people are thinking about how I'll be reunited
with others who have died and make it a happy occasion.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'd be excited and sad. I would look forward to getting out of this
rat race, but at the same time be sad to leave my husband and family.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She was a kind and loving person.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Walking and trying to focus my attention on other things.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Yeah, I don't take anything for granted and I am constantly aware
when I tell someone bye it may be the last one. It's a constant
reminder to me to treat people well and make the best of what time
I have left here on Earth.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I've grown very close to my mom's mother, but at times I wish I
had not because she is getting older and I'll have to deal with
her death too.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I tried to reassure my step mother that time would heal her pain.
She had never been through an immediate family death and the whole
experience was horrible for her. She did not want to accept it.
I tried to help her the best I could. I just wanted time alone to
try and organize my thoughts and emotions.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes it was useful to help me express some of my feelings.
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Sun Mar 13 04:03:23 2005
F Guest in liverpool, =england=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looking for occupataional psychological quesionarres
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Prof/Studies: psych student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 8 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart arythmia; Aged: 12.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the biggest loss you can ever experiance but also an awakening.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didnt want to live anymore as it was too painful.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How the rest of the world seems so unaffected when your whole
world has fallen apart.
--What I think my (england) culture needs to better learn about death is:
its not a taboo subject and sometimes people need to talk about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it made me evaluate life and realise what the more important
things are.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
therapy.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that i couldnt change it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just let them know that you love them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
was glad it was him and not me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
you need to laugh. its just a defence mechanism or something,
life has to go on its the only way to cope.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell him how much i love him, spend more time with him and not
chase him away all the time.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
flowers, why does everyone feel the need to send flowers?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see one of his school friends doing something he never got the
oppotunity to do. or when something substantial happens in the
family and hes not there to share it with us.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Maybe i would have gone to university then instead of now and maybe
i wouldnt have had my daughter so young. But i dont regret that.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why couldnt it have been one of his friends or my friends brother.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
forget my life before ever existed
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
its not true, there has been a mistake, things like this dont happen
to people like me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
no respect.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
no answers just more questions.
--Religious Affiliation:
roman catholic but openminded to other ideas.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
real. I believe you have to still exist somewhere after death as
nothing ever truly ceases to.
--Regarding MONEY:
i was too young to be affected by it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the amount of peoples lives one person can touch without even
realising it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
it was too quick to know.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
the only issues i had where the childish type between a big sister
and her little brother.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
id just want him to know i love him and never will forget him and
that hes still part of my everyday life. i hope hed tell me he loved
me and i never let him down and that hes proud of me and my baby.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
When i was pregnant with my daughter i had the usual concerns about
her health. he came to me in a dream and assured me she was perfectly
fine and from then on i ceased worrying i just knew she was ok.
then when she was 6 mths old she started waking up every night at
the same time for no reason. i woke one morning to find my brother
standing over the cot playing with her.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
the children
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i fear it everyday but i know you cant let fear of death stop you
from living as its the only thing in life thats certain.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I never take anyone for granted. i always make sure everyone knows
how much i love them and never walk out on an arguement.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
I never really got on with my life until i had my daughter 3 years
later and realised that i had to do something to make a life for her.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
I later found out i had the same heart problem and so constantly
lived in fear of the same thing happening to me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
helped me evaluate how far i have come
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Tue Mar 8 19:36:19 2005
F34 in Iowa =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
Through a sociology site
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Prof/Studies: College student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 7 Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 18.
--Details:
less than a year after my mother died of cancer at 44 years old,
my brother came to live with me and hung himself in my basement
while he was babysitting my just turned 5 yrs old son. He did
it when I went back to work after lunch and my son was alone
with him for 1 1/2 hours before someone just happened to stop by.
I also lost my paternal step grandma, maternal grandfather, and my
grandmother's brother, after my mom and brother, all within 3 years.
I didn't deal with it much past getting therapy for my son and I
quit living and went to barely surviving.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how my brother's suicide pulled the rug right out from under my
very being.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mother fought with her cancer for 4 years and it was a release
for her and a relief for myself, that she wasn't in pain anymore.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I used the bandaid of illegal drugs to make the pain from the deaths
themselves and my family's failure (especially my father's rejection
of my brother and me) go away. I finally got help for my grief in
a drug treatment center.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
he let our father's rejection rob him of his own self-worth etc
and he couldn't be bothered to take my son one block up the road
to my stepfather's house if he absolutely had to kill himself.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I am doing something and wishing they were here with me.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
a very sharp pain in my chest that didn't leave for a long time.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The first doctor Mom went to misdiagnosed precancerous cells on
her cervix, then later a broken hand. Quacks.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
The hospice lady was great help. She listened well too.
--Regarding MONEY:
My real father showed up at my uncle's house and merely said "Who's
gonna pay for htis mess?" in regards to my brother's funeral.
My aunt blew up at him and he was gone before I even knew he was
in the state. He lives elsewhere.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
At my brother's funeral I remember there being a ton of people from
my brother's mother's side and me thinking "Where in the hell where
all these people when he was growing up, when they could have made
a difference" I never met 90% before that day.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
My mother died at home and has made her presence known since then,
usually when there is a lot of stress in the house, with little
things like the floor squeeking, doors closing, thingslike that.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I wrote a feelings letter to my brother about how he made my son
and me feel etc and another one to my father that I doubt he will
ever show up to read or even face me.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not scaredof death. The day my number comes I guess that is it,
I can't see fretting over it. I try to get the most out of each day
now and after I die my mother and the others will be waiting for me
and I can chew my brother's ass for hurting himself, my son and me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Usually every year on my mother's birthday, someof her friends and
I will go out to the cemetary, drink a budweiser, smoke a bowl and
leave a can for her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I remember my mother coming back from the funeral and life just
went on.
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Fri Mar 4 20:47:02 2005
F Guest in Montreal, Quebec =Canada=
Name: chanti
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
A Grief Observed, Walking in the Garden of Souls, The Pagan Book
of Living and Dying, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, When
Things Fall Apart, The Wheel of Life, Life After Death,
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
CS Lewis, George Anderson, Starhawk, Chogyam Rinpoche, Pema Chodron,
Elisabeth Kubler Ross, Gustav
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Lover, 4 Months ago.
Cause of Death: bike accident with truck; Aged: 35.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
For us humans, Death is what most of us fear most in Life. To us,
we tend to avoid thinking about it much before it actually affects us
personally, and then it can serve as a gateway into new territories
of understanding (or not) in the mind and spirit. Death is
synonymous to something we call Time... which means that something
has disappeared into the Past while we march head on into the Future.
Experience with Death of a loved one is extremely difficult because
it magnifies all of the Unknowns. For example, if someone we love
dies, we are told that we will be with this person again - but this
is an idea which relies on acquiring and then maintaining a type of
Faith in an inherent, intelligent universal design ^Ö (some call it
God), which by the way, sometimes feels like the greatest challenge
of Life, and the lesson of Death itself.
Death means BIG
HUGE Change, Change in its most extreme form. Many times we humans
resist change, even small changes and so Death - the Death of an
earthly human lifeform - is very difficult to adjust to. We humans
have different version of what Death can mean. Some people believe
death-is-death-and-that's-all-folks-thanks-for-coming-to-the-show,
and others believe Death to be another phase of a soul's
evolution towards the ^ÓLight^Ô (the thing I refered to as God).
Of the two, I align most closely to the latter but neither seem
to comfort my ^Ö our human ^Ö real fear of Death, which is the Death
of Individuality. Both seem to suggest that there is no remaining
individual distinction of a "person" after Death. Either it is,
all in the end ^Ónothing^Ô, or it is ^Óa convergence back home with
infinite light of oneness which pervades all.^Ô
I would say that
Death itself, of the physical body is very difficult to accept for
humans but what is most challenging is the concept of a loss of a
sense of this individuality. Human beings are vessels of duality,
they are both at once beautiful and sorrowful, delightful and
terrible, wise and infant. When we love someone we love both their
eternal soul and their individual ways that made them uniquely them.
When someone we love dies we cannot imagine the idea of that person
ceasing to Exist^Å not as a body (we do get over that in time), but
as a unique unfolding of spirit and consciousness. Humans tend
to be, by design, ego-bound beings and so this concept of losing
a unique individuality is both the riddle and test of conversing
with Death, particularly when one is left behind on earth to deal
with the Absence.
The only thing I can be sure to say is that
Death is Transformation ^Ö maybe into Nothing, maybe into it All,
or maybe just into another Outfit.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a teenager. my grandmother died quite suddenly of a heart attack.
i didn't see her often so her absence didn't affect me that much. the
pain was more in seeing how much pain and sorrow my mother had.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how insignificant and petty many things in life felt afterwards.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it doesn't exist. that there isn't anything to be afraid of in
one's own death. there is much to learn from people who are dying.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how it opened me up to receiving support. and how it provoked me
to look more deeply into my spiritual development as a person,
which was beginning to get distracted by the ways of the world.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
reading and working as a choreographer on a new dance piece.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
TIME.
(you mean, i can't live those joyful moments over again?
you mean, it is OVER??
you mean, in the moment i was happiest and
most in love in my life, it had to end?
WHY?
you mean, only
my memory - which will paint the picture with its own colors as
the days pass, will remain?
fear of forgetting
and
difficulty
understanding - why him, why me?
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to listen to what he/she might need to say
to touch
to let them
know you know they will still be with you
--[My Lover's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
i realized that LOVE is the only thing that matters, really.
in the end, i think that that is all we really care to know we did
well;
in the end, during the review, if it is true, to know that
every moment mattered, every choice...
i felt like giving up after
D died, and then intuitively i knew there was a reason i had to
live. there was a reason i was experiencing this - however difficult
it may be to understand now...
to accept the challenge...
with
grace and courage and above all else,
to still believe in love
and
to hold onto faith in the universe, despite its seeming unfairness
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i had dreams before he died... about ME dying... and having to watch
him go thru the grieving / coping process of what i am going thru
now...
i also had dreams that we were separated in a very tragic and
fateful way...
we were so in love with each other...and yet somehow
i knew we could only live in the present.. the future felt very
unknown and not something to be attached to...which all made so much
sense after
he was killed in an "accident'" one afternoon
i feel
like our connection was somehow cosmic... and that our consummation
of love was somehow a catalyst for his death. i am at peace knowing
that he died in immense love and happiness, but it seems so unfair!
it also means that i have some role to play in his death, and i can't
understand what it is. i feel that somehow i must, in order to learn
the lesson i am supposed to.
i am confused about the idea that
you die once you have learned your lesson you came on life to do.
which means, there are no "accidents." but surely - some people
die before they finish their life's work. wouldn't that support
the whole reason behind reincarnation... to complete the lesson you
never fully learned in your past life?
well then, that would
mean there are accidents wouldn't it? and if there are accidents,
how does one deal with the unfairness of that?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
the laughter was for many reasons
i felt like i could see life more
clearly sometimes, including the inherent humor woven into it...
i
laughed because i loved people and their passionate ways of being
all the more in fact... to see people LIVING sometimes made me
laugh...
i also know that i felt outside of myself sometimes and
just had to laugh at how absurd the whole thing is...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
held absolutely nothing back; met him at the airport, gone out
more with his friends, bought him a present, told him just how
much i loved him... more than i told him... and how i had always
loved him...
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
show him my love for him as much as i did...
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
very much, up and down. down when i think.. never again. when i
try to imagine the summer coming up without him. when i think
of all that could have been, and as each day passes, what was the
beginnings of our vision of a future, gets further and further from
being what would have been... So, each passing day makes me feel
like what i had was all a big illusion, or a love that wouldn't
have worked out anyways...
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
it is so hard to say what would have been. i see that now. in fact,
i don't know what i would be like if this hadn't happened. i feel
like i have changed so much i don't even know. i think i like not
to imagine this, because the contrast of what could have been, even
imaginary, to what is, is just rather painful. so why go there? i
was very alive, very vibrant, very invigorated and at such peace
when we were together. so, i am just trying to maintain that even
despite the odds.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
yeah, that's a big one.
why me, why not the guy who wants to
die? why not the mean people? why did it have to happen to such a
gentle, beautiful, sensitive, poetic intelligent, wise soul (D),
and his lover?
a
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just learn my lesson and go "bathe in the infinite light" with D.
why did i get stuck here?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
actually, not for one moment did i doubted it was true. my heart
sank into depths i didn't know were in me, feeling the truth of it.
of course it is true. it is the very truth that is so painful. the
truth that the person, is GONE - POOF! without warning! Forever as
you have known and rejoiced in! and even tho it is true in the
rational mind there is just something that doesn't really get it...
- the how could it be? ness of the finality of a passed second.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
didn't deal with them
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
i learned a bit more about buddhism and meditation. namely learning
how to tame the mind... and continue having a sense of path in my
supposed path.
--Religious Affiliation:
past -agnostic
current:
spiritual wisdom sciences
buddhism
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
obvious
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
in terms of our earthly relationship there are no regrets and i
feel at peace.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would want to hear from him that he loves me all the more now,
even tho i am a mess now. even tho he sees the sides of me that
he hadn't yet gotten to know, and the sides of me that i am still
battling with. i would want to hear him say that there is a reason
for all this, and that yes, our connection was indeed a cosmic one
and that i am infinitely special in his heart still and always. i
would want him to let me know i will see him again, and that he is
with me, whenever i need him. and that he will show me signs to
prove it. i would want him to say sorry for not being careful on
his bicycle - i would want him to say that even tho our time was
short he knew it would have lasted... and that not a day goes by
when he doesnt' think of me with love.
and i would say that
i love him so, and that i need to know he is still with me to give
me strength when i feel like it is all too much. i would also tell
him that being with him was the best thing i had ever experienced,
and that no one will ever be him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
one night in the first week or two after D had died, i woke to
the song "All is full of Love", a powerful Bjork song playing in
my room. the CD had been on but it had stopped. it was around
3-4am, i had been asleep (i think) for a good long while and had
fallen asleep crying. it was a song i had told him i wanted to
play for him, which i never got to. it was an incredibly powerful
experience, i touched my body with my hands and i felt like they
were his hands.
D had also given me some cards he had made
(Brian Eno's starting points for creation), two days before his
accident. i pulled two out (from over 125) after he died, and the
first one said: "is something missing", and the second one said
"courage." a few weeks later i pulled another one, whispering in
the air, i just want to know if you are here... and the card said
"ghost echoes." a few times i pulled one which said "just carry on"
and "remember quiet nights"
these were clear messages to me,
because not all the cards are of this nature at all. a lot of our
communication was done in writing and so it seemed fitting that it
should continue in this form
i also had a dream lately where i
was looking for D. i finally arrived home, which for some reason
was a tent. there was a note on the table and it said something
like: i had to go ahead. i am waiting for you. i love you.
maybe
i am making that up, but i am pretty sure it was from him.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i think i am fine with my own death. i will admit to being afraid
of suffering. and maybe even still a bit of my own death.. but
if it means seeing D again, then i do not fear it. sometimes,
after reading all this stuff about it, it sounds so nice i wish
i could go.
sometimes i feel like there is much to do on earth
and am excited by it all, and sometimes even all the great things
just wear me out thinking about them - knowing they can only exist
with the difficult things too. so, i am tired right now. as much
as i love life, i am tired.
i also had an experience recently
where i had the sensation of dying. in that moment i realized i
didn't want to die. that there was still life for me. since then,
life has been a bit brighter.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
inspired many people with her imagination, critical mind and eye
as a performer and artist,
embodied beauty and grace and strength
always sought to promote integrity as a human being
from a young
age, sought answers to the big questions
generous and compassionate
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
an altar
meditation
dancing
a scrapbook
a piercing on his
birthday (marking myself?i don't know why exactly)
a gathering of
friends on my birthday... more of a re:birthday
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
more a frame of mind...
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
very much so. in some ways it is weird because now i am spending
time with friends who are very much inline with my wackier sides
that i am not sure would have mingled as well with D. so, i feel
strange sometimes, like i couldn't have had both.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Passage of Time
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
nice to anonomously repeat things i am tired of talking about with
friends.. i feel like after a certain point has passed i get tired
of talking about it, people don't ask anymore, and i don't even
know what i think.
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Thu Mar 3 20:54:17 2005
F20 in manila, =philippines=
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: organ failure; Aged: .
--Details:
she fell on the stairs then we bought her to the hospital.after
two days,she died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a trial for those who will be left by their love ones.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was only 10 yrs,old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it was really hard to move on and accept it.
--What I think my (philippines) culture needs to better learn about death is:
learn to accept and move on.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i had the chance of spending time with the most important person in
the world!
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Tue Mar 1 16:59:34 2005
M75 in Medford, NJ =USA=
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Prof/Studies: Retired psychologist, Ph.D (Religion and Psychology)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Except for some unfinished business, i have no conscious fear of
death - not
since that memorable night I faced death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I grew up in an orphanafe. Had my Dad not died when I was so young
and we
were all seperated I think things would not have been so
painful and my
original need to deny death would not have bee
so pronounced.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
No such problem.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Could be with Gog and "see Him face to face."
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Gratitude
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
NlA
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A trusting relationship with a loving God which only became a part
of me late
in life. I had a heart attack ten years ago and was
not expected to live. At that
moment all doubts and fears left me,
It was the most graced moment of my
life.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I would like to believe that. I don't know. I do believe that God
cares for the
lilies of the field and the birds of the air...and
how much more for all of us,
--Regarding MONEY:
No problems
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
When I was a child at my father,s funeral I felt very alone and no
one could
help.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
It seemed unreal. No doubt a defense mechanism. I am a psychologist
by
profession
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I am 75. Impending and persistant loss of psychological and physical
competence and the resulting need to depend on others,
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I believe in the coincidence of opposites ie fear and peace coexist
and I am content with that paradox, Jesus Himself lived it and I
am living it right now.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have heard credible stories of such phenomena.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
he night I mentioned was the most memorable night of my life. I
cherish the
night I was near death. It is like a rock to me when
any anxiety arises in my
life,
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
There are no unresolved issues with loved ones deceased, I trust
they are with
God who is The Truth and in their vision they have
an understanding of my
fallenness as well as there own and they
understand as the Loving Father
upon Whom they look. In Catholicism
we call this "The Beatific Vision."
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you. I love you too.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I know a man who is very stable who reports to me such things from
his
deceased wife.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The dying want to talk about their impending death. No conspiracy
of silence.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think abot death every day, From that night when I thought I was
dying I can
now go back to it as a resourse, I say to my self
when I experience angina or
anything else of an adversive content:
"Your will be done Father" and a great
peace comes over me.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Here lies a frail human being who took many wrong roads who,by grace,
has
the boldness to believe he is forgiven.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I tell others about it. It has helped them greatly.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
The memory of the event comes to me without practice - spontaeneously
and
frequently.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes, a woman who is a counselor for those dealing with issues of
death and
dying has been a great source of comfort and inspiration
to me.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? My Belief System
Seeking othe compensations especially successs eg priesthood,
Ph.D etc. What Ernest Becker called "the characterlogical lie."
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Would you like to talk about yor illness, your fears, your thoughts,
regrets
etc.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was a good experience. Somethig I go over eery day, read about
and
counsel others about,
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
It was excellent.
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Tue Mar 1 15:41:53 2005
F48 in TN =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
google
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
what helped were books by those who had experienced a child's death;
religious books and people didn't help at all
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 17 Years ago.
Cause of Death: toxic reaction to antibiotic taken for ear infection ; Aged: 2 yrs.
--Details:
His death was complicated by poor care in hospital. I felt alot
of anger.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when we cease to be as we are in the world.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a child but the individual was not close to me. I was curious
but not emotional.
--That first time, how it happened was
my two year old died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
utter shock and devastation; wondering how I would survive the next
minute much less day; isolation.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
grieving well is essential. We need to learn how to support and
facilitate grief instead of offering platitudes.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I would give it up in a minute, of course, but my son's death has
become a gift of grace. I will love him always and that's a wonderful
thing to discover. His life and loss are always with me in some way,
a quiet tap on the shoulder when my priorities get skewed.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The Compassionate Friends support group: I found understanding
and acceptance from those who had "been there." And after awhile I
was able to reach out to the newly bereaved which is the secret -
the helpee becomes the helper.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Just the simple need to hold my child in my arms again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Listen. Touch. Be present. No hearty platitudes!
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dared to grieve fully.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
participate more choosing selections for his funeral. Held him
after death.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
find the courage to reach out for support.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
religion - everyone assumed it would help or did help me but not
true. If anything, it was my religious friends and family who said
the most hurtful things.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I experience another loss in life it pulls me back to the pain of
my son's death.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that children have pain and die. Life is just not fair - a cliche
but so true.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
complete disbelief, couldn't imagine how I could keep going.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
suspicion. I am a more assertive comsumer of medical care now,
less likely to trust a doctor.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
judgement: the expectation that if I believed my son was in heaven,
I wouldn't be so sad.
--Religious Affiliation:
spiritual
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
a feeling of watching it all from a distance, doing the right things,
but not being in my body.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
there are no clearcut stages of grief and don't set yourself up
to expect them. sometimes you're angry, sometimes you're sad, it
goes around in a circle. Anyway, Kubler-Ross's stages were really
formulated to describe dying not grieving.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wish there was a way he could have understood that the pain
wasn't caused by me or those who loved him. he was so young, he
had no conception of pain or illness or death.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I never had a visit, but I did dream of him.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I wrote letters to my son; I sent myself a mother's day card "from
him", I talked and talked and wrote and wrote; Once I went outside
and broke a bunch of dishes - it felt good to release anger.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I light candle on children's memorial day
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Support Group
Compassionate Friends and later reaching out to other bereaved
parents
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Sensitivities
felt pushed to "get over it" & move on when I still needed to talk
and grieve
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
attended TCF support group and went on to volunteer with them for
years afterwards
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See Feb 05 contributions.
See Jan 05 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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