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See Current contributions.
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Sun Sep 7 07:02:40 2008
F57 in Renton, WA =USA=
Name: Elle
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
Web search on the topic "on death and dying."
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Prof/Studies: Retired
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
A Time To Say Good-Bye: Moving Beyond Loss; The Year of Magical
Thinking; On Death and Dying; Being Peace; The Grieving Child, etc.
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Mary McClure Goulding, MSW; Joan Didion; Kubler-Ross, Thich Nhat
Hanh; Helen Fitzgerald, etc.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: accidental overdose of prescription pain medication, etc; Aged: .
--Details:
My daughter had been in progressive pain--both physical and
emotional for
two years and had completed a contentious 18-month
divorce and child
custody battle. She'd revealed a previously
kept secret--of being raped and
sodomized by her husband on
22 Dec 2004--she escaped with their infant
son on the 24th and
eventually made her way across the country on 3 January
2005.
Her husband harassed and threatened her long-distance. He filed
for
divorce on the fourth anniversary of their marriage. He had
the sheriff's
office do health and welfare checks on the child out
of spite--just to let her
know she could never escape his reach.
He stopped providing all financial
support. She was forced to
apply for welfare benefits. Their son was
diagnosed with autism
in 2004. She developed more physical symptoms that
were never
properly diagnosed--her body would swell; she'd rapidly lose and
gain weight; her skin would feel hot to the touch and look reddened;
but trips
to the doctors/ER never resulted in a complete work-up.
She was treated like
a creature with too many complex problems--not
as a whole person. She
also had bipolar affective disorder,
allergic asthma, irritable bowel syndrome,
chronic hemolytic
anemia--related to an inherited condition passed from her
father's
side. She was over-medicated and could barely function, if at all,
when taking the full complement of prescriptions. Her requests
for better
regulation of medications were ignored, despite her
fears about the pain
patch. She was diagnosed with PTSD some
months before she died. It
seemed that once she told us about
the rape it gave her body permission to
accelerate its demise.
If only we had known from the start the depth of her
pain we could
have been of more help. I knew something was wrong--she
was too
fearful of her ex-husband to explain the level of her distress--the
nights without sleep, inability to eat, etc.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of being.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the unfairness of it all. My daughter would never see her son
grow to attend
kindergarten. She would never hear him say,
"I love you, Mommy." So many
things she would never get to see
him do or do with him. He would never know
how much she loved
him and sacrificed for his safety.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that platitudes don't help; waiting for the survivors to ask for
help places too
heavy a burden on them at a time when they mostly
just need someone to do
rather than wait to be asked; that it
doesn't help to hear that the Lord will not
place more on your
shoulders than you can bear; or to hear that we all will
died some
day; that the survivors need to talk about their beloved one(s)--
not have others act as if grief starts then stops at a particular
time--grief has
no shelf life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My daughter was finally free of pain and suffering. Still, if I
had a choice she
would be here today.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Crying in the shower when I was alone and no one could hear me.
Just having
the privacy to grieve with no-holds-barred.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The sense of isolation--no one else knew of my suffering. I had
to be a
source of comfort and stability for my grandson who was
utterly confused
about everything--all the strangers in the house,
the absence of his mother.
He stopped talking on the day she died;
he refused to go near her bedroom;
he refused food.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Encouraging them to talk about their loved ones, or not--whatever
it seems
needed at the time.
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found so many surprises after her death--going through her clothes
and
papers. Some were good surprises, others heartbreaking.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Why I wasn't able to be more of the kind of parent and friend my
daughter
needed. Her emotional problems and sense of isolation
were greater than I'd
fully understood.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I had given into the impulse to give her a hug and kiss
the before (my
hands were full with popcorn and a drink, so I'd
settled for stopping at her
bedroom door and encouraging her to
"take a bath and get some sleep, Mellie.
If you can't sleep,
try to relax."
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I will never get over it, though I have long since come to a state
of acceptance of
what I can't change.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Given the totality of her suffering, I have often wished I could
change the past--
never have given birth at all. There's nothing
worse than watching your child
suffer the pain of the damned
again and again.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
My daughter's suffering didn't start with her husband's horrific
acts. I don't
know that I could ever recall the specific moment
that her future course was
altered. Perhaps it was etched in at
conception, because nothing about her
or how she lived her life
should have resulted in the kind of existence meted
out to her.
She was loving and generous and witty and accepting, but seldom
received the kind of treatment she deserved. Some people just
seem to be
magnets for disaster--my daughter was one of them.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
cease being.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
disbelief despite knowing how her body felt when I touched her
behind. I'd
found her on her knees at the foot of her bed after
having looked throughout
the house for her--finding the bath
she'd drawn the night before with the water
still in the tub,
security latch in place, etc.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
People who think they have the right to make the vulnerable feel
as though they
are both crazy and have no rights to question
their practices.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Nothing.
--Religious Affiliation:
I was raised baptist, but never had a true belief in any kind of
organized
religion.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Bunk!
--Regarding MONEY:
It became just another crass business expenditure.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I didn't have one for my daughter. I couldn't cope with the vision
of being
invaded by strangers with a lot of platitudes and less
than genuine caring.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
For me, I never experienced what I'd felt before--when my first
boyfriend
died when I was 15 or my mother's death when I was 32--I
heard my
mother's voice being called when in public places such
as a mall. I'd see the
physical shape of a guy from the back
and then it was, for a split second, my
first love. But I've
never felt any of this with my daughter's death. No dreams
with
her being alive still in dreams until many months after her death.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I've only experienced one visitation and it only happened once in
the second
week after my mother's death. She came to me when
I was in a resting but not
sleeping state, asking me to pass a
message on to my sister (the one who
discovered her body in bed).
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My mother spoke of having an experience of near-death during a
heart attack,
while en route to the hospital via ambulance.
She mentioned a light and not
being afraid. However, in life,
she was terrified of dying. So, I was comforted
by knowing she
died in her sleep.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I think--no--I know my daughter would want the best for her son and
for
me. She would hold me close, telling me how great a job I've
been doing
taking care of her son. Yet, like me, she would be
heartbroken to see the
signs indicative of his having let go of
the place she held in his heart. I don't
think anyone can help
me with my unresolved issue--the greatest being that
I could not
save her. I will take this failure to my grave.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Even in the dream I had four months after her death, my daughter
and I never
exchanged a word--just glances. It was weird,
because we were always
communicating in life.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I've had several dreams since my daughter died, but she hasn't come
to me as a
manifestation or with a message.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
My daughter didn't want a funeral, so not having a paid obituary
seemed to be
more in line with her wishes though we'd never talked
about that aspect of
death. If no memorial service/funeral is
requested, it should be honored.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I don't want an obituary.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
One of my nieces has become like a daughter to me. I treasure
her
commitment to our friendship and kinship. There's also a
paraeducator in
my grandson's former classroom (when his mother
was alive) who reached
out in friendship and has proven to be
genuinely caring and supportive. No
one else has proven to be
as honest or caring. My husband's family has
never embraced us
and my daughter's death just seemed to underscore their
detachment.
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Distractions
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
Lack of awareness of the true meaning of death when I was a
six-year-old. When myonly daughter died three years ago, it was
having to care for her then-three-year-old son who has autism.
Not having a support system other than my husband, with all my
family and friends living on another coast.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish more people were open to discussing death and dying--instead
of
treating it like the pink elephant in the room. I like
talking about my
daughter, but find I'm the only one who does.
This hurts--it's like being shut
out from what was one of the most
important aspects of my life and still is in
some ways. Her son
is an every day reminder; he's so much like her in
temperament
and intelligence.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I wish I had stumbled upon this sight soon after Mellie's death.
I think it would
have helped me cry.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Who was the person who said what you considered the most
appropriate/comforting thing after your loved one died? What was
said? Did
you later tell this person how their words helped you
through this time?
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Wed Sep 10 14:27:26 2008
F55 in Austin, TX =USA=
Name: Catherine
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: professor
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Ian Stevenson's work on reincarnation, called Old Souls, is one
very useful book. Also Helen Greaves' book called Testimony of
Light. There are many others.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Sister, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cardiac aneurism; Aged: 66.
--Details:
My sister died instantly and totally unexpectedly while talking on
the phone
to our other sister about afterlife matters. Linda had
felt an urge to call her
that morning, and I had earlier felt
an urge to send her some books on the
afterlife that she was
talking about when she died. Over the next four years, I
became
primary caretaker of our mother (in her 90s) in my dead sister's
place. Over those years, Mother would dream of Sylvia and tell me
things that
Sylvia had said in her dreams. Many of these dreams
contained messages. My
mother died on the fourth anniversary of
my sister's death after I had asked
my dead sister to please come
and get Mother, whose life at age 95 was
pretty miserable. I am
still astonished.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
a terrifying, shocking loss from which we learn a tremendous amount
about
ourselves and the possible meaning of it all.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was stunned by the finality, the silence, the absolute absence.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the silence.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that people who don't believe in the soul or spirit, or in continued
existence,
need to stop being condescending, nasty, and rude to
those of us who know
better.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that death of much loved people opens doors of perception that are
astounding if you choose to look through them.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
reading works by psychics and Hospice workers.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never seeing the person again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Don't try to pretend it isn't going to happen. Just let the person
talk about it,
or whatever else he or she wants to.
--[My Sister's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am really confident that their souls are still very much alive,
aware, and not so
far away. Listen, observe, attend--you will
hear from them.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
some of the people left behind who ought to be nice to one another
turn
mean--ugly things come out you didn't know were there.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I don't know what this is about. I never felt like laughing.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
connect more intimately with the person, not let chances to be
present and
authentic pass us by
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
play some kind of helpful role in the person's life
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
you look back and you see that the person who was going to die
seemed in
some odd way to be retreating from life.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the material stuff the person left behind.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear some kinds of music, or when a visual memory occurs.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I think we ARE still together, only it's sad sometimes because they
will never
be exactly the same again. In a fun but different
reallity, we'd be all together
again talking about this last
lifetime we all shared.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that we spend so much time wasting time that we wish we had back
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Turn off my consciousness.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
don't know how I'm going to ever get past this pain.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Necessary but totally insensitive and useless emotionally.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
For another death of another person (not my sister) hospice was
wonderful.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing. I don't belong to one.
--Religious Affiliation:
past--Roman Catholic.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
completely accurate.
--Regarding MONEY:
greedy, heartless people showed themselves for what they are.
It's important
to take care of your financial business so that
when you die, it's not up to
other people to fight over it.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it's just something to get through.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How the death reveals the higer self of the dead person as truly
existing.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Well, some deaths are unexpected and unpredictable, but when they're
not,
there are signs that it's coming. People from Hospice and the
medical
community can help you learn what they are in many cases,
but not always.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It has no clear-cut "stages" and there is no "closure." There is
just the getting used to a new reality.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Yes, my sister came to take our mother to the other side, and she
came on
the fourth anniversary of her own death just to tell me
that she's truly there
and was helping me with Mother all along,
which I knew, but sometimes
didn't believe.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
One of my friends says she "died" in a car wreck, and that she went
to some
blissful realm of blue light. I believe her, but I don't
know how to assess it.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I've gone to a couple of good psychics. But I don't really need
them. All I have
to do is commune with the dead myself, and then
wait to see how they'll
answer me. Of course, I mean the dead
people I know. I can't talk to them all.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
If I could talk again with my sister, I would tell her how important
she was in
who I am and who I became, and how much she prepared
me to take care of
other people (she was an R.N.) I would tell
my mother how glad I was that she
could spend her last four years
near me, in my care, and what a good parent
she was. I would tell
her to be nicer to herself--she did a good job. I hope
they'd
both just say, "thanks." I know they loved me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Yes. Definitely. My sister left me "pennies from heaven." She put
words in our
mother's mouth that would never have been something
Mom would have
said. My sister visits my own dreams frequently. And
she came to collect our
mother when her life was too awful to
continue.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I tried very hard to spare my mother (died at 95) any unpleasant
medical
experiences that were not going to help her. I, personally,
do not want to be
kept alive at all costs for no good reason. If
all quality of my life is gone and
unrecoverable, I'm out of here.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I hope I don't die of a painful, disfiguring disease. I hope I'll
be about 80 -85
and just sit down and stop breathing one day.
I am afraid of HOW to die, but
not of death itself.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
It would have all the facts about my career, but mostly, I would
hope to be
remembered as a person who was kind, who always lived
up to her
responsibilites, who loved and cared for animals,
and who made some
peoples' lives better.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Just talk to the dead, and listen/attend. They can and do get
through. Burn
candles and pray for them, even if the "prayer"
is just a nice remark sent to
them with intent to help.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I will always talk to the dead (you know, silently, in my thoughts).
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes. I am certain my sister "sent" me one person who helped me take
care of
our mother.
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
They are not really gone. They can get through to us in various ways.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Upbringing
The overall Euro-American idea that the dead are "gone," either
obliterated or in some realm we have no access to at all.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Oh--a great question. People are so insensitive. When you need
comfort, you
don't need to be told that you will "get over it"
pretty soon, or that you'll find
(ICK!) "closure." Comforters,
if they haven't gone through it, should just be
present and maybe
listen, not dispense pseudo-wisdom.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I think it's great. Lots of people could benefit from knowing what
others have
gone through and focused on. I've done a huge amount
of reading on this
topic, so I had an advantage of familiarity
with the issues. But most people
don't read much and they feel
really alone in grief.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Unavoidably, there is always some little bit of guilt over something
not said or
not done. Maybe a question about lingering guilt
would be good. For
example: "Do you feel sad or guilty over
something you said or failed to say
to the person who died,
or something you did or didn''t do? How can you
cope with and
resolve these feelings?"
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See Aug 08 contributions.
See Jul 08 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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