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See Current contributions.
See Dec 04 contributions.
See Nov 04 contributions.
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Fri Jan 28 05:24:41 2005
M37 in Kent =UK=
Name: Edmund
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Googled Bardo
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
None
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 76.
--Details:
It was in a hospice and at the end she was desparate to go.
My sisters and I sat with her in shifts for the last 72 hours or so.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The end of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wasn't that bothered, really. It was my grandad, and I'd never
been close to him, and I was in the middle of intense exams.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Mother's death from cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My mother's last words. There was no-one else there, just me. It
was about three in the morning and having not been able to move
for days, she sat up in her bed and said "Please, help me go".
--What I think my (UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
We should be able to help people die when it's appropriate.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
She was at peace in the end.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My wife, and a new puppy we had.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My dad's grief
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Make sure you say averthing you want to before the end. I was glad
I was able to have a last chat a few days before my mother died.
Some of my sisters arrived late and weren't able to do that.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
N/A
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
N/A
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Didn't laugh or feel the need to.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I could have helped her to go when she asked me to.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Have a last chat
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
N/A
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
N/A
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear the William Croft funeral service we played at her funeral.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I wish she'd not had cancer, or been able to pull through it.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
N/A
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
N/A
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Relief that her suffereing had ended.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The hospice staff and the cancer treatment staff were brilliant,
but her idiot doctor was treating her for cystitis when she had
bladder cancer. When she was diagnosed with cancer it was really
too late to do anything.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They were really good.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing to me, something to my dad.
--Religious Affiliation:
Anglican High Church, but I haven't really believed in anything
since I was a child.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
N/A
--Regarding MONEY:
N/A
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Nothing much went wrong
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
N/A
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Once they told her she wouldn't recover, she went downhill in a
matter of days.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
There weren't any stages, it just got less intense with time.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Nothing. I've seen no evidence of all that stuff.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
N/A
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
No unresolved issues, I just miss her.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
N/A
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Some people speak to the deceased as if they were there. My father
does. I wish I could do that.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The deceased's wishes for the funeral arrangements should be followed
but the dead have it easy. The living should be thought of.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope it doesn't hurt. I view it as laying down a burden. I'd be
more upset for my wife than for myself.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
He was steadfast.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have some nice photos, I wear jumpers my mother knitted, I have
some letters from her and I remember her. Time eases the pain.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I'm much more sensitive, I have more empathy than I did.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
It has brought my family closer together.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? The Funeral
My Dad was so distraught we all had to be strong for him.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
My mother's last words to me were "Please, help me go". I wish I
could have helped her. I had gone home for a bath when she actually
died. I should have been there.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
"Been there" for my dad and my sisters.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I couldn't relate to some of the questions at all. I'm a
down-to-earth athiest and I have no issues with my parents. I wish
with all my heart my mother was still alive and healthy, but she
isn't and there's nothing to be done.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
N/A
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Thu Jan 27 01:29:16 2005
F23 in Lacey, WA =USA=
Name: Rebecca
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Google: Online Psych Experiments
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Mystery of Birth and Death
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Ramtha
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cystic fibrosis; Aged: 17.
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--Death Is:
something that we don't understand, but which we certainly don't
need to expalin to aliens! Only humans don't understand it.
Death is only a failure of living. It's a filure to complete the
mission that we came here to fulfill. Beings from other planets
would know that. They know that humans are beings that are stunted
and actually DIE--death is an unnatural process--we are actually
supposed to live for thousands and millions of years; when we die,
it means that we failed to live.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was frustrated that we live in a world where the most fundamental
questions, such as life, death, the very meaning of LIVING, are
ignored. Why go to school and learn arithmatic, history, science,
when things that we deal with, like death and birth, are things that
are pushed aside? They are the issues that every human being wonders
about, and yet, they are the things that we must put aside when we
walk into an institution. They are the issues that countries and
"intellectuals" and "diplomats" fight over. Why couldn't we have a
class where we all put aside our prejudices, and fears, hatreds, and
combine our KNOWLEDGE and talk about the commonalities of religions
or what we've learned, why couldn't we come together as a human
race and solve these underlying questions? Death taught me that.
And yet, I put on a smile and walked into the falseness of school.
It changed my life forever though, because I've never forgotten how
someone's death was covered over so easily and how I was expected to
go back to such a meaningless life, such a meaningless existance,
when nobody around me could even explain to me where my friend had
gone to, and why I couldn't talk to her anymore.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how the "adults" in my life were able to tune the whole situation
out. The principal of my school allowed about two days for
"mourning" and then he scrapped the entire thing and called me and
a few of my friends into his office and demanded that we take down
our memorial for her (a wall of pictures we'd lovingly spent days
putting up while she was in the hospital fighting for her life) and
said "I think the grieving period is over, it's time to move on".
It amazed me that an adult in this world could be so cold-hearted
about someone who was 17, dealing with their first major death.
Didn't they understand that we had lost a companion? Someone that
we hung out with every day? Every weekend? Someone that was part
of our high school experience, that we would never see again? I also
remember that my friends and I formed a circle around ourselves that
literally saved me (and I'm sure saved them)because nobody outside
of us seemed to understand, even the adults. We had grown up with
this girl, and shared weekend parties and experiences with her that
nobody could possibly begin to understand, and she was suddenly
gone without anybody telling us the truth about what she suffered at
the end (which would later be revealed to us, in pieces, throughout
the years). I also remember how many of my teachers, who meant well,
didn't know how to handle me. They didn't know what to do with me,
or how to respond to me. Inside, I was crying and only wanted a
break, only wanted a hug, and they didn't know what to do for me.
I wish they had known, because I was in no state to explain.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
more unity, and less religion. Religion is bullshit and only creates
fear and superstition about death. Listen more to the people
who have had near death experiences and out of body experiences.
THOSE are real.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
It was one of the catalysts for me seeing through our culture and
seeing through "adults" and seeing through the way our "system"
and "society" is set up--and just how dysfunctional and fucked
up it really is--it doesn't address the REAL issues of humanity,
the real needs, the real desires, hopes, dreams, the REAL things
of every human being. Although I suspected it before, my friend's
death is one thing that made that crystal clear for me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
FRIENDS--like I've said above.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the unexpectedness of it. Like I've said earlier, we always "knew"
(had been told) that she dealt with cystic fibrosis, but we grew
up with her, and it was just part of who she was, and I guess
none of us never TRULY believed she would actually die from it,
because she was such a fighter. Whenever she was in the hospital,
she was such a fighter, and hardly EVER let us see her weakness.
She always talked so positively, and even to the end, she never
let anyone see how sick she was. So her death and her closeness
to death was a complete shock. I guess she wanted it that way,
but it was shocking.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't treat them any differently. If they are "chronically ill"
like with cystic fibrosis or cancer, treat them normally--and
if they are in the hospital--VISIT THEM AS MUCH AS YOU CAN!!!
NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY! If they tell you that they don't need
to be visited, ignore them! It means so much more than they
let on. It means so much to them just to have your company there
in the hospital room. And bring them "care packages" and baskets
with balloons and things that are thoughtful and things that they
enjoy--put thought into it! And bring groups of people if you can.
Put thought into it--they just want to feel normal for God's sake.
They don't want to be reminded that they are sick and dying.
But if you are close to them, and they are depressed, don't avoid
the subject, either. It's VERY important to talk to the person
about death. Someone on the verge of death that is dealing with
death alone--it can be terrifying for them to have all of their
loved ones coming in and NOT talking about the very subject that
is terrifying them the most. Suck it up and face it--after all,
THEY have to! Make it an honest topic, as soon as you break the
ice, it will all flow. They are waiting for SOMEONE to talk to.
you don't have to have the answers, they just want someone to be
REAL with, they just want someone to tell their fears to.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
could love somone so much. I didn't know that I could miss someone
so much. I know that she is with me all of the time. It's strange
because she died our senior year of high school, and wasn't able to
graduate with us, but four years later, all of us have gone separate
ways, and yet it's like she's in all of our heads, and keeps all of
us connected in a way that I think no other high school class could
be kept together otherwise. She's a powerful force and I love her
and always will. She will always be with me and I know that she
knows I love her even though I never had that "last opportunity"
to tell her.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
She just wasn't there anymore. Where the fuck was she?
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i just remember that my emotions were up and down...i'm sure this
happened, i always laugh at the most inappropriate moments anyway,
but it was four years ago now, i can't remember the specificis...but
i'm SURE that this happened...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
It's a long story but there were many things I wish I could have told
her. They're all very complicated and have to do with the "clique"
that we were involved in...obviously not important anymore since
high school is over, but I feel that she knows. Especially since
those things somehow miraculously got resolved and all involved
talked about how she probably had something to do with it.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
My last moment with her was like a fucking movie--she was
sick enough to be in the hospital (we found out later) but she
insisted on coming to the homecoming football game, where I was a
homecoming princess...I was with my boyfriend and saw her before
half-time (when I had to be "on stage") and she told me sincerely
how absolutely beautiful I looked, and how cold I looked, which
I was. Even though she was hooked up to an oxygyn machine and it
was an effort, she insisted on giving me a fleece jacket of hers.
I wore it all night and at the end, I saw her one more time and
wanted to give it back, and she just laughed and said, "It's okay,
I trust you--you'll bring it to me in the hospital when you come
visit, right?" I said, "Of course!" She said, "Do you promise
to come visit me again like you did last month?" I said, "Yeah,
how long will you be there?" She said, "Probably no longer than
a week." (which turned out to be a lie on her part, she knew she
was deathly ill) I said, "I will DEFINITELY come visit you (which
I did, but wasn't allowed to see her). That was my last visit to
her and of course, I still have that fleece, it's one of my most
cherished possessions, and I thank her every day for that last gift.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Well, I always think I am "over it" but the fact that I am spending
a fucking hour writing about her...she will always be so special to
me...just recently, a friend of mine that was also close to her...we
got drunk and found ourselves at her gravesite, sobbing...she will
never be far from us, and her death impacted us more than I think
I realize.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
about 24 hours after i found out...i was driving home from school,
and it "hit me" and i started sobbing and pulled into my driveway,
somehow managed to get out of my car, up the stairs, and collapsed
into my mom's lap, saying, "Melissa didn't make it, she died"
which sent me into an hour of tears. my mom held me in silence.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
bullshit and brainwashing
--Religious Affiliation:
Was a Christian until I was 12 and thought for myself and realized
that the God of the Bible and Church didn't make any fucking sense
if you thought about it, and so now I go to Ramtha's School of
Enlightenment and know that each one of us are Gods in human form
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many fucking false people were there that didn't give a shit
about her in real life but wanted to make an "appearance" and look
good for society--such is life and humanity
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
People who attend a dying loved one are so affected by the death
process. I almost don't know what to say about it, it's so profound
and life-altering, watching someone die slowly from a disease
like cancer, or having someone suddenly die from a disease like
cystic fibrosis, even when you've been aware of it for a long time.
A reflection I could offer is that it DOES get better--the process
is devestating and deblititating, it's true, and there's really
nothing to soothe that, and the best thing is to just FEEL it all.
The best thing is to make your life facilitate YOU so that you can
feel the pain of losing the person and watching them go through the
pain, because it's almost going to be MORE painful on you, especially
after they go. Watching someone go through a slow and painful death
is difficult, but after they go, it's like a rubber band has been
snapped, and suddenly all the feelings you've been holding, are
released and you have to deal with them, PLUS the grieving process.
It's best to have things to do in your life, but not TOO much.
Take on what you feel you can handle, but not TOO much. Keep in your
life only those who support you and cut out those who don't--don't
worry about anyone else's feelings for the moment--you can deal
with that later. You have dealt with someone else's feelings and
life for so long, that it's totally time to take care of yourself,
and everything else can fall to the wayside, and you can pick up
the piceces that are left, later. Whatever is left after this
experiece, is worth picking up. The focus is survival, and making
yourself comfortable within a cushion of comfort. And remember
that grief comes in waves. Some days are better than others, but
the bad days/weeks/hours won't last FOREVER. Feel them, don't deny
them. THey won't last forver. Eventually, you will re-surface,
and it will be like gulping air after being on the bottom of the
ocean. And there will be a beautiful new life for you to rejoin.
A different one than before, but you will be a different person.
And you must never look back, just keep moving forward--always.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no unresolved issues, everything has worked out now...and things
that were unresolved when she died have worked out now and like i
said before, i feel that she had a hand in working them out...they
had to do with other friends that she knew, and those people also
thought she had a hand in helping to work them out.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I get together with a few friends of mine on the day that she died
(HALLOWEEN actually) and we celebrate because she lived her life
knowing she would die young, so she did everything she could as soon
as she could (drank, smoked, had sex, drove, EVERYTHING against
the law, basically ha ha ha), and my friends and I celebrate life
in honor of her once a year at least
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
like I said above, I try to live my life the way that she did--she
knew she would die early, so she lived her life never knowing just
how "early" she would die. Doctors told her she'd die before age
20, so she hardly ever went to school, she slept around, she drank
tons of alcohol, smoked pot, broke tons of laws, did tons of "bad"
shit, and basically had a hell of a great time LIVING each day.
I remember that because really, who knows when I will die, who
knows when each of us will die?
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
FRIENDS and common understanding among peers who went through the
same exact thing
FUCKING RELIGION AND ADULTS that wanted us to "get over it" and
deal with it in a "more appropriate manner". They actually told
us that it was "time to be over the griveing process".
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Wed Jan 26 06:10:09 2005
F25 in Wellington, =New Zealand=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: Sleep technologist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Suicide; Aged: 17.
--Details:
RH was the sister of my ex-boyfriend. My ex and I had become friends
after our relationship had ended and I was very close to his family.
At the time I was staying in a flat that my boyfriend's family had
on their property. RH had been unhappy for some time. Her family
had had to deal with quite a few upsets (death, unwell father)
over the last year and it had taken its toll on her. The day
it happened she had spent the day with me. Chatting idly about
her upcoming 18th birthday. I wasn't aware anything was amiss.
That night she dressed in dark clothes, emptied her room of her
belongings, left one CD and a story for her brother in her room,
and lay on the railway tracks until a train hit her. We didn't know
she was gone until the next morning when everything just felt wrong.
In hindsight there were lots of signs that things were wrong and
there's been a lot of guilt about that since then.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a body stops being alive. All its working parts stop going.
It can be caused by an illness which takes its toll on the body
or by the body becoming significantly aged and unable to work
properly anymore.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
sat on my bed in shock. I don't remember crying that night at all.
I didn't know what to think or do really. All I remember thinking
was how is my mum going to cope with this and feeling really scared
for her. My nana (mum's mum) had just died and mum suffered from
quite bad depression. She would sometimes go in her room for days
and refuse to speak. I was afraid nana's death would trigger one
of these withdrawl episodes.
--That first time, how it happened was
My nana died. We saw my Nana on a regular basis because she lived
nearby and my mum spoke to her on the phone every day. We were
very close to her.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
guilt. My friend had just committed suicide. I remember going over
and over everything that had happened over the last few months in my
head and seeing all the signs I had missed that in hindsight seemed
so clear. My friend's mum was a mess (understandably) but I remember
feeling almost angry towards her for hogging all the limelight.
People seemed to be ignoring my friend's dad and brothers because
their mum was causing such a commotion all the time.
Her death
also brought to light my own troubles with depression and probably
encouraged me to seek help.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking about it. It seemed a wee while before I was able to say
anything. I was afraid I might upset other people by talking about
things too soon. But talking to neutral parties was always good.
Just getting your ideas out there. Venting frustration and hurt etc.
And getting the support from your friends so that you know you
always have a shoulder to lean on if things get tough for you.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the huge gap that seems to be left by the person who died. The more
they were involved in your life the more you keep remembering the
things you used to do with them. Every time you go to do one of
things the memory keeps getting jogged and it's like you have to
grieve continually over and over again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
keep things light. My friend's father was dying of cancer and in
his last days we gathered round and just chatted. I remember making
him laugh and that felt so good. I didn't want him to die so sad.
Every now and then he shed a tear and you were reminded that they
really didn't want to let go of this world so soon.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I felt angry and almost jealous of my friend's demise. I felt so
ashamed of my emotions. People were paying her so much attention for
something that I suffered from too. I wanted people to appreciate
me that much...
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell my nana how much I loved her. Nana wasn't really a touchy
feely person but nevertheless I think she would have appreciated it.
got to know my grandfather more. When he died I just didn't
feel that much. I don't think he was a big enough part of my life
when really he should have been.
given more of myself to rachel.
Then perhaps she wouldn't have felt the need to take her life.
I knew some of the things she was going through as I had suffered
from depression for some time. Perhaps I could have provided some
support for her.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I watch movies or programs on the tv that mimic the death scenarios
I have experienced in life. Or books that I read and suddenly I am
taken back and it's happening all over again. There are certain
emotions I'll never forget, smells, the looks on people's faces,
the screaming cries of shock... how do you lose all that?
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I often think about what it would be like if my nana was still alive.
I wonder if she would be proud of the women I had grown into.
I wonder if I would have been slightly different if I had still
had her influence in my life through my late teen years.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
on other people that rachel took her own life. The hurt she
caused in all around was just unbelievable. And the events that
happened afterwards in that family seemed a direct result of what
she had done.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
purely stunned. I sat and watched, mute. I didnt' know what to do.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
not a lot. I didn't think about the after life or try to gain
comfort from my religious beliefs. I am fiercely independent and
it never really occurred to me to look elsewhere for help.
--Religious Affiliation:
unitarian universalist
past catholic
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
We were really left to cope on our own. I'm not sure exactly
what helped. I remember it all feeling quite surreal
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
We had seen here earlier in the day so it seemed amazing that that
night she could be dead. We had never come across anything like
this before. Our family is all quite young and healthy.
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Sun Jan 23 22:02:59 2005
F53 in Winnipeg, Manitoba =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I was just checking out surveys.
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Prof/Studies: Parole Officer
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More personal info:
N/A
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 14 Months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer of the colon; Aged: 75.
--Details:
I took my friend to emerg to have a possible fracture of a clavical
and she was diagnosed with cancer within two days. Her prognosis was
for two years of survival but she died within four months.My parents
lived quite far from me and had illnesses prior to their demise.I
wasn't able to "be there" for them.My mother died from a complication
of bypass surgery. I have had both cancer of the uterus and a heart
attack which resulted in bypass surgery since my friend's demise.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
another leg of a learning voyage which provides a resting stage
that is a place of great peace.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was aware that my grandmother was ill and she had died by the
time I reached the city she lived in. It seemed strange that she
would die because she did not seem to be all that sick.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother passed away when I was in my early twenties.She was
the first person to die in my family that was known to me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
This is not about my friend's death. Once when I was caring for a
patient, who was supposedly a hypochondriac,she told me that before
I went for my break she wanted me to know that I had been of great
comfort to her.I did not think anything of it although on some
level it seemed strange. By the time I came back from my coffee
break she had died.Another time I sat with an elderly man who had
pneumonia and was breathing very laboured. It was believed that he
would not make it through the night.I kept returning to him after
I completed various rasks in an effort to see that he did not die
alone. At one point I whispered that it would be okay to give up
and not fight anymore. Shortly after I was walking down the hall
to attend to something else and I saw sparkly things dancing in
the air. When I went back to his room he had passed away.I felt
that it had been his spirit in hall.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is inevitable and it is better to be a part of your death
than a disjointed participant.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my family spoke pretty openly about death and dying. I am not
saying that we necessarily have a better handle on it than others
just bigger mouths.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
believing that physical suffering is brought to an end.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
selfish thoughts such as my friend wouldn't be available for those
cups of tea and philosophical discussions,
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I made it quite clear to my friend that I would be there for her
in the real sense of the word.I missed one day of visiting in
the four month period. I tried to anticipate her level of comfort
and other needs which led to her saying that it was uncanny that
I often knew what she needed before she knew.I remember when she
didn't have the energy for visits I told her that she should just
close her eyes and be comfortable because we were all aware that
she was there and listening. That seemed to make it easier for her
to not to feel obligated to talk etc. and she seemed more relaxed
knowing that those around her were aware of her.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was made more comfortable by her death when I was later faced with
serious illnesses. She died with dignity and taught me to trust my
own beliefs about dying.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
She talked to me and to her children about her final wishes and
we all had access to one another but in the end two of her final
requests were neglected because people had to make decisions and
hadn't been a part of specific discussions.It wasn't awful.I just
saw that the body stuff was just that and it was pretty amazing
that everything went as well as it did.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
we all laughed on and off through the experience because my friend
was a unique individual and there were great 'stories'.No one seemed
uncomfortable with the laughter.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
No regrets have been revealed thus far.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
deliver the eulogy and help her children a bit.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Unrelated to my friend's death. When I was about twenty two one of
my best friends lost her five month old baby to crib death, later I
took care of some children who died of leukemia - it was/is a very
different experience.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
no, there are times when I wish we could do tea but I haven't been
teary eyed. I somethimes "talk" to her as I do my parents.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
She would have had a hard time with my illnesses. She had complained
of not feeling well for quite awhile and she would have 'worried'
etc about me.It is kind of a relief that things went as they did.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
life isn't fair ( comments about children dying) or at least it is
not revealed in it's wholeness to us.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
aw she has peace now - no more aching and nausea,
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
There were wonderful people in that community but for all of the
progress that has been made there were crazy mistakes made ie:wrong
meds, sleeping pills given in am instead of pm for a week, etc. In
the end it all just is what it is.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
They do a pretty good job of finding people who are well suited to
working with dying people, The odd misfits really stuck out.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
She re-connected with her church shortly after being diagnosed and
that contact was a wonderful thing for her. I do not belong to any
particular organized religion.
--Religious Affiliation:
Attended a number of different churches/temples in my life.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
absolute
--Regarding MONEY:
she had an insurance policy so that her children would not have
difficulty paying for her funeral etc.She had also come into a few
thousand dollars while she was on her death bed so she actaully had
more money than she was accustom to.This was wonderful because she
was able to do a few things that were like trats to her.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
she knew more people than I realized she knew.She was an artist and
had become a bit reclusive in her last few years of life but everyone
came out of the woodwork so to speak.It was nice for her children.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
We had, had a discussion before she died about what happens when
you die. She really didn't have any strong beliefs about that but I
suggested that if the spirit continures she should go to a particular
spiritualist church on the Sunday closest to her next birthday.I said
that I would go there and she could send me a message. We laughed
about it and she agreed to do so. I attended with another friend
and I got a message that could have been from her.I don't know....
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I recognized early on that the prognosis was not likely accurate
because I knew this woman and her 'state'/ abilities well. I asked
her family to talk her other children into coming two months earlier
than they were planning for a visit.The signs with her were her
low energy level and loss of appetite.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I believe that she let us celebrate her life as a grieving process.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I suppose that it is more than coincidence that I was already
travelling in the direction of this line of questioning.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have not had a near death experience but I have felt as if my
spirit and body have been disconnected a few times.Once was when I
fell down a long set on concrete stairs and I felt that I remained
at the top watching my body fall. After one of my recent surgeries I
felt as if part of me had not been re-connected with my body. This
seemed strange because you would think that you are either at home
or you aren't.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
She and I are fine. I believe there are small issues with my parents
because we lived so geographically far apart and didn't always have
the luxury of time. I tend to feel that we have communicated about
them but in some cases it is just that we came at things differently
because the course of our everyday lives was different.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
My father was a wonderful man and father.He did not have a 'warm'
up-bringing and while he was quite capable,forged a good career etc
he was always a bit insecure.I had gone to visit him in October
of one year with my younger brother who also had to travel from
another place yet.It was a short visit and I told him that I would
come back in February for a real visit. As we were pulling out
of his driveway I knew he wanted us to not leave and a part of
me wanted to ask my brother to stop so that I could go and give
him another hug goodbye and remind him that I would be coming back
soon,I didn't and he died on Christmas Day. We never had the visit
and I think it would have been reassuring for him had I listened
to my instincts. I would feel as if I had made his earth timea bit
more comfortable.Obviously the spin off is that I would feel better.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
No one has appeared directly before me. I am not sure that I would
want that to happen and perhaps because of that it doesn't.Although
I went toddling off to a spiritualist church following my friends
departure I tend to believe that it is probably healthier to be
where you are meant to be.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The body becomes pretty immaterial so I don't have wishes etc. They
can dance on my chest or not, give away things,or not. My general
will is done and if I change my mind in the next while I can do a
living will appoint one of my children my living executor etc.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I recognize that it is really important, for me, to have the
practical stuff in place - like funeral arrangements.I believe that
my children have had enough practice with serious illness and myself
in the past year. I recognized that I really wasn't going to have a
lot of impact after the fact and that I could only 'hope'that they
would find their individual ways through it as well as being able
to help one another.I could be doing a number of things to plan the
celebration but, honestly, I am getting complacent.I should have
the music chosen, the appetizers chosen, blah, blah. I WOULD HATE
TO LEAVE MY GRAND DAUGHTER WHO IS ONLY TEN.WE TALK ABOUT NANA'S
BELIEF OF WHAT DYING IS ABOUT ETC.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I have and then I re-write it and then I am not satisfied with
that.It is quite an expensive proposition and as you can see I am
wordy. The more words the more cost. It is intimidating because I
want to say something to a lot of people. It would be better for me
to do my own eulogy.I suppose the theme would be that I am looking
forward to a rest and I might joke about promising not to meddle in
their lives just because I could get around so much more quietly.I
don't know.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
After my mother dies I use to send yellow balloons to her on her
birthday until someone told me that a lot of birds die because
of them.It just made a moment of cheeriness between us.See how I
am talking even though I say it is better to be in one place or
another etc.I maintain contact but want it on my terms.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
No. I am not overly comfortable discussing death with most people
because they often seem to need the more maudelin versions of
grieving and you don't want to rain on other people's parades.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I wondered if that would happen. Actually, quite the opposite is
happening. She has passed on, and two other close friends will
likely move to other cities in the next two years. I am realizing
that I will have to 'get out there and join something'or something
or I won't have things/people to do or share with in my age group.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
I believe that the soul is eternal and the body temporary. In fact,
the body can be as much a hinderance as a help.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
I also started working in hospitals at an early age and was called
upon to prepare bodies for the morgue.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
No response.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It does remind me that I am being complacent about some arrangements.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I suspect that what we believe comes after death is a pretty strong
influence on how we feel about it happening.I think some of the
'strange' things that have happened to me in my life ( the ones
that I can't really explain) have made me feel more comfortable
about the fact that even when we aren't always completely in charge
things have a way of working out.
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Fri Jan 21 05:36:17 2005
F32 in Rock Spring, Wyoming =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
surfin'
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Prof/Studies: ER RN
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 5 Months ago.
Cause of Death: unknown cause, they ruled it a heart attack,
I am an ER RN and I think he had a massive stroke, however we will
never know for sure as we did not have him posted and he was creamated;
Aged: 58.
--Details:
My Dad was on the road alot. He was a traveling salesman. He was on
his sales route and had stayed in a motel that he had stayed in the
last 20 years. He talked to my Mom at a little after 10pm that nite.
He was found the next day at about noon, they went into the room
because he hadn't checked out. The M.E. for that county said he
died between the time he spoke with my Mom and midnight. He was
found sitting in the chair in front of his computer and apparently
had no pain, because he didn't move.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
cesation of the physical being.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wanted to hide
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how angry i was that my Dad was dead, My Mother's face as she
told me. At the funeral thinking, "he'll wake up any time now",
the coffin being closed, when they loaded him into the hurse, my
sister asked to be hugged and I couldn't, because I froze at the
though of never seeing my Dad again
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Dead people don't bite, it is ok to continue to show physical (kiss,
touch) affection to your loved one. Of course, not everyone can
do this.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My parents had moved from a house that was a huge physical
responsibility just 6 weeks before my Dad passed away. It is good
that my Mom doesn't have to deal with that
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
coloring, close friends and family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Losing my HERO, my strength, my knowledge and my safety.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just be there, it's called presence, you don't have to talk, or do,
just be
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
How could a 58 year old man just die in a
motel room sitting in a chair doing a bunch of
nothing????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is release and at a time of great stress it's needed,
appropriate or not.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have talked with him the week he died. We went to the stock car
races the Saturday before he died, we usually talked two to five
times a week and I had planed to spend the weekend with my folks,
he died on Thursday.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
function and not shut down.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we discovered that my Dad's recliner still smelled like him and we
all took turns "chair sniffin'"
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the flowers, what kind of spray to put on the casket, yeah, like
my Dad was really into flowers!
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I feel threatened by something, anything. I feel abandoned and
stripped of my whole being.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I had no regrets with my Dad, I would just continue to enjoy our
lives together as a family.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that you can wake up dead at a time in your life when things are
going so well and life is fun and just plain good.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
have my Dad back in my life
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Mad as hell. I stomped around like a 2 year old screaming " that
son of a bitch, how dare he, goddamn him!!!!!!"
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I am one of them so my view is skewed. And my Dad was not seen by
anyone concering his death
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing, i beleive in a higher power, but have little use for
organized religion
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I am not there yet.
--Regarding MONEY:
it was not an issue except with my Mom and her financial need to
live and be comfortable
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the number of people my Dad touched and influenced in 58 short years,
he had people travel from great distances, some he had only met a
time or two
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The weekend before my Dad died, he and my Mom were going to go
motorcycle riding, however the battery on the bike was dead and
my Dad told my Mom he would need to either charge it or buy a new
one. He left on his sales route on Monday and did nither. After his
death I went out to the motorcycle and turn it on, listened to
the radio with this supposed dead battery. My Mom was absolutly
astounded, and she also was able to start the bike.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
n/a
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
n/a
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
N/A
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
N/A
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no regrets with my Dad, we had an awsome relationship that
seemed to get better and better with each passing year
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would ask "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?", Why did you choose this
"out"? And I would get to tell him one last time that I Love him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
still waiting
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
n/a
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
There are fates worse than death.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I like to color, like a little kid. It is mindless activity that
for me is healing and soothing. I also like to drive and cry and
sing at the top of my lungs.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Just lonely.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Nope
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Abandonment
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Dissociation
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I didn't reach out and because I am a private person people kinda
left me alone
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Good for me to think and share.
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Thu Jan 20 10:38:19 2005
F34 in New London, NC =USA=
Name: Teresa
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 12 Years ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 60.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The physical end. The person lives on here with loved ones through
memeries and love
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt bad for not knowing what to say or do to make things better.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
At first I could not remember my grandmother with out the first
thought in my mind being of her in the hospital. So ugly and eat
up with cancer That I prayed for god to let her die right then.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I found my grandmothers bible and saw in her hand notes she made. I
belive she was saved and sought Gods instruction in forgiveness
and forgiving others.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My sister ! She has always been there for me. She has lived the
came life I have, we have a history I dont have to explain things
or people she already knows because she was there
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing I could not go back and say the things like I love
you. Spending more time with her and getting to know her as the
woman and not just a grandmother.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
It helps YOU at least that is one less thing to feel guilty about
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I still have another grandmother that I spend time with. I find out
about her childhood, likes ,dislikes everything she will tell me
about her life and the history of the family. A lot of that history
will be firever lost if I dont ask and hold on to it to pass it on
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Being able to talk about it with someone I knew had felt the
same way.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
She was the "mean" grandma. When I became a teenager and had my
own life I just left her ( and others) behind.
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Thu Jan 6 20:00:32 2005
F75 in Jensen Beach, = ?? =
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I am reading the Tibeten Book of the Dead and looked up Bardo on
my search engine
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Avoiding Everything
I was sitting with my cousin, Ada, who is 7 years older than I,
in a crowded upstairs bedroom. It was very hot and I fanned myself
with my skirt and my cousin and I got the giggles and I couldn't stop
giggling. I was so embarrassed I just wanted to drop through a hole.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Dissociation
When my father died at 94 years of age, I couldn't stop crying at
the services and felt as much out of control as I did when I had
the giggles at my grandfather's funeral services. This was 62
years later.
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See Dec 04 contributions.
See Nov 04 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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