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See Current contributions.
See Oct 05 contributions.
See Sep 05 contributions.
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Tue Nov 29 21:41:49 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Firefox's Google interface
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Sogyal Rinpoche, I think
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Nephew, 2 Weeks ago.
Cause of Death: side-effects of chemotherapy and abdominal cancer; Aged: 22.
--Details:
He is survived by a younger brother, 20, and his parents, as
well as his grandmother, many aunts, uncles, cousins, and close
friends. Although cancer reaved his body it could not crush his
spirit. He never complained, and I only found out after his death
that he had unshakable religious faith that he never talked about. He
was always looking at the funny and silly side of everyday life, very
easygoing, and always thinking about others. I will love him forever.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of our biological existence. We have no control over when it
happens, except that some people actually take their own lives --
something the vast majority have an aversion to doing -- and death
often comes suddenly and unexpectedly. No one has ever been able to
give proof that everyone can agree on that our consciousness does,
or does not, survive our biological death, and people hold many
different views on whether this is so, and if so, what kind of
existence may come after biological death for the consciousness of
the deceased.
In more personal terms, Death is separation from
our loved ones. My own personal belief is that the moment of death is
highly charged, and that the predominant mental states of life tend
to predominate after death as well -- but that bot h life and death
are temporary, like identity, memory, and all other experiences.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt very sad, not so much for the person who died -- although I
found it hard to believe I was permanently separated from that person
at first -- as for the people close to them, who suffered so much
at their passing. I remember who the first person was now. It was
Michael R., who lived across the street from us and was so sweet
and kind to children. His dog Toby, a beagle-golden Lab cross
as far as I could tell, was my best friend, and I would sit for
hours on the Reavley's porch talking to Toby, who was a splendid
listener. Although I was very young, I seem to remember that Michael
had a mild mental disability and he definitely had hypothyroidism. I
believe it was this condition that eventually caused weight-related
problems that were the cause of a fatal stroke when he was only
about 28 or so. I think I was about 8. I remember that his sister,
who was a really sweet girl, cried and cried all night long and that
I could hear her across the street but felt I shouldn't intrude
on her grief. From an older perspective, I wish I had -- maybe we
could have lightened each other's grief a bit and not felt so alone.
--That first time, how it happened was
There were several deaths that occurred when I was a child. I'll
pick one.
I grew up in Hamilton, Ontario, but we used to go down
to Baldwinsville, in upstate New York near Syracuse, to visit my
father's Uncle Bob and Aunt Bonnie on their Pagoda Hill farm, which
has been in the family for generations. Although I was too young to
know my Uncle Bob well, I have several fond memories associated with
visits to their home. (Their neighbours across the road grew corn,
but they themselves did no farming and kept no animals other than
several cats, one of whom was old, declawed and ruled the roost - he
could box so well that the other cats, who had claws, were afraid of
him!) We visited there a few times, where I played an old foot-pedal
pump organ with drawbars that they kept in their milk-house away
from the main house. I have fond memories of running through the
tall cornfields, and remember that my Uncle Bob had a dry sense of
humour and was fond of children. Anyway, one day we got word -- I
think it was by mail -- that my Uncle Bob had died of emphysema. I
think that was the first time I realized there was something called
Death that could separate us from the ones we loved.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
it seems that these deaths have each revealed our relationships and
what they were made of. I've seen fellow grievers both come together
in, and be separated by, their grief. It all seems to depend on
how safe they feel in sharing their deep feelings with each other.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
that Death is very much part of Life. A lot of people are shocked
by Death, as if being immortal were an established fact of life
and death a complete surprise. We also need to understand that,
although heart-rending, the death of the young is not apart from
the natural order and is certainly not new. We need to understand
that everyone's life has meaning, regardless of its length, and
that there is a chain that people's lives are a part of, and while
people die, this chain of love does not.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how the priest at my mother's funeral talked about her love for
her children, and how her love opened up the door to Heaven for all
of us. It makes me cry when I think about it even though this was
9 years ago and I feel so grateful to him for understanding that
so well about my mother, who was a mass of contradictions in many
ways but who left us this legacy of love.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
spiritual exercises of well-wishing and exchanging my happiness
for that of others, which I learned from reading the Dalai Lama,
from talks with a brother who studied the Dharma, from reading
Sogyal Rinpoche and others, and from the Lojong Mind Training.
These exercises consist of:
-
metta, which is a loving-kindness meditation in which you start with
yourself and wish yourself happiness and freedom from suffering; then
move on and quickly offer the same wishes or blessings to people you
love or are fond of one by one, then people you feel neutral toward,
and finally to people you feel antipathy toward; then imagine these
kind thoughts and good wishes spreading outward and encompassing all
beings; and finally, to dedicate the merit from this meditation to
all beings.
- tonglen, which is an exercise of exchanging one's own
happiness for the suffering of others in which we imagine breathing
in suffering and pain of others as a black smoke into the heart
of our selfish craving, then breathing out the clear light of our
happiness and peace and sending that out to all beings. We can also
do this with a particular person, and with any good or bad feeling
-- we breathe in and absorb the bad and send out, or give away,
the good. - and when bad things happen, we can see that we are
taking on this particular suffering on behalf of all beings who
suffer in this particular way, and that we are helping to alleviate
this particular type of suffering for all beings.
- the third is an
exercise described the Dalai Lama in which we ourselves remain calm
and reasonable; then visualize another version of ourselves in front
of us and to our right, a selfish, egotistical version who would do
anything and sacrifice anyone to gratify himself; then visualize
a group of people in front of us to our left, people not related
to us, who are experiencing all different kinds of suffering. It
might be someone battling cancer or experiencing grief, or it might
be an old woman having trouble carrying home a load of groceries,
or a woman in Africa having to walk for miles to get water for the
day for her family (this is a daily reality in a number of regions
in Africa). Then, as we continue to contemplate the scenes at
right and left, we think to ourselves about the man on the right,
"He has the right to hope for, and achieve, happiness, and be
free from suffering," and similarly, about the people on the left,
"They also have the right to hope for, and achieve, happiness and
be free from suffering." Then we think about how a person will work
long hours at a job in order to earn a good living, or how someone
will care for a relative who is ill because he is in better shape
to make sacrifices than the ill relative. And in similar manner in
contemplating the person on the right and the people on the left,
we see that because of the greater number of people on the left,
it makes sense for us to defer our needs and we find ourselves
gravitating toward the needs of the greater number on the left.
The secret to all these exercises is to practice them repeatedly,
regardless of how one may feel about the practice at any given
moment. In tonglen especially, if it's working, we breathe that
out to others; if it isn't working, we breathe that in.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
- seeing how badly it hurt his parents and the rest of my wife's
family, and feeling like there was very little I could do to ease
their pain.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
To listen to them with a whole heart and 100% attention. Especially
to remember kindness, and let them direct you in how you can best
help them - most of the time they know.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my nephew died less than 24 hours after my father.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
completely refused to believe what I had just read for the first
30 seconds.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
In the years after he died, I read a 100-page genealogy of the
family he had done back in 1931-33. In many ways I felt I came to
know him better after he had died than I did while he was alive.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
The fear that as his brother's descendant, I would disappoint him.
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Mon Nov 28 22:22:36 2005
F19 in richfield, mn =united states=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo.com-search:death and dying self help
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 2.5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: pancreatic cancer; Aged: 44.
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--Death Is:
an end to life on earth but the beginning to life elsewhere; I
believe it is Heaven, some poeple dont. Death is sad, mysterious,
and inevitable.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
cried and i didnt understand
--That first time, how it happened was
how it happened was it was my grandfather who died. I really didnt
understand death but I understood what it meant to cry and when I
saw my dad crying I knew something was wrong and sad.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing my mom's heath decline right infront of me and the pain i felt
--What I think my (united states) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that it is not funny. there is not humor in death. there is humor
in remembering a deceased person and all of the times shared.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it changed me as a person
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my boyfriend, friends, family, and therapy
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
getting back to normal; going on with life without that person
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it helped, it relaxed me but i felt bad for laughing
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with my mom and with katie. maybe cut back from
working too much and being involved in too many activities
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be my mothers daughter and have a friend like katie
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
people gave me hugs. i always started to cry but it felt so good
to have someone hold me as i cried
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the money they sent in cards; i have no idea what we did with it i
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i hear a certain song or two
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i know that i would not be living at home and may have chosen a
different school. i also might be in rehab for drugs. either way
if my mom never died i dont think that i would have ever met my
good friend katie, who passed away
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that everyone else has a mom and i dont
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
scream and hid and lay in bed all day curled up
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
dislike, resentment, disappointment
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
forced gathering, optional
--Religious Affiliation:
lutheran
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
strong
--Regarding MONEY:
my mom's health and comfort was the main priority. money was never
a barrier because if we didnt have it wed get it in some way. we
just wanted my mom to be pain free, happy and comfortable
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
that i still found time to smile through the tears
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
feeling numb...my body was moving and i still to this day dont
remember how
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
the fact that she couldnt talk anymore and walk anymore (do the
regualr things that she always did)
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
denial and guilt didnt come until later
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I believe that my mom left me while we were on good terms. a few
months before we were not on good terms and i totally regret those
few months. i wish that i wasnt to stubborn and stupid. when she
was diagnosed with cancer it all seemed to disappear (our fued)
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
i would love for my mom to say that she loved me and that she is
always with me. that shell come and visit everynight and that im
speacial and that she enjoyed every second we spent together. i want
a big hug.
i believe this will help me in dealing with my feeling
now because i know what i need to hear and what i want to hear.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my mom came to me i n a dream. she was in the hospital and i was
visiting her. she died and then suddenly had no legs. next thing i
know she is sitting next to me even though she is laying in the bed
infront of me. she just kept saying, "everythings gonna be ok. im
fine. dont worry about me."
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
i am so scared of dying; i dont want to die. i dont want my family
and friends to go through the pain i have already experienced. i
never thought that i would be experiencing all of this death,
i thought for surely that i would die young
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
it would sya my name, dates and surviving family members and who
proceeded me in death. then i would just want one to expand on my
personality and my generosity and just that i was a fun person to
be around. that i could always make someone smile
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
new traditions- going out to eat with my sister, aunt, and my moms
best friend for lunch for her birthday. taking shots of Jagermeister
at family gatherings. listening to music that remind me of my mom
and music that she liked
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
i always end up meeting someone who knew my friend Katie and i always
am so attatched and connected to them. i have beconme really good
friends with my moms best friend
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Crying and Crying
another death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish that my friends were more understanding during the time after
i lost my mom. there were there for me but they didnt understand
that i was moody and depressed and that i didnt want to go out some
nights and that i didnt want to talk about it some days. that some
days were worse then others
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
some of the questions were hard to understand but overall it was
excellent. the questions asked were questions that i have never
thought of before
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Sat Nov 26 20:02:59 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 12 Days ago.
Cause of Death: copd; Aged: 71.
--Details:
brother killed by hit*run 26 years ago
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Avoiding Everything
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Sat Nov 26 05:02:42 2005
F32 in Murcia, Murcia =Spain=
Name: Elena
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
used "stumble.upon"
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Prof/Studies: Teacher
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 15 Days ago.
Cause of Death: suicide; Aged: 26.
--Details:
He lived alone, but used to go back to my mother's at the
weekend. That weenkend he didn't pop in. My mother had always feared
that my brother could do such a thing so spent a desperate Monday
afternoon looking for him. She found him in his flat.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the disappearance of somebody, his ceasing to be alive, like any
being in this world. However, when you know that somebody, it hurts
you, because loving feelings are involved.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
don't exactly remember how I felt
--That first time, how it happened was
My father. I didn't have a real relationship with him and I hadn't
seen him long before he died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the thought of my mother finding his dead body
Missing him deeply
Needing love and support from others, even if it hurted.
--What I think my (Spain) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That they should question a bit more their idea of an afterlife. I
can't understand how they know it for sure and don't even allow
themselves to doubt a bit.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I realised that both of us, my brother and I, had people who
loved us very very much.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Being written by friends
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Having to leave my mother alone
feeling that pain in the stomach
that accompanied a sudden realisation of his death. It happened
all the time when I was on my own.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Hugging
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I still haven't founf that I've learned anything from it. Maybe
the realisation of how important giving love to others is.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
Not to know why he didn't ask for help. I was the ONLY person he
would call in that situation. And he didn't cry for help.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I didn't feel that urge at all
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Force him to go to a psychologist.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with people and share my feelings.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I hugged my mother for the first time
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the trigger that made him do it. I don't care. I don't think there's
a trigger, but that wanting to commit suicide is a very long process.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
just when it happens. Maybe everything's too recent.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I can't think of that. It's impossible.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
... that he didn't allow other people to love him, unless me and
my mother.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
relax. Don't feel so tired and nervous
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
tought that I would miss him so much that it would be unbearable.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
I haven't asked for help yet. But I will do, next week, probably.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing but a fake
--Religious Affiliation:
christened in Catholicism, but in a completely atheist environment
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I haven't thought of it. Maybe I see it as a link with Nature,
at a very essential level.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the coldness
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
to get used to not "reading" him in his emails. To realize I can't
talk to him.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I just would like to hear him laugh out loud. I would feel completely
different. It wouldn't hurt so much, but maybe it wouldn't have
happened in that case.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I just have had the wish that it happened.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I haven't had that experience. Everything flowed calmly and lovingly.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It's not so important for me now.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I can't do such a thing.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I can spend the whole morning with my students as if nothing had
happened. And I feel good.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
just consolidation of friendship
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Dissociation
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I think I need to see my phychologist and my psychiartist (I'm sure
I need medication) and I want my best friend to be near me
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I don't think so. As I said, everything too "fresh" in the mind
and I'm constantly re-thinking
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Wed Nov 23 10:51:32 2005
F18 in tampa, florida =united states of america=
Name: tina
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: student
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Uncle, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: heart attacks/ strokes; Aged: 50.
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--Death Is:
the death of a body and the renewal of a soul.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
became very sheltered and antisocial for three years. I would have
panic attacks when people spoke to me.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
not being able to believe in my core religious values
anymore.(blaming the higher power for not answering prayers)
--What I think my (united states of america) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that people should be given flowers when they are alive to enjoy
them, not after they are dead.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
a ne appreciation for the loved ones that I still had with me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
music
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not being able to talk to that person.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to listen, no matter what you say to a person who is in mourning,
it will not make the pain any easier.
--[My Uncle's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
found a new inspiration to cherish those I love while they are here.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
family members turned against eachother instead of supporting
eachother.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it is better to remember the good times than to dwell on the fact
that the person is gone.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
hug him one more time.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
move on to be a better person in the end.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my parents cried in front of me.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the ceremony itself.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
i walk in to the house and expect that person to be there waiting
for me.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
i would still have my uncle and would be able to spend time with him,
doing things that he loved.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
nothing in life is fair or predictable.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go back in time and die with him.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
disbelief
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust. they treated him like an animal because he didnt have
money.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they were completely useless. they did not ever consider his needs
as an individual and instead just fit him into their schedule.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing really. I am religous but do not attend a church regularly.
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right. there is no way that this all ends in a slow ride in
a hearse.
--Regarding MONEY:
we had none.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the fact that so many people who never cared to call or include
him in life now felt the need to be sad to fit in with others
around them.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
feeling him around me every now and then.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
when the body starts to bloat before death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
being alone helped alot.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he saw his mother.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
yes, my friend was pronounced dead from a car accident for an hour
and then was able to move. but the entire time he could hear and
see, his body just wasnt responding.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
he knows how much i loved him.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
that they were ok now.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my uncle came back and showed me all the good things that have and
could happen and assured me that he was ok now.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
donate everything so no one has to fight over it.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
when it is my time , i will go. i will have no funeral or grave.
i dont want anyone to feel a responsibility to grieve over me on
holidays each year.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
a woman who was always true to herself.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i sang to him.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i still say prayers for him
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
none to speak of.
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
i sang at funerals .
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Thu Nov 17 14:10:41 2005
F18 in California =United States=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Prof/Studies: English Literature
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Uhh...yeah The Bible
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 8 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: in his 60's.
--Details:
He was a very religious and wise man, and the founder of his own
church(well i'd have to say the founder of one of God's churches.) He
was very much respected and famous to many cities around ours. He
was always just so perfect and he had a killer sence of humor.
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--Death Is:
Death is just when our body wilt away and our heart stops beating,
but our soul goes on to live either in eternal heaven or hell
(depending on how we spent our life.)
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
The first time i experienced someone's death I felt just complete
in a way seeing our purpose in life...to live for God on earth and
then through death to see him in person and live with him forever
on. Death was definitly something to look forward to and it for me
was a very positive experience.
--That first time, how it happened was
My grangfather died of cancer.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
What i remember most vividly are my relatives crying with all
their might after my Granfather (who was a great loss surely,)
but we were all to see each other again in heaven and this (death)
is what's supposed to happen. I felt a little like the adults around
me were a little immature and i remember wanting to tell them that
this is what's supposed to happen and that Granpa is happier now.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I think it would be better for us all if we understood life after
death and if we knew where we are going.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My granfather left earth in utter peace and the impression of his
death on my life has lasted with me till this day it was strangely
a positive experience. I think if it was a tragic death or if he was
sinful and going to hell it would be completely different and i would
probably fear death since most of what i believe i've established
during his time on earth(i grew up with my grandparents.) He lived
to his fullest he became and done anything he was ever possibly
capable of when he went he was ready and i defined death for myself
as a homecoming for the soul.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Understanding that it was part of life adn that life didn't end
there.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
I perceive my first experience with death to have been somewhat
healthy but for the record i would like to say that that is not
all i think of death. When the soul is 'saved' and going to spend
eternity in heaven then it's a 'homecoming' but i often imagine
a soul especialy of an unsaved loved one and that moment of 'the
imaginable letting go' is more tragic than any funeral i have ever
been too yet. So my first death and funeral was a good experience
but not in all cases do i think of death as an easy letting go.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
It's important for a dying person to be at peace with God.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
what i had learned is one thing and that is to not miss the
aportunity to talk to your grandparents for as long as they are
still alive. They are full of so much wisdom and amazing history
that you won't learn anywhere else.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I never really had any questions about that.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Don't recall laughing.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
Each year on the day of the death my family gathers to reminisce
and we all get teary eyed.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
the thing is i had developed all my beliefs while he was still
here i had built a strong foundation but some time after he had
gone i had stoped buiding really i just kept what i believed and
i neither added to nor subtracted from that. i think if he would
have been here i would have deffinitly grown more and would have
built something on that foundation.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I was oh so surprised at the split moment but my grandfather has
been dying for a long time with cancer so it wasn't the most shoking
news. i don't remember my exact emotions but i did suddenly regret
not spending more time with him felt very guilty for any wronging
him and prepared for the spaces he ones filled to be awfully empty
and strange.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
My grangfather chose not to be treated.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Death meant going home.
--Regarding MONEY:
there was no money issue. we did not only have the funeral but also
gift expences and our traditional feast for nearly a thousand people
all in teh memory of a great man.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
Everyone loved and respected my granfather i was proud of my him
for having so many admirers but never accepting any praise while
he was still alive.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
i was young some of my relatives told me that his spirit hovered
over his body and flew over us as we migrated towards the graveyard
and just as we lowered her into the ground he finally went up to
God. i didn't know to believe that but i did imagine it.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
i don't recal any but my mother to this day often dreams of the
father. as far as i know it is not a negative thing.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i just think( or rather know) that he didn't "die" he just went
to heaven and we're only departed for a short time and we will see
each other and be with each other forever more.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
i always imagine him in heaven with God having a great time and
sometimes looking down on me, and sometimes i even talk to him when
things get so hard i ask him to ask God to help me since they're
so close probably even standing next to each other listening to me
as i pray.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I didn't need to "deal with it" death is a natural thing and i
never had a problem with it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
My other family members were hysterical and my being so calm made
me veiw myself as a little strange.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
IT definitly helped to dig up some emotions and thought i haven't
had in a long time. it was a good thing it allowed me to kinda take
yet another good look around my own life and consider my own death
and reminded me to continue to acomplish the most i can so i won't
have too many regrets.
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Thu Nov 17 12:34:21 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Teacher ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
--That first time, how it happened was
My grangfather died of cancer.
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How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Other:
I didn't need to "deal with it" death is a natural thing and i
never had a problem with it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
My other family members were hysterical and my being so calm made
me veiw myself as a little strange.
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Wed Nov 9 08:39:25 2005
F Guest in Phoenix, AZ =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Searching the list of dying traits
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Prof/Studies: Home Health Care
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
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How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
I do home health care now
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
Could I have prevented it ?
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Mon Nov 7 16:47:03 2005
F41 in British Columbia =Nisga'a nation - canada=
Name: Francine Gurney
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
I am doing research on grief and loss
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Prof/Studies: Community Wellness Counsellor
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More personal info:
Losing my dad is honestly one of the most difficult things i have
had to deal with. I really though i wanted to die too as the pain
was and still becomes unbearable at times. there are times when
i still can't believe he is gone,,,feels like an awful dream, it
feels as though i am in a cloud and can't get out of it. it hurts
so much that sometimes i don't know what to do with myself and no
words or hugs can make me feel better, i just want to run and keep
running till i have no more energy as the pain is too much.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
The grief recovery handbook
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
John W James and Russell Friedman
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, June 10, 2005 Months ago.
Cause of Death: long term illness.; Aged: 67.
--Details:
My dad was always a hard working man, then suddenly became ill with
a disease. This disease took over his life, and he became too sick
to do the things he loved most. He was an outdoors kind of person
and when he got sick, he was frustrated at not being able to do the
things he loved to do, but he tried to remain positive.
I was very
angry when he died becuase i would have liked to be at his bedside as
he was going, but noone called until after he died in the hospital.
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--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was too young to understand what was going on, and noone was there
to help me understand it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Death and dying is scarey
--What I think my (Nisga'a nation - canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
The way to talk to people who are grieving and not to ignore them,
and to really listen when they ask "how are you doing"
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
The support of my mom, and being allowed to cry and talk about my
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I was so afraid of my own death and mostly leaving my children
and grandchild behind is what bothers me the most. I would hate
to leave them. As far as death itself, i believe that everyone
has a time to leave regardless of what or how we try to avoid it.
I would like to leave knowing i made a difference in peoples lives,
which is why i choose to do what makes me happy and not what
others think i should be doing. I live my own life and make my
own choices and not rely on others. I choose to be happy and now
dwell on challenges rather learn from them and move on. I always
seem to think about my last few hours and think,,,i'd rather die
happy than live miserably and die miserable.
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Talking to People
learning about death and the process of healing.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
How people react to me and being left with feeling i had to hide my
true feelings after they ask how i am doing. I always feel i have
to give them the standard answer of ",'m ok" which always leaves
me feeling alienated.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
if i couldn't talk with my friends, i would send them emails and
they would get back to me. I would talk to my mom and was sure i
could be honest with her and not hide my true feelings.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This questionnaire has been helpful and has been able to get me to
think about my own death and how i feel about it, then realizing
how important my children are to me and not to take them for granted.
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Mon Nov 7 14:52:26 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandFather, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: skin sickness; Aged: 72.
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--Death Is:
a stop of the buddy to react for the enviroment, when the heart
beat stop the oxegen stops coming to the brain and the buddy stops
"working"
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was outraged, but after a period of time i just admeted the truth
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
me father, i was crying all day, it was hard to see him
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
not shaving,sitting with all the family, praying
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
with out death pepole can suffer all there life from aching,
the
world will explode from the number of pepole
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
family
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not to see him any more
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
stay with him as much as you could, dont seperate in a middle of
a argument
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
felt, don't think about it, let the time pass ,he will do the rest
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How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Talking to People
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Wed Nov 2 14:00:37 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Trying to find some information on death to help with healing process
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 4 Days ago.
Cause of Death: aids; Aged: 44.
--Details:
My cousin was diagnosed with hiv over 20 years ago..he lived a
long time. Four days ago he died and as I write he has not been
burried yet. I go to Fla. Fri. Nov. 4, 2005. His furneral is Sat.
It hurts, I love him so much.
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--Death Is:
A very sad thing because it means "NO MORE"...he or she is gone
forever.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was 6 years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
I learned about Jesus
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Reading about it. Learning how a person dies to help me understand
what my cousin was going through when he was dying
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
having to except the fact that I will never see my cousin on this
earth again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Just be there..tell them they are loved and will be missed. Even if
the person appears to not know what is going on I believe they can
still hear and understand.
--[My Cousin's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Loved him so much and was able to let him go.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
He seemed to be getting well only to die a week or so later.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Will never see him again.
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
Understanding that death is a part of life.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Fri Oct 21 23:12:14 2005
F54 in santa fe, new mexico =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: author
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More personal info:
okay to post
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Acquaintance, 47 Years ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: 21.
--Details:
this was my caretakes as a child, the person whom i loved like
a mother
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--Death Is:
the great unknown, the greatest mystery of all.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
I felt tremendous loss
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
deep sorrow
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
not to fear it
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
nature
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
its finality
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to have an open and compassionate heaet. listen, don't talk.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i wasn't taken to the funeral of my caretaker, there as no closure
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
tell her how much I loved her
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have her in my life; she was my saviour
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
devastated
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
regarding my mother's dying: hospice treated nme VERY badly. I am
still shocked at how I was treated!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing at all. false comfort??
--Religious Affiliation:
I am investigating buddhism
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I have had the awareness of my own mortality as long as I can
remember; since age 3 at least. Death is always nearby, no matter
what I do. Its presence reminds me that each moment of life is
a treasur. death however, leaves me deeply depressed and with a
feeling of total isolation.
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How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Fear of Death
i haven't discoverd this yet
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
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Wed Oct 19 14:17:07 2005
F43 in Dallas, TX =USA=
Name: Sharon
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: self-employed
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 4 Years ago.
Cause of Death: illness; Aged: 81.
--Details:
My mother was diabetic and she had the flu and began to feel a
lot worse so she went to the hospital. WHile in hopital she had a
mild heart attack. They thought she was all right and she as going
to be released on Dec. 23rd, but on Dec. 22nd her kidneys started
to shut down. That night she went into cardiac arrest and died on
Dec. 23rd. I did not get to visit her during her stay in the hospital
because I also had the flu and it was thought best that I didn't go.
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--Death Is:
When the body shuts down and doesn't move anymore. The heart
doesn't beat the brain doesn't think and there is nothing left of
the person. Death is something we fear out whole lives and there
is always an awareness in the back of our mind of it. We are
so afraid of it that we must believe in something so that we can
function better.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was nine years old and my grandfather died. I went to the funeral
and I remember being horriefied at how he looked. He did not look
like my grandfather anymore. I was taken out of the church by my
brother in law because I was so distraught.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
My father shaking his head when he returned home from the hospital,
and the look on his face...my sister crying in the bathroom in the
middle of the night...watching my father jerking and twitching in
his sleep on Christmas morning...walking out to the car on the day
of the funeral with my dress shoes in hand and fuzzy slippers still
on my feet. So it's the fragmentaion and everyone just wandering
around trying to get through that I remember most.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
How to deal with people who have just suffered a loss. Nobody knows
how to do it. We aren't taught how to just be with people who are
grieving. It's almost like we are afraid it's catching or something
and then when death comes into our own life, when that reality is
there, then we know how to deal with others who have lost loved
ones. But sometimes the knowledge comes too late to be of help
to others.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That my whole family stood around my mother's death bed and sang
Christmas Carols to her and told her what a good person she was
and what a good job she had done with her life.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
I had no support. I didn't want support and I still don't so there
was no solace in family, friends or coworkers. There was a movie
called 'Moonlight Mile' which I felt portrayed some aspects of
death in a realistic way and there was comfort in watching it. At
the very first, after she died, I just blocked it out and did a
lot of activity, and I believe for me, that was how it had to be.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
The things I hadn't done that would have been so simple to do to
make her happy. Not being able to talk to her or be with her while
she was still conscious was right up there though. Also the fact
that the doctor couldn't tell us exactly what happened or why she
died still haunts me to this day.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Try not to deny what's going on because it seems like it would be
very lonely to know you are dying and have no one acknowledge the
fact. Even though it's excrusiating to hear, listen to what they
need to say about their death and about how they feel about dying.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
was stronger than I ever thought I could be and that I survived
the loss. I learned that every minute is precious and even though
sometimes I forget that, it always comes back to me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I was able to laugh at a joke, or how I was able to forget about it
for a little while. On tv or movies people cry all the time after
someone dies and there is no break from it. But for me, the pain of
loss, came in waves and still does. I felt
extremely confused by my
ability to laugh and to function at all, and I am ashamed of it too.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I was doing the best I could in an unbearable situation and that
whatever emotions or feelings I expressed were just me trying to
survive. Even in the worst of times we want to break free and to
live and laugh. We want to find a glimmer of hope and happiness in
the ruins. I think also that laughing is a stron reaction just like
crying is.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Say goodbye.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
I don't know. I don't think I'm at the thankful point yet.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see someone with their mother, or people talk about their mother's,
then it's very hard.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
That question is too difficult to answer right now.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone can spend a lifetime working and caring about things
and people and then just not to be anymore.... It still doesn't
seem fair, even now.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
die too.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was numb. I don't remember anything except that I just said "oh." I
don't think it really registered at first because I didn't understand
that it was permenent.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Ineptness. I tell people sometimes, that you cannot count on
the medical profession to know everything. You must look out for
yourself and your loved ones. Don't leave it to them because they
make huge mistakes, sometimes.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
It meant nothing. There was no solace in organized religion for
me. In fact I wondered why there was nothing that I could use to
get me through from my past faith.
--Religious Affiliation:
My past religous fauth was protestant christianity, it's now
agnosticism.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like a bond we all share throughout suffering and the realization
that we all must die someday. Sometimes I think about my mother and
think she literally lives within me. I have her DNA and I have her
memory, and in a way that is kind osf a spiritual link.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I don't know how anyone else felt, but for me, it was just a blur. I
remember one thing very clearly baout the funeral though. We were
all sitting on the same row but none of us had our arms around each
other. I guess things went smoothly, there were no problems with
the service that I can remember.
The professionals were just
that. Very professional and did their jobs fine.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I lived with my mother and so did my sister, and father, and I
remember how dark the house seemed and how quite we all were after
her death.
I also remember that for months, every morning there
would be a creak and a banging in the walls and thinking that even
the house knew she was gone, and was protesting.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
My mother died suddenly, so I don't know a hwole lot about it. I
do know from my grandmother's death that losing interest in food
and sleeping most of the time and losing interest in the people
around them is a sign that they're letting go of this life.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
there is no time limit or milepost or anything like that. One day
I might be OK, the next I'm not. For me it comes in huge waves,
and recedes for a little while.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't have any, she was comatose when I arrived at her bedside.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
She died suddenly and she died without us being able to tal to her,
so there are so many unresolved issues. One of the issues which
will never be resolved was why did she die all of the sudden? What
happened? That's something i will have to live with never knowing
and I suppose at some point I will come to terms with it.
There
are so many issues between a mother and child. So many
Things that
I wish had been different. All I can do is remember what kind of
person she was and that she wouldn't want me to be unhappy all the
time, and that I must come to terms with things. I don't know....
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would want to tell her that I loved her and that she made such a
differnce in my life. I'd want to thank her for everything she did
to help me become the person I am.
I would want her to offer me
forgiveness, and to hear her voice telling me that she loved me,
and that my presence in her life had made a difference too.
If I
could do that, it would change my whole life and I might feel that
life meant something after all.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I think about death constantly. I believe that we are all struggling
against the realization of our own deaths and the absolute unfairness
of non-being. The one thing I don't want when I die is for people
to be filled with regret or to forget all my flaws. I don't want
anyone to remember just the good parts of me, because they wouldn't
really be remembering me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I'm still planning something to commemorate my mother's life,
and when I'm ready I will decide what it will be. Right now, I
think it may have to do with planting massive amounts of blooming
flowers in the garden or or maybe a plaque or statue. I want it to
be something huge, something meaningful and real, so it will take
a while to decide.
One thing I did already was to have a tree
planted by her gravesite and i also put up some windchimes.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Fear of Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Of course i wish someone had reached out to me but then at the
time I don't really think I wanted anyone to. I made sure to shut
myself away from people.
Unfortunately, I didn't reach out to
anyone either.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It was extremely difficult and yet clarifying process for me. I
began to feel exhausted part of the way through and some of the
questions were difficult and some made me angry because they were
about gratefulness and I don't feel very grateful at present.
I needed to express a few things and the questionaire was helpful
in that regard. I think all in all it's a very useful questionaire
and i'm glad that the questions were posed.
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Wed Oct 12 07:44:43 2005
F45 in Cambridge, Ohio =USA=
Name: Rebecca
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: stained glass artist
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 1 Years ago.
Cause of Death: pneumonia; Aged: 47.
--Details:
My brother was paralyzed from the neck down and was prone to
pneumonia. After having been on the respirator twice before in
the ICU he refused it when he went to the emergency room this time.
He knew what he was doing, because he also refused my mother entrance
to his room until he had acertained that the doctors understood
his wishes.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
At first, I am tempted to say "the end"; but I realize that it's
just a new beginning. It is the end in a sense of this particular
life, but a new beginning in another life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand really what was going on. My mother cried, so
I cried. I guess I understood that I would never see my grandfather
again, but it didn't seem all that bad at the time.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Waiting for my brother to gasp his last breath, how the entire
family surrounded him and let him go, with our love...
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
the casket and funeral home fiasco. It seems to me to be
so ridiculous that we spend thousands of dollars on embalming,
flowers, caskets, and the whole "modern" funeral home traditions;
I would prefer a more intimate and meaningful passing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My family. Although we fight and argue at times (I being the lone
Democrat in an entire family of Republicans :)), we really mean
alot to each other and know we can lean on each other in times of
great suffering or sorrow.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Again, family. Although I did end up speaking with a psychologist,
it was my family who helped me through the most.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Letting my brother go. I felt guilt for not being there for him
at different times, and I had never told him so much about myself.
The letting go of the self that was him was hard.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Holding their hand or maintaining some kind of touch. Each of my
family members surrounding my brother was touching him, stroking his
hair, his hand and telling him that "it was okay...it will be okay"
--[My Brother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
I realized the spirituality of the death process. Usually, we are
so removed from the physicality of dying that we do not get to be on
hand for the death of a loved one, they die remotely in a hospital
room, etc., but actually being there was a greatly spiritual thing
for me. I have so many questions, but I am immersing myself in
Buddhism to help me answer some of these questions.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I really don't remember being confused...
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
my family is a laughing family. We did indeed laugh outloud at
times during the process of his death, but at the time it seemed
normal for us to do this.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
speak more with my brother to learn more about his sprituality.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there when he died.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The touch. It felt very important to hug someone near me, or hold
there hand.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
again, the funeral home and all that trappings that go with it.
I would have much preferred a simple home ceremony.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I cook something I know he would have loved. Or witness a scene
that we would have laughed over. Or going to a Blues Festival and
not having him with me running over peoples feet with his wheelchair.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
had lost one of my brothers...one of my protectors....one who would
never ever be there again for me in times of trouble.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Caring but distant. They seem to have so many petty rules, but
yet they also seem to really care about the patient.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A comfort. Having been raised in the Catholic faith, the priest
who attended the hospital, the funeral and the mass was one whom
I will always be grateful for forever.
--Religious Affiliation:
past - catholic
current - Buddhist
--Regarding MONEY:
The funeral home costs were enormous. It seemed ridiculous
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
The great "oneness" each of us felt at the wake. There were people
there I hadn't seen in years, and yet I felt we were all as one.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How oddly lifelike Martin looked when he passed. He had some
saliva running out of his mouth and I gently rubbed it away.
It felt normal to be doing this...
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I envisioned my brother floating above us in the ICU and him looking
down upon all of us. It was a feeling of freedom and extreme love.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My brother knew I loved him. I think when he died he felt all of
our love for him and he "went gently into that dark night" and I
don't know, for me, that there were any unresolved issues.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
The only odd thing that has occurred, is that shortly after my
brother died my niece, to whom he was quite close, became pregnant.
When the baby was born, she at times seems to have some behaviors
which remind us of Martin. For instance, he could not completely
open his hands and his fingers were bent at the second knuckle.
We have noticed the baby doing the same thing with her hands.
There have been other behaviors that each of us have noticed.
Perhaps it is just us wanting Martin to be part of this baby...
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I DO NOT want a funeral home funeral. Expenses such as this are so
unnecessary. Put me in a cardboard box, send me to the crematorium,
and sprinkle my ashes in a really cool location I was never able
to visit, like Scotland. As for a memorial, get together, drink
beer and talk about me, good or bad, just talk about me and tell
stories from my life. There have been some good ones...
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm scared of death, but also I welcome it as a new chapter in this
book that is me.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I would like my obit to say that she was generous and loved children.
I feel that even though I have never made large contributions to
society, I have always felt there is a goodness within all people,
we just have to search and find it. So, in the end, I would just
like any references to me to say that I was kind to others and that
I dearly loved children. They made me so happy.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
In lieu of a gravestone, my family installed a bench made of
sandstone at the head of both the graves of my father and brother.
A brass plaque was installed with their names, etc. I find that
it is very helpful to me in times of difficulties to use this bench
as a medition site. I feel closer to my brother and father and it
seems that they help me become more peaceful.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I have strengthened my Buddhist practice, regularly attending darma
practice with my Sangha and also meditating on a more regular basis.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
My relationship with my niece, who was particularly close to my
brother, has strengthened. Also, my relationship with the priest
has grown. I have come to find him to be a very spiritual but down
to earth man and he has helped me on occasion with problems I've had,
which had never happened before.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Alcohol
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
This has been an excellent questionnaire, and I wish more people
would take the time to examine how they feel about the issues stated.
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See Oct 05 contributions.
See Sep 05 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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