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See Current contributions.
See Apr 03 contributions.
See Mar 03 contributions.
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Thu May 29 15:50:57 2003
F60 in Davis, CA =USA=
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search
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Tibetan Book of the Dead
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Best Friend, 9 Years ago.
Cause of Death: complications from colon cancer; Aged: 51.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an ending to our material substance
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
laughed
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
his spirit strength
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
it is part of life
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my therapist
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
attachment
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
keep talking ... let the person go...give permission to leave...and
tell them you will be okay...and that they will remain in your heart,
guiding, informing, remaining present in your life --- thatyou have
learned their lessons--and Thank You.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the corporeal loss
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it wasn't laughter...it was light and warmth, like a mantle on my
shoulders...I laughed as a child, not as an adult.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
fight harder for life
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
stand up for the dying person's wishes
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
there was shrieking and gieving and hysterionics on one side of
the death bed, but my side was calm and silent
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how the death happened
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I grieve
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
this life was good enough
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it is what it is
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be sure dogs and cats went to heaven
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was grateful thatthe passage had been gentle
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
compassion
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
faith for the dead and the dying
--Religious Affiliation:
multi
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
the material flesh transubstantiated to spirit
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
speading the beloveds' ashes together at sea and the whales breeching
as if to celebrate the freedom obtained by the dead
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
saying goodbye to the family that lost it cohesion at death
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when someone doesn't want to remain material any more
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
grieving is forever
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
my shrink
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i converse with the dead all the time -- they are very present
in my life -- and I honor them with bells, candles, flowers, and
prayers, world-wide
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
DEath rode my shoulders like a mantle - it was warm and peaceful
and relieved from pain
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
before I die, I would like to let go of my attachments and, in my
own spirit life, successfully transubstantiate flesh into spirit.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Mother of...
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I will die, too, so I have time to accompany the dying when they
want me there
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
learn about it, embrace it, think about it, make Death a part of
your life.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no -- I am more isolated than before
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
believing it is part of the whole
attachment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I am attending seminary in the fall and plan to do hospice work when
I am done -- this after 25 years in science at a major university
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it's just good to say things, even in writing on a computer
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Mon May 26 08:10:44 2003
F43 in Wichita Falls, Texas =U.S.A.=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Into the Light
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Betty Eadie
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 34.
--Details:
hanged himself in our home
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
Ceasing to exist in this life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was astounded at how hard it hit me.
--That first time, how it happened was
Husband's suicide
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
That the funeral and burial were NOT a source of comfort but of
emotional consternation.
--What I think my (U.S.A.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
The grieving process never really stops. After you lose some one
close to you all the events of your life are classified according
to their time with regard to the loss; before or after it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The people I worked with took up a collection for my family. I was
now a single mother with two children to support and this gesture
meant alot to me. Other than that, I was "grateful" for NONE of
this sorry experience! I just know that it is something that must
be endured. It really is a part of life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Time. Just time.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Telling my children the cause of their father's death and dealing
with those consequences.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
I regret saying some of the things I said to my husband immediately
prior to his death. Things that can't now be taken back.
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Had to listen to my own heart and disregard the advice of many
well-intentioned "experts".
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
not go to sleep that night.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I was most thankful for the support of my family. I could not have
endured this tragedy without them.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I watch Jim Carrey movies. Jim Carrey reminds me of my husband.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
That the ramifications of a suicide's actions continue to affect
his family and loved ones for a VERY long time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went in to shock.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Contempt.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Religion offered no comfort in my circumstance. In fact I felt
ostracized because of the circumstances of my husband's death.
Suicide is not accepted by most contemporary religion. It is hard
to deal with the fact that most people believe that your loved one
is burning in hell.
--Religious Affiliation:
Recovering Catholic. Now, just confused.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I find comfort in the scientific hypothesis that both matter and
energy are neither created or destroyed, they only change form. I do
believe that the spirit goes on to exist in a different dimension
(call it heaven, if you will).
--Regarding MONEY:
Money cannot make you completely forget the reality of death but
is sure does provide a good distraction.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
It was not comforting. It, in fact, provided the substance of many
subsequent nightmares.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
That the person seems to have given up.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I am torn between never being able to forgive him for his desertion
and, at the same time, understanding what motivated him to do it.
I don't know if suicide is a cowardly act or a heroic one. I suppose
it depends on the circumstances.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have seen him in my dreams many times but have never felt the
"comfort" or the "presence" that some do.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My husband had expressed a wish to be cremated after death.
His parents were horrified when I suggested this. They insisted
on a traditional funeral and burial in the family plot. I could
not pay for the arrangements so they prevailed. I figured if it
provided them with some comfort it was OK. In a way I felt my
husband had forfeited his right to completely decide on this matter
when he ended his own life. I still feel that the funeral was just
one big show on the part of his family though.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Rather than forming new emerging friendships I felt shunned.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Death sucks but sometimes life does too. You have to take the good
with the bad and live every day.
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Sat May 24 10:12:53 2003
F54 in Yonkers, New York = USA=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 15 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 80.
--Details:
The other major death that affected me greatly in my life was my
mother's death in 1993. She died in the hospital after a prolonged
incapacity and the guilt I attached to her death was greater than
that of my father, which was more a shock and burden but not guilt.
My mother was not good about going for medical treatment of any
illness and she had several chronic diseases including arthritis.
She was in a wheelchair and practically helpless so I had to do
everything for her. I tried to do as she wished for four years until
I finally couldn't take it any more and felt we HAD to get some help.
Starting with a proper diagnosis. The doctor said that she had water
on the brain and that a relatively simple surgery (no more dangerous
than having a tooth pulled) would provide considerable improvement.
So over her protests I agreed to the surgery. She came through it
but during the recovery developed breathing problems and was put
on a respirator. In the days that followed they were unable to
wean her off the respirator which meant she would have to go into a
nursing home so we were waiting for an availability in a home that
took respirator patients, of which there were only four in this
area and as you would expect it might take months or years for a
place to become available. During the following month she began
to get high fevers that sapped what little strength she had left.
They were unable to determine the root cause of these infections.
They said it might be the shunt that was put in to alleviate the
water on the brain but by the time they came to this determination
she was far too weak to survive further surgery. They continued
to treat the symptoms but she became weaker and weaker until she
finally passed away. I blamed myself because I knew she had always
said that if she went into the hospital she would never come out
again and I felt as if I had forced her to go. It took quite a
while and many understanding words from people I know as well as the
great empathy of a particular singer whose music touched my soul,
for me to accept the fact that I was not at fault, that I had been
trying to do what was best for both her and me and that I might have
felt even worse if I had done nothing and she had died in the house
of neglect. I was also all alone after her death, having no family
and limited friends, most of whom were physically very distant.
I had to learn skills of coping with my life or what remained of
it when the "purpose" had been removed. I won't say that I made a
new life for myself but I have learned to deal with things and to
some extent enjoy life on my own.
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--Death Is:
an end to mortal, physical life. Some believe in a soul, a spirit
that lives on beyond the physical body and others do not.
--That first time, how it happened was
My father died in his sleep, very unexpectedly.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling alone and abandonned to learn to deal with things I did
not know how to deal with nor want to.
--What I think my ( USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To learn how to preserve the quality of life at the end of it
rather than use any extraordinary means to prolong the physical body
beyond the time when it can be called "living". Being kept alive
by a machine, like a vegetable, is not life, it is existence and I
would like to see more done to help people in extremis transition
into the hereafter.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I found a special someone who means the world to me, who understood
my pain as no one else did. I don't know whether I would have
found him if it had not been for the death experience that drew
us together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The music and comedy provided by this person described above.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Dealing with the new responsibilities and the change in my lifestyle.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The doctors pretty much gave up on helping my mother. They wrote her
off because she was old and weak and not very likely to get better.
Only one resident really tried to get to the bottom of what was
causing her fevers and when she was rotated to another service it
went back to simple custodial care.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell her I loved her more. But because of her difficult, irrational
personality, caused by the water on the brain, it was impossible
to be on those kinds of terms with each other. We were more often
adversarial and the thoughts and words of love and caring were hard
to come by.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I still dream about my parents often and feel their loss though
it is padded by the passing of the years. I wish I could feel
in better communication with their spirits, could hear what they
want to tell me, but I can't, not at their graves, not at home,
not anywhere. I still feel lost and abandonned.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that both people who I loved so greatly should have changed so much
in terms of their personalities with advancing years and health
issues that they were not the same person any longer. The one who
died was a burden and a difficulty, not the father and mother I
always loved. It isn't sweet and nice like you see in the movies.
Personality disruptions and illness change that person, make them
someone you could sooner hate than love and it is only the deep
love I had for them in all the previous years that kept me focused
on doing what I had to do for them. Especially true in the case of
my mother. I try to always remember her now the way she was before
her illness changed her so drastically. I want to remember the
loving, caring, easy going person she used to be not the dreadful
harpy she was in the last year or so of her life.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Grave skepticism. They did nothing to save my mother. In spite of
the x-rays they claim to have taken (sometimes more than one a day
according to the bills submitted to Medicare) they were unable to
do anything to prevent the breathing episode that put her on the
respirator and that was the beginning of the end for her. I have
not had very great help from the medical community for illnesses of
my own so this has only reinforced to me the fact that while some
people really are helped/cured by doctors most of us are just made
dependent on them and never really helped at all.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It didn't really play a part in my death experiences. I was never
especially religious so I did not have any personal relationship with
our church pastor nor was one offerred at the time of the funeral.
The one thing I remember is that a priest spoke a few soothing
platitudes to me at the hospital when my mother was operated on
but later when I needed him he was nowhere to be found.
--Religious Affiliation:
Catholic
--Regarding MONEY:
It cost a hell of a lot for just the most basic kind of funeral which
I think is taking advantage of people when they are most vulnerable.
Since I am the only child there were no issues regarding inheritance.
I got it all.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The funeral director and staff was very helpful and understanding
but other than that the entire process sucked. No one came, not
relatives, friends or even the curious. Who cares?
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Time is the only thing that really helps, distance brings
blessed relief. If going through the grieving alone seems terribly
burdensome, try grief counseling or talking to a priest or clergyman.
A lot of people find this helpful. I didn't. For me it was that
one singer's music and the kind words of a few friends that helped
but mostly I muddled through it myself.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
None. I don't really believe in that. I think most of it is just
people's own imaginations. They see what they want or expect to see.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have resolved my issues of anger and guilt over my mother's death
as I described in an earlier question. There is no other way to
resolve them. No one can bring her back for a consultation.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I have never had such an experience. While I have dreamed about
my parents it never felt like a visitation or message from them.
It was more from my own subconscious, using them as characters.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think that people who are at or near the end of their lives should
have their wishes set down while they are still competent to do so
and these dying declarations, whatever they be, should be upheld
without question. If a person says they do not want extraordinary
measures taken to prolong their lives artificially this should be
respected and honored, not have doctors or even children saying
that the person was not in their right mind when they said that
and therefore it should not be adhered to. If I thought my wishes
would be respected I would produce such a document right now, long
before the need for it, but I highly doubt it would be adhered to.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I don't have any strong feelings about my own mortality. I don't
have a whole lot to live for, no spouse, no children, so death may
more likely be a release from the pain of a life filled with chronic
problems and aggravations. The only thing I would want to do if I
knew I was going to die soon would be to try and spend as much of
my money as possible before I do, try to see as many places as my
health will allow me to travel to.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She came. She didn't conquer. She's gone. RIP.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My only continuing relationship resulting from the death was the one
with the singer described above. It is not a personal relationship,
but a more distant one, but he means the world to me and always will.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Friends' Sensitivities
One in particular who seemed to understand what I was feeling better
than most people
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
He had been in such good health that it seemed impossible that he
could just be gone from us so suddenly and unexpectedly. Since my
father took care of most everything concerning the running of the
house and cared for my mother who was in very poor health I suddenly
found myself overwhelmed with responsibilities and duties that I
didn't understand how to deal with nor did I really want to assume
them but there was no one else to do it as I am an only child and
there were no nearby relatives. I felt as if an albatross had
been dropped on my shoulders and I would never come up from its
grim shadow.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish a lot of people would have reached out to me and helped me,
either physically getting my life in order or at least emotionally
getting my head in order but I got little of that. As I say my
friends were physically distant and they did what they could but it
wasn't all that much. There was one young woman I tried to reach
out to at the grief counseling workshop I attended for a time and my
thanks was a kick in the teeth because I wouldn't go with her to put
palms on her parents grave in the middle of a driving rainstorm on
Palm Sunday. She totally ignored and reviled me from that point on.
So much for trying to do good.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Not really. I think it brought up the anger and bitterness more
than it helped. But since I started it I decided to see it through
to completion. I don't think it is the fault of the questionnaire
itself just the fault of the process in itself. It didn't help me.
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Mon May 19 10:43:32 2003
F27 in bakersfield, ca =usa=
Email: <christine-at-tigertails.com>
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: research associate. graduate student in sociology
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 31 Days ago.
Cause of Death: lymphoma; Aged: 74.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
expiration of life
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried
--That first time, how it happened was
I was told that my grandma was sick. Then a few weeks later that
her heart had stopped while she was in the hospital. I was upset
that no one had told me how serious it was. I thought there was
nothing to worry about.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
a great feeling of loss accompanied by an overwhleming desire to
see them one more time.
feeling of denial when i was first told
over the phone. wanting to rush over to find the person still there.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
getting rid of the mystery that is taught to children about death
because this causes fear.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the 2 living people that i have left
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
still dealing with it.. not sure yet
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling so alone
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
making sure that all loved ones were around that person so that
they would feel the love around them and not be scared
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
ask who my biological father is
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
rub lotion on her feet when they were swollen
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
every time i think about it
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would be sitting on her porch drinking coffee and talking about
the problems in our family or in the world
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
it's just not fair that she died now when she was suppose to live
another 20 years.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
didn;t believe it. i thought they were wrong and just needed to
check her heart again. If they did that, then they would see she
was still alive
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
hmm.. eh
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no hospice .. too fast
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
having a priest at the funeral
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
leaves me looking for sign that the person is still here in spirit
somehow
--Regarding MONEY:
not an issue... she had everything taken care of and paid for
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
peaceful wake and nice service
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
taking pictures of the person in her casket
while she was in the
casket:
tearing out pieces of hair and putting it in her pocket
writing notes to her and putting them in her pocket
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
extreme fatigue
extreme amounts of vomiting or
extreme greying
of the skin
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
no ghost sightings or anything of that nature have happeneed to me
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
nope
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
i wish i could have gotten her voice on tape. also asked her my
biological father is
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
it wouldn't i just want her back now
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
she loved butterflies.. there were none in my garden last year. Now
there are butterflies now and then in my garden, one even came
into the house.
I had a dream that i was pregnant, it was a girl,
and i named the baby after the dead person. Then i found out i am
pregnant. She loved babies.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am scared of death
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
i would make sure i talked about my daughter and husband.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
she loved daisies. when i go to her grave i first stop by her house
and pick some of her own daisies. i take them to her.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes i am pregnant now
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
reached out to the person's spouse. i have tried to be there for
him although it is painful for me
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes it has been useful
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Sat May 10 23:38:09 2003
F56 in Baton Rouge, LA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Parole Officer
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 27 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 3 yrs old.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transition
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a child, my great aunt died. I was not sure what death was -
I do remember having vivid dreams of her and seeing her a the foot
of my bed.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone was uncomfortable around me - my family never encouraged
me to talk about my son's death - my mother was very much focused
on herself and her grief, not mine.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is only a passage to another level & funerals are totally
rediculous
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My son was very special - and just before he died, he conveyed to
a nurse (who was w/ him) that "I want my mama." (I had briefly left
the room)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The need to work through it to be there for my seven year old son -
my support came from him and from within myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Missing my baby so much, I physically ached.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
My elderly mother recently died of cancer at the age of 80. I was
there to touch her, sing old hymns to her, thank her for being my
mother, and talk to her of her never dying spirit & soul that would
always "live on."
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have the distinct feeling that my purpose as her daughter (for we
were never really close) was to be w/ her when she was dying to
alleviate the extreme fear she had
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she fought for soooo long - over 24 hrs - due to her fear (it
seemed), instead of peacefully "letting go."
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was expressing my true feelings regarding all the people at my
mother's wake standing over the casket and remarking how "good"
she looked!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to tell my father just what an impact he made on my thinking
processes and they related to spirituality
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be w/ my son for three years (he was truly special) and at the time
of his death
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my mother gazed into my eyes when I would be talking to her (she
could not verbally respond) and literally hold me spellbound w/ her
look in an attempt to convey her understanding of what I was saying
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the illusion that my mother was suffering - I, personally, felt
what her physical body was experiencing was not connected to her
soul/spirit' experience
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I let the "barriers" down that I have built up over the 27 years
since my son's death - then it seems as though it was only yesterday
& the "ache" and void are crushing
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I've never gone there
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my father, who was such a deep, introspective person, died
so young, leaving me w/ no one to have "deep discussions" with,
and my mother, who was totally dependent on all her children for
"a life," lived such a long life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hold my little boy one more time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was in a total state of denial - this being when my father died
suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 58 - I still cannot believe
he is dead and it has been 23 years
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
compassion & competentcy where my child was concerned. Inadequate
care for my father. Too much care in my mother's case (lung cancer -
chemo & radiation at age of 80!!!)
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very negative regarding my mother - luckily, my two siblings &
myself were well-read and knowledgeable, otherwise, the experience
would have been devastating
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
For me it meant nothing - my spirituality comes from within, that
part of me that is a part of God
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist/past
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
"Right"
--Regarding MONEY:
it was very important to my siblings
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
In the most recent case of my mother - I felt it was such a farce -
my sister wanted a "tribute" - why? the woman was dead - and for
the most part, those in attendance were there to "see & be seen."
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The total peace & relief I felt after my mother's death
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
In the case of my mother - what one would perceive as "confusion,"
I believe was a "readying," - "review" of her life
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
denial, anger, bargaining, etc. did not come "in that order,"
and I went "back & forth," and became "stuck" quite often
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I spoke frequently in those last hours of my mother's life of each
loved one that had gone before and asked her if they were around
her - she always responded w/ "that gaze," and distinctive grunts.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I still have somewhat negative feelings toward my mother, for she
was unforgiving when I "marched to my own beat," I silently tell
her that I know she realizes now "appearances" just really do not
matter & that I am working toward understanding she did the best
she could do
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like for my mother to tell me she loves me and that she
appreciates the independent, free spirit that I am
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My child, my father, and my mother have all returned in dreams -
I also feel their presence frequently and talk to them freely
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My Right to Die - My desire for no obit, no funeral & my wish to
be cremated
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Although I have no desire to rush it, I look forward to "moving on,"
and am not the least bit fearful!
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I have not desire to have an obituary - those who have touched my
life and whose lives I have touched are all that matter & I feel
no need for "people to remember things about me that they might
read in an obituary."
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fri May 9 15:22:45 2003
F57 in Eugene, OR =USA=
Name: Shirley
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Prof/Studies: former teacher, writer, now office manager
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Knew it was coming
I was relieved that she was no longer in pain. I was very sad and
feeling alone since I was closest to her than anyone in my family.
After a few years I found metaphysics which gave me a great
understanding of all involved.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
Six months beforehand the doctor told me she had only weeks to live.
I screamed at him..."NO!" I think my mother heard me. She lived for
six more months...it was even more painful than if she had died at
Christmas. Then I felt guilty that I might have caused her to stay
longer and suffer more, just to be with me. It was very difficult.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sat May 10 23:38:09 2003
F56 in Baton Rouge, LA =USA=
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Prof/Studies: Parole Officer
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 27 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart failure; Aged: 3 yrs old.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a transition
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was a child, my great aunt died. I was not sure what death was -
I do remember having vivid dreams of her and seeing her a the foot
of my bed.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
everyone was uncomfortable around me - my family never encouraged
me to talk about my son's death - my mother was very much focused
on herself and her grief, not mine.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is only a passage to another level & funerals are totally
rediculous
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My son was very special - and just before he died, he conveyed to
a nurse (who was w/ him) that "I want my mama." (I had briefly left
the room)
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The need to work through it to be there for my seven year old son -
my support came from him and from within myself.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Missing my baby so much, I physically ached.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
My elderly mother recently died of cancer at the age of 80. I was
there to touch her, sing old hymns to her, thank her for being my
mother, and talk to her of her never dying spirit & soul that would
always "live on."
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have the distinct feeling that my purpose as her daughter (for we
were never really close) was to be w/ her when she was dying to
alleviate the extreme fear she had
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she fought for soooo long - over 24 hrs - due to her fear (it
seemed), instead of peacefully "letting go."
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was expressing my true feelings regarding all the people at my
mother's wake standing over the casket and remarking how "good"
she looked!
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to tell my father just what an impact he made on my thinking
processes and they related to spirituality
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be w/ my son for three years (he was truly special) and at the time
of his death
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my mother gazed into my eyes when I would be talking to her (she
could not verbally respond) and literally hold me spellbound w/ her
look in an attempt to convey her understanding of what I was saying
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the illusion that my mother was suffering - I, personally, felt
what her physical body was experiencing was not connected to her
soul/spirit' experience
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I let the "barriers" down that I have built up over the 27 years
since my son's death - then it seems as though it was only yesterday
& the "ache" and void are crushing
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I've never gone there
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my father, who was such a deep, introspective person, died
so young, leaving me w/ no one to have "deep discussions" with,
and my mother, who was totally dependent on all her children for
"a life," lived such a long life.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
hold my little boy one more time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was in a total state of denial - this being when my father died
suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 58 - I still cannot believe
he is dead and it has been 23 years
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
compassion & competentcy where my child was concerned. Inadequate
care for my father. Too much care in my mother's case (lung cancer -
chemo & radiation at age of 80!!!)
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
very negative regarding my mother - luckily, my two siblings &
myself were well-read and knowledgeable, otherwise, the experience
would have been devastating
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
For me it meant nothing - my spirituality comes from within, that
part of me that is a part of God
--Religious Affiliation:
Baptist/past
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
"Right"
--Regarding MONEY:
it was very important to my siblings
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
In the most recent case of my mother - I felt it was such a farce -
my sister wanted a "tribute" - why? the woman was dead - and for
the most part, those in attendance were there to "see & be seen."
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The total peace & relief I felt after my mother's death
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
In the case of my mother - what one would perceive as "confusion,"
I believe was a "readying," - "review" of her life
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
denial, anger, bargaining, etc. did not come "in that order,"
and I went "back & forth," and became "stuck" quite often
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I spoke frequently in those last hours of my mother's life of each
loved one that had gone before and asked her if they were around
her - she always responded w/ "that gaze," and distinctive grunts.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I still have somewhat negative feelings toward my mother, for she
was unforgiving when I "marched to my own beat," I silently tell
her that I know she realizes now "appearances" just really do not
matter & that I am working toward understanding she did the best
she could do
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would like for my mother to tell me she loves me and that she
appreciates the independent, free spirit that I am
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
My child, my father, and my mother have all returned in dreams -
I also feel their presence frequently and talk to them freely
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My Right to Die - My desire for no obit, no funeral & my wish to
be cremated
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Although I have no desire to rush it, I look forward to "moving on,"
and am not the least bit fearful!
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I have not desire to have an obituary - those who have touched my
life and whose lives I have touched are all that matter & I feel
no need for "people to remember things about me that they might
read in an obituary."
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Silence & Taboos
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wed May 7 18:09:19 2003
F17 in =Australia=
Email: <ainz_angela-t-hotmail.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 3 Months ago.
Cause of Death: Heart Attack; Aged: 46.
--Details:
It was extremely unexpected
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When your complete physical being stops working. You are still
present and alive spiritually but your internal organs stop working
and your body dies.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was young and didn't understand. i knew though that I would not
see this person again but why I wouldn't I had no idea.
--That first time, how it happened was
My father died suddenly from a heart attack about 3 months ago.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Seeing my father lying there the night he died, he was already dead
when we arrived at hospital. I just remeber him lyiong there and
feeling his cold face and him smelling like normal.
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I am unsure that I have a position to depict what anyone needs
to learn.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When I was at the hospital in the bathroom my father spoke to me
and said "hello ainz". That was great as I knew he was there.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I am yet to find it
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
It was my dad, and the world continues to go on while I am sad
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feel that there is a life that comes after death
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
He died and I don't know why
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
say I love you that last time and give a life full of hugs and
kisses.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
It's not real, this is the worst dream i have ever had, let me
wake up.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
My family and Friends have been excellent in this time, and also
the feeling of having to be strong for my mother
I am still not over the death and it has not sunk in yet
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Mon May 5 23:13:41 2003
F41 in Traralgon, Victoria =Australia=
Name: Ruth McFarlane
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Found us by: [ CrossLink from: ]
Centre for Grief Education (Australia)
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Prof/Studies: Lecturer
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Worden
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 26 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 47.
--Details:
It was so sudden. There are so many things that have been left
unsaid. I think one of the hardest things for me is that, at the
time Dad died, I was an egocentric teenager and did not tell him
how special he was to me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
ceasing to physically exist in this dimension. I hope that life of
the soul would continue in some way
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was so numbed and shocked. A dead person looks really DEAD. They
don't move, don't breath and the lips are blue. I kept hoping I
could find a way to change what had happened. I couldn't. It made
me feel very weak and powerless.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Loneliness. Fear that my Mum would die and there would be nobody
to help me/care for me.
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
To allow people more time to grieve. There was an expectation that
we (the children) would just "get over it" and do OK at school and
that grieving was for the adults to do.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a loved friend of the family comforting me so kindly. I said to
hi "Uncle John, when am I going to get over this?". "my dear" he
said "You do not "get over it" but you will grow used to it. I am
eternally grateful for his kind words and gentle ways.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Having my horse to ride, seeing movies with friends, my aunty who
would let me talk about what happened.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My mother's expectation that I would help her handle the financial
affairs of the household, look after my grandfather who lived with
us when she flitted of for holidays here and there,and wanted me
to organise life for us all so that it was "normal".
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Talk about everyday things and let them talk about their fears and
condition. Don't try to stop them talking about what they want to
leave to who or whether someone has irritated them. Acknowledge
their uniqueness.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I looked at my Dad lying dead on the floor and saw urine stain his
trousers. I remeber feeling that he would be so embarrassed because
he was such a dignified man. The fact that he was dead did not make
my embarrassment on his behalf any less.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never had this reaction
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell him what a great Dad he was. Bury myself in his big warm hug
and feel safe and sure again.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
The funeral. I just wish it could have been more private. I know
its supposed to be everybody's chance to say goodbye but I didn't
really need that ceremony. I think I would have gained more from
the cremation ceremony which was much more quiet and private.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Yeah, it might have been 26 years ago but I still feel the loss
very keenly. I get teary when I think of other people I love dying,
sometimes.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think I'd be much better off. Dad would have helped us (my
husband and I) earlier on when we were struggling to buy a home
and so forth. Mum tried to be helpful but tended to spend all
the inhereted money on holidays, four interstate moves, grog,
cigarettes, interior decorators, landscape gardners, etc. I don't
think Mum would have gone off the rails with her drinking either. I
think maybe there would have been a bit more fun in life.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why didn't Grandpa die! He's old, and mean as well, and I'd rather
have Dad than him!
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
NO! The ambulance officers will bring him round any minute. NO! I
can't change this. Please don't go now - I love you.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The technology of triple bypass operations wasn't around in 1977. I
bear no grudge to the medical fraternity.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
Have been a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints in more recent
times but didn't find what I was looking for. At the time of Dad's
death, I had no particular religious affiliation.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
entirely reasonable. I am sure my Dad has helped me in my life. It
gives hope that there is a reason for existence.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The lack of privacy. I was supposed to be fulfilling a role. When I
cried at the funeral, relatives said later that I "broke down" and I
considered this quite insulting. Even from my current perspective,
the expression of my grief at Dad's funeral was not a "break down"
but a reasonable reaction. The funeral seemed like a circus because
there were so many people there. I felt like a bit of an afterthought
as alot of the time, I just seemed to be sitting or standing on
my own.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
wondering whether we would get Dad's wrist watch back (we did). It
was so "him" and I just wanted to have it with me (I still have it).
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
they don't always happen in th "Kubler-Ross" order and
they don't
reflect the compexity of the process.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
death was too sudden for any awareness of this phenomenon to have
taken place (that I know of).
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
The unresolved stuff largely centres on the "I love you" that
I never got to say to him. I keep telling him in my mind that I
love him. To be honest, this isn't something I lose sleep over,
so I guess the issue is largely resolved.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would say to Dad how special he was. I never had to be anybody but
myself for him. It was enough. I think he fulfilled the desirable
task of providing "unconditional positive regard". I would love
to be able to say thank you. I would really like to apologise for
my teenage egocentrism - I know he was a bit disappointed that I
seemed to be drifting away from him at the time that he died. I
think I'd like to hear him say how happy he is for me. That he
likes the person that I have become.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Dad has vivted me in dreams and given me comfort and assurance. I
have sometimes been angry with him because, in the dream, its
like his death didn't happen and he just went on a long holiday or
something. Sometimes he's married another woman and I wonder how
I'm going to tell Mum. Other times he just wants to see what I'm
up to and we talk about how life for me is. Some dreams, its so
hard to hear what he's saying and I seem to be yelling to him to
make myself heard.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not ready yet. I hve too much I want to do. I want to be like
the old woman in the movie Titanic" - "die an old, old woman in a
nice warm bed". I am frightened of non-existence because there is
so much that I love about being alive.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Loved life, loved horses and cats. Loved to sit and watch the grass
grow. Loved her husband Scott with every part of her soul.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I look at a picture of Dad and I on a beach together that was taken
when I was 14. He is holding me in his arm like we were doing a
tango and smiling so delightedly, as am I. I look at this photo
and I talk to him. Sometimes I just close my eyes and remember
the smell of the sea and hear the waves on the beach. Sometimes I
feel like I can still remember the sound of his voice and even his
smell. It makes me feel closer to him and its very comforting.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
After Dad died, my Mum and I grew very close. I think we actually had
a mutually dependent and probably unhealth y relationship. She wanted
me to be the strong one that took over and organised everything. I
wanted her to give me emotional support. I don't think either of
us managed to fulfill the others wishes that well but we were both
too scared to let go.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
More than one thing needed. Talking to people, talking to my Dad in
quiet moments (I'm sure he is still with me in some way), crying,
being very physically active, etc., etc.,
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
Mother unwilling to allow me to attend the cremation service and
then refused to allow me to se the site at the crematorium
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Provoked that eary feeling at times. Brought forth some of the
resentment I have been harbouring twards my mother. Has certainly
helped focussed some of the ideas about death/bereavement I have had.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Sun May 4 15:15:18 2003
F41 in hesperia, ca. =u.s.=
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
psychology project
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Prof/Studies: psycology
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More personal info:
no
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Recommended Reading-- Titles:
none
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
n/k
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 1 Years ago.
Cause of Death: pankriatic cancer; Aged: 44.
--Details:
we were at my other cousins funeral and we were talking about our
parents growing older and how we had to stary worrying about what
was going to happen to them. two months later we found out that
my young cousin(we grew up like sisters when we were young) had
cancer. we hoped for it to be ok but everyone in the family who
had cancer, died. my cousin died 3 months later.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the final stage of life. we learn to love people and have them in
our lives, and then they go away forever.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
most recent. shocked! angry! so saddened. unbelieviable another
one being taken away. questioned life and still do.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
our saddness and fear.
--What I think my (u.s.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
excepting it as a part of life, to the point of being able to
embrase it because it will come for everyone, and being at inner
peace with it will make it better for the person dying and the
people left behind.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
is having some kind of faith that there is an after life in which
we will meet again. each time death occurs we question our beleifs
and ponder on the what ifs after death. believing that one is better
off and on a new path.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family, knowing that we weren't going through it alone. sometimes
just sitting and enjoying the day and feeling that the person lost
was having a good time somewhere else. watching a good movie about
death not being something to fear is also a good help. talking with
differnt people and about their beliefs is great too. all are good
support systems.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
are the unanswered questions about why some have to suffer so
bad before they die. why someone young has to go before they are
finished here? and not knowing if we really will ever see them
again, or is life here on earth it? missing the person and not
being able to share things with them anymore. the list is long
because everything about death is really unanswered.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
knowing that they were loved. they did make a difference to someone
elses life. that i was there, they weren't alone in their experience.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
feel about them, and my feelings about how i want to be put to
rest. the family will express more on how much we love eachother
because you never know when something can happen. i also appreciate
each day on earth as much as i can. i want to learn so much and
mostly so that i can be at peace when i die, and i also want my
family to be at peace. no unanswered questions.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
was why would someone choose to make their last days so miserable
by trying to prolong life even if they are only given a 2 percent
chance of surving a little longer.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
yes! i have had this experience. i hated myself for the longest
time thinking that i was a cruel and unsensitive person. my husband
seems to think that this is the body or mind protecting itself at
the time because it is just to much to handle.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
sit and talk with her about our life together as kids. that she
did mean a lot to me. we didn't get to do this because her husband
wouldn't let the family see her. they stayed in denial until the
day she died. because of this she didn't get to see us, and review
our lives together.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
see her for 15 minutes just 1 month after she found out about the
cancer. she still had hope, and was as beautiful as ever. just a
little weak. also that her sisters and i were able to laugh after
the funeral about some of the things we did as kids together.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i don't think its small but shortly after hearing a song and
laughing because it made me feel as if we were together again being
silly kids.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
not apply because everyone handles it in their own way and what
matters to them is important. unless it has to do with who will
get what. that makes me sick!
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i think i will never see her again. or when i hear a certain
song. stevie wonders songs yester me yester you has the words in it
" what happened to the world we knew" all the memories of our dreams
we had as children and how differntly everything turned out.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
ofcorse no suffering over having to loose people you love, and i
would stay in the innocense of a child. we would be laughing and
playing just as we use to. nothing could ever hurt us again. and
we'd always have eachother.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
all the time. the why question is repeated over and over
again. anger!!!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die and get it over with. i get tired of being scared one minute
and wondering the next. i have even thought of digging up the person
and shaking them saying wake up wake up.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
life sucks! life is scary. why her? how can we keep going through
this?
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they can't do as much as i thought they could. they never really
have an answer, and at one time in my life i thought that they
were god but now i know they really know so little and that they
are only human.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
hospice is good. they help controll the suffering of the dying and
help the family. i feel that i'm glad to know hospice is there if
they are needed.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
for me just being spiritual helps. i don't like religion because
some would say that the person is going to hell. others would say
that the limbo process has to take place because she was a sinner.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic, morman, non-denomial chuches
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
i believe this. everyone has their own path to travel but the paths
all lead to one God.
--Regarding MONEY:
in the past in the family there were fights over money or
property. if these type of things come about i don't get involved
because they mean so little compared to our journey that we must
take on the earth and perhaps after we leave this earth.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that the husband didn't include anyone else but himself and their
kids. he left out that she had a mother, father, sisters, brothers,
cousins etc... the priest seemed as if he was totally bored with
the whole thing and that it couldn't end fast enough for him.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
thinking am i next?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the way the eyes look, lack of wanting food and water. talking to
self as if there were someone there that the rest of the family
could not see. hospice explains all the signs to prepare the family.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it's both scarier and reliefing at the same time. no one likes to
see someone they love suffer to nothing but bones and each stage
is a grieving process, until you see the person suffering so bad
that you are begging God to take them.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
we will never know because we didn't get to talk to her about the
experiences she was going through, but at times i have felt that
she is with me and i almost feel as if she is inside of me living
through me. i feel as if she has come into my dreams trying to tell
me something, and her sisters have felt the same thing.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
my mom was in the hospital, and had just received blood after
surgery. we were sitting there talking to her when all of a
sudden she started talking to someone else. them it turned into an
argument with whom ever she was speaking to. she kept saying that she
wanted to go back to the white room and she was angry at whom ever
had brought her back. we found out that the blood they had given
her almost killed her, or did kill her but something brought her
back. she doesn't remember most of the experience but she says that
she was in a very pretty white room and it was very peaceful and she
didn't want to leave it and thats why she was fighting to come back.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
by talking with other family members who feel the same way and we
all give eachother advice.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
to express how we felt about eachother and how we touched eachothers
lives. it would be better closer.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
yes, i have felt my cousin in a dream as if she was trying to say
something to me, and i have felt her inside of me.
another time
my mother in law came to me in my dream and told me to tell her
kids that she was so happy and finally at peace where she was.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
how you want to be put to rest. cremation, or in the ground.
party
but no funeral. greive if you wish but only for a short time then
go and enjoy life until we meet again.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i really don't know but i hope that after the fear and anger that
i would be able to talk to others about what i was going through
and what it felt like.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
she was messed up but she enjoyed people and life most of the
time. she was loved and loved most everyone. she is on her next
journey.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
talking, talking, talking. questioning life and death. partying to
celebrate ones life and the happy times we shared. beleiving that
there is something after death.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
the ones that i have already shared
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no i did not experience this
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
the other children in the family and us talking about it and making
up our own story.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Funeral and Rituals
funerals were scary as a child and i still don't like them to
this day
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
just being there having someone to talk to no matter how silly they
think they sound let them know that it is not silly to you.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
yes but it is long and necessary. i feel that questions can be
answered better if you do take brakes.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
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Sat May 3 21:30:43 2003
F23 in apple valley, california =usa=
Name: teresa
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Found us by: [ Class Project of: ]
Psychology 10, developmental psychology
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Prof/Studies: student, nursing
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
no
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
no
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: liver cancer; Aged: 53.
--Details:
it happend quickly only a few months since her diagnosis. I was
acting as if everything was ok and that it really couldnt be
happening to the family, to me. I was angry at the doctors for not
catching sooner. because by the time they did it was too late.
I didnt spend as much time with her as i should have and i was
selfish and didnt take care of her as i should have and my guilt
over this keeps me up on some nights.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an end to who you are. Nothingness. People refering to you in the
past tense.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young but the first time it really affected me was when my
mother died when i was 21.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
shock and exteme disbelife.
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to treat the people dying with greater respect.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
now i will be able to look back to fond memories of my mother taking
care of me but now i will be able to become independent
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my family.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that i could no longer talk to my mother or hug her any more.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to spend as much time with your loved one, give in to all their
requests help them as much as you can and love them.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
learned to be self-sufficient, i can now do things on my own that
before i relied soley on my mother to do for me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
The doctor's had no answers and they couldnt help her.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i was glad for being able to laugh at times, i know my mother
wouldnt want me to cry all the time.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
i do regret things alot, some of them are that i wish i had spent all
my time with her instead of doing other things, that i had done the
little things she had asked of me and that i had treated he better.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
to apoligize to my mother for the way i was when i was a teenager,
and that she forgave me and told me how much she loved me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
she told me she loved me and that it was ok.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
telling me how sorry they were and that if i needed anything
to just ask. This seems so fake to me because truly they dont
have feelings towards us specifically. most just say that to say
something. they are gflad that it didnt happen to them. and nmost
have no intentions on doing anything to help. i will acknowledge
that there are always those that are truly sincere.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
when mothers day comes around and my birthday, my mother died the
night before mothers day which was only 12 mdays before my birthday.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
she would be here helping me pack, talking with me getting excited
about i learned in school and just being my freind.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
this shouldent have happend, she was young and if the doctors had
been competent they could have cought it in time to have been able
to do something to help her.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
see her for just one more time even if it is a shot time.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldnt belive that the moment we saw my mother stop breathing was
it that we would no longer have her in our lives.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
shattered reality, beforew i thought that they could take care of
everything. noe i know better they make mistakes.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they were kind and helpfull and they didnt lie to us about what
was going on
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
that there is hope i will oneday see her in heaven or know that
she is there and extremly happy.
--Religious Affiliation:
coptic orthodox
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like hope, i sometimes think of her as watching over me and that
when i die i will see her again.
--Regarding MONEY:
everything was taken care of my aunt payed for it all and really
played no part in it for me.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that there was really no one there. it saddned me that her family
was not there only 4 people attender me, my husband , my father
and my father boss. that was all, my mother was a good woman who
had done alot for people and no one came. but it wasent all their
fault he death was npot publized.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
was he body in our living room. she really didnt look like herself
it was unreal, and she kept getting colder. i kept holding her hand
and kissing her cheek expecting her to smile, but she never did.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
not wanting to eat, staring off into space. saying incoherent things.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
it was shock disbelife and then extreme sadness and guilt.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i think that rthis did happen to her she kept staying at the ceiling
mumbling and i think she was talking to someone.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
no
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
no one can help me resolve the guilt i feel so i dont know what
to do.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would hug her and not let go i would tell her how much i miss
her and love her. i would ask for her forgivness themn i would talk
about everything, her life experiences anything that i could.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my mother is in my dreams alot. what happens is that she comes back
and tells me that i was mistaken nothing like her dying ever happened
and i get so happy. but when i wake up i feel cold and there is a
knot in my stomach because i know she is dead and not coming back
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
before a person dies i feel that everthing that they want should at
least be tried to be accomplished. however after death the family
needs to do what is best like the funeral and how they body should
be buryed should be up to the close family mainly.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i have not really thought about it, but the times i have i get a
cold feeling of fear.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
accomplished nurse. survived by her husband an 3 kids. she was
loved and will be missed
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i keep her pillow around. after she was diagnosed i bought her a
hello kitty pillow (everyone called her kitty) she loved it and had
it with her when she passed. i used to hold it when i slept and i
took it with me to speacial places. i would talk aloud to it as if
through that pillow she would be there. it is in my car right now.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
already did the pillow is in my car.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i have found a freind that i think my mother would haved loved and
i try to do things that me and my mother used to do with her.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Dissociation
I did not deal very well, i felt alot of guilt over things said in
past and things i had not done for her that i should have
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
as i said before guilt but also the way my husband and father acted
at times toward me in dealing with it. My father did not talk about
it much and when we did it was then uncomfertable. my husband who
lost his mother years before was a little mean in how he told me
to get over things
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i wasent able
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it was helpful in letting out emotions and thoughts that i have
not been able to let out before.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no
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Thu May 1 15:19:33 2003
F47 in Tucson, AZ =USA=
Email: <grace-at-gci-net.com>
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just found out a dear friend has suffered a massive heart attack;
I'm at work, was looking for something prayerful.
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More personal info:
I'm getting ready to teach workshops in Ethical Wills, and return
to hospice work.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Coming Home, by Deborah Duda,
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Leo Buscaglia's book about a leaf...
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother-in-Law, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: strokes/heart failure; Aged: 83.
--Details:
She was loved by everyone, and spent the last 3 months of her life
in hospital and rehab, while the doctors, nurses and I were praying
for hospice. My husband and his siblings couldn't bear it, and I was
even accused of 'trying to kill his mother'. It changed my life,
and following her death, I got my hospice volunteer training,
and helped my mother (to the extent I was allowed) to relax and
remember and smile her way out of this world and into the next.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a beginning and an end. We end our time here, and are born into a
new life in a new way, in a place we don't know about, but believe
in with all our hearts.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was astonished at how the world just kept on going, when I had
lost my father! It was sort of overwhelming. Then I saw it happen
to so many other families who lost someone. People are afraid to
talk about it, for fear that they might start someone crying or
something. Talking, and feeling, and remembering are the best ways
to dignify and finalize it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the fear that the family members had, and the incredible sadness. It
was almost an out-of-body thing for me, as I knew how relieved she
was to be finally through with that clinker of a body she'd been
trapped in for those months. Noone wanted to come into the room to
help as I bathed and dressed her. The hospital nurses said they'd
never had anyone even ask to do that, but they realized that she
and I had a special understanding, and that we had talked a lot
about these 'old ways' of saying goodbye to a loved one. One of
them told me how wonderful she thought it was, and she cried.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Death is not to be feared. The dead are not to be feared either. We
have ornate funerals to 'say goodbye', yet run from the chance to
spend time with the newly dead, to talk to them, thank them, give
them blessings. To touch them, bathe and dress them. Our ancestors
did these things, as do many of the world's people to this day. It
is a wonderful and natural goodbye.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My mother-in-law gave me a gift through the months I cared for her
as she got ready to die. She helped me to learn about the process
of dying, and the dignity we need to allow the dying to maintain
but so often forget. She let me see that the end of life process
in this country is terribly underserved, and that I must do what
I can to improve it.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
putting time into helping others. Whether it was at church, my kids'
schools, a neighbor, whatever. I could experience Life happening
still. I still think about her, and I think it's a part of my
healing, and my living. It's good.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not having her there anymore. Knowing that her wisdom and kindness
wasn't there anymore, unless it was alive in those of us that she
loved and taught. The hole in our lives that she filled. We had to
refill it with others that we can love and teach.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Touching, and eye contact, and a calm, warm smile. Sometimes the
person will appreciate some favorite music, or a reading from a
favorite piece of literature or the Bible or whatever. Refrain
from conversations with other people present about things like
getting your hair done, or the war, etc. My sisters and I had our
mom as close to laughing as she could come with stroies about our
youth...she really liked the memories.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
we should never underestimate the dying. sometimes they want to
laugh, and to make us laugh. it's a great leveling force.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
get her to hospice early on.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
arrange my schedule (and have other family members do the same)
so that we could be with her 24/7. There were a lot of good times
with her at varying stages.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
when a friend's father died, leaving a wife and 9 kids. How tough
for all of them...
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
knew she had waited until none of her family was there. She waited
for the only time that we had left her with a 'caregiver', and
went about 15 minutes after we left. I know she thought it would
be easier on us.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
growth. I was amazed at how open and supportive they were of hospice
and alternative end-of-life care.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
The family wouldn't go with hospice, much to my dismay.
--Religious Affiliation:
Swedenborgian. Grew up attending Catholic/Episcopal churches with
the neighbors.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
absolutely right. I think whatever divisions we have here on earth,
we lose them when we move on.
--Regarding MONEY:
so much was spent out of an imaginary guilt.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many lives this person had touched, past and present, old and
young. They weren't all at the service, but we kept hearing from
them for weeks afterward.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
cooling of the extremities. 'sweet' breath. irregular, shallow
breathing. drifting in and out of reality.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
i felt relief first. Relief for the person, as my belief system
tells me that they are embarking on a new journey.
Sadness next,
for all of us who miss that person.
Acceptance. Love.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she spoke of seeing her late husband, and then, of her late
mother. there was no fear, but a real joy.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don't think I have any unresolved issues. I worked them out
by talking to the people; first, while they were alive, then, if
necessary, after they were dead. I have a silent talk with them on
occasion still, just to let them know how things are going!
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
DoNot Rescuscitate cards. Living wills.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
read 'a year to live', I can't remember the author.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
I released much grief I didn't know I still carried when I wrote
a letter to my dad for a class on family. Powerful, and unexpected.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
My mother seemed to become the child, and I the parent. There wasn't
much space for my grief.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I'm glad for the opportunity. We should think, and talk more about
death. It's something we all have in common.
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See Apr 03 contributions.
See Mar 03 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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