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Mon Jun 16 18:03:09 2008
M38 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 15 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Heart Disease; Aged: 5 months.
--Details:
There is tons of stuff I could write and have written in the past.
In fact, writing about it really helped me get through it. I wrote
stories about it, brief factual accounts of it and poetry about it.
I had lost both my parents by the time I was 16, but losing a child
was the worst thing I have ever been through. I have gotten through
it personally, but my wife still struggles with coming to terms with
it. It will always be painful, but time heals all wounds eventually.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of this part of life and the answer to what is next if
anything. I consider myself agnostic. I doubt the existence of god,
but concede the possibility. I think all religions and cults are
ridiculous; however, I am open to the idea that there may be a god.
I don't think we will know until our death.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was six and had to have my German Shepard puppy put to sleep.
This was my first experience, but it paled in comparison to what
was to come.
--That first time, how it happened was
My father committed suicide when I was 12. I found him. He used
a .22 caliber pistol and he shot himself in the chest twice.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
when the doctors told us he was gone. The room erupted into the
most sorrowful scene I have ever witnessed. I wept openly and I am
not a guy who cries often, much less in a room with people in it.
I don't know what was more painful, the pain I felt for the loss
or the added agony of watching the women I love so much go through
the loss of her 5 month old baby.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that dying is part of life. Most people look to avoid death, but
I think it should be embraced. I often long for death. It is not
that I am suicidal now, but I long for the experience to come and I
know that one day it will and I hope I will be reunited with those
that I lost and I hope for an afterlife of peace.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how strong the losses made me in the end.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Doing my best to be supportive to my wife in the years that
immediately followed. Also, writing about it was helpful to me.
I shared some of the things I wrote with close friends and loved
ones.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
accepting it. It takes a long time to do that, but one day it
comes and you move on. It is not that you don't hurt still, it is
just that you understand it and you learn to live with the loss.
It is hard to put into words, but once you have accepted a loss,
you will know it.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Letting them know that they have nothing to worry about and they
will be fine. My uncle wrote my dying mother a letter. He is a
Catholic Jesuit Brother, so he told her she would be in heaven and
that she would see all of those who died before her. His letter
comforted her and while I now think religion is a source of pain
most of the time, in addition to being delusional thinking, I am
glad that those delusions comforted by dying Catholic mother.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
survived it without killing myself.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I tried to answer why.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
raise my son to an age where I could have died on him instead of
him dying before me.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
meet others who were going through loss. Sometimes it is easier
to share things with people who are going through the same thing.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
did not believe it.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Tue Jun 17 20:19:53 2008
F52 in washingotn, dc, = ?? =
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
googled death rattle
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Prof/Studies: public health/BSN/MPH
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 2 Weeks ago.
Cause of Death: Parkinsons related complications; Aged: .
--Details:
He lost his ability to swallow, had a gastric feeding tube inserted
until I had the feedings stopped after I read his advance health
directive and the MD said he was terminal.
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--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 17 yrs old and my father's sister passed away. I only remember
the burial at the cemetary, I didn't know her personally but watched
my father cry. My father's recent death is the first time I actually
experienced someone close to me die. The first time I actually was
with and saw someone die was at my first job as a nurse right out
of college. An elderaly man on the Apache reservation in AZ was
dying, his family was with him. I had another patient in labor
and I had to keep running in between the 2 wards to check on each
patient. Finally after several hours the elderly man's heart stopped,
I checked with my stethescope and then called the MD to confirm. The
family cried and I turned off the IV and then had to run back to
the labor patient!
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
To accept that the spirit leaves the body and then it is just
the body.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
when my father had a moment of clarity and recognized. With wide
open eyes he very clearly said "Gerbs! (my nickname), you came
from Washington to be with me!" Then he started to cry and said
"I don't want to be a burden." I replied, "you have never been a
burden, you gave to me and everyone else, now we give back to you."
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to one of my co-workers and going to the occuapatinal health
unit and talking with the LCSW.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Having to hold things in because I had to help everyone else.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
make sure the person is free to just be there for the dying loved
one. Make sure he/she doesn't have to deal with cooking meals and
going to the store to get toilet paper, paper towels or wipies
for the dying person. Make sure that person is also nurtured so
they are free to give their undivided attention to the loved one
dying. The loved one is aware of surroundings and if the person
that is there for the dying person is frazzled the dying person
will sense it and that can aggitate the dying person.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had been taking care of him for 2 weeks and when I expected the
last day was at hand, I noticed his color had changed to a sort of
ashen gray
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
That hospice at least in California, has become big business. I
couldn't believe the coldness of attitude. To get the nurse and aide
to come when they said they would was difficult. To get more wipies
when we ran out of the meager supply they gave us initially was
humiliating. They said they didn't have any more and were waiting
for their supplies to arrive.
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant/Interdemoninational
--Regarding MONEY:
my step-mother was more tightwad than I would have imagined!
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
During the last 2 or 3 days before my father stopped breathing,
I felt his presence in the house and wondered if his spirit had
already left his body. At times during conversing with my step-mother
I felt as though I was channeling my father.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I only wonder if my father realized how much I loved him.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
The experience with my father was that my step-mother did not
want the feeding tube removed. She called the priest and he said
she had to respect my father's will. She tried to manipulate the
hospice nurse into keeping the tube patent. I had to be assertive
with everyone to enforce my father's will. I wish this did not have
to happen, I think my father was aware of the terse conversations
taking place. I do not want that to happen for me, that is why I am
creating my living will/health directive. I am also in the process
of buying my plot and funeral arrangements.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I only thought about myself after my father was buried and I
returned home. I am in the process of instituting a living
will/advance health directive.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I wrote my father's obituary and felt strongly that I wanted him to
be remembered and for his spirit to live on. I have never thought
that way about me but now I have a new perspective- to think about
how I want to be remembered. I would want people to know my work as
a nurse with underprivilaged groups of people, my volunteer work as
a nurse and a community organizer for the united farmworkers union
(before becoming a nurse) helping those in need to help make the
world a better place. As a person with a strong belief in God,
Christ and active in my church.
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish others had reached out to help me more. I did not feel anyone
nurtured me and it took its toll on me. By the 3rd week during
which we were planning the Mass etc. I was very snappy and angry.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes, these questions are helpful in thinking about my expeirence. I
have thought sooo much about my experience since the burial took
place. I have also written about my experience which is helpful. I
have developed an interest in learning more abou the mystery of
death and dying. If I had to do it over again I think I would be
more astute to the subtle cues of my father's needs. I would use
the ativan a little more and would take a few small breaks nearby
the room where my father's bed was. I would not be so concerned
about others and would be more concerned that I get what I need out
of the experience which is/was a shared experience with my father.
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Thu Jun 26 04:34:13 2008
F42 in Maryland = ?? =
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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More personal info:
DO NOT POST EMAIL
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Embraced by the light
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Betty Eadie
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 44.
--Details:
I was very angry at the loss of my sister because I felt she didn't
listen to the doctors and did what she wanted to do instead of
what could help heal her. She was so bitter and mad that it eat
at her and there was no reason. She was so talented, loving and
wonderful...she just couldn't accept her own greatness in the world.
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--Death Is:
when the body's time as expired, it is not longer useful to the
soul. The soul continues it's growth at a higher level. It goes back
to full knowledge and learns from it's experience in the body. The
souls mission is complete or it has chosen to be reunited.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I knew they were still with me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the deep pain of loss and initial anger.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death should initiate a celebration of life and a joy at being
reunited not a sorrowful mourning time of loss. I think it makes
the process of acceptance and peace longer when we dwell on the loss.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Signs from my brother and my sister that let me know when they
wanted my attention. It was nice to know they were around and to
still be able to get their message even though they had passed.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Embraced by the light - the book. Also at one funeral people spoke
of the deceased taking turns. As each person spoke I could see
the deceased lit up in white standing next to the person speaking
and also it looked like hundreds of silhouettes in bright yellow
people standing behind the person speaking. I knew it was moving
experience and different...another spiritual person mentioned he
saw the same thing and I realized it wasn't my imagination. This
helped me understand that those that have passed are much closer
than we realize.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I miss hearing their voice and hugs.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just let them know it's OK ...our time on earth is very short in
the grand scheme of things and we will be together sooner than they
realize. It's OK to rest if it is time.
--[My CoWorker's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
A co-worker's baby (same age as my first child) died at the age of 4
months of SIDS. My relationship with my children has been cherished
everyday since (14 years later). The loss of this child had a huge
impact on truly getting what a blessing they are in my life every
single day.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Most confusing is why they chose to die... I think many times people
pretend to not be responsible for choosing to die. I do believe we
chose it.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Laughing was brought about by having wonderful support around me
to make me laugh and also knowing that those that had passed would
love to see me laugh and would have laughed too!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I think everyone who has passed knew I loved them and that was
most important
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have them in my life at all
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Leaving the body at the funeral home overnight..I always wanted
to stay with the body so they wouldn't be alone even though I knew
the soul was no longer there.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The casket...picking out the casket... I always thought is was so
silly to spend so much money on a dead body when people are starving
in the world
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a song
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
My fear with my sister is that she would still be sick...I want
her healthy in another dimension then sick in mine.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I feel like there was more for them to do in the world...but God
knows best
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
do more for people to get their true power and greatness in the
world and the sense of urgency...there isn't much time in the grand
scheme of things...do it now.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
thought not yet...it's too soon
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I think the medical community is about money and not prevention
and that is a real shame
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A foundation for understanding death. I think we all have our own
idea that comforts us and we should go with that.
--Religious Affiliation:
I am a Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I think we are all in this together and that God is a loving God
who embraces all that chose to be with him.
--Regarding MONEY:
Money wasn't an issue
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Remember who didn't come or who didn't acknowledge the loss
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Putting the body in the ground and walking away
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
The decision...I think each made a decision and accepted it. I
also think we do see the "glow". People say that people are at
their best and glow shortly before death. In each case, the person
did glow and I thought "WOW, they really have it together and look
great"! Shortly, after they died.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Whatever the stage is....just let it happen...don't fight it because
it will take longer to get through it.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I wasn't aware of this taking place with my loved ones
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like to know they are surrounded by love.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My brother turns street lights on and off to get my attention. My
sister plays certain songs on the radio to communicate with me
and also flicks lights in my house on and off. She actually turned
the electricity off in my house the morning of her funeral...they
couldn't find any reason for the electricity to be off and it was
back on after her funeral. Also, my sister left me a tape which
was to be played at her death. Comforting to hear her voice.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Pray for the outcome the person wants....not your outcome. I think
when we have conflicting prayers the person dying pays the price
of a long drawn out death or long recovery.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I know that people know I love them and when I get a thought to
call someone or do something....I do it instead of brush it off. I
also kiss my husband and kids every morning, every night and every
time I leave the house or they do. They know I love them and so do
my friends and relatives.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She loved her family, friends and the world and we knew it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
When I am sad I let myself be sad...I don't fight it.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
When someone has had a loss I will send them a card a few months
after the loss or right before a major holiday. I do this because
I remember after it was all said and done months later I felt like
screaming "Doesn't anyone realize my life is different, doesn't
anyone remember?" So I send a card letting them know I know they
still hurt and they are in my prayers.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Some were becoming closer friends with a person who was close to
the deceased but prior to was just an acquaintance.
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How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I believed she was in a good place and I could be with her anytime
now. I could also smell her scent and knew she was around sometimes.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
loss of 2 way communication made me sad
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I think giving support after the funeral when everyone has left
town and you are still grieving a month, 2 months, 6 months later is
vital to those dealing with the loss. Let them know you are thinking
about them...talk about the person who passed don't ignore it.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was a good experience...it helps clarify my experience that I
hadn't realized.
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See May 08 contributions.
See Apr 08 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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