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See  Current   contributions.
See  Feb 04   contributions.
See  Jan 04   contributions.
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Wed Mar 31 21:30:40 2004
F47 in texas =usa=
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    Prof/Studies: NRCMA
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother,  Years ago.
Cause of Death: unknown;   Aged: 65.

--Details: 
     Because the persons in charge of her care did not care.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     never seeing your loved one again.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     finally came to accept it when I was old enough to understand that
sometimes theres nothing anyone can to to prevent it that it was
gods will for them.  that we will see them again in the hereafter.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     My mom begging for help and all persons involved just ignored her.
ANd out of ignorance let her die because they felt she had no
quality of life,  They judge her because of her disabilitys.

--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     To never trust anyone not judicial, medical, or anyone without seeing
the records or evidence yourself.  Because anyone can have a diffent
agenda than doing whats in the best interest of the patient,ward,
disabled etc.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     There is a heaven and God and if we dont get justice in this world
We all have to answer to our maker.  Then we will have the ultimate
justice.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Nothing.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     It was an unneccessary death.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Dont leave the loved one alone always have someone close to them
there.
 
--[My 's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     learned about legal laws, medical lies, judicial injustice, coverups,
cruelty, abuse, negligence and corruption, and down right ignorance.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     there was no laughter only anger
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     explain to the person the reason she had to die.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     not leave her alone that i was there to the very end.  and she
somehow would know I was there.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     The way my mom struggled for her last breaths.  She died with the
expression of the movie scream.   Her last words were help me
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     Shes an angel now.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I will never get over her death.  It was wrong and she was forced
to go to heaven before god was ready.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I would never send anyone to an institution of any sort to live.
I would bring them home with me and care for them myself.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     I hope to god but i Know there are lots of others dieing the way
she died.  I will do ever thing I can to stop this.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     shoot myself to stop these horriable memories.  I wish that these
persons would be held accountable.  But then I have faith they will
answer to god someday.  And God will not let them go unpunished.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     I was in shock I could not believe that it happened.  I did not
belive they would do it.  Although others knew they would.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Disbelief, anger. I have no trust in them.  I am suspicious of all
forms of medical and long term .
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     They use hospice as a legal way to rid society of our elder,
disabled anyone who doesnt fit there definition of quality of life
regardless of what the patient wants. Despite the fact the person
is not terminal.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     There are more hypocrties in the church because they need it
the most.  They pretend to be god serving but they serve noone
but themselves.  What they did proved what my loved one had been
telling me all the days of my growing up.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Babtist
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     this may have had a part in her death.  Greed
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     That these so called persons who were to maintain and protect did
nothing. Yet they attended the funeral and stared and if to rub
salt in our wounds. Knowing that they lied about everything.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     When these persons arrived at the funeral the sky got really dark
as if a storm was brewing.  The wind picked up and you could hear
a womans voice in the breeze.  And as quick as it came as soon as
these persons left the storm left.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     The doctors refused to speak with family members because the judical
system illigally placed a county guardian to make decisions  for
our loved one.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     I have an emptiness in my heart that will never be filled. I cannot
forgive the persons involved with the death.  I know God says to
forgive but I will never forget who was taken from me against there
wishes and ours.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     I had hemmorraged after childbirth.  I had lost alot of blood during
my unconsciousness I seemed to be floating upwards over my body.
I could hear the nurse yelling to someone to get a doctor any
doctor. I was looking down and my body and floating further away
higher and higher.  I remembered I had just had a baby and had 3 more
children and all the sudden I did not want to leave therm behind
to be cared for by others I started praying to god to let me live
at least until my children were able to take care of themselves.
All the sudden I felt as if I was jerked back into my body.  I felt
very intense pain as the doctor was trying to stop the bleeding. God
had answered my prayer.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     My state with this person is that I believe she knows I tried
everything I could to help her she knows that I am still fighting
for her to be at peace and to help others to stop this.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     Its not what I would want to hear from her.  But I wish she could
have been able to hear or see me or both. You see she was blind
and deaf.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Whenever I feel like I cant keep fighting the system My loved one
comes and visits me in a dream and reminds me that although it
wont bring her back.  The public needs to know what the truth is.
The truth will set you free.  The public needs to know so this will
stop happening to others.  the only way she will be at peace is
for me to do everything humanly possiable to stop these atrocities.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I dont beleive in advance directives this is just a trick to justify
withdrawing of life support.  I beleive if God ia ready for you
he will take you no matter what medical interventions there are
no one needs to speed your death up. DNR is just another way to
end someones death before  God.  If God wants you you will go no
matter what man does for you.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     If I knew I was to die soon I pray that noone but my family makes
decisions for me.  I would rather my family make mistakes in my
care than strangers because at least I know they care and are doing
there best for me although it might not be the best.  I know what
ever they decide will be out of love and not ignorance and fear. Or
juding me based on what they beleive to be quality of life.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     I never gave up.  I was a fighter till the end. I dont let people
run over me and force there valuse and believes on me.  I never
turned my head to ignor the truth.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I have become closer to my sister but distant from my brothers who
never believed what we were telling them.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Nothing at all 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Nothing at all 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     The more I reach out to the public to enlighten them the more
stress I am under.  This will not stop me.  I will die trying.
This is my calling.  God has given me this mountaing to climb and
i will do my best to climb it.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     I wouldnt it was helpful or not.  But maybe it will help others
to wise up to our judicial system and medical community.  Everyone
always look at your medical records and those of your loved ones,
parents children etc.  Get them to sign a release to always allow
for you to be able to review them   Because they dont tell you the
whole truth.

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Sat Mar 27 04:16:36 2004
M31 in Phoenix, Arizona =The United States of America=
Name: Paul
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  I typed, "How to deal with death" on the, "Ask Jeeves" finder.

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    Prof/Studies: artist
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother,  Years ago.
Cause of Death: Natural causes;   Aged: .

--Details: 
     My grandmother has not yet passed, but today I visited her for what
will most likely be the last time at the nursing home where she
currently resides.  I held her hand as she spoke to my mother and I
about how she was aware that her time was coming soon.  She assured
my mother that she was ready to go, and before leaving the room, my
mom kissed her forehead and told her that she loved her.  Before I
left, I showed her the ring that I had inherited from my grandfather
(her husband) when he passed.  I assured her that I would uphold
the tradition of the ring being passed on to the oldest male in my
family when I died, and she smiled.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The end of our physical existence so that our "selves" or spirit
can continue to exist in eternity with the souls of those who have
previously inhabited this planet.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     Spent time recalling all that that person had done with their
time here on Earth, and how it had influenced me.  I also spent
time considering how final death is, and how amazing it is that one
moment a person can respond to things and the next moment they are
like an empty container, no longer a person.  It also made me realize
how many personalities currently exist, and how infinite life is.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My grandfather passed when he was 80 years old, as a result of some
	form of cancer.  It was difficult for me because as a result of his
	being a very skilled woodworker, he may have provided inspiration
	for my having become creative as a child, and eventually obtaining a
	bachelor's degree in fine arts at Arizona State University in 2001.
	In 1989, I was mentally disabled after being a passenger in a car
	wreck.  My grandfather had a physical disability, yet was still
	able to continue to produce incredible pieces of furniture from
	his workshop.  Keeping this in mind helped me to resist giving up
	after my injury.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     How some people fail to realize how short thier thier own lives are.

--What I think my (The United States of America) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     That many people don't seem to appreciate the time they have here,
and how once death comes, there is no way to reverse it.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     The fact that God granted me a second chance and allowed me to
recover from the coma I was in, and seeing someone lying in a bed,
preparing to die, may have been a message from God to remind me
that someday I will be in the same situation.  Currently, I am
struggling with my disability and how it has forced me to have to
overcome very difficult obstacles.  This may have been God's way
of showing me that I need to stop conducting my life as though the
next day will come forever, and that I need to take a look at the
way I'm currently handling my own time here.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Appreciating all that my grandfather had done with his life,
and being very grateful for the daughter he and my grandmother
had raised, and how blessed I am to have the mother and father
I have.  Also knowing that he had accepted Christ before he died,
and therefore I will see him again when I arrive in heaven.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Realizing that he is no longer here.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     That one's knowledge that they are not alone when they die is without
a doubt the most relaxing experience they will ever have.  Just to
know that someone honestly cares about them is an incredible feeling.
 
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     My grandmother told my mother that she was ready to die.  Sure,
I understand the fact that living with the physical difficulties
one has with old age must be hard, but hearing one say that they're
ready to die is never easy to hear.

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Ask my grandfather about all the personal stuff that went on during
his time.  I doubt I would have asked him about that stuff even now,
but it's still a curiosity.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     Hold my grandmother's hand as I sat there next to her bed.  And I'm
thankful that I was able to assure her that my grandfather's ring
was safe with me.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I think about how burdened I am with the disability that someone
else's actions caused.

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     would never be able to speak with that person ever again here
on Earth, and due to the memory problems that my disability has
caused, I would soon forget exactly what their voice sounded like.
Until I arrive in heaven, I will never be able to speak them and
ask all the questions I had been meaning to ask.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     Great wonder and admiration.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     That I had someone to speak with about death who would be sensitive
and assuring.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     Christian
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     It truly revealed who was truly honest when they expressed their
affection.
 
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     My grandmother's acceptance of her mortality.

--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     Some people who have recovered from comas say that they saw the gates
of Heaven.  I never experienced this, and I believe it was because
God knew I was going to recover from my coma.  Since my recovery,
I have even dreamt about being at the gates of Heaven and being
told that I wasn't on the list, and still had things to do back
in mortality.  I recall being told through an intercom device in
the dream that since I  didn't have the combination for the gate,
I had to go back and wake up.
 
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     In the dream I described in the previous question, my grandfather
was there, and assured me that the woodworking tools in Heaven were
like nothing he'd ever seen before.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I was able to express my feelings of love and admiration for my
grandfather through a speech that I had written.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Thoughts of the Afterlife 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Family's Sensitivities 
     Some relatives of mine seemed obsessed with his inheritance rather
than the fact that their own father had just passed away.
 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     This has really helped me to accept my grandmother's approaching
demise, and I want to thank you for providing such a long list
of questions.  I was able to do this for free, where I would have
had to pay a therapist more than $100.00 to examine the feelings
I'm having about my thoughts.

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Fri Mar 26 11:12:09 2004
F43 in Norwalk, Iowa =USA=
Email: <brandow1947-at-Yahoo.com>
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
  surfing for info

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    Prof/Studies: Library Assistant
 
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Elizabeth Kubler-Ross !
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother,  Years ago.
Cause of Death: ovarian,liver and brain cancer;   Aged: 64.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the shutting down of the physical body and the transition to the
spiritual self.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was 7 years old and I have continued to have some one die in my
life aprox.every 2 years.when i was born i had all grandparents
great grand parents and great grandparents i am 40 now and  have
3 grand parents.We are in the end stages with my mother who has
Ovarian,Liver and Brain cancer.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     the fact of dying is not the end.Not to be fearful of death.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the remembering after the service.that is the best because it
reinforces the good and helos blend out the pain of grief.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     Long Brisks Walks with no destination in mind. Music that transports
the mid to think about something else even if for a 4 minute
interval.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Thinking of something and in my mind wanting to call and talk to
that person, for a nano-second forgetting that they have died.
  

       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Books & Films 
     Faith that there is something else! Something besides the body that
is on earth.

     the emotional garbage that others heap on to a person while they
are going thruough thier own processes of the loss.
 
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Thu Mar 25 10:40:18 2004
F23 in Miramichi, NB =Canada=
Name: Crystal
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  dogpile.com

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    Prof/Studies: BA major Sociology
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 8 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Accident;   Aged: 16.

--Details: 
     He was laid on a highway after a party and a truck ran over him.
We still wonder if it was a suicide or just a drunken accident.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The transition between one world and the unknown realm.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was confused.  I didn't really know what death was.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My great grandfather.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     sorrow.  He was so young at the age of 16 that we just could
understand why it had happened.  Apon hearing the possibility of
suicide...we were caught up in thoughts of disbelief.

--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     The process of death.  We need to  better understand how death takes
place and how to better cope with one of lifes natural occurances.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the way it brought a bunch or people in high school that would have
normally never spoken together.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     The most support to me while dealing with death was the guidence
counsillors at school and the program they had where any of the
students could get together to speak.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     being alone.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     listen to them and help them finish their afghan rug (metephor for
getting all their accomplishments done).
 
--[My Ex-'s] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     developped a part of my character in dealing with death.  It made
me strong enough to not worry about things that don't really matter.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I just couldn't understand the thought of life after death.  I do
not have a clear view on what comes after the transition period.
I still have many questions on the bible and it's teachings.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I laugh when my nerves get to me.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     meet his family before he had passed.I laugh

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     meet his mother at the funeral.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     cut the clippings from the Newspaper and thought of it as the
attention he was longing for.
 
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     Not much would differ in the way that I live today except that I
would not be who I am.  I would not have experienced the trama at
that age and I would not be equipped to deal with death in the same
way that I do today.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that we are not allowed to finish everything we want to finish
before we die.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     Well...it used to be difficult and I wanted to run away.  But now,
it's an experience.  I cherish the memories that I have and regret
very little.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     had no idea where he would go.  Was there really an afterlife?
I wanted him to be safe and I wasn't sure what was available to
him had it been a suicide.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     disappointment.  Often the medical community makes terrible mistakes
that hindered them from saving a life.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     Well...I feel that organized religion is not as important is self
spirituality.  Yes church gives us a universal (among specific
religions)thought on the afterlife but you have to be a spiritual
person to make your own conclusions.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     currently searching but I am baptised Catholic.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     There seems to be a price tag on everything.  Funerals and rituals
which are so important in dealing with death from a sociological
standpoint cost a small fortune.  At the time of death people are
often not prepared for the cost and that can leave one dealing with
death a lot longer then they should have to through mode of debt.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     The amount of young people there to mourn.  It was almost surreal
to see that many young faces at a place normally used to serving
older clientel.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     Seeing him...as he was in the casket.

--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I feel we have completly resolved any issues we might have had.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would just like to know in the case of Cory to whether it was
suicide or accidental.  I really need to know if he took his own
life so I can understand what was happening in his head.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     One month exactly to the day of Corys death myself and another girl
from school who knew him were in the bathroom.  At the same moment
we both looked at each other and I knew she had felt the same thing.
It was as if we had a feeling in which we knew he was there.  He came
to us in a sense of feeling.  We could not see him but he was felt.
We both started crying and I have to admit today it was the most
amazing experience of my life.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I feel that the rights and wishes of the dead should ALWAYS be
honored.  My boyfriend's father recently died and he wanted all
assets to go to his children.  He had a common law partner and even
though his will said for everything to go to his flesh and blood
they went to his common law spouse.  
 The main thing I would be
concerned about if I died in the near future is the care of my cats.
I would NOT want them to end up at a shelter or worse so I feel that
that is the MAIN right and wish I would want.  I would want that my
cats stay with someone in my family that would vow to care for them.
That is definetly something I should look into.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     Well...up until these last few months I pretended I was never going
to die.  I didn't think about my own death and I didn't really
care to.  Now however, through a Sociology course called Death
and Dying I have been forced to explore different aspects of death
and the underlying issues.  This has helped me to put a handle on
death and be more understanding to the natural process of life.
This has helped me come to terms with the thought that someday
(although hopefully not soon) I am going to die and the harsh
reality the death skips no one.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     to cope...I write.  I've kept a journal since I was in the 8th grade
and I always keep them in a box.  Whenever I have something I need
to deal with I go back and read the journal to see how I dealt with
stuff back then.  Sometimes I still go back and read entries from
the time of Corys death.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I believe that at the time of his death a lot of things changed.
Social barriers seemed to have been broken down and we all got
along on different levels.  Instead of being classed socially and
not able to hang out with those in other classes we were able to all
bond together in this tough time.  Unfortunatly with the returning
barriers of high school we did not get to keep these friendships
for too long.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    The Funeral 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Nothing at all 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Mar 24 07:35:01 2004
F18 in Great Neck, New York =United States=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  Looking on the Ixquick Search Engine Site

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    Prof/Studies: Student
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Rare type of back cancer;   Aged: 50 years.

--Details: 
     my mom's best friend complained about her back being hurt for at
least two months prior to her being admitted into the hospital. My
mom would make her dinner almost everyday and visit her when she
could. Then on Mother's Day, she was admitted to the ICU at the
hospital. She stayed there one month before she died. We got the
call that she died at five in the moring from her husband. My mom
told my sister and me when we were getting ready for school. We
both broke down in tears. I went to the funeral. My sister didn't
because she was too young to experience something this tragic.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end of life as we know it. It is moving on to a better and
happier place.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried a lot.

--That first time, how it happened was
     It was my mom's best friend. She was in the hospital with a rare type
	of back cancer. My mother went to see her each and everyday. She
	wanted my sister and I to come and visit her, but my mom said it
	would be too scary for us to see.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     The love and support of evryone around me.

--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     how to move on. We focus too much on the past and don't think about
the future.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     The impact that my mom's friend had on everybody she came into
contact with.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     writing about it a few years later.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     watching my mom cry her eyes out. I couldn't bare to see her in
such pain.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     The love and support I would give this person knowing that they
are going to die.
 
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Delt with it in the coming years.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     everybody came back to my house for the griefing time.

--Religious Affiliation:
     Judiasim
 

       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    The Funeral 
     Talking about it and writing an essay based on how I felt after
she died.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Passage of Time 
     It was unexpected.
 
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Sun Mar 21 02:59:03 2004
F50 in Victoria, = ?? =
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 26 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 28.

--Details: 
     We were common-law spouses, with a two year history.  I was 23
at the time; When I was 19; my brother had died in a bicycle
accident; When I was 20, my father died in a boating accident.
All three of these deaths have had a significant impact on my life
and thinking.  When Marcelo became ill and died, when I was 23, I
really began to feel as if I couldn't depend on being alive myself,
in some way.  I had to find a spiritual belief that would endur,
because obviously, the people around me weren't.  I also wondered
if I was the "spider woman"...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     The cessation of breath. A pause between being "here" and being
"there".

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was fifteen and rather frightened.  I think more of the physical
changes that my grandfather endured as the disease progressed,
rather than with the death itself.  Although I couldn't imagine then
(and I have to admit,still) that I (or anyone else) could not have
the awareness, or sense of self (Conciousness)that I presently have.
How could I still be "me" after death?

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     With my Grandfather when I was 15:  That people were very sad;
that it was with resignation that death was a friend not a foe,
in as much as I believe that it took away the pain my grandfather
had experienced and that my grandmother was a fragile person
 
 The
death of my brother left me numb; but also, curiously, with a relief
that I was still alive--at the time, I felt that it was a "bad" way
to feel--now I recognize my relief at being alive as a healthy sign
and possibly a normal one.
 The death of dad, coming within 18 months
of my brother's accident was a numbing experience, which lead to
disassociation with my feelings and memories of childhood.  It was a
little too much, I think.  I remember feeling as if there was a great
black deep hole over my left shoulder just waiting to swallow me up,
so I wouldn't go there.  However, I had dreams of finding body parts
in drawers--like fingers in my lingerie--I guess, looking back on
it, that was the disassociation coming through in my dream-state.
I also had dreams of talking with my brother across the kitchen
table and my father, at the end of a yellow hallway that had a huge
window at both ends, of just everyday things, but when I woke up,
I felt as those I had experienced a nightmare.
 Three years later,
the death of husband was a very different experience.  Because his
death was a process, rather than sudden, I believe I had a chance
to participate in a meaningful way and help him as well as me come
to terms with the end of his life.  I also began to really formulate
my belief system and get a handle on the possiblities and permenance
of love and being.  It was a bittersweet time, whose lessons I have
tried to use when comforting other people who are grieving.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     it needs to be acknowledged in a positive, loving way, instead of
subjected to horrific, violent images and despair.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     the appreciation I have for the spiritual strengths of people;
the beauty of this earth and the pervasiveness of "love"

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     learning to surrender to acceptance and remember my life in context
with my brother's and father's.  Formulating my own belief system.
The support of my friend, Debbie who let me talk or cry or rant or
laugh hysterically.  My maternal grandparents who did the same and
bought me a car because they were so upset they didn't know what
else to do....it was a message to get on with life and drive into
the future, I think.  My mom, who wouldn't let me buy a cemetary
plot beside Marcelo because I was only 23 and who told me that
she was devastated for me and didn't know what to do to help,
even though she was still "lost" and coping with deaths of her
son and husband....When I got home from the hospital when Marcelo
was dying I had to verbally and consciously tell God that I was
leaving Marcelo in his hands to look after, because I couldn't
do anymore to look after Marcelo that day.....I was too tired.
It was the only way I could let go and sleep.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     Having experienced the loss of significant male members of my family
within five years, I really didn't know how to go on; I felt confused
and yet at the same time, I was determined to have a "normal" life,
with a job, a husband and a family, which I carried out within two
years of Marcelo's death.  I married within the year; and within
nine months, gave birth to my son.  Just as a note,  I was confused
during the first years of marriage, sometimes it seemed as if my
new husband was Marcelo.  I didn't discuss this with him however.
Twenty-fives years later, however, I am very sure who my partner is.
My second husband and I divorced two years ago.  Now, we are great
friends and support to one another and have a greater respect for
the new type of relationship we are building together.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Be there.  Be quiet. Be noisy.  But be there.  The first fifteen
minutes are the hardest--but stay with it and find the peace
of being there.  Don't try to block out the "living noises" of
hospital halls or radios.  My maternal grandfather is 102 years old
and will die within the next few days.  His body is shutting down
bit by bit and he is gradually pulling away spiritually, as well.
The other thing I would say is to "remember out loud" (ie: share
and talk about memories; particularly times when the dying person
supported you or tickled your funny bone) and be reassuring that
all things are happening the way they should (regardless of how
you feel--objectively, people who have been seriously injured,
or who are 102 or who are nearing the end of a disease process are
proceeding the way they should--these bodies are built to last --
but have an expiry date!) and that things will be OK. (I got through
Marcelo's final days by acknowledging that things were not "alright"
but they were "ok").
 
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     found a spirituality; learned to surrender to the inevitable and
co-operate with things beyond my control.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     not getting an explanation of why these deaths were a part of my
life--and the deaths of my brother, Dad and husband were "untimely"
in that my brother was 15; my Dad 42 and my husband, 28.  That there
was no magic formula or guarantee that I would never go through
these feelings of grief and loss again--as a matter of fact, it
is guaranteed that I will indeed have to endure these feelings
again......

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     the dying process, whether from disease or from old age, is the same
as a living process, there are moments of high drama, great despair,
quietness, calmness and laughter.  One is very much more aware of
the fleetingness of them.  Death teaches us to live in the moment
with appreciation.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     Not argue with my brother the evening before.
 My Dad and I had a
phone conversation (I was at university) the day before he died, and,
rather uncharacteristically, he told me that he loved me before he
hung up.  We were an incredibly stoic family in those days--no "I
love you's" as a rule.  So nothing I could want to change there.

 I have no regrets with Marcelo. During his process, we danced
until he was completely bed-ridden, we joked, and I brought him home
(against my fear) the week before he died, because he so wanted to
come home.  He managed about half a day at home and then he asked
to go back to the hospital.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     be there with Marcelo.  Survive all three deaths.  Maybe not
well, maybe with a lot of fears, but I did survive and I have
resolution. Be in a bubble of "grace".
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     ah, that's something I can't answer--it was all important and a
tremendous learning process...I want to say "Cherry Cheesecake".
I had that every night on the way home from the hospital--it was a
sweetness and a reward and a coming back to the work-a-day world,
I guess.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     When Marcelo was admitted to hospital that final time, my boss had a
coniption when I requested a leave of absence and was very reluctant
about agreeing to it.  I really didn't care.  (I'm a little angry
now, though, when I think back on it.  I hope that her life is
well-supported during her times of grief.  She will need much more
support as she comes to know what compassion is, first hand.)

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I am driving home down the winding road full of trees and farms
and lakes and I think it would be nice to have a brother closer
to my own age.  And I wonder what it would be like to share my
children with him and be an aunt to his.  I am older than my Dad,
and yet, I feel like a child.  I remember thinking how wise he was
and he was 42.  I wonder if he felt as confused as I do sometimes.
Sometimes I just wonder how I got through that time with Marcelo.
And sometimes, I feel sorry for that teenager that had to come to
terms with so much in such a few short years and I cry for her, too.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I think I covered that in a previous question.  Quite frankly,
I can't really imagine a life with Marcelo, now, because I have my
children and I can't trade those children for a "what if" because
of the joy they give me...

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that I lost three guys in five years, when they were so young and
I was, too.  Life is supposed to be fun and exiting and full of
promise when one is in their 20s.  Not trying to cope with getting
up in the morning and dealing with grief and loss.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     I think I'm beyond that now, as far as the deaths go.  Sometimes,
my response to my life circumstances in terms of divorce, health
problems, and poor finances really get me down and I feel like I
am spinning my wheels in the sand, but then I go to the beach and,
believe it or not, remember those times, and that I survived those
and that I will survive these as well. I remember the lessons
learned there, that who we are is not what we are.  We are not
bodies or purchasers or doers.  We are beings.....
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     I believe I spoke about how I felt when my Brother and Dad died.
About being thankful to be alive, and numbed down.
 
 Ah, I was so
angry when Marcelo died.  I almost had an out of body experience
myself.  It seemed as though my consciousness went up into the corner
of the room for a minute.  When a well-meaning physician suggested
I might want a tranquilizer at this time, I realized that no,
I didn't want to be numbed down, given the other two significant
deaths I had come through earlier, I had a right to be angry and
to have that anger acknowleged.  As soon as I had that clarity,
I no longer felt angry.  I then felt sad and resigned and wanting
to move on to re-build my life.  It was an intense fifteen minutes,
when I felt so angry.  No, I didn't break and smash things.  I just
said how I felt, rather quietly, I think, when she asked me how I
was doing.  I think it may have un-nerved her.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     they are compassionate; reassuring; helpful; human beings who cry,
too; most of them embody a spiritual strength with their medical
knowledge.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     see above
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     a ritual to follow for closure, when people are shocked and
numb... it allows community to come together to acknowlege a loss
and assist each other and affirm life.  Religion may also lead to
a spiritual belief system of comfort for both dying and those left
at the altar, so to speak.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     United Church of Canda, Roman Catholic and New Age.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     True.  And kind of exciting, don't you think?
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     we did with what we had.  I don't know that it was significant.
Perhaps we are more fortunate than most.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     It was needed for closure for the sake of the living (obviously).

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     I realized that I and Marcelo and now, my grandfather and my family,
are in a period of grace that seems to put us out of "ordinary time".
It's almost a feeling of timelessness, even though time is very much
present, here. Will Grampa live through the night?  Maybe we are
all part of Grampa's spiritual withdrawing and we are catching that
sense of "timelessness" from him--in that he will indeed be beyond
"time" shortly.  And maybe that's the point.  That we are all,
indeed, timeless and eternal and now all at once.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     recognizing the physical signs of impending death--ie: the loss
of appetite;the shutting down of the physical body and it fast
deterioration; the seeming withdrawal from daily life; the turn
of consciousness inward--the most interesting thing to me (and
perhaps, the most comforting) is that there is a similarity in
the drawing inwards (ie: withdrawal from most external stimuli)
a person experiences as death grows near, and the drawing inwards
that a mother who is giving birth, experiences.  It's as if all
conscienceness becomes coalesced into the core because another
"being" is coming into play.  (And I do mean "play" literally and
figuratively, in both cases.)

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     being vulnerable to the "joy within the sorrow" is the best learning
experience; and being open to allow others to comfort you and
taking that comfort and being comforted by it, is the greatest gift.
To let that grieving process sort of wash up and around you and to
surrender to it, will ultimately result in resolution and comfort.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     At the moment of his death, Marcelo had such an expression
of pleased surprise in his body language and in his eyes.
My grandfather believes that when you die "that's it" there is
nothing.  I believe that he, too, will be pleasantly surprised.
I feel/see my grandfather's old cat, who died nearly eighty years
ago, very strongly in that room.  I never met her--the old cat, I
mean.  And it's strange, because he's had other dogs that I have met.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     Ah, the grandfather.  I feel that I am resolved and he is resolved.
We are just waiting together and being there, or here.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I think I've sort of answered that.  But, earlier on, when I was
lonely or sad, I did go to the cemetary and have a talk with one
or all of the guys.  And I did feel better.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Yes, well, after Marcelo died, my friend and I decided to take a
week off to go the lake.  To the summer house my grandfather (who
is dying) built.  She had the pink room; I had the yellow room.
As I was just about asleep one evening, the room lit up and I heard
Marcelo say "thankyou".  My friend did not notice anything, but
the hairs on her arms stood up the next morning as I told her of my
experience.
 
 The summer after my brother died, I was in our house
alone about ten pm and all the crystal (and as this was a Victorian
home my mother had decorated in antiques, you had better believe
that there was oodles of crystal) pinged.  Twice.  And then the
lights flickered on and off. He was always such a tease! I don't
think he was teasing though.  He was just wanting to be known.

 My mother reports that shortly after my grandmother's death, (I
mean months later, but not years) my mother answered the phone to
hear my Grandmother asking her if "everything was alright" and then
the line went dead.
 
 My son, who was very young (about 18 months
old) when she died, reports that when he was about 10 years old,
my grandmother came to visit him early one morning and sat on his
bed and chatted with him.  We were not in a house that had anything
to do with her during her life.  It was very pleasant, he said.
 
 

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     Well, things were pretty bad for Marcelo at the end.  I was
afraid that I would be asked one of the two $25,000 questions--the
first being:  "Am I going to get well?"  He was in denial, which
kept him alive for a lot longer than anticipated, and the second,
which was "will you help me die, ie: euthenasia."  I did get asked
the first question.  Thankfully, I never was asked the second.
I finally did have an answer for the second question, in my own
mind, though.  And it gave me strength to hold my darling dog
Nina and give her over to death, in the Vet's office, when she
sustained such horrible injuries after being hit by a car.  I am
not an advocate of euthenasia as a panacea for all ills, though.
I have enough strength, from forming my decision to the "second
question" that I can consent to removing life support, if I felt
it in the best interests of my loved one and was his/her wish.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     Oh yes....it will be very sad to leave the sun and the garden and
my children.  It is very sad to think about that.  I think I am
more afraid of pain than I am of dying.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     I'd like to be remembered as a philosopher who empowered others.
I'd like to be remembered as a person who was tolerant, yet firm in
her own beliefs about compassion and the value of life.  I'd like
to be remembered as an explorer of the spirit with a sense of humour
and an insatiable curiosity.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I learned this one while attending a native ceremony for a young
man who was a friend of my son's.  We were directed to say a prayer
everytime we felt like crying for the boy.  The prayer would release
the boy's soul and the tears would tether it.  I found that the
prayer offered instant solace.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    I still sometimes have to verbally give the day over to
God/Goddess/All That Is, to look after so I can sleep. I have to
remember that at the bottom of hole over my left shoulder was a blind
faith that the Universe was on my side and that I would get through
this one way or another.  I do pray --to whoever is listening.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     h'mmmmmm--yes, of course, new intimacies.  I'm not sure that I've
kept any of them up, perhaps, because I was very young at the time
and moved on.  But, as I am a very open-ended person, when those
people drop back into my life again, the thread will be taken up
where it was dropped off.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Dissociation 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I am "just there" for people who need to talk about their grief.
I listen and share my experience, if it is appropriate.  I find
that people seem to find me....


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     Yes, thankyou.  It's centered me for the imminent death of my
grandfather and re-confirmed my committment to him and my family
at this time.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     Not at this time.
   
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Sat Mar 20 19:33:30 2004
F60 in Oakland, california =USA=
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
  link on Macha NightMare's website

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    Prof/Studies: journalist
 
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 15 Years ago.
Cause of Death: fall while mountain-climbing;   Aged: 23.

--Details: 
     he was on a winter hike, took a shortcut across a steep snow field,
started slipping and was unable to self-arrest. he slipped off the
edge of a cliff into a huge amount of snow and died, either from
head injuries or suffocation.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     What a chicken looks like after his head is cut off. There is
a lack of animation and a transformation from live chickenhood
into something else. In the case of the chicken, that's called
"dinner." In other cases, it's just a dead body.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     remember my father crying and crying, when his brother died, "it
should have been me." this was the first time I ever saw survivor
guilt and it was much more scary to me than my uncle's actual death.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My  maternal grandparents died within two months of each other.
	We kids went to the rosary at the funeral home and to the
	funeral. These were the first deaths in our family in my generation.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     having a dead child is like having a missing tooth in one's mouth. No
matter what else is going on, that gap is always felt.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     That there is no sitting-in-Jesus' lap up in heaven. This is the
"consolation" that was offered to me over and over again by my
Catholic family when my son was killed. And all I wanted to do is
scream, "well then, fuck God because I want my son here, in my lap,
not up in some bullshit heaven in his."

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     my garden. I did the most wonderful gardening of my life after my
son died.  I so desperatly needed to put seeds into the dark earth
and bring something to life rather than focus on the loss and death.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     very little, actually. There is nothing quite so isolating as
being the parent of a child who dies. People don't want you to
talk about the dead child for fear you'll be more upset. But,
finally, I realized the real reason they wanted my silence was
that whenever I talked about my dead son, it reminded them of the
potential vulnerability of their own children. 
 
 I tried to go
to a bereaved-parents' support group but it was a disaster.  I had
so much else going on--a husand in middle-stage AIDS, a teenaged
stepdaughter who was doing serious acting out, and a financial
system that causes us to hit bottom because of the dementia-related
financial grandiosity of my husband--that I could not talk to anyone
in the group.  And they all said to me "your problems are too big
for this group."
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     That my son will never ever come back. That the DNA I shot into the
future with such hope has been extinguished. That I will never see
my son in the fullness of his adult life, or see him with a family
and children of his own.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     listening, even if the dying person appears not to be saying
anything.  You need to leave some space of peace, and silence in
which you can be heart-to-heart with the dying person.
 
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     you don't have to do it the funeral director's way. That you can keep
those blood-sucking leeches out of your life.  That you can make
funeral one of the most authentic rituals of your life, and honor
your beloved dead powerfully if you don't accept the morticians'
catered funeralsl

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     My children from my first marriage refused to have anything to do
with me again after my husband died. Their shame and bitterness
that their mother married someone who would get and die of AIDS
has caused a total alientation

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     It made perfect sense. My husband had died in the AIDS unit at
Davies Medical Center in San Francisco. Our teenaged daughter was
with us, and, as she always did, she brought along a phalanx of her
friends. The mother of one of her friends came along, too, and asked
if there was anything she could do. This was about an hour before my
husband died. i said yes, please get these kids something to eat.

 
 We sat there over the next hour through my husband's final
minutes of life. Finally I felt the last flutter of his pulse under
my fingertips and then, it was over.  We summoned the nurse, who
then had to sent for the house officer to "pronounce" my husband.
We were all sitting there in silence, me weeping, and holding
my dead husband's hand. The kids were all weeping, too.
 
 Then,
all of a suddent, the nurse stuck her head in the door and said
"Pizza's here." It seemed so funny at the time, and none of us
could stop laughing.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     not necessarily see my son's body, but to sit vigil in a room where
his body was contained. to have a last silent communication with him.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     make the funeral ours, not the funeral director's. When my husband
died, I had him cremated, and put his ashes into an urn I bought
from the discount-casket store for $19,95. Then we held him an
outdoor Viking funeral in Berkeley, California's Tilden Park.
I don't know how I got the idea how to invent this ritual, but
somewhere something--probably the ancestors--gave me the clues for
the readings, the passing of the talking stick, the building of a
stone viking ship, the pouring out of his ashes on ground already
made sacred with herbs, garlic, wildflowers and a whole bottle of
his favorite Irish whisky.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     I saw two dark spots developin on either side of my husband's
corneas. I knew then, that death was very near. No one else but me
noticed it, though.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     my husband had no dying pronouncements, no last goodbyes.  He had
had such severe dementia for the last few months of his life that he
could no longer make any sense, and then, finally lost his ability
to speak.  But I knew he was still there.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     it's St. PAtrick's Day, and I look at my volume of the poetry of
William Butler Yeats and think of my tall, slender silver-haired
Irishman sitting at the table, reading "The Lake Isle of Innisfree"
for all of us every March 17.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     Sometimes I think of my son and the fact that now he'd be
almost 40. He'd have a family and I'd be grandmother to his own
flaxen-haired little boys and girls. And the world would be a better
place for his gentleness and compassion.
 
 And if my husband hadn't
died of AIDS, I would have a companion for my older years. I'd
still have someone to hike with me in Tilden PArk every Saturday
and Sunday, and to sit with me on the back steps every Saturday in
opera seasin, eating quesadillas and listening to the Metropolitan
Opera broadcasts. 
 
 And I'd not be alone in my widow's bead,
untouched, unrememberd.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that a son died before his mother. it is not natural to bury one's
child. It is such a violation of the natural order.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     crawl into the emotional equivalent of a down-filled mummy-style
sleeping bag, go to sleep and not wake up until it was full spring
again.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     could not have this happen. I was pasting tiles on the floor of the
kitchen when I got the phone call telling me of my son's death. I
dropped the phone and could only scream "no no no no no no no
no no no" with a voice that I know came from somewhere below my
belly button.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     deep gratitude. Without the teaching skills of the nurse
practitioners, I could never ever have given my husband the care
I did.  And when I had to make incredibly difficult decisions
about morphine levels and witholding hydration, they walked every
step of the way with me, and counseled me through these incredibly
hard choices.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     relief and gratitude. I only wish that some component of the whole
process would have mandated some measure of emotional support for
me as caregiver for I felt I was asked to do very hard and complex
stuff--dressing changes, blood-sugar monitoring, IV line-flushing
and heparinizing--that made me scared and sometimes exhausted. And
if only someone could have come to help me fold the laundry, whipe
the shit off the walls--my husband fingerpainted with his feces--or
to cook me a meal once in a while, I wouldn't have felt so alone
and so scared.
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     absolutely zero. When my son was killed and everyone talked about how
he was in heaven with Jesus, I wanted to throw up on them. 
 
 When
my husband died, we handled this ourselves in what, in retrospect,
was probably a neo-Pagan fashion.  There was no available clergy.

 Also, I think it was really hard when my husband died because
the usual clergy--both from traditional religin and from the PAgan
tradition--were so focused on the gay people who died of AIDS. They
gave me a clear message that we enjoyed too much heterosexual
privilege to be worthy of their assistance. So I felt so alone!!!!
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     I am a cradle Catholic, product of 16 years of Catholic education
and many years committed service to the Catholic community. However
I left with a bang when I was 37 years old that seemed louder than
the crash of Nora's front door in Ibsen's "Dollhouse."
 
 Now I
dance with the Goddess. I am a Dianic Pagan, actively affiliated
with a feminist-oriented women's circle. Additionally, I teach at
a Pagan seminary, and am a member of a mixed-gender coven.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     like something is there when the person is a live, and moves
somewhere else when that person's vital signs cease.  This SPirit
thing is ineffeable
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     my husband's dementia-related behavior with money so terribly
impoverished me that, seven years later, I am still suffering from
it. We lost our house, and even now, the tax authorities are skimming
over $1000 per month off the top of my paycheck. Bottom line? I slid
from middle-class respectability to poverty, and I will spend the
rest of my life in extreme poverty with no possiblity of recovery.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     we did it ourselves. There was no funeral director involved. We
danced, had an Irish bagpiper play IRA songs--my husband had been
a frequent donor to the "widows and orphans" funds for Northern
Ireland--second-lined New Orleans style, and made him a magnificent
Viking ship.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     My husband's refusal to die. He came back from near-death so
many times that the nurses finally began calling him "Willie
Lazarus." Even when the quality of his life was pure shit, he clung
to life so tenaciously. I had no idea he would fight death so hard.

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     my husband's emotional detachment from the world, and, finaally,
his surrender of his denial that AIDS would kill him.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     it's far from over, even now, seven years after my husband's death. I
think because I had so little support then, I have some udone grief
work that, now, will pribably never get finished.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     there was nothing visible. My husband's mind had gone so many months
before his body that there was no apparent conscious connection to
anything or anyone in the last month of his life.
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     This experience is outside my ken.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     What broke my heart as far as my husband was concerned was that
he married me knowing full well he wasn't attracted to women. I
know he loved me, but he hated our sexual encounters. I had no
knowledge of this, and let myself be emotionally intimate with
him in a way I have never ever with anyone else.  my bitterness is
that I gave him what I thought was the best I had to offer, and,
for him, responding to this "gift" was an occasion of profound
discomfort and dislike.
 
 The net result of this is that I am
left unable to trust any man again, and emotional and physical
intimacy is now impossible for me every again. I feel like my heart
has become like the lump of polished obsidian outside the Bank of
American headquarters here in San Francisci: black, hard-edged,
heavy and impenetrable. 
 
 I fear there is no help for this.
My health insurance pays for antidepressants but no therapy.  And,
frankly, revealing to others that a woman my age is so lonely and
so longing for intimacy feels way way too risky.
 
 So, at bottom,
I feel like that Simon and Garfunkle song: "I am a rock, I am an
island, and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries."

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I guess I would say to my husband that I honored his real love
for me, but that his duplicity has wounded me to the heart. I
would say that on some levels, he should never have married and I
so much wish he had grown up without the internalized homophobia
that so crippled his life and  filled it with deceit and anonymous
guilt-and-shame-filled sex with other men.
 
 If I could talk to my
son again, I would tell him how great a gift he had been to me. How
I was so proud of his pacificsm and his love of nature. That his
creativity flowed forth from great springs.  I would thank him
again and again for coming to live withim my body and my heart.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     All I can say is that whenever I am reading political news in the
paper, or thinking about some kind of legal shenanigans here in
San Francisco, my husband--who was a lawyer and a major political
junkie--seems more present. he is evoked in my encounters with those
worlds he loved.
 
 And to this day, I cannot listen to Jessye
Norman singing Richard Strauss' "Four Last Songs," which was my
husband's favorite music in the entire world. It's not that he is
present as much as the music without him at my side would make him
even more absent than he already is.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I think that those of us who follow earth-based religions have
urgent need of chaplains and death priestesses who can help us
make our final journey. I do not want to have those last times of
my life presided over by some hostile clergyperson from a relgious
denomination who would view my Paganism with contempt.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     Sometimes I know I struggle severely with survivor guilt and deep
depression. Sometimes i am so in the depths that I feel unworthy
to continue to life. 
 
 Other times I hope and feel that I will
be living to a great age.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX died yesterday at the age of 103. Born in Oakland,
California in 1944, she was the daughter of equally long-lived
Norwegian peasant immigrants. In her last years, while her level of
physical activity declined, her mind remainded sharp and connected,
and she was hard at work on her 10th book when she suddenly fell
over and died while seated at her computer.
 
 While she spent her
early years as a journalist, she is best known for her folk-art
fabric wall hangings, her several books of feminist essays, and her
deep commitment to feminist spirituality.
 
 She was the founder of
several different women's ritual circles, and inaugurated the "Art
Bud" concept through which women worked on various arts and crafts
projects as a way of touching into their core creativity and honoring
the Goddess. 
 
 When she was in her 60s, she won a multi-million
dollar jackpot in the California lottery, and quit her day job as
a journalist. She moved to Norway, and spent three years studying
Saami culture, language and literature at the University of Tromso,
and studied with Saami Shaman Nillas Somby. After her return, she
embarked on her series of historic novels that were chronicles of
renaissance in Saami culture.
 
 In private life, she was the mother
of five children, 14 grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren.
Her children were deeply alienated from her for 30 years, but after
her return from Norway, the ice in their relationship began to thaw.
In the later years of her life, her greatest joy was reading to her
grandchildren and teaching them traditional arts and crafts forms.

 She leaves behind a garden filled with 24 varieties of sage, lemon
and lime trees she grew from seedlings, and an abundant harvest
of heirloom tomatoes. 
 
 She married for the first time when she
was 21, and was divorced when she was 37.  Her second marriage took
place in 1989 and lasted until her second husband's death from AIDS
in 1997.  After a period of lengthy mourning, she founded a feminist
commune, but took occasional trips with various male companions. 

 She requested that memorial donations be made to the retirement
fund of the SIsters of the Holy Names in Spokane, Washington,
the Fund for the Feminist Majority, the Saami Cultural Center in
Kautokeino, Norway, and the San Francsico Ballet.
 
 Her memorial
service--and a show of the 70 quilts she made in her lifetime--
will be held in Tilden Park, priestessed by three senior members
of her coven. The date and time will be announced shortly. She
was cremated, and at her request, her ashes will be sprinkled in
Klapatche Meadow in Mt. Rainer National Park; the Pioneer Cemetery
in Roslyn, Washington; and Pescadaro Nature Preserve.
 

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     as far as my son is concerned, nothing makes it any better. I ache
about his loss every day. To this day, when I get onto the BART
train and happen to see a tall, slender, golden-haired young man,
my heart turns over in my chest, and I hurt all over again.
 
AS far as my husband is concerned, I think it's been good that I
still have some of his ashes in the house.  And sneaking some of
them into Arlington National Cemetery and sprinkling them on the
graves of his heroes: Bob Kennedy, John f. Kennedy, and U.s. Supreme
Court Justices Thurgood Marshall, William O. Douglas, and William
Brennan made me feel that I had taken him "home" to the place where
his heart always tended.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    I have one of our wedding pictures on my "south" altar in my loft. (I
have an altar for each of the four directions). Whenever I have
company for dinner, I always light a red vigil light and place it in
front of that photo, as a way if inviting my husband to participate
in the joy of the dinner.
 
 Every year at Samhain, I make a Day of
the Dead altar for our entire loft complex. I put my son's and my
husband's photos on that altar, totether with some of their favorite
foods. I light candles, burn incense, and invite them to return.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     no


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Lack of Awareness 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Family's Sensitivities 
     We kids were never take to the hospital to see our grandparents
in their last illness.  So we knew them only as healthy and then,
suddenly dead.  Way not good.
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I would have given anythning for someone to fold some laundry for
me, cook a few meals, or help me do my financial stuff. The burden
of doing this alone overwhelmed me.  If I'd had the help here,
perhaps I would have also encountered help of the spiritual nature
of which you speak.
 


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     Oh, I guess it's useful. I've expressed most of these sentiments
before, although not all in the same place and time.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     Nothing I can think of here.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Mar 19 19:28:30 2004
F37 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 Months ago.
Cause of Death: natural;   Aged: .

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when the body functions stop and the spirit moves on

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     11 years old

--That first time, how it happened was
     I was 11 when my brother was killed in a car accident

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     being told that no matter what weekend i spent with my brother,
that would have been the weekend he died

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     it is not final, there is more after death than we realize

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     i took care of my mother until her death

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     i dont know
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     knowing i would never see my brother again in my lifetime
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     make them comfortable, and let them make their peace
 
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     was able to handle the situation, the control you have over a
situation you have no control over changing

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     to make the decision to let go, and tell her that there were people
waiting on her and that we would be ok here without her

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     i dont recall laughing
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     have hind site to what was happening, knowing she was dying and
not just sick or pretending as she did

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     keep myself controlled so that my young daughter would not think her
grandmother was dying, and able to keep her thinking her grandmother
was sleeping
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     i did not lose emotional control of myself in such a stressful
situation
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     that i was alone dealing with the whole death process and taking
care of my daughter, with no support for most of the day

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     i hear the song turn turn turn

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     how would my life be now, if my brother were still alive

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that my brother was taken away from me, and i did not get to grow
up knowing him

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried and did not believe it was true

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     in florida it sucks, they are not aggressive enough in their
treatment of patients
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     supplied my own hospice
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     luthern
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     that a spirit is around you after death, helping you and guiding you
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     it didnt matter what was owed, we will get by somehow
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     my mother looked at peace, and seemed to be happy

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     dealing with the dying process and remembering how i dealt with it

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     confusion, sleeping, restlessness, and physical changes

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     i have no guilt, and feel that my mother would not want me to greive
for her but be happy for her that she is with my brother and father
and other family that meant alot to her
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     do not recall any
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     i feel i have completed my stage of life of being a child, that now
i can move on to being a parent taking care of a child instead of
a child taking care of a parent

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     it would give me answers to questions i didnt understand at the time

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     was told my brother came back to visit me while i was asleep shortly
after his death

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     i would hope that if i was comfortable and unaware that they would
let me be and just go in peace

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     no, i feel that in time we all die, and when it is my time to die,
if my life feels complete the dying process will be effortless and
i just hope i am let go as easy as i have let people go

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     a kind and caring person, who gave her life to caring for others,
selfless, and a good person

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     just trying to keep my daughters life as normal as possible


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Disbelief it could happen 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Passage of Time 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     that people understood i knew what was happening i was there to see
the pain and suffering and i have alleviated them of the painful
process of watching their mother die
   
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri Mar 19 14:49:44 2004
F26 in Houston, Texas =U.S.=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  I have recently lost my dear grandmother. I was awakened by a
brethtaking dream and I don't know how to interpret it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
    Prof/Studies: Medical receptionist
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 13 Days ago.
Cause of Death: old age;   Aged: 81.

--Details: 
     She had a slight heart attache on a Monday and could not eat or
drink for days. On Saturday 3/6/2004 She past away on her death
bed in her home. I was with her by her side for three days before
she past. She died on my son's birthday. I just had a dream about
her and I did not know how to interpret it.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Passage of Time 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Keeping Busy 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Mar 15 14:17:14 2004
F48 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  through yahoo

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	The soliloquy of Cronos and Una
 
Recommended Reading-- Writers: 
	Edgard Allan Poe - Ernesto Sábato - Herman Hesse
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt,  Months ago.
Cause of Death: cancer;   Aged: 55.

--Details: 
     Only 8 months elapsed between the time she knew she had cancer and
she died. She weighted 100 kilos before she got ill. She weighted
only 40 kilos when she died. She died in pain and despair.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     to go back to NOTHING from where we come. to stop being a sentient
being to become NOTHING

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     FELT IT WAS NATURAL

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     THE MOST SIGNIFICANT WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME I EXPERIENCED SOMEONE'S
DEATH. THIS OTHER TIME I FELT FEAR, TERROR.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     I DON'T KNOW

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     SPEAKING ABOUT IT WITH FRIENDS
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     EXPERIENCING PANIC
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     I DON'T KNOW
 
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     I COULD FEEL DYING PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO BE READY TO DIE. THEY DON'T
LOOK LIKE ACCEPTING DEATH.

--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     MY GRANDMOTHER ASKED HER DEAD HUSBAND TO COME FOR HER. APPARENTLY
HE DIDN'T RESPOND. IT LEFT ON ME THE IMPRESSION THAT SHE WAS SCARED
AND NEEDED SOMEONE'S HELP TO DEPARTURE BUT NOBODY CAME ALONG.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     ANYTIME I THINK OR SPEAK ABOUT MY GRANDFATHER.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I SIMPLY CANNOT THINK ABOUT AN ALTERNATIVE REALITY. DEATH IS
DEFINITE.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     HE DIES IN SORROW.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     BELIEVE IN HELL AND HEAVEN AGAIN
 
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     FEAR
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     PANIC
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     LIES - PREJUDICES -
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     PAST RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION WAS: THE CATHOLIC CHURCH
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     RIGHT.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     IT PLAYED AN IMPORTANT PART
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     NOTHING. FUNERAL IS NOT IMPORTANT. ONCE SOMEONE HAS DIED NOTHING
SIGNIFICANT CAN BE DONE FOR THAT PERSON. THE FUNERAL BECOMES JUST
A RITE.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     IT WOULD BE REALLY IMPORTANT TO LEARN THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY GOODBYE
TO THE DYING PERSON.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     SHE ASKED FOR SUCH A PERSON. NOBODY CAME
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     WHAT IS THE POINT? UNRESOLVED AFFAIRS WILL CONTINUE THAT WAY. NOT
A CHANCE OF SEEING THAT PERSON AGAIN TO SOLVE ANYTHING.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I DON'T KNOW. I CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE ONE SUCH OPPORTUNITY BE FEASIBLE.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     NOBODY HAS EVER VISITED ME. I WISH THEY WOULD!

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I WOULD LIKE MY CHILDREN REMEMBER ME WITHOUT SORROW

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     DESPERATE

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     NOTHING. IT'S POINTLESS

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     NOTHING AT ALL.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    Other: 
     I simply didn't understand what death meant - It came naturally to me


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Fear of Death 
     I always felt that, since he had had such a hard life, it was unfair
he died in sorrow
 

- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     IT HAS. I COULD EXPRESS MY FEELINGS REGARDING DEATH WITH ABSOLUTE
LIBERTY.
   
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun Mar 14 11:29:19 2004
F23 in Columbia, Maryland =USA=
Name: Jessica
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
  Yahoo!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
    Prof/Studies: Teacher
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 4 1/2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: accidental drug overdose;   Aged: 21.

--Details: 
     We had been broken up for 2 years, but had dated for 7 years before
that.  We grew up together and were neighbors.  He had been clean
for 1 1/2 years.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     a complete loss of a person.  They are no longer there for us to
talk to or see.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried for days, then completely changed my life.  I had to get away.

--That first time, how it happened was
     My ex-boyfriend of 7 years / best friend / next door neighbor died
	of an accidental drug overdose.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     my mother having tears in her eyes and telling me that Jesse
was dead.  Then I sat in the bathroom.  I don't know for how long.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     a spiritual view.  Is the person still there?

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     a lot of people were willing to talk about it with me, share their
feelings, thoughts, and experiences, and help me.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     reading and talking to my friends.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     never being able to see or talk to Jesse again.  I try to visit him,
but it's often too hard.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     talking about normal things and being happy that you had them in
your life.
 
--[My BoyFriend's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     was able to keep going and to keep talking about it.  Whenever I
talk about Jesse, I know he is still with me and thinking about me.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     it is completely normal.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     see him one last time.  It had been 2 years since we had physically
seen each other.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     talk to him one last time and clear the air between us.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     my phone rang the day after his funeral at the same time he normally
would've called me and someone was on my answering machine.
 
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     I hear songs that remind me of him on the radio.

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     We're happy in our other life.  I know it's not reality, but when
I imagine us loving each other again - we are very happy.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     that I never got to see him again.

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     be with him and dance in the clouds.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     cried, cried for hours and days.  I didn't eat or talk to anyone.

--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     nothing.  His funeral was a joke because he, nor I, were religious
at all.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     nothing.
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     like he is still watching over me and thinking about me.
 
--Regarding MONEY:
     Jesse was never going to pay me back the $200 that he owed me.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     his current girlfriend wearing a train, our friend David wearing
a tuxedo, and his ex-lover playing our favorite song "Fur Elise"
on the piano.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     seeing all of these people in his life who I didn't know, who didn't
mean a thing to me, and had no idea that I even existed.

--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     We resolved all of our issues 2 days before he died.  I believe that
was Fate - I wouldn't have been able to cope so well if all of that
was still hanging between us.  His mother told me he loved me still,
and that helped infinately.

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I would tell him again that I loved him.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     Jesse called me.  He laughed, and I knew it would be okay.
He visited his mom.  He visits me through dreams.  He has told
me that it is okay.  We hug and we kiss. Sometimes I can feel him
sitting next to me, but I can't see him.  Sometimes I can feel him
touch my hair or wipe my tears.  I have moved on and I know he is
happy for me.  Sometimes I see him sitting in crowds and I know he
is happy.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I want to be cremated and spread on water with a plaque as my
memorial somewhere.  No coffins or bodies for me.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I would be so sad to die right now.  I am happy with David, and I
want to be married and have children.  There is a lot of life that
I haven't yet lived.  The only plus would be that I would see Jesse
and my baby, Maisy McLaughlin.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     If it were right now, I want them to remember the hard work that
I did at The Young School.  I would want people to know how much I
loved children, David, my friends (Amy, Tracy, Somer, Heather, Kim,
Justin), my family - and most importantly my mom.  People should
know how much I loved to read and how much I loved animals.

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     I write him letters.  Long letters.

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    I still write a lot.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     I dropped all my old friends and got new ones - but they knew even
less of Jesse.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     A bit rough

What Helped me most deal with death?    Keeping Busy 
     I got a new job, new friends, new school, etc.


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Friends' Sensitivities 
     Current boyfriend very unsupportive
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     I want to help others with drug or alcohol problems.  I havent yet
because it has still been to hard for me.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It's nice to think about it and relay my feelings.

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     There should be more talk of sudden death.  THere is a lot about
slowly dying people - but nothing about the shock and reaction of
a sudden and unexpected death.
   
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Wed Mar 10 06:49:04 2004
F32 in =Unknown Locale=
Name: jo
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 9 Years ago.
Cause of Death: congestive heart failure;   Aged: 72.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     the end, never coming back

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     keeping a distance from others

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     my grandpa doesn't have to suffer anymore

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     nothing
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     knowing you will never see that person again
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     knowing you are there for them
 
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I wouldn't distance myself from others

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     how could this happen to such a good person

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     die
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     couldn't believe it

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     anger
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     the people that did not come and show their respect

--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     I feel good that I was there

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     that they are with me in spirit
 would make me feel a little better

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I think about it alot and it scares me

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     nothing helps

--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
    I don't get close to others, keep to myself

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     none


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Difficult

What Helped me most deal with death?    Nothing at all 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Disbelief it could happen 
   
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Wed Mar 10 05:30:40 2004
F47 in Girard, Kansas =USA=
Name: Nancy
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
    Prof/Studies: house keeper
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
More personal info: 
     no please do not post it.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandDaughter, feb 29, 2004 Hours ago.
Cause of Death: multicystic dysplastic kidneys;   Aged: a little over two hours..

--Details: 
     We were told that this baby would be born dead and my daughter was
told to abort but she refussed to.  We were then told that she would
not carry the baby ful trem and she did.  We were told if the baby
was born alive they would put it in oxgen and flight lift it to
a neonatal clinic where they would x-ray the lungs and kidneys,
Will she was alive and they used oxegan at first and then when
she pinked up they took her off of it.  No test were done and they
did not flight lift her they just let her die.  And then wanted my
daughter to donate the heart valuve.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     I did not know what dieing was until my grandmother died and my
grand daughter.  My grandmother went back to the fetal stage before
she dies and the baby just died.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     had no ideal what to expect.  I promised my grandmother I would
not leave her alone in the hospital so I stayed with her day and
night. until she died.  If I had to do it all over today I would
not do it.  Because when I thing of my grandmother I see her in
the fetal stage dieing.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     My grandmother in the fetal stage.  
 My granddaughter that I could
not get the doctors to help her becasue they druged my daughter
and had her sign papers not to intabate her.

--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     How to deal with death.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     MY mother and brother died of cancer I can remember my brother
telling me it felt like something was in side of him eating him
from the inside out.  I hated to see him die but I was reliefed
when he died.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     When my mother and brother died our family split.  We do not have
much to do gogether any more.  When my mother and brother were
alive we always got to gether on all holidays.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     is the fact I could not get the doctors to do anything for the baby.
They had it set in there mind that this baby would not live so
they did not give her a chance.  I felt that God let her live so
why didn't they try anything?
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     That you showed the what love was.  And how much you loved them.
 
My grandmother washuped the ground my brother and sister walked on
but when it came to my grandmother dieing they would not come to the
hospital and my mother was blind so she could not stay with her so
that is why I promised my grandmother I would not leave her alone.
My grandmother never acted as though she love me but I loved her
and I was there for her.
 
--[My GrandDaughter's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     Never thougth you could love someone in such a short time.  And how
this 2 hour old baby put her handprint and feetprint in my heart.
I sit and cry because I could not save her.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     The doctors did nothing to determine what was really wrong with her
kidneys or lungs.  It was also confusing because she cryied and I
thougth that if she did not have lungs then how did she cry?

--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     Why did these doctor just let her die with out doing any testing.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Mar  1 12:32:47 2004
F23 in =Unknown Locale=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Teacher ]
  SAC Professor Yvonne Lozano; Death and Dying class

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Recommended Reading-- Titles: 
	several stories in the bible
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 6 Years ago.
Cause of Death: an accident;   Aged: 54.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     when the physical human body stops living-stops breathing, eating,
sleeping,... but, the soul, heart, and memories are forever alive.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     was a young child and I don't rememeber much but, lots and lots
of crying.  I remember wanting to cry too.

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     feeling incredible sadness and worrying about how my grandmother,
father, and uncles and the rest of the family would handle it.

--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
     learning to better plan for Death- financially

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     how it brought family members and friends together from all over...it
was good to know that my Grandfather was so loved.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     FAMILY - helping me talk about it and crying with me and just
allowing me to cry.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     not ever seeing their face, hearing their laugh, and their unique
smell.... realizing the only thing left is memories.
  
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
     Listen patiently, offer silence when needed, offer kind words,
and respect.
 
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much.  I'd have others know how I:
     really would not have dealt well had it not been for my family
always there no matter what.

--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     it actually happened. It was an accident at his place of employment.
I couldn't believe it happened and I didn't want to believe it
either.

--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
     I was remembering the good times.
 
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     talk about college plans, family ancestry, deer hunting, etc. with
my Grandfather...eat more snickers with him..etc.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     be there for my family when they needed me.
 
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
     My Dad wanted my Grandmother to rest..allowed her to sleep and we
helped out more.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     the funeral arrangements...although I'll never forget the beautiful
deep aqua blue the coffin was and the yellow flowers....it wasn't
a fancy thing...

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     someone reminds me of him, or when I think of what I want to tell
him, who I want him to meet, advice I need etc..

--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
     I don't know. I guess there's no way of knowing..I'm just thankful
that God gave me Popo as My Grandfather.

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     Why? This really sucks! Who did this?

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     turn back time and fix the problem.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     I was in disbelief...then extreme misery...I felt like part of my
heart had been sucked out of me.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     the most wonderful professionals but, still they are not God.
 
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
     n/a
 
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
     believing that God has his reasons and the whole process allowed
him not to suffer anymore.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     from birth - current = Catholic
 
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
     God has his reasons and I don't blame him.
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     lots and lots and lots of people showing their love and support.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     the sudden ness of it all

--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
     n/a

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     just try to relax.
 
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
     I don't know
 
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
     n/a
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     n/a

--If we were to visit one last conversation...
     I love you more and more talking ...not much differently than how
we would talk.

--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
     My Grandfather still comes to me in dreams and I hope he always
will. I love seeing him.

--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
     I hope to have my wishes written in legal documents because I know
there are always unforeseen peoblems...might as well bet rid of
the ones you can offer suggestions to and solve.

--Any thoughts about your own death?:
     I have enjoyed life here with all of you (my family and friends)
and I thank you for all of your love and support.
 I think I would
be sad but, not too sad because I hope to continue living life to
its fullest and being a good person.

--What might you like your obit to say of you:
     Sweet Daughter, Wife, Grand mother, Great Grandmother, Great Great
Grandmother,and  Nurse
 
 passed at the age of 125 with her love.
A kind, compassionate woman ..always with an open heart........

--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
     talking with family and friends praying, and writing in my journal.

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     no


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Very Well

What Helped me most deal with death?    My Belief System 
     My awesome family and God


What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Zoning Out 
     feelings of sadness
 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     n/a


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     It's always nice to think of my POPO

- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here? 
     n/a

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon Mar  1 06:38:45 2004
F19 in Wellingborough, Northants =UK=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
    Prof/Studies: Student in psychology
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of BoyFriend, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: car accident;   Aged: 17.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
--Death Is: 
     something everyone experiences at some point in there life.

--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I    
     cried and cried

--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
     thinking of commiting suicide

--What I think my (UK) culture needs to better learn about death is:
     to talk about it more openly.

--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
     knowing he didnt suffer.

--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
     my family and friends.
 
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
     knowing id never get to spend time with him again.
  
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
     people lose loved ones so young.

--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
     say goodbye and tell him how much i loved him.

--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
     know him.
 
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
     the flowers at the funeral. his mum was fussing over and over again
about flowers but he hated them and would rather have had the money
donated to charity, as he had said over and over again.

--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
     something triggers me, a film we loved, 'our' song etc

--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
     because he was so young

--It's sometimes so very difficult.  I just wish I could
     bring him back.
 
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
     ran away.

--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
     disgust. the ambulance was too late (10 minutes they took) and by
the time he got to hospital he was dead.
 
--Religious Affiliation:
     none
 
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
     how sad everyone was. everyone was crying. the church was
overflowing.

--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
     the funeral. it seemed surreal.

--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF: 
     talking was very important.
 
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
     i go to his grave once a month on a sunday and sit and talk to
him. it helps me a lot

--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
     yes i am now very close to his mum.


       - - - - -   P e r s o n a l    H i s t o r y   - - - - - 

			How'd I do?     Adequate

What Helped me most deal with death?    Upbringing 

What Hindered me most in my dealing with death?    Helping Other People cope 

--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
     the hospital staff were very kind, and the funeral directors couldnt
have done more to get us through.


- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - - 
     yes it helped me to compact all my feelings

F19 in Wellingborough, Northants =UK=

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 
             
See  Feb 04   contributions.
See  Jan 04   contributions.
See  Current  contributions.
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