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See Current contributions.
See Sep 02 contributions.
See Aug 02 contributions.
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Wed Oct 30 02:08:53 2002
F25 in Atlanta, ga =us=
Email: <danajh-at-msn.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo/social science/psychology/research
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Prof/Studies: Allied Health professional
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
When Someone You Love Dies
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
published by the Watchtower Bible and tract Society
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 7 Years ago.
Cause of Death: SIDS; Aged: 5 months.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a complete mystery. All we understand is that someone or something
was once and is no more. Different religions and cultures have
ideas and theories on the reasons and destinations of the dead--most
concocted for the comfort of those left behind, not because they
necessarily have any validity. We don't understand how it happens.
We make stupid statements like, "But I just saw him/her" as if our
laying eyes on them somehow preserves them. But if we understood
death, then we'd realize just how ludicrous that is. We grieve,
often inconsolably, and we look for someone or something to blame or
at least to explain. In short, we are just as clueless as you are.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried. I was only six or seven years old. My friend's great-aunt
died. She used to give us peppermints on Sundays and whenever we
came over to play. I remember she was a very old, stern woman,
but very kind as well. I understood that she wouldn't be coming
back, and I knew I'd miss her.
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my best friend's baby. He was five months' old and in perfect
health. Then one day, he just stopped breathing. They determined
it was SIDS.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
thinking it's not fair. This baby never got to start his life, and
he was already loved by so many. Personally, I could've sworn I'd
given birth to him myself I loved him so much. I just kept saying,
'This is NOT happening.' Until I saw him at the viewing in a small
white casket, wearing a very proper navy blue suit. He looked like
a porcelain doll. I could not take my eyes off him.
--What I think my (us) culture needs to better learn about death is:
its permanence. We have to value life while we have it. Once it's
over there are no second chances.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
spending as much time with Maliek as I did while I could. I loved
him and I believe he knew it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the Bible, and my personal beliefs.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
after this, that's it. You can't come back tomorrow and say
the things you'll put into perfect words between now and then.
You can't drop by next week and let him know how much he means to
you and how you'll cherish his memory. If it were you in there,
you'd want your loved ones around you. Not necessarily to comfort
you or prepare you for what you're about to face, but just to hold
you, to let you know that it was worth it and they won't forget.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
take pictures. I never take pictures.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend the time with Maliek that I did. I'm glad we smiled and
laughed together. I'm glad he trusted me. I'm glad he was
comfortable with me. He was just a baby, but I treasure those
moments.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a certain song that reminds me of him, or when I see his
parents.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Honestly, if he'd lived, I still might not know him well. I moved
away and his parents divorced and went their separate ways. I dont'
even know where he'd be living now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he won't get to live, and so many do and waste their lives.
He wont' even get the chance to make the choice.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
burst into tears. My uncle had just died and a friend said
a prayer. When I heard him mention his name and asked that his
family be comforted in his passing, I realized he was really gone.
I'd not gotten to know him that well personally, though I felt I
knew him quite well through my mother. At that moment, I realized
I'd never be able to rectify that mistake.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
camaraderie. I'm in the medical community myself. In most cases,
a person's life and death is up to them. Knowing your body,
the signals it gives you, and how to respond to them is way more
important than whether the nurse hangs the correct IV med.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
support and hope.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like something people say to make themselves feel better. Not that
I feel it's hopeless, but saying the spirit or soul survives the
death is just to make the hearer believe that the death has not
actually taken place.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
change in breathing. It becomes agonal, the person looks like a
guppie reaching for each breath. They spread further and further
apart. Often, phlegm gets caught in their throats and you hear it
rattle as they breathe.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
letting it out helped. whatever 'it' is, let it out.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
a power of attorney should be made out. and that power should be
given to someone who can talk frankly about the person's wishes
beforehand and can respect them when the time comes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I became more aware of my own mortality when my friend near my own
age died suddenly from a heart attack. He was only 19 and in perfect
health, or so we thought. I know it could happen at any moment.
I've made my family aware of what my wishes are. I think if I
knew for a fact it would be soon, I'd take more time to talk to
the people I love. I'm very careful to let them know how I feel
about them. I'm not stingy with the 'I love you's and the hugs and
letters and cards. But I guess I'd want to spend some meaningful
time with them, laughing preferably and learning about each other.
Then I could be a memory instead of a faceless voice on the phone
now and then or the stray greeting card every few months.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
How much I loved to have fun. How much I enjoyed learning about new
things. How I liked to laugh and play with kids and adults alike.
How I liked to teach others new things and watch the light of
recognition as they grasp what I'm saying. How much love I still
had yet to give.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I observe people much more closely. I guess in the grand scheme
of things that doesn't matter, but it makes me feel that they
existed for me. For instance, a friend of mine died suddenly, and
at a very young age from a heart attack. All of us, his friends,
gathered around and talked about things we remembered about him,
things we said. And of course, everything was positive (which
is completely unrealistic), but I noticed we were attributing to
him qualities that we didn't really know that he had. We were
claiming we felt and thought things about him that in all honesty,
we didn't. But somehow telling ourselves that we had noticed him
more than we had made us feel better. It made us feel that he had
truly existed for us. We didn't miss out on what life he had had.
Later, I realized that we had in fact, done just that. So I try
to make a point to notice people, to pay attention to them, to
listen to them, and to take them for what they are good and bad.
Because if any of them should die, I don't want to lie to myself
about what they were and weren't to hide the fact that I never
noticed them in the first place.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
At a time like that, you don't want anything specific from other
people. You just want their presence. You just want them to
grieve with you so it doesn't feel like you're carrying it alone.
Just be the shoulder or the ear or the helping hand. You can't fix
it, you can just tidy up around them while they heal on their own.
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Tue Oct 29 17:29:14 2002
F22 in Englewood, New Jersey =USA=
Email: <AngelKookies-at-aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 and a half Years ago.
Cause of Death: lung cancer; Aged: 54.
--Details:
When she was diagnosed the doctor said she had 3 years left.She
slowly got worse and the last 3 months of her life she couldnt do
anything for herself.That morning I went upstairs and the nurse
told me that it would be soon,so I sat with her and held her hand
until she passed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when someone exists no longer.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
tried to make myself care more than I actually did.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I lost one of my best friends.It feels like there is literally
a hole in your heart where that person used to be.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that you shouldnt forget and you should always share your memories
of people who have passed.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my mother is no longer in pain.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
dealing with it on my own terms.I hated how everyone kept asking me
"Are you ok??",as if I was gonna have nervous breakdown.Being left
alone to reach out when I felt the need was very important to me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being able to really believe that the person is gone and just
realizing that youre never going to be able to see that person
again,ever.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I dont know b/c I regret not saying certain things to my mom while
she was dying.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
appreciate everyone so much more now.I dont take any of my time
with family or friends for granted.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never wanted to laugh.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell my mom how much I loved her.I know she knew b/c we became
very close her last few years but I still wish I had said it one
last time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there when she passed.My sister came home an hour later and I
just feel so bad that she wasnt able to be there with out mom.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I looked at my moms face as she was dying and even though I could
tell she was in pain her eyes were so clear and sparkly.She wasnt
really "all there" the last few days so she couldnt say anything
that really meant much but I just feel that her eyes being so clear
it meant that she knew what was going on and she was gonna be ok,she
was gonna be at peace.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I always get sad when I think of my mom or see or hear anything
that reminds me of her.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I dont think of that too often but I know that I wouldnt be as self
reliant as I am now had my mother lived.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Many times since her death.I hate hearing about new advances in the
fight against cancer b/c it just makes me wonder what if she had
the chance to get that medicine or what if we could have afforded
a better doctor.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Bring her back or scream.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I dont know what to think.I guess b/c I was right there when it
happened it was different for me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Animosity.When my moms doctor called I was so mad at him for not
being able to do more.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
The hospice nurse was the best,I loved her.She was very,very loving
and caring.I actually didnt want her to leave.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Not much.When it comes to religion I am very confused.
--Religious Affiliation:
My parents attended an Episcopalean church that I sometimes went to.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I do feel that my mother is in a better place,her spirit.But
sometimes Im just thinking that to make myself feel better.
--Regarding MONEY:
It wasnt a big deal b/c she hadnt worked for 2 years.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
A letter that my cousin read saying that he sees me and my sister
as his sisters.I never knew that he loved us so much.And also,my
father cried at the funeral and gave me a hug.Ive never seen him
cry and I cant remember the last time he gave me a hug.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Whether or not I should 'say goodbye' to my mothers body before
they took her out of the house.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Losing a lot of weight,not being able to walk,then not being able
to stand,sit up and so on.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I suppose I was in denial b/c I was my mothers main caregiver the
last year of her life.The nurse came in during the morning and then
it was just me and my mom.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
We dont have any unresolved issues at all,we were very close.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Theres not much that I would have to say to her other than I love
you and Thank you.But I do wish that she could have said some last
words to me,anything.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
When my mom was diagnosed with cancer the first thought that popped
into my mind was 'What about me?' After I got over the guilt of
that I realized how terrified of death I am.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I couldnt even begin to think about that.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I dont really know,I guess just talking about her all the
time.Sharing stories with my sister.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Ive actually become very good friends with my moms best friend.We
do things that my mom and her would often do.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Passage of Time
It seems as though the longer its been since her death,the worse
it gets for me to deal with.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish my best friend had told me that it was ok to cry b/c I always
felt that if I cried while we talked about my mom I would just make
everything awkward.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I generally dont like to talk about death and dying but if I get
the chance to talk about my mom Im all over that.I dont know why
but I feel the need to talk about her a lot.
F22 in Englewood, New Jersey =USA=
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Mon Oct 28 22:02:15 2002
F16 in =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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More personal info:
I'm not heartless, just logical.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: a brain tumour.; Aged: 32.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the spirit/soul leaves the body and doesn't return.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to comprehend, (this is not the death I used in the
rest of the questionnaire). It was my mother's boyfriend, and her
reaction was harder to handle than his death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how depressed everyone was. Sure he was young, but we expected it
and he's in a better place anyways. The morgue did a horrible job
on his make-up, and I think that mortified my poor family.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
It's part of life, and it's HARDLY the end of it. The dead person
is probably better off than us!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the experiences with my Grandmother's spirit, and brother's Dad's
spirit.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my beliefs, and logic I suppose. My spirituality must be a factor
too.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
dealing with my family afterwards. I'm alwys accused of being too
cold and unaffected.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't force them to 'hang on' for the sake of anybody else. If they
would be happier in their next life, for goodness' sake let them go!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
people got angry at eachother or even the dead person. That seemed
a very foolish reaction to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
???
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
so many more people showed up than we even knew had known my cousin.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
seeing his corpse...um, no offense, but it's just a damned body. It
isn't your family member anymore, they're long gone..hence the term,
'dead'.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my 1st cousin-once-removed accidentally calls somebody else daddy.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that his poor wife and child don't get to experience life with him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt absolutely terrible that his 1 year old baby girl was going
to grow up without a daddy.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
hmm. I don't know. They tried pretty hard, and I commend them for
it, but when it's your time to die you die no matter how hard a
doctor tries.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I HATED it. I can't stand to see people suffer. And at the end, my
cousin was basically mentally retarded. He was gone, and in his place
was a crippled child in a 32 year old's body. Creepy sight, that.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. Not organized religion or church, really. I am christian,
but I find 'religious groups and organizations' irritating. I just
deal with things my own way, on my own.
--Religious Affiliation:
Christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
makes sense to me....sort of...hahahaha.
--Regarding MONEY:
we are so scared right now that my Granny's little bit of income lost
is going to force us to lose the house! ACK! THAT would suck. We're
a bit worried.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was uncomfortable, and didn't help me 'grieve' at all. It was
so....depressing. Nobody seemed to think of it as good that he was
out of his misery and on his way to a better place. They were all
sobbing and, emotional....I'm just NOt emotional.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the concept of crying and comforting your family. I don't understand
people.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when the doctor says your family member or friend is gonna die
soon. If they doctors have decidd to stop bull-shitting you, you
know it's seriously time.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I don't really grieve. Even now, my grandmother is dying, and
I've lived with her for the past five years. I'd say I'm upset
that she might live and have to be put in an old-people's home,
where she's strapped to a chair and sedated all her life. But,
if she dies I'll be happy she gets to go to a better place.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
there is no awareness.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my grandmother has visited me personally, (one who died when I was 1
year old). She also appears to my aunt and cousin. Once her spirit
was seen by a boyfriend of my mom's. and it scared the hell out
of him. My little brother's Dad's spirit knocked on our door the
night he died, and since my mom sensed who and what it was she was
too scared to open it. The next day she finally ansered the phone
to discover he was dead...which she'd already figured out.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
"'May' was a clever girl......"
The rest I don't care about,
hahaha, I'm only kidding. I'm too tired to write my obituary tonight.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I don't have one really. I just know that death is natural, and
not the end, so what's all the fuss about?
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I simply see it as part of life.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
nope, although I am shocked at all little of this stuff applies to
me. Heh, I knew I was a weirdo!
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Mon Oct 28 11:08:18 2002
F32 in Mankato, Minnesota =United States=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I was following a grief link
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 9 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 79.
--Details:
He had slowly gotten more and more ill over a period of about
7 years. We had just put him into a nursing home about 5 days
before he passed away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the human body gets too tired to keep living. But our soul,
the much stronger part of us, which continues to live forever.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
don't think I fully understood it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how emotionally detatched I felt at the time.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
the psychological impact on the people left behind.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I was numb during my dad's visitation and funeral, so I do
remember all of it. It didn't really fully hit me until about 2
years later, when I had a breakdown (which wasn't a good thing)
but at the time of his death, I was glad that I had all my senses
and could remember everything.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my daughter. She was 6 months old when dad died. If she hadn't
been around to keep my mind off of other things, I don't know what
would have happened.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that mom was now living all alone.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tell them that you love them, not just when they're dying, but
right now. Say it all because if you don't, you will go through the
rest of your life regretting it. If you've always wanted to ask,
do it now.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
admire my mom so much. She was an absolute rock. And during the
past 9 years, she has blossomed! She's 87 now and she's more active
now than she was back then. She is my hero.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
see him one last time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
take my daughter to see him 2 days before he passed away. He was
awake and alert - he knew who she was and he was making her giggle,
cracking jokes like he used to before he got so sick. Almost like
the "old" dad. That was a precious day I'll never forget.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my mom and I are talking about my dad. Or I'm telling my daughter
about him and wishing he could see her now.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I do have dreams like that, like nothing happened, and I don't even
remember in my dream that he's gone, it's just natural for him to
be there.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
It's not fair for us, but I know that he was very sick and his body
couldn't survive here any longer.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
bring him back for a day, just to hold his hand.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
never got a last chance to say goodbye.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
great admiration.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I took comfort then in going to church. It made me feel safe. Now I
can't. My parents were churchgoing people, they went every Sunday.
When I go to church, every prayer we say, every creed, every hymn
we sing...they all cause me to get a knot in my stomach and I cry.
It's all become too emotional for me. You'd think that by now -
9 years later - I'd be okay with it, but I just can't do it.
--Religious Affiliation:
Lutheran - Missouri Synod
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a bunch of bull.
--Regarding MONEY:
it wasn't an issue.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My cousin was a nurse at the nursing home when my dad was there
and she said that he kept telling her that he was going to die.
After he passed away, she felt awful and realized that he really
did know he was about to die.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I do have one major unresolved issue, and that's something that
only the two of us saw that I remembered only after his passing.
Since he's the only one that can confirm my story, I'm hoping to
go under hypnosis to see if the issue can be proven as it's a topic
in which many don't believe.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Sometimes I can hear my dad saying words to me. Sometimes it will
just be one word. He'll just say my name and that's how I know
he's here with me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Make sure your wishes are carefully written out exactly as you want
them to be done. Different people have different interpretations
for things - discuss these things with your loved ones before
you pass away. My mother and I have discussed what she wants and
doesn't want, and she has it written out, so it will be taken care
of the way she wants.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not afraid.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I would hope that they would say I cared about others.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
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Sun Oct 27 11:28:46 2002
F39 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Yahoo search
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 14 Years ago.
Cause of Death: drowning; Aged: 19.
--Details:
He was trying to save a friend
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
inevitable
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
wanted to die too
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my parents walking along the river every morning trying to find
his body.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
more talking and less avoidence
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
i did not get any support
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
no one in the family helped me deal with this.My mom saying she
wished it was me and telling me my other brother had the only right
to feel real bad because he was the twin.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
No one deserves to die alone.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
almost killed myself because I refused to deal with it.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
No one acknowledged my pain.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I did not believe he was dead.I thought maybe he was sitting atop
of a mountain smoking a joint laughing at all of us.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say goodbye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
learn to be happy again.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
My other brother came home and told us he was dead.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Having a body to bury.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember the good times we shared.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would not resent my parents so much.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
how I was ignored through it all.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
join my brother in death
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
did not think he was really dead because of no body to lay to rest
for awhile.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
no change
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
that I knew death was coming
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
confusion
--Religious Affiliation:
I used to be forced to go to church growing up,now I do not have
a strong affliation with religion.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that when you die you are free
--Regarding MONEY:
we never had enough
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
we had a memorial service first because of no body to bury.Then
when his body was found we had a funeral.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Refusing to believe he was dead because of no body.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
don't know
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I wish I had some kind of warning
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I always believe that my brother is always watching out for me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
just remember that death is always there.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Denial
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Illicit Drugs
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Sat Oct 26 12:37:46 2002
M18 in buffalo, new york =usa=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
My developmental psychology class
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: he fell off a building at work; Aged: mid 40s.
--Details:
He was my good friends father. He was an iron worker, and it was
winter time, one week before christmas, and he was working up on
a 40ft high building, slipt on ice and fell off the buiding and died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a persons soul leaves their body. The soul goes off to another
dimension, hopefully a better place.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was kinda young and really wasnt close with the person, It was my
grandmother on my fathers side. I knew she had been sick, and that
it was not a suprise. Though it was still sad knowing that she was
no longer alive
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
thr reactons of people when they first found out. It was a big shock
and hard for everyone to actually accept he was gone for ever. It was
the worst time for it too. One week before christmas day. one month
after my friends birthday. I can still remember that whole week. From
when i found out til the day of the funeral. It was a great shock to
everyone. One of the saddest things to ever occur in my life so far.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to cope with it. and how to help others cope. When someone
looses someone close, everyone sympasises for that person. People
need to understand, that they need space, just let them know ur
there for them when they need it. But dont overdue it. People in
todays society need to learn the different ways people cope, not
everyone is the same.. dont expect certain thigs from the grievers.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my friends and family, knowing that they were their to talk
with. that they would support me no matter what, and its always
helpful to be around others who are feeling the same way as you
are. When being close with a person whom has died. bringing back
old memories is helpful to, Just because they left doesnt mean you
need to forget them, Memories are the best things
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not hacing that person there anymore..it took along time foe me to
finally accept the fact that my good friend dad was dead. I had
just been over their house talking with him a cple days before,
I had grown up with his family practically. and not knowing how
to be around my friend. Not knowing exactly what to say to her was
extremly difficult.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to remind them of all the good they have done. All the people they
made happy. That they succeeded in life, they have done their jobs
and now it was their turn to go and watch over all of us and make
sure we do our jobs in life.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it helps to laugh even if we are sad, i dont regret it. thinking
of happy thoughts helps us, and it lets others know that we are
coping with this and we can get throw it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there more for my friend and her family
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
help in some way possible to make my friend smile, and feel free
to talk about anything with me whenever she needed
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i go over to my friends house and he dad isnt there anymire, and
looking at all his old pictures, and when i open my friends wallet
and her dads liscense is there and on old picture of him,,its hard,
but i cant image how hard it is for my friend and her family to
deal with every day.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died, he had so much more to do, he was a great dad and
wasnt finshed raising his children,,,it wasnt fair to them either,
they werent done growing up...they are such nice people, why did
something so awfule have to happen to their family.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
dont understand why it was him, it didnt seem like it was his time
to go, he had a family and was a great father who needed to contue
raising great children.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it wasnt my family holding it, it was my friends, but they also
didnt hold a funeral, he wasn not burried he was creamted, the held
a celebration of his life. which was kinda like a party, but instead
of mourning over his death they celebrated his life, by talking
about all the good times they had with him and all their memories.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
not me but my friends family had a bench at a beach dedicated to
their father and on his birthday and aniversery of hius death the
would go and sit and have a picnic and talk with him. tell him
everything that is going onin their lives, this helps them cope more.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
just having someone to talk to and relate with is very helpful, and
not having it a sudden death...knowing about it before it will happen
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
sometimes its hard to belive that that person is actually not with
you anymore. that they actually died
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just knowing that someone is there to talk with and wont judge me
in anyway, but just sit and listen to me. someone who can uderstand
where i am in life.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes and no. I was unable to answer a lot of the questions because ive
never had a close freind/love one die before. the closets person to
me that has died was my friends father. so i didnt hve much to say
about the funeral experience.plus my friends father died suddenly
and unexpected, so the questions about health and before dying i
was unable to answser
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Sat Oct 26 08:15:14 2002
F46 in Adelanto, Ca =USA=
Name: Katherine White
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
assignment in Psychology for college
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Prof/Studies: Nursing
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 8 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer/congestive heart failure; Aged: 78.
--Details:
We knew he was going to die for about 2 weeks prior. He had been
in the hospitial for a while. He had a stroke several years before,
and just went downhill from there.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life here on earth in the physical state. All bodie
functions cease and you no longer breath. You will never awake from
your sleep and your love ones will never see you again in the form
you are presently in.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was only 4 years old and did not understand it fully. That was my
greatgrandfather. When my grandfather died, it was different cause
I was older and understood it fully.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how sad my grandmother was and I could not imagine living without
my husband at the time. I felt sorry for her and tried to see it
through her eyes but could not really. As for my own feelings about
loosing my grandfather, I was really upset that he would not see my
children grow up and have children of their own like my mother did.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to comfort the spouse. How to deal with your own feelings
and hurt.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it brought my family (who is already close) a lot closer and we
have remained so ever since.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
helping my grandmother cope with it and still do to this day. She
has finally relized that he is gone. It has been 8 years.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
seeing my mother cry. It was her father.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
we will all be alright and see you at a later time.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have learned to apprecitate every day and all the little moments you
spend with your family and friends. They are all important in the
little ways the affect your life. You may not see it at the time,
but you will later.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was good for all of us. Even my grandfather tried to laugh with
all of us standing around his bed. We all tried to keep each others
spirit up. It was hard and laughing made us feel better.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I have no regrets in regards to my grandfather. He was a wonderful
man and I always let him know.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
tell him those things. I am thankful that we lived with him and my
grandmother when my brothers and I were small. My mother was single
and working, my grandparents took care of all of us. I love those
memories of living with them.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
at the funeral home, looking at my grandfather in the casket,
he looked so peaceful, I never kissed him goodbye.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I was small and he use to chase my brothers and I all around the
house trying to pinch us. We would squeal and laugh and run. My
grandfather always had time to play with us. He always left part
of his lunch in his pail everyday for the "little people" (which
was my brothers and I), we would run to greet him at the door and
grab his pail to see what he had left and eat it up.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
If he had not died, maybe my grandmother would be a bit more
stable. She is slowly loosing it and telling us that he is not
eating his dinner every nite that she fixes and she is getting
tired of fixing a dinner for someone who won't eat it. Maybe she
would have a better grip on reality.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone so loving could be taken away from us. He did not
deserve to suffer for 2 weeks before he passed away. Let him go in
his sleep earlier.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just scream out loud!!!!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was asleep at 4am when the phone rang. I let it ring 3 times before
I answered it cause I knew who was calling. It was my mother. I
felt a huge knot in my stomach. I felt like throwing up.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did all that they could. There was nothing left for them to
do but make him comfortable. He had a standing DNR and we honored
it. So did the medical staff.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they were absolutly wonderful! They fully explained everything that
was happening and what was going to happen. We were very prepared.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I do not attend church
--Religious Affiliation:
nothing since I was 7 years old. I worship in my own way at home.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
great!! I know that there is something watching over us and in time
of need, to turn to.
--Regarding MONEY:
it has never been an issue.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was a time to say goodbye and comfort my grandmother. Only
family attended.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
how much food there was at my grandmother's house when we got back
from the cemetary. How much can 1 person eat????? We all had enough
to divide up and eat for a week!!!
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
swelling of the tissues in the arms and legs. Tenderness in the
same areas.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
to just stay close to one another and talk it out on your
feelings. It helps to have someone as a sounding board.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I dont understand the question.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
never had such and experience
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
After 8 years, I still have never visited his grave except for the
day we buried him. My grandmother goes about every 2 weeks and it
is only 20 minutes from her house, but I still cannot go to his
grave. I don't know why, but I just do not want to. I need to offer
to my grandmother to take her and just do it!
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
never experienced it.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My grandmother says that my grandfather comes every nite to sleep
in the bed with her. She feels him get in and out of bed. She says
he also is comming to dinner with her during the day now.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I would not want to be kept alive if there was no hope and making
the rest of my family suffer. Just take my parts and burn the rest
is what I have ordered.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am greatful for every day that I have and I am well aware that
there is no guarentee for tomorrow. I tell my family everyday that
I love them and I try to be a good person to everyone I meet. If
I was to die today, I have no regrets and I would be ready. I dont
want to die, but I know it will happen some day.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
That I was a very big hearted person who could not say no to
anyone or anything. I lived every day like it was my last and loved
my family.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking to him at nite and telling him that my grandmother is well
looked after. Talking to my grandmother about him.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Keeping an open line of communication with the family and talking
about my grandfather and how we all miss him terribly.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Not really any one sticks out, but I do appreciate the friends I
have and are always looking to meet new ones. I am more outgoing
than before. I feel we need to touch as many lives as possible.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I reach out to my grandmother and my mother all the time. They are
also there for me.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes it has. It has made me realize that I am not afraid to die and
that I feel I have made a difference here on earth. I know that
sounds a little corney, but I feel I am a good person and will go
to the appropriate place when the time comes. I feel that I will
see again all my friends and family at another time and place. I am
comfortable with my feelings and this was a great survey! Thank you!!
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
can't think of any right now.
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Wed Oct 23 19:42:58 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 7 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 42.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the soul of your being leaves your presence and you are no
longer a being you are just a body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 5 and i cried for a very long time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the memories of him and the impact he had on all of our lives.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
I think our culture is fine in the way of dealing with death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the fact that i had those great people in my life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
group counseling
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing he was gone and seeing everyone's face after it happen
after days had gone by.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
family gatherings helped
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Sat Oct 19 13:14:42 2002
M30 in kingston, ontario =canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: outreach attendant
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying;
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elizabeth Keubler Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 82.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a process of purification from deluded states of mind to pure
awareness of the true nature of reality (i.e. emptiness
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
prayed that they would be comfortable and that they would calmly
accept this transition.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
this person would no longer exist in physical form, and that
the memories were like illusions- that my present physical
body/experiencing is an illusion.
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
abandoning attachments to material objects/people,etc. and that
this opportunity is precious for gaining spiritual advice/wisdom
about the true nature of reality (i.e. emptiness)
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death is my spiritual guide and my companion, revealing to me all
of the obstacles that I need to overcome in order to progress along
my spiritual path.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
reading books, particularly Buddhism, in which I learned that the
nature of this world is suffering and loss- by letting go of my
attachments to this world I can find peace.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
effort, concentration, moral discipline, abandoning pride, abandoning
anger and developing patience and cherishing others.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be empathetic and mentally take the suffering of the dying and
dedicate all our own good fortune/happiness to them.
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
developed an understanding about karma- cause and effect- and that
every action we have performed in the past determines the type of
experience we have now.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to accept that every being around me is an emanation of my
spiritual guide, even my enemies and strangers- I had to learn to
cherish them just like my own mother.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is not unnatural, since death is such a reminder of the
impermanence of our physical bodies.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
cherish them more while they were alive.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
learn so much from them.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thought 'that could be me', and then I would no longer have this
precious opportunity for learning.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
knowledge and understanding
--Religious Affiliation:
Buddhism
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
the physical body and 'spirit' are empty of inherent existence from
their own side; it is the mental continuum that changes from one
life to the next.
--Regarding MONEY:
many people find that offering money is an respectable way to give
thanks and cope with release.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was traditional and it closed the process of dying.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I never cried or felt sad, but instead contemplated on the
impermanence of this life.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
being patient and accepting loss/suffering as a process of
purifucation/healing.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
when we descend into the subtle states of mind during death, we
may become acquainted with our spiritual guide/companion- unless
we begin to train in moral discipline, this will end when we take
a new rebirth.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
death is the natural process of gathering our winds as we experience
more subtle states of mind; in meditation we also experience the
same type of openness, as though our mind and our physical body
are separate entities.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
the karmic connection between the deceased and myself has ended
and we now have our own future karma to deal with.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I do not think it is possible for the deceased to return in a
visible form; we might have dreams or vivid appearances in our mind.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
remove their suffering and dedicate our own happiness and good
fortune.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
it is important to think that 'I could die today' and that we must
not waste this precious opportunity for learning.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
chanting rituals, that the dying will be reborn as a human or a god.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
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Fri Oct 18 20:34:58 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of In-Law, Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: .
--Details:
Completely taken by surprise...it was very unexpected and traumatic.
He did it in the car that was parked in the garage while the family
was in the house. He did not die right away, but lingered for a
few hours.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a continuation of life. It is a perfectly normal experience,
but thast doesn't make it easier to accept.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young, maybe 4 or 5. I didn't really understand what was
going on. All I remember is that I played with the other younger
relations who were at the funeral.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandparent died of cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the shock. As I said it was completely unexpected. I remeber
getting a call from my boyfriend (husband now) at 2:00am to come
over quickly. When I got there, there was a state trooper car parked
in the driveway. I remember feeling so unprepared as to what to
say to him, his mother, and his brother. I remember the frantic
drive to the hospital. We went so we could say goodbye to him.
I didn't go in the room. I didn't want to remember him that way.
I recall spending the night in the waiting room as the doctors
preformed the brain activity tests. And lastly, I remember helping
my husband scrub the bloodstains out of the driver's seat and the
floor mats. Even now, I cry when I think of it.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that all things are connected. We continue on, even without our
bodies. Death is not something to be feared. It is only the next
step in a cycle.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
spending time with the people that have passed on. By recalling
those memories, I have a feeling of bittersweey peace.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
writing in a journal.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the people that are left behind to wonder why.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
sit and pray with them. Let them know that everything will work out
and that they will be remembered and missed. But most importantly,
let them know that is it okay for them to leave. Those left behind
will find the strength to continue on.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories to hold
missed the person, memories made it harder
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Thu Oct 17 16:56:29 2002
F43 in Chatham, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo canada
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Prof/Studies: Developmental Service Worker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 22 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 47.
--Details:
smoking
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of existence on earth
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
developed an ulcer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
going to visit in the hospital and finding her room empty
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
whether there is life after death
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I found a sister that I did not know existed
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
nothing helped but the passage of time has lessened the pain
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing her
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
nobody should die alone
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
needed her
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
we could not see her after she died
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
no I did not
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her how much she meant to me
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
eventually regain my life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people rallied around
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the casket
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see old pictures
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
my kids would have a grandmother and I could care for her in old age
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why did God take her
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die myself
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
screamed
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
lacking in medical knowledge
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
there was very little
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
attending Sunday school
--Religious Affiliation:
Anglican
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right
--Regarding MONEY:
no issues
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the final viewing
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the funeral home
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of muscle functioning,delerium,shallow breathing
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I had no awareness of this
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
she died alone because I live out of town ans could not get there
quick enough.I now ensure that anybody that I know is dying,I make
sure someone will be there
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That I miss her very much.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
some pictures of my son showed a haze behind him and I could make
out my fathers face
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
everyone needs a will and do not ressusitate orders
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I constantly worry about my death as I have children.I would be an
emotional cripple if I found out.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Cared for the developmentally disabled for 25 years and treated
tem like family.Loving mother and wife,Avid gardener
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
medications
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I continue on antidepressants
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Prescription Drugs
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I needed to be alone
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it opened up old wounds
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
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Wed Oct 16 23:43:28 2002
M41 in Fort Madison, Iowa =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Paramedic
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
on death & dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Koobler ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Patient, 12 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Trauma; Aged: 24.
--Details:
Ran bycycle into the side of a moving car.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the stopping of all bodily funtctions.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was stunned.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
who young this child was and what she will miss out on in life.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is a natural proccess of life. As such we should not dwell on it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the child did not suffer. It was quick.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Working and dealing with other pt.'s that could be saved.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the family.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't be afraid to hold thier hand and let them know they are
not alone.
--[My Patient's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Talk to co-workers or family. Don't hold it in.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Deal with the family better.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
That I was able to comfort the child even if she could not hear me.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that a child so young be cheated out of life.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I can't believe it. She was talking to me 15 min. ago.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did all that could be done.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
little to me.
--Religious Affiliation:
caholic
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
DNR's should be followed to the persons wishes.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
He helped others in need and was a good person.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Keeping Busy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just to ask if I needed to talk or was alright.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed Oct 16 10:29:42 2002
M27 in Bucyrus, Kansas =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
WWW.YAHOO.COM
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Prof/Studies: None
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: smoking; Aged: 65.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is a part of life that we are certain of. We should not let it
worry us through life as to how we will die, but to when we will die.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried alot.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
That it was really hard to not cry.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it's part of life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I know I will my Grandmother again when I die.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The support I recieved from my family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That I wasn't able to be there to say Good-Bye!
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Let it them go!
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
That she was a very loving person who did alot during her life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Why I had to be gone when she died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never laughed.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be there when she died.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
See her before they buried her.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
They buried her and it all became so final.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
When they buried her.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see picutres of her.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be alot better off.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I couldn't have been there to say Good-Bye.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Shut it completely out of my brain.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was devistated.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
That they did all they could. But death is a part of life. And when
it's your turn to go there's delaying it.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
She did not have Hospice.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Alot.
--Religious Affiliation:
Non-Denominational
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that we all die the same way.
--Regarding MONEY:
I was not involved in that part of the death process.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it was a very humbling expierence.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
When they buried her.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The breathing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Praying.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
When they buried her.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have had numerous visions of her in dreams.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues. I know that she loved me in life and
continues to love me now.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
In a dream I heard her say that she still loves me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have had numerous dreams where she came back.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Financial stuff.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I believe in Reincarnation.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Tony Kerr
Was a good man. Loving person. Honest in ways people
usually were not aware. A family man. And young at heart.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
None.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Not really.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
None.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I hugged alot of her friends.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I was able to get it out.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
None.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tue Oct 15 18:56:42 2002
M46 in ont =canada=
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Found us by: [ Hospice ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 9 Years ago.
Cause of Death: lieukemia; Aged: 64.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of life in this human form but i hope not the end of my
mental presence
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried, it was unexpected, mostly because i gave no thought to death
at the time except in the abstract. i was young and had little
reason to
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it was my mothers death, i knew it was coming but avoided thinking
about it, found it hard to deal with. i wanted to do right by her,
but i know i didn't. my wife and my two sisters were by her side
constantly. i used work as an excuse to avoid being there as much
as i should have
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
more compassion is needed for those who are dying. they don't know
any more than we do about what is next and they can be fearful of the
situation. i'm not sure how to go about it but they need more comfort
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
there is nothing to be grateful for. my mother is gone and my best
friend is also gone and if i could change that and have both of
them back i would not hesitate
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my wife, my family, my friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the callousness of the whole thing. my mother did not deserve to die,
she was the salt of the earth. she lived for her family and died
too young to see her grandchildren grow up and her children mature
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
actually be present. my mother knew that i loved her but i'm sure she
would have liked to see more of me before she went. the same goes
for the death of my best friend. we had lost touch when he moved
and i was not aware of his situation. if i had been i think i could
have helped. he commited suicide when his wife left him. if i had
known he needed the help i would have insisted he come home with me
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my best friend took his own life because of that rotten woman he
married. she didn't really care for him
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i never felt the urge to laugh at either of these deaths there was
only sadness and there still is only sadness about their being gone
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my mother and that i had known the situation
my friend was in
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i met the man across the hall from my mother in the palliative care
unit. he was dying alone, no friends, no family and for the first
time i worried about my son being an only child
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a good friends father passed away last week and i heard people speak
of him and how he was loved by others it made me think of my mother
and how much i miss her and my friend both
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my mother should be dying
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
it doesn't, sometimes i have a little bubble and get on with life
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was shocked when i learned of my friend's death
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
there is good and bad. where she underwent treatment they didn't
seem to give a damn but the people in the palliative care unit were
outstanding and i feel gratful to them
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
as i said above, the people in the palliative care unit were
wonderful to my mother and to the family
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
for me it meant little. for my father it meant a brief return
to the church he had scorned for many years and perhaps a longer
lasting return to his original beliefs about god and the hope of
his existence
--Religious Affiliation:
i was raised catholic but i do not practice due to my philosophical
beliefs. the vatican is filled with priceless treasures which could
alleviate a lot of suffering and yet it is not being used for that
purpose. it seems a crime to me
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
true. god jehovah allah differing titles for the same presence i
hope. i can't see more than one creator, just people looking at it
from different angles
--Regarding MONEY:
it was not much of a concern thank god. we are not rich but were
able to provide a decent burial for my mother
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the support both offered and accepted by me and others
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the way some people reacted at my best friends funeral when i cried
openly and at great length. my sense of loss was great and due to
time and distance some of those in attendance had no idea who i
was. they were from his wifes side or relations of my friend i had
not met because he had moved home and we had lost contact
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
i just look to my wife and her nursing background for that
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
they require help too. it can be an overwhelming experience
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my mother dreamt about her father and mother before she died. was
this similar to the above description, i can't say
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i feel regret for losing contact with my best friend. it was pig
headed pride that caused it, i felt he was the one who should have
made the effort for some reason and it was only after he was gone
that i found out how often he had spoken of me and how he had felt
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would like to hear my mother say she understands that i did not
deal well with her impending death and that it is okay. i know it's
selfish but it would be easier to deal with.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my wife says this has happened to her. it has never happened to me
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
follow their wishes, it is their death and it should be at the time
and manner of their choosing if at all possible
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i don't think much about death. if i knew i was going to die soon i
would make sure to tell the people i love how i feel about them. what
more can you do. i tell my wife and my son i love them every day
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
that i cared about them deeply. that, like my best friends parents
i want only the best for them
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
time and tears, remembering them and visiting their graves
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i grew up a lot after my mother passed away. i became more resposible
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
when we were younger ny friends parents did not approve of me because
i did not belong to their church. afterwards they were very kind
to me and were gratified in knowing that i had loved their son so
much. they had been very strict in the upbringing of their children
and saw me as the type he should avoid. only later did they realize
that i was not a bad guy and only then did i realize that they
been doing the things they thought best and had only their sons
best interest at heart
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i know, and am grateful for the fact that my friends parents
appreciated my feeling of loss at the passing of their son. it helps
i think, to know that others feel deeply about the person you have
lost. it reinforces your feeling that this person was someone who
mattered, someone who was important to the life of people other
than themselves. i know it made me feel good about my mother to
hear others say how much she had meant to them
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes i believe it has. it has helped me to express myself in this
form. it hasn't brought up anything new but it always helps i've
found when you write things down
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Tue Oct 15 16:56:12 2002
F19 in Naazareth, Pennsylvania =United States=
Name: Jennifer Brown
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
i was searching for contests online and wound up here somehow
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Prof/Studies: unemployed
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 14 Years ago.
Cause of Death: disease; Aged: 7.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a part of life. We finally leave this world, in spirit, and move onto
a much better place-our true home. It is where we came from before
we were born into a shell (our physical body), and it is where we
go. We can either stay home for eternity, or be reborn. Depending
on the previous life we lived, it is our or our god's decision to
whether we need to go back or not. It is a cycle, enlightening our
souls each round.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was five years old, and it was my brother. At the time I could not
comprehend that I would never see him again in this part of my life.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being alone, without my brother to play with anymore. But I remember
my mom playing dolls with me. Both of my parents were always there
for me, even through their own grief.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is nothing to fear. Do we fear being born? No, it just
happens. And so does death, it is a part of life. You can not escape
it. When it comes it comes. But your spirit never dies.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I have wisdom towards this subject, which many young adults do
not have strength in. I am a stronger person, and can overcome any
obstacle. I also have a guardian angel to guide me and comfort me
in times of need.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
myself. I am a stubborn person, and I dont believe what people
say. Their thoughts may influence my beliefs, but it all has to
come from within me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not having an older brother anymore. watching kids his age graduating
high school, and other things he didnt get to do. and simply just
missing his presence.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
keep telling them you love them. tell them how they changed your
world.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
understand death as best as i can, being a human being. I also know
what is important in life. I am far from materialistic. Life is about
loving yourself and loving others. It doesnt last like this forever.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
what if there isnt a heaven? what if the bible is fake? who made
god? why was he here at all? why am I here? etc..
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
There is nothing wrong with laughter to me, dealing with death. It
happens to everyone, and it has to happen. I know that it is just
another stage of life. It seems sad here, but in the "big picture"
I really believe its nothing to cry about. We should be crying for
ourselves because we are stuck on earth yet.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
There is nothing I wish I could have done. My brother knew I loved
him and I knew he loved me. We had fun together in the time we spent.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Meet my brother and actually know him
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my brother was dying and he said to me and my mother that he just
saw Jesus
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
other people's happiness. we were so caught up in our own grief,
we didnt want to hear about anyone else's good life, or their
"small" problems
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have to talk about him to a counselor. or when im sitting alone
and looking at a picture of me and him together.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my brother had to die. why did this happen to me?
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
felt like I lost my best friend. All i could do was cry. I was too
young to really have a different reaction.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
I began contemplating the significance of the earth in the universe
at a very young age. I questioned everything about life
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? My Belief System
I contradicted any answer I ever came up with for myself, and was
left feeling lost
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Mon Oct 14 20:18:44 2002
F20 in Denton, Texas =US=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 1/2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: a wreck; Aged: 18.
--Details:
Hit head on by a drink driver. His mom lives but he and his little
sister did not make it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
The cessation of life. When a living organism no longer is breathing
and there is no brain function.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really young. i was in second grade and at the time i did
not understand what had happend to her. i just thought she went
somewhere and was going to be gone for a while.
--That first time, how it happened was
The first death that affected me was a friend in high school that
was killed by a drunk driver.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How angry i was at the other driver that had hit thier vehicle. Even
though he was killed too, i was mad at him and hoped that he got
what he deserved.
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
A very good support system.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Having faith and knowing that he is in a better place looking out
for all his loved one's.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The most support for me was my friends. There was a large group
of poeple that hung out supporting each other. We said rosaries
everyday.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Realizing that death was a reality. That he was so young and had
so many dreams he wanted to accompish.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Praying with them. Comforting them and making their last moments
non frightful.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Death happens what it feels like.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughter is the best medicine. I too found funny moments. We would
watch old football videos or i would think of funny moments when
he made me laugh. It seemed to out weigh the bad.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Go and see him the night he died. I was going to, but i just figured
i would see him the next day.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Get though the rest of the year.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i saw his family and how well they were dealing with it. It almost
seemed like they were handling it better than me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Making food.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
The anniversary comes around.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he and his siter was taken. He wanted to be a doctor to help
poeple. And now he will never have the chance.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Forget it all happend.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Was in total denial. I did not beleive my mother when she told me.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Pretty good standards
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Complete support. Without religion I don't know how i would get
through death.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Like a connection between people and is comforting to know that
everyone has that same common beleif.
--Regarding MONEY:
I remember poeple gave donations and we had fundraisers for this
particular family.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
There was not enough room for everyone that came to attend the
service.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Was viewing his body and watching it be lowered into the
ground. Knowing that he was right there in the casket and not coming
back out.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Was that he suposedly died instantly so no one know what he
experienced.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I was very fortunate to be able to resolve a tiff we had had just
a week before he died. And to this day I thankful that we talked
about it.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I think that i would have expressed more how much of a friend he
meant to me. And how much of a role model he was.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
When I am driving I sometimes have the feeling that he is loiking
down on me and watching over me. When I forget to put on my seatbelt,
I get this feeling or thought of him and then i realize that i need
to put it on.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I would hope that it said:
One that made other's laugh
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Our town had a candle light vigil on the football field where he
spent most of his time. It was amazing to see all the people there
that was effected by him.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I look at a picture of the two of us daily and remember why i
am school. If he was still here he would be encouraging me to do
my best.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have made a really good freind at my last job that possibly could
have been "set up". They remind me of eachother. That was one of
the first things i thought of when i first met my friend. They had
the same smile, which is what draws me to most poeple.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Friends and family support
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
Seeing reminders of him all over
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
A year afer his death, I helped his family in a fundraiser to raise
money for the scholarship they award high schoolers in his name.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has been very useful. One of the reason's i chose this
questionaire was to dig deep inside me and try to find honest
answers that would help my in the future. I did have a hard time
during high school sdjusting to his death, but now as time passes
i find it easier.These quetions helped to think of different angles
to think about death.
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Sun Oct 13 08:29:22 2002
F25 in dallas, texas =usa=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
class project of psychology
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Prof/Studies: cust . relations specialist/full time student(speech pathology)
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Holy Bibke
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
King James
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 6 Years ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 18.
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--Death Is:
hard to deal with. You have to understand that God has prpared a
special place for us to go when we die. It is better than earth
and one day we will see them again. Try not to cry because atleast
they are not suffering. They are doing better than us. You also
have to understand that if they were not saved, they are going
to suffer worse than we are on earth. Just pray that they got it
right withe God so that you can see them in Heaven.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
think I took it very well considering I had never had anyone
close to me to die ever in life. I cried but only for a while.
I knew that she (mu cousin) was okay. I just cried because I knew
i wouldn't see her again.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone standing around looking sad and not really cruing but
in shock. I was more concerned about what my grandmother was
feeling without her husband of almost 53years. I never thought I
wold miss my grandfather as much as I do. It has been year but is
seems like a day that he has been gone.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to cope with losing a loved one
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
they don't have to suffer and struggle with pain anymore!
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my beleif in God and his word
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that they are not coming back ever again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just make sure that everything is right between you both and make
sure they know you love them no matter what.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
dealt with it
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I found out that he was gone. The night before I was just visiting
with him and he was doing fine. I even tucked him in and we laughed
and joked like we use to. When I left his house, I didn't that it
woulf be my last time seeing him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sad, sas, sad
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
My beleif in God and what I was taught about death
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Sat Oct 12 19:32:56 2002
F21 in Boyd, TX =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
I am taking a developmental psychology class and this was an option
on a project that we had to do.
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Prof/Studies: Student
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More personal info:
I don not wish any of this information posted.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of cat, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 4.
--Details:
Somehow she had cancer in her nose and it ate up her nose and
eventually went to her brain. I grew up with this cat and she was
my best friend. She died painfully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Death is a happy and a sad time in a person's life where the
person/pet is no longer with you. It may be for the good such
as if they are sick and they are hurting, and sometimes it is bad
such as an unexpected death. It hurts worse if this person/pet is
extreamely loved.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The most significant death that I think affected me was, a couple
at church had a son that was on emergiencty care in the hospital.
He was on respirators and was kept alive by breathing machines.
I didn't know this family really well and my dad is church councel
president and when the son finally died my dad had to help with the
funeral. He asked my to help him and I did. I didn't think that
this funeral could affect me because I knew about what had happened.
At the funeral I took it ok even when I saw the casket and heard
the family and the pastor cry. It didn't hit me later until I
went to a youth group lock-in and we sang a song about children.
Their son was 1 month old!
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Just to have a belief system. In many cultures people know that
thei loved one is safe and that someday they will reunite with them.
In my culture peole think its the end of the world and that they
will never see them again.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I understand what to expect at funerals and I know how to keep
my emotions under controll when I need to do something that needs
to get done first. At least I have experienced some death before
I have someone that is really close such as a parent die.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My parents
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my cat- loosing my best friend
the baby- seeing someone so small
that never even got out of the hospital and never experienced life
die before his parents eyes.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Never watched someone die
--[My cat's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
You never forget them, they are never really gone. THey will live
forever in your memoried. Also, take pictures, they come in handy
if you are lonely. Do this before they are gone.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't understand why this had to happen.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
never had an urge to laugh
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Be nicer to my cat, and tell her that I loved her more and take
pictures. SHe now lives only what I can remember of her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
SHare my life with her, and she was apart of my life.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my uncle picked out a casket for my great grand father, he took into
consderation on what my grandfather would have liked, even though
it wasn't the prettiest casket out there. I think that ment alot
to my grand father even though he couldn't express himself.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how fancy things are supposed to be.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of my dog that is getting old, what it would be like with out
her since I raised her from a puppy and she has been my best friend.
She is my dog, she picked me for an owner.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would be nicer to my cat and give her more attention
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the young have to die so early
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried, I didn't understand why or where they went.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
ok standards
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Friends that I could turn to and share my emotions
--Religious Affiliation:
church-God
--Regarding MONEY:
For me it was my cat that died and we burried her in our pasture
behind the barn and had a small funeral and marked her grave on
the barn. It was a way of reminding me that she was still there.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that everone was sad
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when the person is ready to die, when they are ready to give up,
or they turn yellow.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I hold my emotions in and then when I have time alone I cry
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My cat hasn't came back to me in full body, but I noticed that there
were characteristics in my new cats thatI had got and I felt really
peacefull knowing that my cat was there.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I wish that I had a chance to say goodbye. But since she was my
favorite cat, I don't think that I will ever forget her.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wish that I could hear her say I love you, but since I don't
understand cat language... I think it would help me on closure.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
What does the dying person want as last wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I haven't given much thought to it. But I would want to say goodbye
to everyone and tell them that I love them even my pets.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Thats a scary thought.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
going out and visiting her grave.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I think that I have a closer relationship with all of my animals
and I tell them goodbye if I am ever away for more that a couple
of hours, just in cas I won't see them again.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
I still remember her and still occationally cry.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Another Death
Another of my favorite cats died soon thereafter of cancer too,
except this time it ate off her ear.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think that it was helpful to think about things and maybe see them
in a new light. This experience was a little sadnig though because
my mom just lost her cat, which was the sister to the cat I had lost.
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Fri Oct 11 20:32:25 2002
F17 in Church Poin, Louisiana =USA=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
Yahoo
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 10 Months ago.
Cause of Death: numerous things, mostly sickness; Aged: 83.
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--Death Is:
when a person isn't coming back again, you lose them physically
but you don't lose them in your heart and soul. YOu get to keep
all the memories that you had with them.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really depressed. I didn't really know how to react.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how it brought the rest of us closer together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
having my brother there.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing I've never really told him I loved him and not remembering
anything about him from my childhood.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldn't move, didn't want to leave the funeral home, and although
I didn't want to be around people I really didn't want to be alone.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories to hold
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Fri Oct 11 16:36:11 2002
F18 in buffalo, NY =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
required in a project for my developmental Psychology class
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Prof/Studies: Nursing student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Teacher, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: rafting accident; Aged: some where in his 40's.
--Details:
My current at that time was with him, when it happened and tried
to save him. There were cameras everywhere just trying to get you
on film if you were crying. It was one of my first experiences
with death.when
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when it is time for a living thing to leave this existence and
everyone and everything around it for good and start over again in
some other existence.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
in high school, and it was one of my teachers from my first year. I
always still came to say hi, and have a conversation here and there.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
when I saw my friend Christina cry for the first time, and I couldn't
help but cry with her.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
sometimes a person would rather die just avoid suffering.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my music.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
being the only person that would not go to the funerals because I
don't deal with death that way, but I still feel guilt for it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
that every thing has a purpose. It may seem that it doesn't but
it all works out in the end, and that now that person is in a
better place.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
one of my friends died in a fire, and sufficated on carbon dioxide,
but would smoke cigarettes because of the carbon dioxide.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I can't control my actions, everyone deals with deal their own way.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to see him one more time, and just have fun at my friend Katies's
house.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the day of his funeral it was raining all day.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when I drive by the cemetary where he's buried.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that some people barely get to enjoy life dying do young, and then
other people sit around until they are like 100 years old and do
nothing with their lives.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
could have called him that day and told him to go to the grocery
store with his mother.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
they must have made a mistake, and it was another Billy.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
nothing, he died before he even made it to the hospital.
--Religious Affiliation:
experimenting in forms of polytheism, nature, and reincarnation.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I could be a crying mess for one death, but when my friend died I
never cried.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I am not going to be resolved until I visit his grave. I haven't
visited him since he died, i feel I owe him that.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My grandfather died when I was too young to understand. When we
moved into the house that he and my grandmother use to live in
weird things whould happen. there would be impressions on teh bed
while you were sleeping like someone was sitting next to you, and
when ever my dad got mad the lamp would lower so he would hit his
head on it. I think he's just looking out for us.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would never want to know, I think I would be so intent on trying
to avoid it that I would forget to enjoy the life I still had left.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She was a daughter. A trouble maker, but always there when you
needed her. Always cared for her family and friends and would die
for them. She tried to live her life to fullest and was open to
new experiences. She wasn't afraid to speak her mind and not take
any crap form anyone. She was proud to be unique, and be herself
no matter what anyone said. She wanted to help people and be a
nurse. she already has. She doesn't need a degree to help those
close to her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
Sharing the pain with other friends.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Another Death
It's happening more and more as I get older more people are leaving
me too soon.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It gave me a chance to just look back on some experiences I hadn't
looked at in a long time. It was a chance to reflect.
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Fri Oct 11 13:27:43 2002
F58 in Corpus Christi, Texas =USA=
Name: Judy Hale
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
All Kubler-Ross writings
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 15 Years ago.
Cause of Death: complications from heart surgery; Aged: 19.
--Details:
He had WPW syndrome for which he was taking medication. As he
got older he didn't want to be taking drugs the rest of his life.
He had certain life goals that required good physical health.
Surgery could be done to obliterate the extra pathways around
his heart. We traveled several hundred miles to a hospital that
could do this type of procedure. Electrophyiological studies were
done and instead of one pathway around the outside of his heart,
as suspected before, there were three pathways. One was in back of
the heart and could only be obliterated through open heart surgery.
He had the surgery on Thursday, Aug. 6, by Saturday he begin to run
a fever. Everything when down hill with one trauma after another
to his young body. Finally he could no longer fight the infection
and he was removed from life support on Wednesday, August 12.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of physical life as we know it. Our consciousness, our
true essence of who we are, moves to a non-physical reality.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was about about three years old. An old relative died and I
was taken to the funeral and lifted up to look in the casket at
the old woman. I remember being very curious. The first time I
experienced the dying process was with my son.
--That first time, how it happened was
My son died from complications of heart surgery. Infection set in
and he died within 6 days of the surgery. Going into the surgery
he was and active healthy 19 year old with a heart defect that
could be corrected with surgery. Then he could pursue his goals
in law enforcement.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I just wanted to die. The pain was so bad, the only way not to
feel it was to die myself.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is another phase of life. It is only the end of this reality
but not the end of life. When we were born, it was the end of our
two demenional reality. Death needs to be honored.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
as the life support systems were turned off and as the machine gave
my son his last breath, he very gently raised my had, which was
holding his, and squeezed it, and gently layed it back on the bed.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking with friends and support groups helped a lot in the
beginning. One movie actually helped me through the grieving process
because it was my story. The movie was Steel Magnolias. Even some
of the dialogue was the same. I just watched that movie over and
over again until I could finally watch it without crying and then
one day, I actually started to laugh at Shirley MacClain's character.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Dealing my family. No one could deal with my grief.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just be "present with them". This is their process that we are
honored to be present for.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned so much about spirit and spirituality since his death.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I realized that this was really happening
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
become a grandmother
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have had the support I had from friends, especially when I just
wanted to die.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
a tear ran down my son's face. The doctors were in the room with us,
telling me it was time to turn off the life support. Although my
son was comotose, and as the conversation was taking place, a tear
ran down his face. I pointed it out to the doctors and they said
it was just fluid seeping out because he was so toxic and swollen.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
that they assure me that it was God's well.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I start feeling sorry for myself that I will never see him get
married, never be a grandmother, never see him as a grown man with
a family.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would still have a family. I would know what being a grandmother
was like, what being a mother-in-law was like, and what being the
mother of an adult son was like.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone so young, just starting to plan their life have to die.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
skip Christmas
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
unacceptable
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
NOTHING but a detriment
--Religious Affiliation:
past - Baptist, converted to Catholism.
Current - No religious
affiliation
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very real
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I was not even conscious of what was really happening. I was at
the front door to meet and great those attending and I was very numb.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
being so numb
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I went through each stage several times before reaching any form
of acceptance. There is no right or wrong way and no steps 1, 2, 3.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Just after my son died, I begin having dreams that were continuous
and started with his death and over a period of months went all the
way back to his birth. Then I started haveing dreams of him as
he was just before he died. On one occasion I was visiting with
my mother and was telling her about a dream I had where Todd was
looking out the living room window, calling to me in the back yard.
My mother gasp because she said she had had the same dream on the
same night - of him calling to me through the window. The last dream
I had of Todd was several years ago. We were in some shopping mall,
someplace - certainly not locally. There were big beautiful flowers
and vines everwhere. The feel of the place was just wonderful.
Before he died, when we went shopping together, it was to get
what he wanted and then he was ready to go. In the dream, it was
totally different. I was in a tiny little shop looking at things
and Todd came up tapped me on the shoulder and said "Mom, are you
ready to go" My reply was "No". He left. A while later, I was
in another shop and he came and tapped me on the shoulder again.
(Don't know how he found me because I didn't tell him where I
was going) He said "Mom, are you ready to go". Again I replied
"No". Finally, I must has gotten tired, because I went from the
shops to the mall and sat down on a bench. I was really enjoying
the beautiful greenery and flowers and he came up and tapped me
on the shoulder again and said again, "Mom, are you ready to go".
For the third time my reply was "No". Then he said "O.K. when you
are ready I will be ... " -- I woke up. I was upset for days and
tried to go back into the dream to find out where he would BE.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
During the dying process all the right & wishes should be honored.
After the death, the person who died certainly doesn't care.
As for any estate left behind, the will of the deceased should
carry out their wishes
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would like it to be quiet, with certain friends with me and
with rituals.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I wasn't always what I seemed.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I keep an "open letter" journal to my son.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
My life has changed so significantly since my son died. The rituals
I keep now is lighting a candle by his picture and burning it for 24
hours on his birthday. I keep a milargo of the heart with a sword
through it by his picture, indicating that this mothers heart will
always be pierced and scared.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
Talking about him a lot and crying a lot also helped
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
people telling me it was God's will and not to grieve openly because
Todd wouldn't have wanted that.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
A few years after Todd died, I begin volunteering at a hospice to
be with mothers who had lost or were losing children. Since I have
had contact with many mothers who have lost children. I am able
to be with them during their grief.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Even thought it has been 15 years, it is still enlightening and
helpful to go back and tell the story again.
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Fri Oct 11 10:37:47 2002
M32 in buffalo, ny =usa=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
developmental psychology course -at- school
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Prof/Studies: student
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
a grief observed
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
C.S. Lewis
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, many Years ago.
Cause of Death: short term illness; Aged: around 70.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the one thing no human can avoid. it is when our physical bodies
cease to function due to damage of some sort or a breakdown of
chemistry and physics within the system that animates us.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
don't think it had very much of an impact since I see it as an
inevitable consequence of being alive
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how little emotional effect it had on me then and still when I lose
people I know.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it may not be as bad as it seems, but then I can't say that with
any real certainty myself
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I have been given many perspectives on how to deal with such a
situation and some of them are reassuring
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a sense of knowing it was probably not that bad
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being certain what it was
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just let them know that they are not alone
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to confront the fear of other people, who when not exposed
to an immediate death seem so confident, then when looking in the
face of death, they lose all their confidence/faith/fearlessness
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with the person, but I guess that is what we would
want for ourselves
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
you had even the smallest contact with the person who knows they
are going to die, and had some interaction with them
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
talking about an afterlife to the living, unless it is coming from
someone who is just as close to their own death.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
reminiscing is good so long as you can accept reality
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
utilitarianism, they did what they could do to put off the inevitable
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a good support system for those who grieve and need some assurance
that their loved one is 'safe'
--Religious Affiliation:
lutheran
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a community of the living in that whether we want to or not,
we are all going to participate in the process
--Regarding MONEY:
it was not all that important, thank God. Nothing is more sickening
than seeing how petty people can be.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it helped bring a sense of closure
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
some possible confusion/hallucinations experienced by the dying
person
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I think that hearing from that person in such a way that it seemed
real would be too creepy
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
attend first to the dying, then to yourself, what could be worse
than be selfish while someone else is dying
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
my biggest fear may not be dying itself, but the lack of CERTAINTY
as to what comes next. the idea of heaven sounds good at times,
but infinity sounds excruciating, even if it is blissful
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
other people would be better judges of my character than I would. if
I wrote my obituary I would probably end up making it comic,
one last laugh before I go.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
reminiscing with others that were close to the deceased
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Zoning Out
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I don't communicate or express feelings very well, so I often feel
that its better to not reach out, lest I make the situation worse
than it already is.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it has allowed for some good reflection
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Thu Oct 10 19:02:35 2002
F48 in Coos Bay, OR =USA=
Name: Karla
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
google: bardo death
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Prof/Studies: CEO
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
tibetan book of dying and death
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
robert thurman
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, today Hours ago.
Cause of Death: pneumonia; Aged: .
--Details:
she died in the hospital in Germany and I could not come to see
her in time. but good byes had been said and I still felt guilty,
but she came to me at her dying time, laughed and called my name
and hugged me so tightly. showered me with complete love
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
seizing to exist in the physical realm with a physical body
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was scared and confused
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how much love and happiness and kindness she gave me, even in her
moment of death on another continent
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
accept it as a part of life, the only thing we can be sure of. not
trying to avoid thinking and talking about it but rather preparing
for it
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my dad and my mom both appeared to me in a "dream" after they died,
and I knew they were ok and everything was going to be alright for
them and for me
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Yoga and meditation, family support, support of friends and buddhist
practise
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing I would never hear their voice and feel their love again
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
try to help them go easy and don't cling. help them to release
their attachments to the physical world. it's not about you. you
will miss them of course, but you got to let them go.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
nothing is ever lost. not even in physics. it's either matter
or energy.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it took so long and there was so much suffering involved
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
she wouldn't have wanted to see me sad
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I hadn't listened to her doctors to wait but just went over
to Germany as long as there was time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have the last goodbye at the moment she died. we had talked about
it for some years, but I'm so happy she was able to do this. first
I second guessed it, maybe wishful thinking, but her doctor neaarly
dropped the phone when I told him the exact time she had died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
she said to my aunt: I must sleep now so I can go and see Karla
(me)
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
don't know
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at her picture where she laughs, just like she did when she
came to me
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
not much
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she has to suffer so much. I wish dying was easier for her
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back in time to make things easier for her
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
never to be able to talk to her again. I had called her twice
per week.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
got to be restrained from doing too much if soemone is about to
die. had to fight the doctors for intervening in spite of living will
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Buddhism
--Religious Affiliation:
Buddhist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
there is no end, it's not over
--Regarding MONEY:
couldn't get a flight out within 1 or 2 days
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my dad's funeral:
felt empty. it's just physical waste not the
being you bury
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the administrative and organizational impacts of dealing with
somebody's death
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
was not there
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
comes like waves, soemtimes you can surf it, soemtimes you'll have
your head underwater
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I think it's boddhisattvas/angels disguising as loved ones who
had previously died, in order not to scare the dying person but to
comfort and help them along
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
had a NDE when I ODed in my 20s. was sent back because I had
a purpose.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no unresolved issues! always talked very openly about death with
my mom
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I am so sorry that I could not come to see you in time although
you said you didn't want me too. but it's ok. things are the way
they are. sometimes there is no "right", but there's also no "wrong"
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my dad came back in a dream about 6 or 8 hours after his death and
was packing a suitcase and I said: but you're dead. and he said. yes,
but I'm ok now and fine, you know I have to go. tell your mom I'm
ok
my mom came to me in a dream at the time of her death and
Laughed loud and happy and exuded so much love and happiness it
still makes me cry from joy that she is so happy now
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
doctors should not see death as the ultimate enemy but let people
die in peace if circumstance warrants this. not fight it with all
weapons to the last minute
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think about death a lot, it's an important part of life. I am
still very attached, especially to my family and my cats, though
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
she was kind to animals and a lot of people
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
taking care of things. doing buddhist practice in order to make
her afterlife easier and give her a good rebirth
letting go
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
prepare for my own death by buddhist practice
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes, was in a Yoga retreat when my mom deteriorated.
found 2
possible new friends
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
too young to understand
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
talk about it openly. listen with an open heart
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
has been healing to share, maybe I can help soemone else in the
process
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Wed Oct 9 13:47:34 2002
F19 in greensboro, nc =usa=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
my class was assigned a poroject that i din't feel comfortable doing.
So my teacher gave me a alternate assingment where i had to complete
four surveys
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 1998 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer in the liver; Aged: 58.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A part of life. Some are afraid of it and some know that it's life
and theres no way around it. Death is when you are no loner living.
You are no loner breathing and sensing. Death is when you have been
separted from this world.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I was a in the tenth grade and I knew about death but reaaly hadn't
experienced someone close dieng. I think that i was strong but
what was really hard was the realization of the whole thing.
Knowing my gradnmother was no longer with me was mind bottling.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Is the my surroundings. It was daylight, pretty outside and warm.
My mom's sister came over with her family. my unlce who is a
minister came in and talked to us. All of the children were in
the family room and the adults were in my grandmother's room.
My gradnmother called for me and i went in and she just wanted to
hold my hand. Then she called all of the other children in there.
After that a few minutes later i heard my mother and aunt calling
her name. Then my mother came back into the family room where the
children were and told us that grandma was gone. i just zsoned
out and started praying and crying. All i could do was rock back
and forth. Everything seemed different. All of the other crying
and words just seemed to echo in my head.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that life needs to be cherished
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I had a wonderful grandmother
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being by my self and crying helped
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that i will never be with her agian
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just consoke the person and let them know that it was meant to be
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
to never take a day for granted and always be thatnkful of who you
share life with because one day they may be gone
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
it wasn't confusing
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to say goodbye abd i love you
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there and help others
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
at the funeral i ws very disappionted my grandmother didn't look
like her self
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
prayed
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
every thing the Lord knew what he ws doing and it was the rifht time
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding MONEY:
it wasn't a problem
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my grand mother not lokkin g the way she suppose to
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
going back in my grandmother's room
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
i wouldn't want to do that
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i cry
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i respect my grandmothers wishes she wanted me to be happy and obey
my mother and do the right things in life
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
I find my self talking to her. She's in heaven and i know that
she hears me
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
my mother got sick emotionally and it caused her to have a nervous
breakdown
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i don't know
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
i'm crying as i type it makes me remember those days
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Tue Oct 8 13:28:56 2002
F47 in Buffalo, NY =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
was doing a search on death and dying
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Prof/Studies: Residency Coordinator SUNY Buffalo Radiology Program
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
On Death and Dying, Crossing Over
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, John Edward
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 17 Years ago.
Cause of Death: airplane crash, possible terrorist bombing; Aged: 26.
--Details:
Charter aircraft carrying 248 military personnel and eight flight
crew. I was a flight attendant for the airline at the time,
so there was even more trauma than losing my closest friend.
All eight crewmembers were good friends, and my best friend was
more like a little sister.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the passing of energy from this world to the next, leaving the
physical body behind. The spirit continues.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and only understood that all the adults in my life
were terribly upset. I knew that supposedly my grandma was with
God, but I wondered why, if this was such a happy thing for my
grandmother, all the adults were so distraught.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Unbearable sadness, anger that it happened, anger at God, anger at
the rest of the world for trying to blame my airline rather than face
the possibility of terrorism (seems especially significant nowadays).
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Letting go. How absurd to dress up a corpse, apply make-up, and
talk about how "wonderful" he or she looks!
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
visits. I have another very dear friend who passed from AIDS.
He and I did not speak close to his death, but I feel he came to
me in dreams to finish our business and then say good-bye. He was
the biggest support to me after my friend died in the plane crash,
and he knew I would need to hear from him. Truly, I will always
be grateful.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Support from friends, and getting busy again.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The reaction of the public to the plane crash.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Step outside yourself and your own needs. I sat with a dying
friend on the last day of his life. He was 84 years old and had
been suffering for some time. On that last day he was burning up
with fever and I merely helped his nurses to sponge his hot body,
held his hand, continued to talk to him and tell him not to stay
on my account.
--[My Best Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I suppose I learned that I can survive such a terrible loss.
I never wanted that kind of strength, but it's good to know it's
in me. When my 84 year-old friend died, I also found a generosity
within me that I didn't know existed. Throughout his illness I
spent many, many hours at his bedside. We found a closeness in
that time we would not have had otherwise.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was never confused. Just sad.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Nope, didn't laugh. Got really numb for awhile, but never had the
urge to laugh. Got really forgetful, too. Still, not funny.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
nope, nothing. This friendship was a blessing in its openness.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Comfort my girlfriend's mom. We'd never met, but my girlfriend
had told each of us so much about the other, we were completely
comfortable with each other when we did meet. And, through the
years, I have been able to be a source of support and comfort for
"Mom."
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Ruthie said "good-bye" that day (as I mentioned above). Her spirit
just faded away from me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
can't think of anything.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Well, for obvious reasons, plane crashes upset me, and the attacks
of 9/11 brought unbearable pain.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Yes, I think of that often. I have a daughter named after my
girlfriend. I wonder if my girfriend's children would have been
playing with my child.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Fair? 246 people dead in a heartbeat? You're right, I don't think
it's fair.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Go back and visit, one more day, one more hour...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
At first I thought it was a cargo flt. I was sure no passenger
flight was scheduled. I ran to get my flt schedule and, from out
of nowhere, I KNEW my friend was dead.
For three days after the
crash, my girlfriend came to me in small ways. On the last day,
I felt her leave, and that is when her death "hit me."
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
not applicable
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
The ritual, the wake and funeral. I am most helped by music.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic, but I have some opinions that Holy Mother Church
might not appreciate. For one thing, I strongly believe in
reincarnation.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Like a leveling ground. Since none of us really knows what the
afterlife involves, I like to believe we will all find contentment
and peace, regardless of religious beliefs. Of course, I wonder
how atheists feel!
--Regarding MONEY:
n/a
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
For my best friend's funeral, it was: HUGE. So many mourners.
A 50-car police escort because she was a member of the auxiliary
police. The press. Her funeral received national attention, due
to the plane crash. Her idiot fiance who tried to hog the cameras
and acted as though he alone suffered any loss.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Not seeing her body; not knowing what was in that closed coffin.
It took 3 weeks before her body was identified and flown home and
not even her family was allowed to see her remains. For the longest
time her dad refused to believe it was her body, he just said she
was hanging in a tree up at the crash site and someone was going
to find her and bring her home.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
From watching my 84 year-old friend deteriorate, and my AIDS friend,
I suppose it is the body growing weaker, more frail. The mind goes,
too; someone so ill has trouble concentrating. Illness makes one
crabby and impatient.
Appetite fails, eyesight can weaken.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
If you have the opportunity to spend time with a loved one who
is dying, you can appreciate those last days - right there in
the moment. You have the amazing gift of helping this loved one
pass more easily.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Please see above. I have had many visits from friends who have
passed away.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I had no unresolved issues w/my best friend.
For my friend who
died from AIDS, I feel guilty that I didn't visit him closer to
the time of his death. Losing him made me resolve to never again
ignore a friend's wishes, to be selfish, to put off taking care of
someone I love. I think that's why I was so easily able to spend
a lot of time with the older gentleman when he was dying (see above).
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would love for Ruthie to tell me dying in the plane crash wasn't
horrible, even though that'd be a big fat lie. I'd love to know
for sure that she sees me now, sees my daughter (her namesake)
and watches out for us.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Mine are all in dreams. My friend who died from AIDS would come
in my dreams to fly me around the bedroom!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
You have to make your wishes known regarding extraordinary measures,
DNR's, living wills, organ donations, etc. Family members can't be
expected to think clearly at a time of grave illness or sudden death.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Oh, my. I don't know that I'd want to have that information.
I hope I have learned the lessons I am meant to learn from my life's
experiences, and that the Maker will look kindly on my efforts when
I pass to the next world.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I'd always want people to know I'm a wife and mom. And, even though
I left flying when my daughter was born, my airline years defined
who I am and so I would like to share that, too.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Nope, don't have any.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I just talk to my friends, or remember them in my own way.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
n/a
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Family support, support of friends
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
Unexpected death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Since I was working as a flight attendant at the time of my best
friend's death, I immersed myself in my work. I tried very hard
to be sure my passengers had a lovely experience. It was more
than customer service; it was a personal commitment to their peace
of mind.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I enjoyed your thought-provoking questions.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
n/a
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Mon Oct 7 18:11:51 2002
F31 in Frisco, TX =USA=
Name: Lisa Jordan
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Projecs assn. choice from Psych dept., TWU, Denton, TX
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Prof/Studies: Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 9 Years ago.
Cause of Death: combat in Mogadishu, Somalia; Aged: 22.
--Details:
Cpl. Jamie Smith, of Bravo Company, 1st. Batt., 75th Ranger Regiment,
was a friend of mine. We met in jump school and went on to the
Rangers from there. He was shot during the Battle of Mogadishu.
The battle and his death were fairly well protrayed in the movie
"Black Hawk Down."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When the brain is deprived of oxygen, or has a sufficient portion
of it damaged or destroyed, it ceases to function. Without the
brain, the other life-supporting organs cease to function, cellular
reproduction stops, and all body systems cease. While many things
can cause deprivation of oxygen to the brain, such as massive
bleeding, heart attack, asphyxiation, etc., it is usually the actual
lack of oxygen to the brain that causes death
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was a small child
--That first time, how it happened was
My paternal grandfather died of cancer when I was five or six.
I didn't know him that well, being so young, and I remember that
I didn't really understand what was going on. All I knew was
that there were a bunch of people I didn't know around, and some
of them seemed sad. I think I understood that grandpa was dead,
but I just didn't see what the big deal was.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
anger that some skinny little Somali bastard would dare to take
the life of another Ranger.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Religious influences are the single greatest cause of the
misunderstandings about, and fear of, death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My own beliefs about death
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the reactions of others
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Remind them that it is not an end of things, but just a change of
perception, of point of view.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Things in death ARE clean, clear, and understandable... if one has
the presence to see it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It's not limited to my friend's death. And soldier who has been in
combat has experienced the absurdity of it all. You can't control
who gets shot and who doesn't, who dies or why... it's just war.
Sometimes you have to laugh at it, else risk losing your humanity
all together
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have been there, to fight by his side. Maybe things would
be different. Maybe I would have been killed instead of him.
Maybe I would have had the chance to hold his hand as he bled,
and comfort him with my beliefs about death.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
the anneversary of his death comes around. I remember the good
times we had, how we helped each other through the tough times. I
cry for my loss. It's selfish, but I do it anyway.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was angry that a relatively simple mission degraded into unwarranted
chaos, all because the politicians would not authourize the proper
support measures. That led directly to the death of my friend and
18 other soldiers.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
My developed understanding of spirituality, removed from structured
religion, allows me to see death as nothing but another change in
a soul's cycle. Certainly nothing to be feared.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
Before I developed my own spiritual beliefs, the standard
Judeo-Christian idea of "damnation" made me fear death.
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Sun Oct 6 22:12:33 2002
F40 in ar =usa=
Name: Tammy
Email: <hook-at-cox-internet.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
final gifts
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 72.
--Details:
suffered for 18 mo.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
leaving your loved ones lonely. But, the dying is going to a
wonderful place to be with other loved ones.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't have time to mourne my Grandmothers death. My father was
dying at the same time with cancer.
--That first time, how it happened was
grandmother, cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
see the pain in his eyes all the while him denying that he was
hurting to comfort me.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it can be a precious memory.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the sence of peace that came on Dads face just moments before
he passed. All the pain was gone and only a look of peace and
comfort was left.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family & friends. some Books
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
missing Dad and knowing Mom was going to be even lonlier that I
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know it is ok to go and that you love them.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
got excited for him when he was talking to loved ones that had
passed away before him.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
he continued to live for 4 days after they gave him only minutes
to live. I later realized he was waiting on his Grandson (my
oldest child and his favorite) to get there from out of town.
He died only minutes after his arrival.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
talk about things with him. It was always just "understood".
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
hold his hand and sing to him his favorite hymns just hours before
he passed.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Dad was in a coma and the preacher came to pray with him and during
the prayer he reached and grabbed the preachers hand.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
My Mom is dying of cancer only being diagnosed for 2 weeks and she
only has 2-3 weeks left. She is going soooo fast. It really brings
back the memories of dads death so strongly.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that the 3 adults closest to me have/are dying from the dreaded
disease called cancer. It also creates a lot of worry for my
husband and children that I might be next.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
wake up from this nightmare.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
how will Mom make it alone. She will be so lonely with me living
out of town.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
surprise. They can create babies in a test tube from 2 sells,
yet they can't always find a permanent stop for cancer cells.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very brief with Dad but so far with Mom, they have been wonderful.
Very comforting to Mom. She was afraid that they would tell her when
she could or couldn't take pain meds or try to go on supported life.
They did neither. Only was concerned with Moms wishes.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a great comfort.
--Religious Affiliation:
baptist
--Regarding MONEY:
Dad made sure that Mom was taken care of.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the massive croud. I always knew that Dad was well liked but it
made me so proud to see all of the friends and coworkers,past and
present that attended.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
talking to the people that have already passed.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
shallow breathing, blue finger nails, weak pulse.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
He was telling them how to arrange the furniture to make room
for him. He had several long time buddies that had passed before
him and he called them the gang. He was telling the gang where to
put the furniture.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no unresolved issues. I know how much he loved me and he knew that
I loved him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My father in law died and a few weeks after his death he came to my
husband during the night. He sat on the bed and woke up my husband.
My husband said he sat up and was wide awake and could even smell
his dad's cologne. His Dad told him that he was fine and to take
care of his Mom and me.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
where they want to be and who they want there. There doesn't need
to be anyone there that has harsh feelings toward the loved one.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I just don't want my family to worry about me. I don't wnat to be
a burden on them.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Another Death
fathers death, cancer
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
a local support group for grieving
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes, hopefully it will help get more info on the subject out and
readily available on the internet. It is the only sorce for some
caregivers. The only source that is there 24/7
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Sun Oct 6 19:19:07 2002
F13 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: massive heartattack; Aged: 47.
--Details:
He was outside cutting the grass on a very humid day, and he just
fell over.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of a person. Their soul is and spirt is still here with
you but their body isn't. Death is like as though someone left on
a trip, they're not physcially there but their thoughts are wtih you.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
actually hoped for it. Now after my uncles dead, I wish he was
still here. I was way to young to realize what happened though
because I was only five.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
lot's of crying, lot's of comfort, lot's of people thinging it wasn't
real, that we were all in a dream ands we'll wake up any minute.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to cope with it and how to get over it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
absoulty nothing.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a silly little bop-it toy. It hellped to pass the long hours. (I
was only 9 at the time too.)
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
trying to realize it was reality.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I'm not sure, I never had to do that. I wouldn't want someone
reminding me I was dying by saying things like, you'll be happier
now or you'll be better off.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
went on with life. You can't live in the past. Don't ever think what
could have I done to prevent it. Because you can't even if there
was a way to prevent it you can't go back. Try to learn to move on.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Everything. There was not one time I understood anything and I
still don't.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
you need to take your mind off all the problems and relax; take a
minute to breath and clear your head.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say "I love you daddy"
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I am thankful everyone came to help us out. I am actually offened
by the statement "some things went so much better than I ever had
imagined possible" because it didn't.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I'm not sure.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Everything seemed equaly important.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
First of all I never think I'm over it, and never will. Yes, I tend
to cry when I think about it.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My mom won't be with an a*s. I would be skinner and more behavied.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Yes.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
It's not true. He can't be dead. Don't lie to me. It's not
funny. Then a lot of crying and confussion.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
that, that sucks. It took the ambulance an hour to get here and we
live maybe a 1/2 mile away.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
Nothing really helped, you just got to learn to move on.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? People's Stories, etc.
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Sun Oct 6 15:57:07 2002
F20 in buffalo, ny =usa=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
class project for developmental psychology
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Prof/Studies: psychology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 9 Years ago.
Cause of Death: nautral causes; Aged: 91.
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--Death Is:
when a person passes away and go into another world.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was only 11 years old and going through a hard tome myself.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone crying and trying to get funral arrangements together.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
death do not have to a sad thing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my family became very close.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my mother and my sister helping me out.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
show them how much you care for them and tell them you love them
daily.
--[My Great GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
i learned that life is too short and we should enjoy everyday like
s its our last.
--Regarding MONEY:
the cost of the funeral.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
everyone was crying.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
when we placed my great grandmother in the ground.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
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Sat Oct 5 19:27:54 2002
F18 in texas =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 7.5 Hours ago.
Cause of Death: natural causes; Aged: 87.
--Details:
Once again my family will be overreacting and I will be perceived
as callous when I am simply accepting the fact that it was time.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when biological functions cease automation and our spirit leaves.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was at home while my family was at the hospital, they thought I was
too young to understand and that I would be fine at home by myself.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Everyone else crying
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is a naturally occuring phenomanon when it is of natural
causes and sad only when it is before their time
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
nothing, their dead and my family cried
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
that I was expecting it
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
my family
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
hold their hand and give them a loving face to send them on their way
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they need to let people go sometimes
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing dad cry
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She was happy to leave this jaded bitter world, this hated tainted
mortal coil, I go now into peace, the eternal joy of my Lord.
I shall miss my true love until we unite again.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
My family overreacted, it was simply time for him to pass on.
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Fri Oct 4 05:54:30 2002
F17 in leeds, =england=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: a'level
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
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--Death Is:
A ending to tragedy and beginning of a journey that results upon
the deeds you take
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
when i was 6
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My nana being in my arms and telling me everthing is right pain
has ended
--What I think my (england) culture needs to better learn about death is:
an opportunity
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it releases people from pain
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
religion
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not having my nana
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
the pain has ended and joy comes forth
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
remember her
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I would die
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hug her and be in her arms
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
can not stop it accept it
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Religion/Clergy
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Thu Oct 3 09:36:49 2002
F29 in Grand Ridge, Florida =United States=
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Prof/Studies: Nursing Student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 6 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 64.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a everyday thing that occurs during life and the lord takes us
when he things our time is up and we go to where our other family
members are and spend eternal life with them.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was really upset about the death cause they were really close to me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my grandmother's sense of humor and her wisdom.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
is the unity of family at the time of death of a loved one.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
having to go on without getting to tak to my grandmother when i
needed someone to talk to.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just lend a helping hand and a shoulder for them to cry on and
listen to them when they need someone to talk to.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it help deal with the stress of the death and my grandmother wouldn't
want me to cry and to move on with my life.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to be there when she passed away.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she was not here to see me get married and to see my two
children that she would love to be around.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
that they were gone and never coming back
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
was wonderful to her and they did what they could do for her.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they cared.
--Regarding MONEY:
i have some greedy family members that only think of themselves.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
the funeral
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she expressed that mu son would always have a angel looking after
him to protect him.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
nothing because i was so young when it happened.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
wonderful
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Tue Oct 1 21:54:52 2002
F50 in Portland, Maine =USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
I was cruising Yahoo under Psychology
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Prof/Studies: Counselor
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 30 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart disease; Aged: 48.
--Details:
It was a 3 year span of hospitalizations and crises.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a beginning of another life and an ending of our present life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
don't think I was old enough to have a reaction the first several
times.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
that I was with her and the rest of my family wasn't.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
grieving
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it releases someone who may be in severe pain hopefully/
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
professional support
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
getting started talking about it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know they aren't alone
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
saw her "soul" leave her body and at the time, wasn't sure what I
was seeing. It was a very spiritual experience and somewhat scary.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the vicious deaths in the cult and the enjoyment that some people
got from them.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was nervous
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell people what I felt when I didn't feel as though I could do that.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with some people when they died so they were not alone
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I don't know
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
it all matters
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember an experience that just the two of us shared
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I know that I would have someone in my life who loves me and I
don't know that now
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it was never fair
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wanted the whole world to stop and acknowledge that something in
the world had changed forever
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
incompetence as far as being able to say they didn't know what
was wrong medically and not being able to deal with family/friends
around death
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
fear
--Religious Affiliation:
satanic cult (forced) in the past and in the present, Native
American spirituality
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
unique in everyone
--Regarding MONEY:
it's expensive to die
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it is extremely difficult when people in attendance walk past the
family and all feel as though they have to say something when saying
nothing usually suffices
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
having people say to call them if I needed anything and then they
were gone and stayed away
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the dying person asking for their mother, a peaceful look
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
there is a fine line between denial and acceptance
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I saw it and the medical personnel calls it delusions, as though
it has to be clinical and not spiritual
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I saw people who were dead and they treated me as though I had been
with them forever, but told me I couldn't stay
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I wish I had said, "I love you" and the only person who can help
me with that is me by trying to believe she knew. It would still
make me feel better if I had said it.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would say, "I love you and I'm sorry I never told you that." I
would know for sure that she knew.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
a friend's mother came to me after her death and asked me to tell
my friend how much she loved her
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I need to write a living will so that my wishes will be followed
and I won't have to put others through the traditional horrors of
a funeral.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I feel that my own death will bring peace to myself.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I have never felt closure with anyone I loved and lost
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
anger has played a huge role in my life when someone I have loved
has died and it tends to hang on
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I met some nice people throughout the processes. I feel as though
I have has a couple of surrogate mothers after my loss.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
dissociation
more and more death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I became an EMT to help others until I realized it was more than
I could deal with.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think about death a lot and I think that it would be helpful to
all people to have a forum to express their feelings instead of
keeping it such a secret when we will all experience it.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
When I was in college, we had an assignment to write our own
obituary. I think that is helpful for people to evaluate their
lives by doing that. [Ed note: Added now.]
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Tue Oct 1 13:38:04 2002
F21 in Houston, Texas =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
the Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: vehicular accident; Aged: 68.
--Details:
As my grandmother walked to church, she was hit by a vehicle. She
pushed my younger cousins out of harms way before being struck.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the transfer of "life" from the present form into another. When
a person dies, they are no longer capable of performing any task,
breathing, understanding, basically "doing" anything! This individual
is no longer here, however a spritual existence does remain. This
means that the person can not take an active involvement in the
lives of those that are still here, but the memory of that person
may be able to influence those that are still alive.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was deeply saddened, but I was driven to continue to do things that
would make my grandmother proud.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandmother died of "natural" causes. My family was called and
informed of the news.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Feeling as though I needed to be strong in order to allow those
around me that could not be strong to lean on me and to deal with
there bereavement the way they felt best without being concerned
with the aftermath of things that i could take care of (ex: cleaning
the house, laundry, reminders of things that needed to be done)
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
My culture celebrates death. The individual that is no longer with
us has moved onto a better place and no longer has to face the
tribulations of Life. We are to appreciate the time we did share
and not dwell on what we feel we have lost.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
having a grandmother and family as wonderful and caring as I do. My
grandmother was a great person in my life and I will always think
of her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family and friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
accepting that a member of my family that I loved dearly was no
longer going to be with me in the physical sense.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be understanding of their wishes
--[My GrandMother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was made to realize how taking things for granted is what causes
you the most guilt when that individual is gone.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
good people are taken from us doing things they like or when they
are innocent bystanders
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
learn some of her recipes and tricks to fix everything
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be at her funeral
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the number of people that my grandmother had influenced
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
my reaction (or lack of)
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i know I've done something that would disappoint her
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
As i matured I feel i would have felt a motivation sooner to be
more spiritual
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that she was taken from me the year I was about to graduate and
how badly she wanted to be there and see me.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just spend another day with her...smelling her cook food and hearing
her hum. Just watching her do little things
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I will never be able to gain back the chances to learn from her
that I had past up
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
reconnecting to a part of life that meant sooo much to her
--Religious Affiliation:
Seventh-Day Adventist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
we are all connected through life by death... the unescapable end
--Regarding MONEY:
she deserved the best that we could afford and man others that had
been affected by my grandmother's death and were able ; were more
than eager to lend a hand
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people were in attendance from everywhere that she had
traveled
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
that I never felt like I mourned enough
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I always feel that she is aware of what is happening to her family
or around her home, but that is more in the sense that she is an
angel in heaven and capable of seeing what is happening
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i would like to accomidate the needs of my freinds and family
without causing too much conflict.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would feel the desire to do things that are not a prioirity to
me now because my focus is onthings that will effect me in the
long run (ex. traveling abroad vs. going to college)
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
sipmly openly recalling pleasant memories with other family members
and friends
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i felt a greater desire to strengthen my realtionship with Christ
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I feel as though my relationship with my mother was strengthened
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I was just aware of the needs of the mourners around me
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
A healthy reminder
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Tue Oct 1 07:06:07 2002
F30 in Buffalo, New York =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 18 Years ago.
Cause of Death: vehicular manslaughter; Aged: 12.
--Details:
Walking home from school, speeding car came up over curb and ran
through my group of friends, missed me, hit 4 others, killed 2.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
part of life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
knew they weren't coming back, which is why I didn't understand
when people kept telling me that I'd see him again.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
"people are going to think I'm a bad person, because I have no
desire/need to cry."
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that you can't have life without death; without death, life loses
a lot of it's meaning.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a friend's remission that allowed us to become closer before he died.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Being alone to sort it out, distracting myself with books.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
People continually asking me "how you holding up?" and offering
platitudes that they would be hard pressed to admit believing.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't cry and sob and make them feel almost guilty for leaving.
Don't tell them all that crap about going to a better place.
Thank them for their time here and how much it meant to you.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
being raised as a strict Roman Catholic, the inconsistencies in my
religion versus what I was experiencing, and the inability of the
faith that was chosen for me to comfort me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
the absurdity of the funeral and the presence of 500 people who
never even met the 2 girls struck me at a very inappropriate moment.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
vocalize to my grandfather how truly special I thought he was,
even at that young of an age.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
therapy. Didn't need to or want to talk to anyone. Talking made
it worse, no one realized that I needed to deal with it by myself,
and everything they were saying to me was bull.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was very, very lucky not to be in their place.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
when I was younger, I knew it was supposed to be important, but
it never really felt like it. The older I got, the less important
it was. However, I still find comfort in the ritual of a funeral.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
closer to the truth.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
people need ritual and order in their lives.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
fantasizing about when it would be over and I could go back to a
"normal" life.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
a general tiredness mixed with calmness.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I'm the one who takes care of everyone else and grieves alone.
It's not a complaint, that's the way I handle things.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I was very young, had a dream about my grandfather that he came into
my room and tucked me in. The next morning, my mother was swearing
to my father that she fell asleep thinking about my grandfather, and
she woke up to find the covers being pulled up over her. She didn't
see anyone, though. I never told them about my dream; didn't want
to upset them, or worse, have them think I was making it up.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
ALWAYS make it very clear to loved ones your specific intentions.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
There is so much not done...typical response, I supppose.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I do something that would have had meaning to that person, but
not necessarily myself. ie - plant a tree, adopt a cat, donate
time/money to a cause, etc.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
It happened VERY often when I was younger, even watching close
friends die in middle school. Somehow makes it easier to deal
with now.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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See Sep 02 contributions.
See Aug 02 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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