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See Current contributions.
See May 06 contributions.
See Apr 06 contributions.
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Sat Jun 24 11:26:36 2006
F49 in anchorage, alaska =usa=
Name: belinda graffin
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: accounting
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 7 Years ago.
Cause of Death: blockage of viens to heart; Aged: 47.
--Details:
He had been complaining for months about his chest hurting and was
at the doctors office, they ran test and could find nothing wrong
with him, He was such an active man the doctor never though about
heart or blockage problems(he stated that at a later date to me)My
children kept asking me on that day when is daddy coming back home,
it was very very devastating .
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--Death Is:
part of living,and should be embraced as life is.No reason to be
afraid.........
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 11 years old, my grand father passed away. At that young age
I understood what happened, I didn't eat for weeks and refused
to view the casket adn attend the wake I couldnot understand the
celebration of death and new beginnings.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
there presence and strength had been takn away from me.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
There is no closure!!!!!! Only new beginnings for the one's left
behind
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That my loved one did not suffer a long illness, he went quickly. he
came into this world quickly and left in the same manner
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my own spiritual beliefs and guidiance from GOD
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Answering my children's questions in regards to there dad
dying.Dealing with the transformation and chemical inbalance of
your brain. I did not feel I could function for almost a year and
half.Then one day poof my brain was back!
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Letting them know how much of there spirit remains within you
and the love will be shared long after they are gone. They will be
remembered on a daily basis.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Took one day at a time,and that my children really pulled me thru
hard times ,(they weren't even aware of it)That the bond between
family and friends that were once cememted with elmers glue was
now cememted with grazy glue!
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The autospy report came in the mail,it was if I was reading a report
that could not have possibly been about my husband.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
that never happened to me
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
give more support to my husbands brothers and dad.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
comfort my children and plan and arrange the best memorial service
for mu husband , we had laughter and tears!
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Friendds and family shared special moments amonst each other that
I overheard from a distance.I learned from that
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The phrase * closure* move on. ANd time heals.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
certian phrases people say a song a birthday, my children being
without a dad at certian events, marriage grradution etc...
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would have different life goals,we would be a happy family
still. we would be one. As it is now I am single and have single
goals in life verses a dual.I would have someone to share with.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why wasn't I the one to go. I am left here in misery and must move
forward now
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back the time and redirect destiny
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
what am I going to do, I am alone the carpet of life has just been
pulled out from under me. Well I ever get off my knees and walk
again in this thing we call life
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
We are all human and make mistakes, we do the best we can.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
we laughed and cried and it was very personal,we had his favorite
songs playing photos displayed stories of his life being shared.Stand
strong in your wants and desires witht the funeral home and do
things your way! For you can!
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
People looking upon me with a certain look of pity. as if i was
only half a person now.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no issues to resolve
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
there was a time my bed was shaking I woke up to see my husband
standing ther plain as day, he said everthing will be alright,
I saw he was fading and asked him not to go.
Another time there
was a white cloud moving thru the house at about waist high level,
it entered my daughters room where she laid crying , she stopped
crying , this was witnessed by myself and two others. Objects would
appear out of place that belonged to my husband.I would pick the
object up put it on the dresser only to return and find it on the
floor again.This happened alot the firstyear of his passing
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Long drives to no where. setting at the beach in silence, just
listening to the waves pound the shore
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
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Sat Jun 17 20:33:01 2006
F36 in Toronto, Ontario =Canada=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
randomly looked up "tests" and found it
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 33 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 73.
--Details:
At my aunt's house I was told by my parents to "say goodbye to Poppa"
and I never saw him afterwards. I didn't attend a funeral as I was
too young. Nobody explained it to me until I asked later in life.
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--Death Is:
the end of a cycle of life. The release of spiritual energy, the
decay and release of the body from the spirit.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was perplexed, felt helpless and incredibly sad.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grandfather died when I was 3 years old. I remember my parents
saying, "Go say goodbye to Poppa because you might not see him
again". He was in a bed at my aunt's house and he didn't say anything
to me. I went in the room, saw him, stood there and was ushered out
again. I don't remember anyone crying. I was too young to understand
that he was dying at the moment.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the empty space left in my heart and life and the pain it caused.
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it's inevitable, necessary and sometimes humane to assist
someone who no longer wishes to live.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my memories and love.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
rationalizing with my husband and letting out my feelings of anger,
helplessness and pain.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the helplessness
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
give emotional support and comfort by using words the person
appreciates, touch and connect visually with the dying person
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I had to relearn to live alone
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have planned the passing moments in more serene setting
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
watch him find peace
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I remember the moments just before passing
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I cannot fix this problem and it has to end this way.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
disbelief
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
cold-hearted facts
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it's coldness
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
quality of life and degree of suffering
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
greiving is an on-going process which waxes and wanes - something
you must learn to live with
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
it will come
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
Nobody talked to me about it or explained it to me. Ever. Even when
I was older I had to enquire.
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Tue Jun 6 13:19:03 2006
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Holy Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: a murder; Aged: .
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--Death Is:
wheen our body no longer works and we are put to sleep.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fact that he was too young to die and everyone couldn't
believe it.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that we're all headed in that direction whether we like it or not.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
His mother died before him when he was a child. I assume that if
she'd been alive to see her gangbanger son die a cruel death,
she would have been devastated. I figured that's why she died,
so that she wouldn't have to live to see her son die this way.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
prayer, and support from the family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the fact that he's gone.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
remembering the good things about them. My cousin wasn't the greatest
person or member of society, but remembering the few good things
he did do helped.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I found out how he died
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
known him better.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
comfort my mother because he was her nephew whom she loved.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
incredulous
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
refuge from all the hurt.
--Religious Affiliation:
Protestant
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
real. Either his spirit went to heaven or hell
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What Helped me most deal with death? Upbringing
prayer
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Music
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Mon Jun 5 15:13:40 2006
M19 in Apple Valley, Ca =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 22.
--Details:
speeding, soft sand, telephone pole
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--Death Is:
a permanent ending/ separation of people from each other and
the world.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Hurt.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the words/ cries of my family
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
i don't know
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the relationships formed with the survivors.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Time, music, talking, memories
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The realization of its permanence.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
listen, and listen well. Talk. Learn.
--[My Friend's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
there was no significant gain.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
others inability to deal, cope, talk.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never laughed.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
been there the last time he visited.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk late into the night of change.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i slipped a piece of string into the casket.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
?
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Where would I be living. Would my family be o.k? Would i have gone
to jail?
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Will they ever have the chance to be together? Is it too late.?
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Fall out of existance.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
"fuck", what about Cherie.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Utter disapointment. Docters are nothing but fucking Dice.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
N/A
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
?
--Religious Affiliation:
LDS
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
reasonable.
--Regarding MONEY:
lacking, forming hostility.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that no one stuck around to see the grave covered.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the shape of the physical body
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I offer no solice.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
None.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
None
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
none
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have had no dreams myself. Mom has, very interesting.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Listening to particular songs.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no.
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
The shock realization he was gone
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Mon Jun 5 12:20:37 2006
M23 in Apple Valley, CA =United States=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
Professor requested for us to participate
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Prof/Studies: Philosophy
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of pet, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: car; Aged: 2-3 months.
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--Death Is:
the ceasing to exist in the universe. The person who experiences
death will never see, breath, talk, or socialize with anything or
anyone in any way.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was a little over 10 years old. I was devastated at the loss but
forgetting helped a lot.
--That first time, how it happened was
Pet got ran over by a car as I was taking it for a walk.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How supportive everyone was around me.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
learning how to cope with it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the fact that I effectively coped with it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
trying to forget.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to forget.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to do it. It would matter to that person immensely.
--[My pet's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
know that life goes on, regardless of the hardships we face.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my pet died because I did not do something I was supposed to,
regardless of the knowledge I had to prevent such an incident.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
have a one to one talk with this person.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
talk to this person every once in a while and offer my friendship.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the body appears so lifeless. You instantly know life has left
the body.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think of life without my loved ones.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it happened too soon
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
wow, I cannot believe he would die so soon.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
respect and potentially inconfidence.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that there is potential to an afterlife.
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
that the spirit transcends death and life itself.
--Regarding MONEY:
it needs to be spent and there is no need to feel any unnecessary
obligation to spend it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the fact that religious attitudes play an important role in all
funerals.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
depression, lack of appetite, or reconciliation with peers.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It was best to grieve the death whichever way occurs naturally,
always remembering that life is worth living and that things always
get better.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I know of none whatsoever, but do not doubt they can indeed happen.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I would try to think of all the issues that were resolved and try
not to think negatively of experiences witht the person.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
You did what you did to the best of your knowledge and ability.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have personally seen this happen. Sometimes the loved ones of
the person dying have to give up their need to keep this person
alive to fulfill the wish or last request of the dying person.
This can lead to immense sadness.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I would not mind if I were diagnosed to be terminally ill. I have
led a life that I know has made somewhat of a difference and would
not be afraid of anything after death.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Man, brother, son, and friend to all. His positive attitude will
always be remembered. He will be greatly missed.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Try to not remember and seek activities that kept the mind occupied.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I try to live a life that will never cause inconvenience to another
living being. Love all.
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
Take up other hobbies
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Very straightforward and not too long. A grand majority of the
questions I could not answer due to the fact that I have not had
the grief of having a loved person die in my lifetime.
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Mon Jun 5 09:08:04 2006
M19 in High Desert, California =United States=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
we had to do a term paper and fill out and participate in 4 studies
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Prof/Studies: youth minister
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 48.
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--Death Is:
an emotional rollercoaster that can also be viewed as a gain in a
sense that with loss comes learing.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and didn't think it was true.
--That first time, how it happened was
My father passed away about 3 years ago, he died of cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
my friends who gave me their support, prayers, and understanding
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That it happens a lot and we need to be a bit more sympathetic to
others because no one knows what they go through.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
my dad gave me so much, even though at times i didn't deserve it,
he was my best friend and i will always remember him. I knew he
was tired of being sick i believe he is in a much better place.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Prayer and Friends.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Overall realizing that he was gone.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
it helps a lot, even if its just a phone call saying i'm sorry
that happend.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
loved him and cherished him and to always hold on to the ones you
love because you never know when you wont have them anymore.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
after my father died, i was the man of the house, i had the
responsibility
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it helps, laughing is a great way to feel better.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to give him one last hug.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to get over his death.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
a friend took me out to lunch.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
i think all of it was important in some way or another.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
fortunately i think i have come to the understanding that nothing
lasts forever.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
well unfortuantely we can't change the past and id on't like to
dwell on it what is the point of dreaming about something that you
already experienced you might miss things in your life that could
have a equal or even greater effeft on you.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that hewas taken away from me.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
No that can be!
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
They do all they can b ut sometimes its just doesn't get the results
they hope for.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they did all they could to make my father comfortable.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A lot of close friends.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
? Don't understand the question.
--Regarding MONEY:
it was and sometimes is a struggle still but God has taken care of
us and continues to.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i've been told that a lot of older people don't have very may attend
the funeral, for my dad he had a substantial amount of people...he
touched a lot of peoples lives apparently.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
...
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the ability to communicate, though i disagree with this statement i
think deep down everyone knows the signs its there choice to accept
them or not.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Music, Friends, Prayers, Church and mostly Time all contributed
to my understanding that things happen and sometimes we don't have
control but we must except them and move on.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I love him and i know he loved me i know tha the would have given
the world to me if he could thats all that matters.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
i just want peoplt to accept me thats all
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
We should always live life to the fullest and to the best of our
ability because no one know when they will die fortunately i have a
strong religous background which allows me to have full confidence
in my life and death. It allows me to be prepared.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
My Name
He lived a joyful and healthy life. He will be forgotten
by some and remembered by others. But one thing is true he always
made people smile.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
prayer
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Prayer, it goes along way.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
yes i gained many new friends who took me in and showed me love
and i don't doubt them to be lifelong friends.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
Friends support and prayers helped me deal with my loss, also music
was a big help
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Crying and Crying
there wasn't really much that hindered me just the fact that things
take time
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Talking and listening...always important.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it has though some questions i found irrelevant.
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Sun Jun 4 20:41:44 2006
F20 in Apple Vallet, Ca =USA=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
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Prof/Studies: English student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: stroke; Aged: 78.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the ending of it all.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
thought i was going to die at the same time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
being told.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to be more celebratory of the life, not to grieve over the death.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i got to hear wonderful things about my grandfather.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being alone.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
having to try and keep it together during the funeral.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
just to let them know that you understand they need to go.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
know that happiness is stronger than despair.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my grandpa, who was the most wonderful man died and not my grandma
who is a demon.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
you have to laugh. otherwise you shrivel up.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell me grandpa that he was my hero.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
meet my relatives in nebraska.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i found my grandpa's shaving kit.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the buriel.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i watch home movies or hear songs
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i don't think that way.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died and my grandma lived
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
fly.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
i actually pictured a photo of hom being thrown into a cave. i
don't know the signifigance of this.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they did what they could. i do not hold them at fault.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
euthanasia should be legalized.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
atheist.
--Regarding MONEY:
very minimally.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how happy people were to have known him.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
seeing him in a box.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the calm before the storm.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i would have rather just heard about it afterwards.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i have none.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i resolved all that i needed to.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
n/a
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
living will and power of attorney
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i have always felt that i would die young. my grandfather's death
just validated this for me. death doesn;t scare me. in a way,
i welcome it.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
i want them to be happy they knew me, and be joyful about my life. my
obituary would be funny. or a reprint of ginsbergs death and fame
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
writing in my journal.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
none
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Memories to hold
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i took care of things at the house.
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Sun Jun 4 15:21:46 2006
F20 in APPLE VALLEY, CAL. =UNITED STATES=
Name: AUTUMN MCKINNEY
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
on a paper i got from school
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Prof/Studies: PSYCHOLOGY
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Great GrandMother, 11yrs. Years ago.
Cause of Death: old age; Aged: 85.
--Details:
those are pretty much all the details i know
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a place that you go and just sleep you dont think you dont feel
and you dont hurt. lots of people say theres a heaven(beautiful
place)and a hell(terrible place) but i couldnt tell you if that is
true or not since i have not died and came back, but its when your
mind,and body are no more.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was very young and really didnt know what was going on so i was
pretty non-chalant about the situation.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how it terribly affected the people around me, and how now i feel
for them and wish i could have been more of a help.
--What I think my (UNITED STATES) culture needs to better learn about death is:
where all gonna eventually die one way or another so if human beings
would stop helping the process along a lil faster maybe we would
be around a little longer.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
dont take life for granted!!!!in a way i feel like live every day
to the fullest as it is your last, because tommorows not promised
to you young or old.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
its better for the person that died for them to have died, because
they are not suffering or hurting or depressed or just plain
helpless, and its there time, so just remember all the good moments.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not getting to know her like i would have wanted to, not being able
to spend more time with her.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
whatever will make them be comfortable, whatever needs or wants
that they desire, and also being by there side physically instead
of just mentally or financially.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she was not around anymore...
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i laughed to help ease the pain.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say a few words to let her no that her other family loved her.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
deal with it the way i did.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
its fucked up that people really do die and after that they are
gone forever.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
having a funeral actually morning over someone and then having a
party or eating after wards.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
someones that i know have just lost a loved one or if i watch a
t.v show with a loved one dying many things.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
wow it obviousley would be totally different, i mean and i probably
would not want to dream up something if it were not going to
come true.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when you die but its also not fair when you suffer, because foreal
foreal we were not made to die we were made to live forever.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
wake up and it will be all over again.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
could sit back and dwell on it and be depressed my whole life or
i can go on and realize thats just life and thats the way it is.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
i mean since i didnt work there i didnt know, but im pretty sure
they did all they could do.... its better to not suffer anyway.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
i would definitley want some pain medicine so i wouldnt feel shit,
and be as comfortable as i could be.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
we were not very religious people at diferent times of our life sure
we had attended church but it really didnt go no father than that.
--Religious Affiliation:
none
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i feel we all do have spirits i just dont know what becomes of them
after death and wont know, until its my time.
--Regarding MONEY:
money wasnt an issue....
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
most people at funerals are there just to be there not really there
for the reason that they are suppose to be.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
abscence
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
coming to a conclusion that its going and it happens to everyone
its no going back.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
everyone's different and deals with coping the best way that
they can....
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my mother experienced something similar that she would have to
explain not me..
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i've always latley since i have been going through alot of shit,
felt that near death shit every once in a while and i dont know if
its my mind playing tricks on me or if something is really wrong.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
the only issues i have are that i should have maybe spent more time
with my loved one and got to know them a little better.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
tell them i love them and ill always be with them....as for my
feelings now i think they may know that.....
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
its happen to other family members but never myself..
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
my assets my valueables"etc.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
honestly it scares me to think that sooner than later i will die
and knowing that is terrifying,being that i dont know how its gonna
feel or whats gonna happen or who am i going to leave behind... it
bothers me so i try and not think about it as much as possible.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
AUTMN C. MCKINNEY IBARRA (R.I.P)
OCT.18 1985-?
REMEMBER THIS I WAS A REAL PERSON A REAL AND TRUE FRIEND I HAD
VERY VERY MUCH COMPASSION AS WELL AS GENEROSITY ALWAYS THOUGHT OF
OTHERS AT TIMES WOULD COME OF A LITTLE BLUNT OR HARSH BUT HEY THAT
WAS JUST AUTUMN
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
just dealing" and remembering good times if remembering at all.....
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
none
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
i was very young
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
i also did'nt know my great grandma very well
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just spending time with the person that had just gone through this
ordeal it isnt easy.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
this questionaire obviously had me thinking about death and dying,and
friends and family dying and it usually puts me in a depressed state
but right now im feeling like "shit happens' kind of attitude maybe
tomorrow ill feel something different maybe not.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
"DO YOU THINK WE DESERVE TO ALL SHEIVLE UP AND DIE"?
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Sat Jun 3 13:54:11 2006
F52 in Apple Valley, CA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 1981 Years ago.
Cause of Death: murdered; Aged: 30.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when you go to the unknown place
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was in shock
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
a sense of denial
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not be so depressing
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
i realized im the most important person because i have to survive
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the people who had to blame me
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to make things more comfortable
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
recovered from the hopless feeling of being powerless
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i could not of changed things or save him
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it was how i coped or i could of lost control
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
let him no i never wanted anything like that to happened
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
change my life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
acceptance
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the thought of losing each other
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i have read a essay about the loss of everyone i know and i still
can make me cry
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
well i would be in danger for sure
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that i have to take all the crap and incinuations from other people
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
take a break
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
should of been there
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
no opinion
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing i blamed god
--Religious Affiliation:
christian
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i learned to stop blaming god
--Regarding MONEY:
doors opened
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
i was asked to sit in the back
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
forgiving myself
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
i was being beat by a man in a car i knew i was dying i asked god to
help me and he said blank god! soon after that i found the strength
to run
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
secure
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
he should of came home that night
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
do what ever they want however i dont want to be brain dead
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i would try to live life on lifes terms instead of just surviving
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
i was murdered but it looked like a sucided my obituary would say
she was a good mother and a good wife
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Alcohol
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
someone to put me back togeather
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
sure
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
good job
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Thu Jun 1 04:39:19 2006
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 17 Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: .
--Details:
I had just returned from work and checked my phone messages. On it
was a message from my uncle in the hometown of my parents some 12
hours away saying I had to call home. I panicked, thinking it was
my beloved aunt (his wife) had died of cancer from which she was
suffering, or my dad had died. The message was completely ominous,
I KNEW something serious had happened. I tried to call home but
the phone was busy, very worriesome.
I called a friend and
told her something was bad, very BAD and she and my other friend
ran over. Just before they arrived I managed to get through to my
parents and my dad told me "Steven killed himself, in the garage",
"Can you come home?" I said yes, completely in shock. That was
the end of the call. Nothing else for hours. During those hours
I convinced myself my brother was alive, in hospital, that he was
not successful and there was another chance to see him, convince
him life was good.
Contacted my older brother who lived in the same town as I and
who had gotten the news, my boyfriend and blessedly my friends
arrived. According to them I responded automatically, packing the
appropriate clothing items and greeted the boyfriend stoically. No
affection, just facts.
The three of us (brother, boyfriend and myself) piled into my
car and drove. I remember crying openly and being in complete
shock. We took the ferry over and then drove for seemingly hours
(6?) until reaching home. The thing I remember from that night was
the stars. Millions of them, a brilliant night.
My father was so
relieved to see us. He hugged my brother and cried.. After a time we
went to bed, all exhausted and yet awake.
My brother was cremated
4 days later. 17 years later I still miss him. Of all my brothers
he and I were the closest. He visited me a month before he died,
he was stressed. And I failed to help.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A very sad thing. It entails losing someone very important to
you quickly or over time. Either way it hurts. Your life is never
the same.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Reacted with disbelief, denial. My dear aunt had a reoccurance
with breast cancer some 18 years after the first diagnosis. We
were very close and it hit very hard. When I learned her cancer
had spread to areas where surgery was impossible and all we had
was time I was devastated. She was my favorite aunt, my friend
and confidante. The first adult who GOT me and loved me for who I
was.. I was disraught and refused to believe.
Then my brother
died from his own hand. 7 months before my aunt would die. She sat
through the funeral preparations of my brother, I will never forget
how painful that must have been for her, her knowing her time was
soon. No doubt making her own final wishes more clear as she sat
there helping us plan my brothers funeral. Someone who took his
own life as she fought for hers.
I found in hindsight that I did
most of my grieving for my Godmother and aunt while she was still
alive. And grieve I did. When she did die I was surprised and in
shock but to be honest I had already come to terms with it. At her
funeral I felt peace. Peace that she was no longer suffering. And of
course very, very sad. She was an incredibly real woman, faults and
all and I hope my kids get the same vibe from me, their mum. That
I am not perfect but I am there for them, in their corner, willing
to listen, confide, and love them. My aunt was a wonderful woman
and mother. I hope to be half the mom she was.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Aunt died. I must have been of 9 years. A year later her mother,
my Nana died. Both were provinces away, memories really. But my
father was very upset by the news and cried, the first time I saw
him do so..
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The sadness, disbelief... The suicide of my brother was so
devastating.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That natural death is the natural conclusion to a life well lived
and hopefully over a long period of time. I admit I have a problem
with early death of children, suicide and cancer. My history talking.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Remembering my brother and aunt for what they were and the importance
they both had in my life. Both were very special to me and I wil
treasure them both till the day I die. Both were caring and unique
people. I wish they were both still with me today. What did their
deaths teach me? To appreciate the day, those around you. To be
giving, loving and there for those you love. My brothers death
(suicide) taught me to accept depression (and later deal with it in
my own life) and encourage others to seek help when needed. That
depression is nothing to be ashamed of. Clinical depression is
a sickness and sicknesses need to be treated.
From my aunts
death I learned that cancer is possible, to live a healthy life
and love those around you every day. To reach out and be a great
aunt to all those neices and nephews. Be the special aunt :)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Nothing. At that point in my life I really struggled. As a young
adult on my own there were few comfort zones. I wrote a lot, spent a
lot of time alone thinking.
It was only years later when I had my
first child and suffered from terrible PMS that threatened to invade
and destroy almost the whole month I sought help. I was prescribed
anti-depressants and 13 years later have never looked back. I feel
good dealing with the demons of the family curse of depression. I
am pro-active and living a normal happy life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The finality. The not being able to say good bye or having a final
conversation with either of those really close to me who have died. I
wish I could have had an interaction with both before they died. Told
them how I felt about them and how important to me they were/are.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Being there. Period.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
And Aunt who was clinically bi-polar. I have learned to accept that
my family has a history of depression and that I need to deal with
it and get on with life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
It was a shock, the suicide of my brother and in hindsight not such a
surprise. That I could have reached out more, given more. That hurts.
As I know myself more with the years and wisdom that comes I feel
I should have done more for my brother. And that hurts.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I remember when my dear aunt died. We were at the viewing and
prayers and I just did not know what to say to my cousins that did
not seem trite or too cheerful (I lived far away and had not seen
them in months). The viewing was all so surreal. I had grieved my
aunt (who died of cancer and I knew it was coming) for months. It
depressed me greatly. I somehow felt relieved when she died,
relieved her suffering was over. So surreal.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk to him the night before. Offer to help in any way I could. Be
there for him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Fuddle my way through directly afterwards, the days before his
funeral. I was so raw, and so angry. Disbelieving. Shocked.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
After my brothers funeral, a few days, my boyfriend and I went for
a drive in the country. The trees were turning yellow and red,
autumn. It was beautiful and so sad. The last autumn my brother
ever saw and yet so magnificent.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Nothing. Nothing was important during that time. Both deaths (my
brother and aunt) were so very sad.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I could have helped, or at least been there.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I miss them both terribly. Both very important people in my life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
suicide. So young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Tell them how I feel.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I should have seen his death coming. That he was young, no doubt
felt alone (my parents are less than demonstrative), he was at
a cross road in life.
The night before he died I talked to
my mother and she relayed his depression. That he threatened it.
Why didn't I take action, why didn't I step in??
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust. The morning after my brother committed suicide I went to
my parents (and my former) doctors office to get relaxants for
my parents. The doctor (who had been a bitch to me in the past)
was kind to me. Unfortunately she later reported to my already
disraught parents that I seemed in denial and not handling the
death well. Thank you very much for adding more stress to my parents
lives Dr. Clement. I guess medical school did not teach you about
shock in the first 24 hours? Bitch. To the relief of my parents I
DID break down thank you very much.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Sadness and fear.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Little.
--Religious Affiliation:
Grew up Catholic. Both services in a Catholic church.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Like what I choose to believe. What makes the most sense to me and
not necessarily what one religion believes.
--Regarding MONEY:
Little issue with money in either death or demise. Live in Canada
where health care is assured.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How in shock I was. How attending a funeral of a dearly loved is
so different from one that is more distant. My brothers funeral
was surreal, unreal and still to be digested some 17 years later.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How I embraced "life after death experiences" shortly after. It
became my religion, I lived and breathed it. Now 17 years later it
seems a distant memory and perhaps an ideology that helped me move
through two very painful losses.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
No idea. I was in proximity of neither when they passed. My parents
recall the 'smell of death' from my aunt who died of complicated
breast cancer.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I wish I had been there.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I never experienced this with the two close to me who died. I do
know I have dreamt of my brother many times. A few of those times
he was involved in daring adventures and I reminded him of his
mortality. He reminded me that he was already dead!
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
After doing this questionaire I feel a letter to both those dear
to me who have died is in order. A final goodbye and all I should
have said.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Steven I wish I was there for you. I have been through what you
did. Feeling depressed, like there was no way to turn or anyone
to turn to. The lonlieness of growing up in that house with so
many around. I wish I had listened to mom and taken the time to
figure out how down you were. I am so sorry I didn't...
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My mother and Nana report their departed children visiting them
after death. Have no personal experiences besides dreaming about
my brother and aunt.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am in the process of quitting smoking. The best thing I can do
for myself. Facing death I hope I can say to myself that I was
the most caring, loving and understanding person I could be. That I
made people feel good about themselves in my company. That I helped
those I work with and improved their lives even in a small way (
I work with individuals with mental handicaps)
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Writing to myself. Alone time.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Being more giving, open and loving to those around me. Going on
anti-depressants when I deemed depression was invading and taking
over my life.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
After my brother died an old boyfriend contacted me offering his
sympathies and memories of my brother. A few years later I married
him. 14 years later we have 3 kids, 2 dogs and a house together
and we are happy.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
We were not a 'feeling touching' family. No one was there. No
measures taken to comfort us, the children, while my father mourned.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
Understanding the sadness of my father. There was no
communication. No support.
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Thu Jun 1 01:17:01 2006
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 17 Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: .
--Details:
I had just returned from work and checked my phone messages. On it
was a message from my uncle in the hometown of my parents some 12
hours away saying I had to call home. I panicked, thinking it was
my beloved aunt (his wife) had died of cancer from which she was
suffering, or my dad had died. The message was completely ominous,
I KNEW something serious had happened. I tried to call home but
the phone was busy, very worriesome.
I called a friend and
told her something was bad, very BAD and she and my other friend
ran over. Just before they arrived I managed to get through to my
parents and my dad told me "Steven killed himself, in the garage",
"Can you come home?" I said yes, completely in shock. That was
the end of the call. Nothing else for hours. During those hours
I convinced myself my brother was alive, in hospital, that he was
not successful and there was another chance to see him, convince
him life was good.
Contacted my older brother who lived in the same town as I and
who had gotten the news, my boyfriend and blessedly my friends
arrived. According to them I responded automatically, packing the
appropriate clothing items and greeted the boyfriend stoically. No
affection, just facts.
The three of us (brother, boyfriend and myself) piled into my
car and drove. I remember crying openly and being in complete
shock. We took the ferry over and then drove for seemingly hours
(6?) until reaching home. The thing I remember from that night was
the stars. Millions of them, a brilliant night.
My father was so
relieved to see us. He hugged my brother and cried.. After a time we
went to bed, all exhausted and yet awake.
My brother was cremated
4 days later. 17 years later I still miss him. Of all my brothers
he and I were the closest. He visited me a month before he died,
he was stressed. And I failed to help.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
A very sad thing. It entails losing someone very important to
you quickly or over time. Either way it hurts. Your life is never
the same.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Reacted with disbelief, denial. My dear aunt had a reoccurance
with breast cancer some 18 years after the first diagnosis. We
were very close and it hit very hard. When I learned her cancer
had spread to areas where surgery was impossible and all we had
was time I was devastated. She was my favorite aunt, my friend
and confidante. The first adult who GOT me and loved me for who I
was.. I was disraught and refused to believe.
Then my brother
died from his own hand. 7 months before my aunt would die. She sat
through the funeral preparations of my brother, I will never forget
how painful that must have been for her, her knowing her time was
soon. No doubt making her own final wishes more clear as she sat
there helping us plan my brothers funeral. Someone who took his
own life as she fought for hers.
I found in hindsight that I did
most of my grieving for my Godmother and aunt while she was still
alive. And grieve I did. When she did die I was surprised and in
shock but to be honest I had already come to terms with it. At her
funeral I felt peace. Peace that she was no longer suffering. And of
course very, very sad. She was an incredibly real woman, faults and
all and I hope my kids get the same vibe from me, their mum. That
I am not perfect but I am there for them, in their corner, willing
to listen, confide, and love them. My aunt was a wonderful woman
and mother. I hope to be half the mom she was.
--That first time, how it happened was
My Aunt died. I must have been of 9 years. A year later her mother,
my Nana died. Both were provinces away, memories really. But my
father was very upset by the news and cried, the first time I saw
him do so..
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The sadness, disbelief... The suicide of my brother was so
devastating.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
That natural death is the natural conclusion to a life well lived
and hopefully over a long period of time. I admit I have a problem
with early death of children, suicide and cancer. My history talking.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Remembering my brother and aunt for what they were and the importance
they both had in my life. Both were very special to me and I wil
treasure them both till the day I die. Both were caring and unique
people. I wish they were both still with me today. What did their
deaths teach me? To appreciate the day, those around you. To be
giving, loving and there for those you love. My brothers death
(suicide) taught me to accept depression (and later deal with it in
my own life) and encourage others to seek help when needed. That
depression is nothing to be ashamed of. Clinical depression is
a sickness and sicknesses need to be treated.
From my aunts
death I learned that cancer is possible, to live a healthy life
and love those around you every day. To reach out and be a great
aunt to all those neices and nephews. Be the special aunt :)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Nothing. At that point in my life I really struggled. As a young
adult on my own there were few comfort zones. I wrote a lot, spent a
lot of time alone thinking.
It was only years later when I had my
first child and suffered from terrible PMS that threatened to invade
and destroy almost the whole month I sought help. I was prescribed
anti-depressants and 13 years later have never looked back. I feel
good dealing with the demons of the family curse of depression. I
am pro-active and living a normal happy life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The finality. The not being able to say good bye or having a final
conversation with either of those really close to me who have died. I
wish I could have had an interaction with both before they died. Told
them how I felt about them and how important to me they were/are.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Being there. Period.
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
And Aunt who was clinically bi-polar. I have learned to accept that
my family has a history of depression and that I need to deal with
it and get on with life.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
It was a shock, the suicide of my brother and in hindsight not such a
surprise. That I could have reached out more, given more. That hurts.
As I know myself more with the years and wisdom that comes I feel
I should have done more for my brother. And that hurts.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I remember when my dear aunt died. We were at the viewing and
prayers and I just did not know what to say to my cousins that did
not seem trite or too cheerful (I lived far away and had not seen
them in months). The viewing was all so surreal. I had grieved my
aunt (who died of cancer and I knew it was coming) for months. It
depressed me greatly. I somehow felt relieved when she died,
relieved her suffering was over. So surreal.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Talk to him the night before. Offer to help in any way I could. Be
there for him.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Fuddle my way through directly afterwards, the days before his
funeral. I was so raw, and so angry. Disbelieving. Shocked.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
After my brothers funeral, a few days, my boyfriend and I went for
a drive in the country. The trees were turning yellow and red,
autumn. It was beautiful and so sad. The last autumn my brother
ever saw and yet so magnificent.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Nothing. Nothing was important during that time. Both deaths (my
brother and aunt) were so very sad.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I could have helped, or at least been there.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I miss them both terribly. Both very important people in my life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
suicide. So young.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Tell them how I feel.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I should have seen his death coming. That he was young, no doubt
felt alone (my parents are less than demonstrative), he was at
a cross road in life.
The night before he died I talked to
my mother and she relayed his depression. That he threatened it.
Why didn't I take action, why didn't I step in??
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust. The morning after my brother committed suicide I went to
my parents (and my former) doctors office to get relaxants for
my parents. The doctor (who had been a bitch to me in the past)
was kind to me. Unfortunately she later reported to my already
disraught parents that I seemed in denial and not handling the
death well. Thank you very much for adding more stress to my parents
lives Dr. Clement. I guess medical school did not teach you about
shock in the first 24 hours? Bitch. To the relief of my parents I
DID break down thank you very much.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Sadness and fear.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Little.
--Religious Affiliation:
Grew up Catholic. Both services in a Catholic church.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Like what I choose to believe. What makes the most sense to me and
not necessarily what one religion believes.
--Regarding MONEY:
Little issue with money in either death or demise. Live in Canada
where health care is assured.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
How in shock I was. How attending a funeral of a dearly loved is
so different from one that is more distant. My brothers funeral
was surreal, unreal and still to be digested some 17 years later.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How I embraced "life after death experiences" shortly after. It
became my religion, I lived and breathed it. Now 17 years later it
seems a distant memory and perhaps an ideology that helped me move
through two very painful losses.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
No idea. I was in proximity of neither when they passed. My parents
recall the 'smell of death' from my aunt who died of complicated
breast cancer.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I wish I had been there.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I never experienced this with the two close to me who died. I do
know I have dreamt of my brother many times. A few of those times
he was involved in daring adventures and I reminded him of his
mortality. He reminded me that he was already dead!
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
After doing this questionaire I feel a letter to both those dear
to me who have died is in order. A final goodbye and all I should
have said.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Steven I wish I was there for you. I have been through what you
did. Feeling depressed, like there was no way to turn or anyone
to turn to. The lonlieness of growing up in that house with so
many around. I wish I had listened to mom and taken the time to
figure out how down you were. I am so sorry I didn't...
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My mother and Nana report their departed children visiting them
after death. Have no personal experiences besides dreaming about
my brother and aunt.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am in the process of quitting smoking. The best thing I can do
for myself. Facing death I hope I can say to myself that I was
the most caring, loving and understanding person I could be. That I
made people feel good about themselves in my company. That I helped
those I work with and improved their lives even in a small way (
I work with individuals with mental handicaps)
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Writing to myself. Alone time.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Being more giving, open and loving to those around me. Going on
anti-depressants when I deemed depression was invading and taking
over my life.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
After my brother died an old boyfriend contacted me offering his
sympathies and memories of my brother. A few years later I married
him. 14 years later we have 3 kids, 2 dogs and a house together
and we are happy.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
We were not a 'feeling touching' family. No one was there. No
measures taken to comfort us, the children, while my father mourned.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
Understanding the sadness of my father. There was no
communication. No support.
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See May 06 contributions.
See Apr 06 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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