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See Current contributions.
See Mar 04 contributions.
See Feb 04 contributions.
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Fri Apr 30 11:48:25 2004
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ UseNet posting ]
needed one for school
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 1 Years ago.
Cause of Death: car accidet; Aged: .
--Details:
she was driving to work, and lost control of the car,and hit a tree
and sies instantaneously.
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--Death Is:
oging to Heaven
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
when i was about 11
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
tears. I still cry for my cousim, when I was younger i didnt know to
much about it. But I grew up with my cousin, and now shes not here,
and it hurtsto know that I will never ve able to see her again.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
its a new beginng.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i know my cousin is happier then she was on earth.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family. TAlking to them
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the realization that you will never see that person again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
tos pend as much time with them as possible.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
is that she should not think about death as a bad experience,
but as a good experience.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the fact that we never know when it is our time.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
when i get nervous or sad sometimes i laugh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
there was something that I had said abotu my cousin, it wasnt bad,
but it is something that I wish that I didnt say.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
my aunt is able to move onm it is very hard to loose a daughter,
especially right after you loose a father.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
to see my aint smiling at her daughters funeral, instead of crying
even though she was hurting
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
crying
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when there is somethign that triggers a memory
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think that we would have so much to talk about.My cousins used to
always have inside jokes and stories to tell eachother, Sometimes
there is something that I want to tell her, but she is nto there
for me to tell her.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
yea. Its not fair that my cousin only 17, about to go be a senior
died. She was so smart, talented, and innocent. Its not fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
when I see my aunt sad, i just cant find the words to say to her.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was when my grandfather died.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
it was decent
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
What Helped me most deal with death? Disbelief it could happen
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Funeral and Rituals
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Mon Apr 26 18:22:24 2004
F45 in miami, fla =usa=
Name: laurie
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Prof/Studies: head start teacher
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More personal info:
does not matter
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
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How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
i do not have a problem with it at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
i was worried about my kids as soon as i worried about them i was
senk not my time yet
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Mon Apr 26 09:58:04 2004
M26 in pinon hills , california =usa=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Prof/Studies: unemployed
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 12 Years ago.
Cause of Death: AIDS related illness; Aged: 43.
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--Death Is:
death is like a freeing of the soul to attain more I dont believe
in death of us as a person but i do belierve our persona and spirit
go on to other things like possibly reincarnation or maybe a circle
of returning to a home beyond our earthly existance
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and morned a huge loss
--That first time, how it happened was
my uncle bob died of aids related illness
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my grandmother and grandfather crieing
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not a bad thing but a continuance of us when were ready to move on
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it was death that helped me realise my grandma was human and had
emotions
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the memories of all the fun we had together
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
being positive and showing you care and love them is most important
dont dwell on the pain and loss
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
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Sun Apr 25 20:03:11 2004
M17 in hesperia, california =usa=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Prof/Studies: sales
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More personal info:
n/A
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Fri Apr 23 10:13:01 2004
F19 in St. Joseph , MO =usa=
Name: katie
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: lukemia; Aged: .
--Details:
He was only 8 years old, but he had been sick for a long time and
he had downsyndrom, but he was the cutest little boy.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
physically our body cecising to live, our heart stops, brain waves
stop, breathing stops...everything that keeps us alive
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
knew it was coming
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
a close family friend's grandfather died...he was also a close
friend too, it was unexpectedly
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
inevidable, is not something to be scared about or not talked about
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
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Wed Apr 21 23:17:43 2004
F21 in =Bosnia=
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Found us by: [ Email Message ]
Prof emailed me the link
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandDaughter, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: natural; Aged: .
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--Death Is:
when the body stops functioning, you can't feel anything, inevitable
(everyone dies), irreversible
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
couldn't believe it at first. I had to keep picturing them gone
to actually believe they are gone. I wasn't in close proximity
which made me very sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
it was a relative, a grandmother, and we were very close. It was
natural death. I learned about it from my mom who heard about it
over the phone.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My mom crying a lot, my relatives talking to my mom, my mom telling
me the person was sick instead of the truth
--What I think my (Bosnia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to deal with it and accept it and make it easier on oneself
and others
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
having my family around me all the time.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to talk about it openly
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to be touchy, show love, talk openly about everything, laugh
--[My Aunt's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
cherrish every single day and dont be afraid to talk about death
and the situation one is in.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the family's behavior while the person was dying
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk to the person more, spend more time, laugh more, be closer
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the family showed so much love for one another
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why not, why that person
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried a lot.
--Regarding MONEY:
it seemed that if we had the money, the person would have been
treated differently and lived longer.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
talking to the children of the person who died...not knowing what
to say..
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
getting together with family and just talking
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
guilty for not spending enough time
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Wed Apr 21 15:55:49 2004
F60 in Boulder, Colorado =USA=
Name: Carole Lindroos
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Psychotherapist
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Stephen Levine
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Stephen Levine and Elizabeth Kubleer Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 30.
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--Death Is:
the end of life in this body as we know it
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 4 years old and no one talked about it. She just disappeared.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Is that I wasn't certain that I would live through it or wanted to
live after she died.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to talk about it and not to fear talking with someone about dying.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the love that I experienced towards my daughter and she with me in
her final days. Also the love that surrounded my entire family.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My creating my own grief support group of friends who were mostly
counselors. They followed my process and listened and listened and
loved me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My job as a mother was to protect her and I couldn't keep her from
dying. It's not that I feel guilty, I simply feel incredible sadness
that I was helpless to keep her from dying.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she asked for pain medication and they wouldn't give it
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
Dreams and the power of the unconscious and enormous faith and trust
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
lack of family sensitivity and the overwhelm of my mother
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Sun Apr 18 05:23:09 2004
F46 in baker, florida =USA=
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Prof/Studies: Disabbled
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 21 Months ago.
Cause of Death: heart attach; Aged: 45.
--Details:
he passed away alone at work in the middle of the night
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--Death Is:
the body being empty and the soul going to heaven
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was only 14 and 4 of my friends were killed in a freak auto accident
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
hearing my daughter sceam, she was pregnant with our first grandchild
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the help all my husbands co-workers gave and are still giving me
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family, pastor, and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
being alone for the first time in my life
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
always told him that i loved him before we ever parted
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i didn't know how to tell my children over the phone
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be with him before and when he died
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
both sides of the family except jerry's sister showed up to give
support
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
what people wore to the funeral, I told everyone to dress casually
because Jerry hated to dress up
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear alen jacksons song "remember when"
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
he was so close to not having too work so hard to make it
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep all the time and not have to worry about money
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn;t stop crying
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
wish they could have gotten to him sooner
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
strength
--Religious Affiliation:
christianity
--Regarding MONEY:
he had enough insurance to set me up pretty good, I'm the one that
blew it all
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there were so many people there I didn't know what to do, Jerry
always said everyone thought he was an asshole, but apparently he
was wrong
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when I woke up almost a year and a half latter and had to remorn
jerry's death all over again
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that we saved each other when we got married over 25 years ago
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
shortly after I woke up in January 2004, Jerry came to me in a
dream and told me that he loved me but it was time for me to get
on with my life
our daughter dreamed that her father came and held
our grandaughter, and was very happy that they names her after him
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
for a year and a half after my husband died i was on a suicide
mission, i took as much medicine as i could to numb myself and let
different doctors do unneeded surgeries on me hoping i would die
while in the operating room so it would be blamed on the doctors,
not me , so i wouldnt go to hell
now I know that I have to talk
about the good times we had togetherwith family and friends and be
glad that i was able to tell him that i loved him the last time i
saw him alive
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i'm affraid to get too close to anyone new
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Guilt
i went totally parilized for five days
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
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Fri Apr 16 19:17:53 2004
F50 in Victorville, California =USA=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
school assignment
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Prof/Studies: Currently a student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: drug overdose; Aged: 67.
--Details:
My mother had cancer. she was a recovering from mucosis caused by
the chemotherapy. She was to return home in about three weeks. The
nursing home overdosed her with fentanl They doubled her dose.
She told them that something was wrong and she thought that they had
given her too much medication. She exibited all of the symptoms
of a drug overdose yet the staff did nothing. They said they
were understaffed.
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--Death Is:
Death is the end of life as we know it
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
It was my Mother's death She died hard. I was in shock and rage
at how the nursing home treated us.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The depression and feelings of I should of done something more to
protect her.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Do not shield your children from death as my parents did
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The realization of how precious life is
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Counseling
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The depression and bad memories of how mother died
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know that it is ok and you will be ok.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
should have never tru
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The nursing showed so little concern as to what was happening to
their patient
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be more observant as to what was going on with my mother
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
repair the hard feelings that I once had toward my mother
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I told my mother it was ok. That her deceased relatives were
waiing for her. I told her how beautiful she was. She died shortly
after that
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of the treatment that my mother recieved
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I don't think that way
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It wasn't her time yet
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
make my mind stop thinking about it
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
When I learned about my fathers death it was unexpected and I had
no time to prepare emotionally
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
distrust, and contempt toward some health care workers that should
not be there
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Hospice failed my mother They had not had the time to develop a
care plan. I had to call on my own and beg mothers case worker to
come and help attend to my mother
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding MONEY:
not an issue at that time
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
no funeral. Cremation and scattering of the ashes were done by
her children
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
my mothers case was not a normal process of dying
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Mother told me that she saw angels.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My mother and I were able to get our relationship in order. I don't
have many regrets.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I feel that a persons advanced directives should be followed out
of respect to that person. This person is relying on you for the
follow through.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
As mush as we fear death, I have learned that we all accept it in
the end.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I will not have a service or be listed in an obituary. I do not
believe in that part of our societies rituals.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I planted a garden of flowers and vegetables. I needed to work
with the earth.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have come to realize that so much of what people think is important
really isn't. ie: material things,money, and the stress of worring
about what others think about you.
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How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Death is one of man's mysteries that will never be answered. Death is
also a part of life, we need to teach others that it will come and
not to fear it. We do need to teach others more about thr griving
process and the stages they will go through along with avenues for
help if things get too hard to cope with
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Fri Apr 16 09:21:10 2004
F28 in =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 6 Months ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 32.
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--Death Is:
no longer being a physical being.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
really did not experience very much emotion because of my family.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the feeling that my heart was being ripped when I was told.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how it affects the survivors, especially when the death is tragic.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
being able to visit my paternal grandfather's grave (who died 2
weeks before my husband).
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my internet support group (SOLOS-Spouces)
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
coming to the realization that I will never be able to see, touch,
hold this person again; guilt; things left unsaid; that I'm still
alive
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't bother...you need to be there for a person's LIFE!
Just showing up for their death/funeral is not right.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feel about the entire situation...it seems that no one understands
except other people who's spouces have also died by suicide.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
going through his belongings.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I'm glad I laughed and I know he did too.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see or talk to him one more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
meet him, fall in love with him, move in together, get married,
be loved by him.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
something (smell, sight, feeling) reminds me of him.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Not a healthy question that you should be asking.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he's dead.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was having my heart ripped out and that a huge weight had been
placed above me and was squishing me to the ground.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding MONEY:
people got greedy.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the was no funeral.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I have been visited.
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
After he died, that was it. No funeral, no mention of him.
Just recently found out he doesn't even have a grave.
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Wed Apr 14 22:49:25 2004
F56 in =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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More personal info:
None at this time
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Sorry, I can't remember the title. However, she recently died and
during the 60-70's she wrote about death and dying. During the
time I read her excellent book a very important relationship had
ended and it felt like a death.
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
See above.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: normal causes ; Aged: mid 80's.
--Details:
My mother had been ill for three years and not able to care
for herself. SHe was a quadipalegic (Sp?) and in a nursing home.
Dad lived alone, although my two brothers, myself and dad helped to
see to her needs in a nursing home. Dad visited daily. I believe
that mom's illness and her absence from the home wore him down. For 3
years he lived at their home alone, with family members visiting him.
My mother died within the same year. She held on after a serious
illness and after 5 years she died. She suffered immensely . . . .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
An end to a life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt sad.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The suffering and letting go by the deceased and the last breath
of life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
My culture, and in my personal experience within this culture,
deals with death better than most modern (advanced?) cultures.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The strong faith by the deceased in an everlasting afterlife in
heaven, and their continued spirutal presence amongst those who
remain behind. All these are gifts.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Remembering the past with my beloved deceased.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
How much I miss them. A huge hole that will not be filled, a dull
pain in my heart. It is the love that remains with me that helps
me to cope with the absence of their physical presence.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Helping them to understand that I feel honored to be with them if
they want me to. I will do for them what it is they most want done,
if physically possible.
--[My Parents's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Have always needed and loved them. Perhaps I am selfish in saying
that they were and still remain a huge part of me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Having to make a quality of life decision.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I now understand that this was a relief and helped to put me back
on track again. Shocking but true.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have been wiser and spent more time? It's hard to say. This is
a riddle isn't it.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Cope with the absence of their physical presence and feel their
spiritual presence.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The struggle and then the peace.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
It's not all about strict ritual.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about how they would have offered assistance in a particular
situation.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I believe that life would be different. Better.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That death brings such a sudden end and I must accept that.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
No comment.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Knew they were no longer to be physically here. Simple words that
have a profound personal meaning.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Generally good. Some areas of improvement.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
The ritual that honored their life and death and brought closure
to us, the living.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholicism.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Uniting.
--Regarding MONEY:
My parents wisely prepared for the financial part of death while
they were still alive. Something I must do as well.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The funeral was a positive experience.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
It was difficult to leave the cemetary knowing that my parent's
body was buried in the ground. I am a mature person, but still it
was difficult.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
visions.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Remembering that my parents gave me a very good foundation on which
to model my life. We didn't always agree, but there you are.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My father called my attention by pointing to something that he could
see and tried to tell me about, but I could not see what he could.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
No personal experience with "near death".
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Understanding experiences as a mother has helped me to better
understand my mother and gives me insight into unresolved issues.
This is a beginning . . . .
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would thank them for their love and how their spiritual presence
will always be important to me. I would want to know that they
are happy and at peace.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My father came to visit me one sunny, breezy day. He walks toward
me from a distance and I do not recognize him; however, the closer
he comes into view I see it is him. He looks handsome in his
suit I picked out for him for the funeral, younger than when he
died. Behind him at a distance is his casket set on a base, the
lid is open. As he approaches me I do not feel frightened, instead
amazement. He speaks to me, I can neither understand (a similar
experience close to his time of death) when he pointed at something
in the room and told me about it.I couldn't understand what he said.
It is a mystery to me why I blanked out at this particular moment.
Next I remember I look into the distance and see his coffin, and
my father is no longer standing next to me. The coffin lid is
closed. The dream takes place in an unfamiliar place, similar to a
large vacant lot surrounded by a chain-link fence, the grass is dry
and golden. I awoke suddenly and knew I had dreamed of my father.
Wish someone could explain all this to me. I believe/feel that
he was saying goodbye to me? I was very close to my father as a
child and always close to my mother. As much as I love them both,
I seldom dream of my mother although I miss her immensely as I do
my father. I say good morning to them often when I awake and tend
to have dicussions with them when I am stressed. Their spiritual
presence is particularly reassuring to me at difficult times.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My explicit wishes as how I want my death (given the choise)
to happen.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
My parents death represented a "little death" to me. Yes, my own
mortality became clearer to me. Contemplation of my death is a
subject much on my mind. I can see and accept my aging process
and will cherish my good health as long as possible. I feel I
need to focus on how to best live the rest of my life and maintain
meaningfulness. There are many mysterious to be solved in such a
short time!!!
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
This is a task that I also need to work on. Thank you so much for
reminding me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Remembering, telling my children and other family members, about
their grandparents, keeping the memory alive.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Gardening, boxing, solitude, music, strong personal strength,
family, bourbon, the ways of the old country . . . are about my dad.
Singing, cooking, holidays, nurturing, religious faith, strenth
. . . . these are about my mother.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes. A temporary relationship happened during this time and although
it did not survive, the relationship served as a catalyst to change
that had already started to happen. In itself this was a major
change to my life at the time, along with the changes that arose
from the death itself. Vulnerability.
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Close family group.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Asking if my being there is wanted. Making myself available if I
am needed.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Absolutely. The questionnare has been very helpful and immensely
valuable in putting into words the many thoughts I have had and
questions that still remain. The sand in the hour glass slowly
diminishes and time becomes more valuable. Thank you for bringing
to my attention what I need to think about, plan and put into action.
It's a big order, isn't it?
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I need to contemplate on this one. I'll come back and answer
your question.
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Wed Apr 14 16:33:11 2004
F16 in Ottawa, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i was designing a survey for my primary research for my independant
study paper for my anthropology/psychology/sociology course in grade
11...I ran out of ideas for questions and was seeking ideas from
yours, oops, don't be mad, i just realized how mean that sounds.
Im not stealing them; I'm getting ideas, I swear!
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, about 6 Years ago.
Cause of Death: unknown causes to the best of my knowledge; Aged: .
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What Helped me most deal with death? The Funeral
It just takes time; there's no real remedy except time.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
My mom cried and cried and cried, especially around Christmas and
his birthday and stuff.
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Tue Apr 13 14:12:08 2004
F44 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
elizabeth kubler ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 23 Years ago.
Cause of Death: brain cancer; Aged: 63.
--Details:
My mother refused medical care, so when the tumor grew large enough
that she could no longer care for herself, I had to go to court
and have her ordered incompetent. We found out after tests that
is was brain cancer, but it was too large to operate on. Besides,
Mom would never be back the way she was--she couldn't even talk
words by this time. So we did our best and took her home "to die"
--she lasted a bit longer than expected, and so the night before she
died we had to take her back to the hospital--knowing she didn't
want that--well she woke out of her coma and turned away from me
when I went to kiss her good night.
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--Death Is:
A transition from this world, the known, to that which is unknown.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
understood that those around me accepted it as part of life, and
accepted it,too.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The look of joy on mom's face after she was "pronounced"
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
It is part of life. It is real. It is forever.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I know there is something better out there--that this is a part of
life, not all of it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
learning about the stages of death, grief and the emotions with it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
doing it without mom
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
talk even if you think they can't hear you--because often they can
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
challenged the system at the time and tried to give her the kind
of death she wanted.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she turned away from me
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I wish people would have been happy with me that Mom was
happy--instead of telling me how sad it was to lose my mom at age 21.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
My family really worked together to bring mom home to die.
Although no one seemed to believed in it but me. We all worked
together for the first time in our lives.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just ask her about stuff again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I need to be there--I need to see her, before the funeral home.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
gratefulness for the dignity they afforded my mom. So much so,
that I went on to become a nurse.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
there wasn't hospice back then. It would have been wonderful!
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very natural
--Regarding MONEY:
it took me away from mom's bedside to fight the war for support
and insurance.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how sad everyone seemed, except me. Mom had found peace and
happiness--but no one would celebrate that.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
decreasing and irradic breathing.
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
My mother died when I was 21--and the look of joy on her face made
me realize that there is something more after here
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
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Mon Apr 12 19:58:30 2004
F57 in Fredericksburg , va =usa=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 Months ago.
Cause of Death: copd; Aged: .
--Details:
she died at home but she didn't understand that she was still at
home with 24 hour private duty nurses and a hospital bed she felt
she was in a nursing home. She became confused and no longer
recognized her family although we were there daily. the last
two months were very hard to watch her slip away.
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--Death Is:
death is leaving all those who love and knew you, it is to cease
to exist.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was just 14 and very much involved in my own budding sexuality.
Boys were a big thing and I did not pay much attention those around
me who were grieving.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the last day pf my mother's life. She was in and out of her
surroundings. I stayed longer that day unatil I had to be home
to take care of my granddaughter. My brother had only stopped by
for a few minutes that day. The nurse and I talked about what my
mother may have been feeling.. I went home the next nurse came on
for her shift, about 30 mintues later I got a phone call from my
sister-in-law to come back that the end was near, My sister-in-law
had come to check on the nurse when the nurse told her to call my
brother and me. It seems that neither my brother or myself were
present at the very moment of mom's death. When I got there my
brother and his wife were crying the nurse was crying. I walked
over to mom touched her, kiss her and gently closed her eyes.
There was a tear on the corner of her eye that I wiped away.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
If a person is terminally ill then they can not become addicted
to a pain relief drug. Death can be ugly but it doesn't have to
cause undo pain.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
hospice...and the ability to understand death does allow us to tie
up lose ends.`
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
compassionate friends network
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling alone and lost
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
talk to the dying hold their hand wipe their tears
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am learning that death is not the end just another step toward a
greater understanding of life
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the funeral director insisted that we have my mom use a service to
have make up applied. the woman hadn't worn make up for 60 years.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to spend more time with her while she was still in her right mind.
I spent five days a week, 6 hours a day for 6 yhears but now that
doesn't seem long enough
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
comfortt the nurse and help her understand some of the last few
days of mom's life, such as putting her house in order the day
befofre she died
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I wiped her last tear.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
make up on my mother's face.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
she was losing her gripe on reality
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
both of us would be physically well and enjoying long shopping
trips to the mall. something we hadn't done in ten years.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
not to be there at the moment of her death.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep for days
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
standing hold her body and feeling that it was still warm that how
could she be dead?
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
hospice is wonderful
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
graditude for being able to provide at home services, the one
person who was most important was Ruth who came on Monday to wash
mom's hair.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a promise of being together later
--Religious Affiliation:
latter day saint
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that the spirit does not cease to exsit at death
--Regarding MONEY:
her savings were being eatten up by nursing care
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my sister-in-law comment that those who came because they knew her
ie not my mother..did so out of resprct for my sister-in-law
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
my sister-in-law taking note of all the flowers and taking them home
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
be patience if you have to repeat youself a hundred times do so
with love.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
you have to accept death in your own terms
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my mother talked of two men in the room, the big honchoes that always
were there but didn't talk to her. I told her to talk to them and
when she did she said it was my father and God waiting for her.
She alsomsaid on her last day "mom is that you and she sat up and
reached forward'
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE TUNNEL WITH THE LEIGHT OF DIFFERENT COLORED
LIGHTS TWIRLING WHILE I WAS FLOATING TO THE LIGHT. I NEVER MADE
IT TO THE END AS I WAS TO TO GO BACK.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
her will and estate was not left in the state she wanted
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My mother often talked of my father being in a doorway looking at
her with his winter hat and brief case in his hand.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
not to have life support
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
she has lived a long and painful life. Being disabled since
birth she has had to cope with negative people, indifference of
insitiutions, ashamed felings of her childen for having a mom wiho
was different.
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Funeral and Rituals
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Dissociation
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
too long
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Mon Apr 12 15:48:46 2004
M25 in Tacoma, WA =USA=
Name: Jed Smith
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Math tutor, mentor. Mathematics and Antrhopology.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: accident; Aged: 15.
--Details:
Hit by a bus while crossing the street
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--Death Is:
our physical bodies stop moving, eating, breathing, etc.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wished I had been able to spend more time getting to know the person.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Most people seemed more upset about it than me.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is another part of being alive. Our bodies, along with
everything else that is "alive" will wither and die.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My views on accepting death as a part of life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My views regarding death.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't be scared. Everyone must face what you are facing. Try to
remain calm.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
put things into skillful perspective.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Other people don't see death the same way.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Speak to her one more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
deal with her death
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i felt as if she still lived on in some way
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
she was so young
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
a little surprised.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
profiteers
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I didn't go to church at that time
--Religious Affiliation:
buddhist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
everyone must face obstacles, many are the same or similar
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
puting death in perspective helps
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would not be upset. I would accept my death when it was time.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
thought process
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How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
I felt sorry I hadn't spent more time with her, but I didn't have
much reaction other than saying, "I'm sorry."
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I was just curious about the questionnaire
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Thu Apr 8 17:42:11 2004
M37 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 13 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 70's.
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Knew it was coming
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Thu Apr 8 07:52:59 2004
F52 in Burlington, Vermont =USA=
Name: Susan
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Linked to my search for the meaning of bardo
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Prof/Studies: Associal Professor in Social Work
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More personal info:
I have an overload of email to manage, so I would not want my email
address posted.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Making Friends with Death
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Judith Lief
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 6 Months ago.
Cause of Death: colon cancer; Aged: 75.
--Details:
My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer 8 years before she
died. She experienced a new metastesis every other year. Our family
had never experienced chronic or terminal illness before this,
so we took a journey on a sharp learning curve. A week before
Mom died, her oncologist told her that he wanted to refer her to
hospice because the hospice staff would be better able to assit
her with the physical pain she was in. It was only a matter of
days before she was wheel chair and then bed bound. A few days
before her passing, my middle sister began calling me desperate
about Mom's pain and suggesting that it was time for me to return
'home'. She and my parents lived in central Indiana, whereas my
youngest sister and her family had moved to Concord, MA in August,
and I have lived in Burlington, VT for twenty years.
My sister
and I flew to Indidanapolis with her four year old daughter and we
rented a car which we drove to my parents' home. We arrived early
afternoon on a Sunday.
When we entered the bedroom where my
mother was sleeping, my other sister told her we were there. Mom
opened her eyes, smiled at us the way she would if she were in the
middle of a project and we had entered the room, then she closed
them as if to return to what she was doing. We had spoken on the
phone to each twice two days before, but she never spoke again. Her
reassuring smile was the last communication I received from her,
and memory of it continues to comfort me.
For most of the next
two days and nights, one of us was with her constantly. We talked
to her, sang out of her church hymnal, laughed at our sour notes,
held her, sat in silence with her, and in every way we knew how,
accompanied her to the point where she had to go on without us.
She lived until 7 am on Tuesday. My father and my sisters and I
were with her and heard and saw her last outbreath. After she passed,
my sisters and I bathed, oiled, and dressed her. We each took turns
having time alone to sit with her until the morturer took her body
to be cremated. The two days leading up to this parting and those
that immediately followed it were beautiful, fall in full color.
The day my mother died, the sky got very grey and the wind churned
up dry leaves like dust devils. A hawk circled and circled over
the house. On the lake, a blue heron kept watch, and in the house
my mother's cat, "Wednesday" seemed to breathe in sync with her
until she was gone. This was one of the most moving experiences I
have ever shared and witnessed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A mysterious end to life as we've known it and as others have known
us. It is nearly impossible to fathom how one moment someone is
'alive' and the next they are 'dead.' Not all cultures hold this
view, though. In some traditions, "there is no life and there is no
death," while in others, death is a transition to a less physical
life of pleasure and peace or suffering, depending on how life
before death was lived. Death has a kind of finality about it for
many humans in that those who have died are no longer physically
present in the way that we knew them. Even though we have traditions
of thought that tell us, "those who have died have never, ever left"
(Sweet Honey in the Rock), and even though many of us want to believe
this, we find it hard to believe, unless we are quite integrated
into that belief system.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a teen-ager who had just lost my first mentor. I was bereft
and bewildered, but relieved that her suffering had ended. I was
also comforted by the story that was told about her choosing her
time to die.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the pregnancy of meaning with which everything was imbued,and the
poignancy of emotions and sensations accompanying the meanings. The
contradictory reactions are also memorable, closeness and the
competitiveness, the longing and the anger, the grief and the peace.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
its naturalness.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my mother's reassuring smile, the gentleness of her last outbreath,
and being able to be with her and my father and sisters at my
parents' home with no one else (e.g., professionals, strangers)
when she died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My friends, students and colleagues.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The tension and insecurity that was part of the immediate shifts
in relationships among my remaining family members and the
uncharacteristic impatience, frustration and anger I have felt
toward people I love during the six months since my mother's death.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To just "be there," without forcing an agenda or a right way to
die or let go. To ensure that the self-determination primarily of
the person who is dying and then the close family and friends is
respected, even if that means challenging the professionals who
may be involved.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am less afraid of dying from having witnessed my mother's death
than I was before.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I felt closed out of any helping roles by one of my sisters.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
when my sisters and I laughed, we were never more ourselves,
and I think Mom my have enjoyed that normalcy and lightness of
being. After all, if she could hear at all as the hospice nurse
suggest, then she had had to hear our heavier thoughts in those
last days, so I imagine the lightness was welcome.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have hugged her and laughed with her more often and to have been
more patient with her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there when it did.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't fathome where she had gone, and how she could be
untouchable.
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Tue Apr 6 23:38:35 2004
F24 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
yahoo's special interest links
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 1.5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 26.
--Details:
We all missed it- he made pleasant good-bye calls to all of those
he alienated but no-one was in touch, so no-one noticed. Yeah,
we all have heard that we are not to blame ourselves, but that's
really cortical, and deep-down, it doesn't "feel right" to repeat
that mantra.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The End All of the Be All. Everyone sees it differently, but we are
all so scared that without breath, we have no more meaning to anyone.
Some envision an AfterLife, to cope with the loss of the other,
to preserve the relevance of our own lives. Some of us see the
no-frills end, and try to forget that it's coming and enjoy what's
available to us NOW. But death is loss, and there is no loss as
deep as this.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Well, my grandparents all died, but I had no special connection to
them. I remember noticing how cold and grey my grandmother's hands
were under that cakey tan muck they smeared on her. Catholics and
there perpetually open caskets. She was rather tired in her old age
anyway, and I was maybe the twentieth of thirty-eight grandchildren,
so cold was how I experienced her. That she no longer lived was
a profound experience for many in the funeral home, but to me, it
was just... empty. I had no attachments, but I still kind of had
to feel... sombre. Not sad for myself, but certainly respectful
of those around me.
To my mother, divorced from my father when
I was young, the whole family was "his family", not "our family",
and I had such a distance from ALL of them. The old enemy lines
perhaps protected me fromt eh trauma of losing a grandparent, only to
expose me to that of losing someone MUCH closer, with whom I lived,
and whom I could not aid.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Not being able or willing to tell my son. He has seen so much
death already, and even one and a half years later, I'd be too
upset to help him cope. His very respectable father has him for
much of the week, and so long as this child's parents live,t here
is no need to expose him to more pain. Also, it would be a hell of
a thing to explain a suicide to my boy, of someone he loved almost
as dearly as his father, but who was also my son's confidant moreso
than either of us.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
There is no AfterLife, we live on, be happy for the time you've
had. What you grieve is for yourself, the person is no longer in
any sort of pain whatsoever.
Accept that grief is selfish, then
disperse of it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Death gave my ex the chance to be free of the perpetual problem
that his addictive personality posed not only to himself, but to
his family, friends, and the public at large. His mother, fatehr,
sister, and godfather all agreed that as he he saw no other way,
he did do what was in his own best interest, save serious medication
and a drug rehab program that for crack addicts has, perchance, a 20%
succes rate, and that coming with repeated offenses and relapses.
Grateful? No, nothing to be grateful for, only that HE IS OK.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
We had broken up. I mulled over whether there had been hope for him,
but he was four months out of my ilfe already and I had drastically
restructured myself and started to have a normal sleep schedule!!
I considered what ahd been best for him. I rememebered the needs
of the family, though I had little contact with them. I put him
and them first in my heart as far as grief. And in terms of my
own shock, guilt, and grief (in that order), I HAD TO PROTECT MY
SON FROM SEEING ME DISTRAUGht.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Well, if he could do that, what the hell is going to stop me when
Life is just too crazy? Oh, yeah, MY SON.
So I visited the site
twice, and I said my goodbyes (the body was cremated) and I dedicated
a song I sang to him, and never physically looked back!
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Well, that depends on if you see it coming. Well, I guess one
should be prepared just in case. If there is still a relationship
extant, make sure you do something to show appreciation. SHOW IT,
not just say "Hey, I love you".
--[My Ex-'s] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Took his side, and envisioned his perspective, and accepted almost
immediately his CHOICE. Sometimes we are so upset or appalled at
the circumstances which Life throws at us, or rather Death, that
we forget to just feel the peace that the deceased one holds.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
His best friend kept trying to deny the suicide, saying my ex-fiance
was "tripping". He reported to me that the toxicology report
came back with traces of LSD. "He was flying high and thought he
could stop the train". This came months after the friend and I
discussed the last phone calls he had made to virtually all of the
closest people within days of each other, and the death. I never
had reason to deny it, but dealing with someone else's denial was
tough, as you realize that others are having a much more difficult
time and are not as healthy as you are/purport yourself to be.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Oh, no, I'm all too familiar with the fact that neurological
excitation can overwhelm the brain and produce reactions that do
not seem apporpriate. Same thing with crying during sex.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Realize that he was not only using me for a place to stay. If I
had the terrible boyfriend Before him rather than AFTER, I would
have seen all that he did for me, and I never would have tried
to make him feel low or see my wrath. I would have seen the love
in him... or was I right and now I just want to remember him that
way? Oh, who knows?
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Stand tall, not fall over (except once at the altar with his family),
and be gracious even as his ex.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
nothing to report
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Wha life there could have been following.
Spinoza once wrote,
that while we feel it is so much sadder for a 6 year old to die
than for a man of 67 years, yet essentially they arelosing the same
thing- the present, and the potential which they possess for the
immediate future. The senscient being is timeless, in that regard.
And I have trained myself to follow philosophy rather than emotion.
Yep, this respondent is in denial.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
His birhtday rolls around and I'm late for work and I practically
bum-rush my bosses' office crying and excuse myself for the day.
When out of nowhere I turn my head in a ceratin quick motion and,
this has happened only a few times, but I swear I can see him.
Once,
I got a strange buzzing reception in my cell phone ( maybe three
weeks after his passing) and I heard a deep voice though I was on the
line with a female.
Oh, how I hoped he were trying to contact me.
How, how I wished I could see him again, know that he forgave
me(even though the subject of his telephone call was largely to
that extent). To tell him... I imagined things, for a split-second,
then I shook it and carried on as normal. If you allow yourself
to believe these visions, of that incredible centre that does not
knwo real from unreal, then you truly could go insane.
Like those
who refuse to believe that their loved ones are still missing...
that they're really gone...
But you attribute these things as fits
you, and you go from there. Thank you for letting me ramble.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Oh, GOD, no, I wouldn't be back with him anyway. I was supportive to
a point after the break-up, but I realized that I was yet another
of his addictions. I had a misdemeanor charge against him for
credit-card theft, because hi s DUI for crack alone woudl not be
charged as possesion and could not incarcerate him- the DA said that
my input might help determine his sentenceing, and all I wanted was
for him to be mandated into a structured environment where he could
clean up and wake up and stop being so - oh goodness i never thought
of this before-
delusionally optimistic and accept his problems and
take control.
Maybe he was bi-polar, maybe he was schizophrenic as
was his grandmother, I just don't know. Maybe he had just a little
too much influence in the psychotic and drug abuse areas combined...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
His life wasn't fair. His genetics, the schizophrenia and alcohol
and drug addictions in the line... the lower classes are even less
equipped to deal with trouble than those who will at least get
themselves admitted once or twice to try to rise above. to make
some sort of attempt if not a successful or even valiant one.
But
no parenting scenario or genetic background or social hierarchy or
economic condition is ideal...
No, I still think it's not fair that
people are after all, humna, and yet civilization and technological
advances have driven us so far from our natural course that we've
invented substances which grossly alter our perceptions and capacity
to thrive.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
tell my son and stop hiding. I always tell him to stay off drugs
(oh, what, when it comes up, not like one of those weird things
your parents say and you don't know why... but yes I bring it up a
little too vehemently for him not to get the ominous sense of what
I'm saying)
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Oh, well, I was just bawling my eyes out on the side f the road.
I then called my son's father to ask him to keep our son for the
night so that I could deal with it. "Protect him, protect him,
protect him from this awful pain".
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
That damned psychiatrist he was ordered to go to before trial,
whether by DMV or the court or his defense attorney or whomever-
LET HIM RUN LOOSE. DID NOT MEDICATE HIM. DID NOT INSIST ON
DRUG TESTING OR IF SO< THAT HE BEE ADMITTED. screw whether or
not it would help or hurt his case to stay out of rehab and act as
though the charges were untrue, that the evidence was planted. what
could they possibly have siad to defend him against the ttraces of
the stuff all around?
Crack demands HELP< IMMEDIATELY
medical
community, my ass.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
raised catholic, dabbled in existential lore, taoism. Don't care.
When we go, we go.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like what life is.
you don't know what you've got till its gone.
And we pay paradise to hole ourselves in with the internet.
--Regarding MONEY:
When we broke up he promised to help pay back some of the $8,000.00
he left me in when he went from bringing me 2400/mo to 500/month-
in five months flat.
well, I had already written it off.
I was just
sad that there would never be another him to be mad at for doing it.
not all of my anger diseminated, but most.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
He felt utterly alone, as he was kicked out by everybody who couldn't
stand the worry until sometimes seven am.
but there were over 400
people there, most of whm his mother recognized.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
See above, the phone call with the odd reception that I hoped very
briefly was him , trying to break through.
It was a weird satellite
cellular connection, I'm sure.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
See above, the phone call with the odd reception that I hoped very
briefly was him , trying to break through.
It was a weird satellite
cellular connection, I'm sure.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
No, I was so close to death, blue, not breathing, bleeding from
the head in several places while suspended from a seatbelt.
I HAD
NO SUCH EXPERIENCES.
maybe that part of my brain was not orietned
properly while upside down.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
Depends on the day. I think I am forgiven, for I have forgiven,
and the last conversation we had was pleasant. He wanted peace.
I want peace. Peace it is, and shall always be.
Oh, sure, i will
always have my angging doubts. But realistically, no matter what
I did, the man was not interested in geting help/
His best friend
was right; the boy had one heck of a Kryptonite Complex. As such,
there was nothing any of us could have done short of chaining him to
a cell wall and drugging him forever. And what kind of life is tht?
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Just that I understnd, I accept and respect his decision, and I'm
sorry for not seng who he was, and not seeing all of it now either.
That I'm sorry I couldn't see that his alleged acceptance of his
friend's role in my life and even his advancement of takeover
fantasies were really thinly disguised attempts to alleviate the
dissonance in his mind and remain too neutral to make a choice
between the two of us- or lose the safety net that onyl the two of
us in combination could provide from the whirlwind that he was on
in regards to his addictions.
that my son lvoed him, and only now
is starting to ask about him. It's like he knows- he says little
ot me but his father reports that my boy thinks he's seen my ex-
in the local towns... how sad.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
n/a
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Oh, hell, I don't have the gumption for all of my dreams and
my mother spoe of suicide since I was five. I don't have the
gumption to listen to whatever vestigial ruminations I've got
kicking around in here either, so I live for my boy, and I dream
for myself. And that part of me that knows not reality from fantasy
is content. And so be it. But I like the idea of grandchildren.
And I'd be proud of myslef if I stay healthy enough to be a
great-grandmother, and mentally active enough to acknowledge
my progeny. And after that? well, my son better have given my
survivors enough guidance and confidence and reassurance that I
won't be needed too much anymore, except by him, but he will ahve
hard me as I got over my own parents, and he will deal with it as
gracefully as he can, ad then it will be his time. But I think
his father has given him more oomph than I was allowed to express,
and I think he will have lived a fine life by that time, and the
family legacy will continue thus and so. And that's all she wrote.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Oh forget it.
World-renowned songwriter led the front for socially
responsible lyrical messages. While the public, and thus, the
industry, rejected the advances, the educational and mental health
professions caught on and great change was wrought for those in
at-risk categories. Students of her discipline gained insight and
attributed less of their turmoil to their own lives and more to
the social mileuax, and thus freed themselves of many psychosocial
constraints. In addition, she actually performed her own renditions
of the songs she wrote for sponsoring musicians in her last decade,
voice still strong and melodious as any inspired by the great muses.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Going to the train tracks and envisioning him down there ( I was
on the platform), in excrutiang emotion confusion, desperation, and
pain, and then waiting, and the bells would ring, and the gate would
come down, and the image of him was intersected by that oncoming
train, and peace. Silence, if not from thje train, then within.
I did that twice at the site, and after that I drew from taht
experience and gave that image to certain others as I saw fit.
The end of his pain, That was all I really needed to know.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Nope.
Confession- well, perhaps not. Lets' just say that his
best friend and I were more than that after the break-up, and
emotionally had been for over a year thoguh I kicked him out of
my life around christmas. At which point he almost died in an
accident, and I relaized I would have rahtered that that happened to
my then-fiance than him, because he was the same co-dependent soul
I was, always-good, always-supportive..
well, the death sent
us reeling into guilt- him, at least.
Me, a little shame because
many could never understand the years we spent trying to save this
man and how close that inevitably brought us...
we could never
share our grief, and maybe he was using me after all.
my fiance had
prcliamed his friend to be my lancelot, and i was the jewel to both.
i tried to disassociate from him at christmas, like i said, but
his near-death brought us all too close again... we speak here
and again, and if i truly need him whether for my car insurance or
for a reference(yes, I had this checked out by a non-mutual friend)
or to bail me out of whatever in the middle of the night... i know
he would still be there. so far. this is a year after.
really,
i loved him more. isn't that so sad?
and I was even entrusted
by the one to the other, and (psychotically optimistically) told
that i was to be left in his care should anything ever happen to
my fiance- he appointed his successor, but we thought his death
wouldbe due to one of his car races or maybe those drugs that I
didn't have any confirmation on and really didn't want to believe
were part of his life...
he did set us up- in a big way. he laid
out the plans for his best friend to be the one for me... and
later denied it.
we will never be the same. even if he was my
"soulmate". thank goodness i don't really believe in such things.
i just have to keep reminding my lower brain of that some days.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
Visited the site, envisioned him there, the train passed, and his
pain was over. I tried to believe that mine also would be.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Friends' Sensitivities
his best friend was now mine... we fell apart
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
well, i tried, but it was too complicated.
the one time i reache
dout was during a really bad snowstorm, and his aunt and uncle
would both be home because it was a thursday. they are both
morbidly overweight, and his uncle is on workers compensation for
back injuries. So I called while on my two-hour joureny home in
my thirteen-year-old mid-size front wheel drive car, to see if
they had dug themsleves out and if they needed anything.
It was
DEFINITELY what Jason would have done for them. I couldn't BE him,
but I could emulate his best side. I could show them a little of
the love that he held for them, and let it live on.
they didn't
take me up on it, they invited me for christmas, and that was the
last i ever spoke to them.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Well, I got to anonymously confess the truth and say one or two
brutally honest thigns that I can never get out when faced with
someone who knows me.
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Thu Apr 1 05:49:21 2004
F21 in Chatham, Kent =UK=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 71.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the single most horrible thing that can ever happen to a survivor
- for the deceased it can sometimes be a good thing, but for the
living it creates a gap that can not be filled.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
knew it was imminent but chose to ignore it... will think about it
when i feel like i can deal with it
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the unfairness of it all - a sense of loss and lonliness
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
no more suffering for her
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to act as strong as you can, not to be afraid to talk about it.
To prepare yourself as much as them for what is sure to happen
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
the world is a materialistic place and you just have to laugh at
the tragedy of it all
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend 17 years in her life
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i see photographs - clear evidence that she DID exist.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back five years.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
ok, this has happened, pretend it hasn't. pretend she never existed
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
respect. didn't do enough to help her psychologically though -
she was terrified and no medical professional was there
--Regarding MONEY:
not an issue
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
wanted to forget it had happened
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See Mar 04 contributions.
See Feb 04 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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