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See Current contributions.
See Jun 05 contributions.
See May 05 contributions.
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Sun Jul 31 16:23:46 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
Name: Linda A. Wagner
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Prof/Studies: Nurse
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More personal info:
Please post so others will learn not to trust doctors and that they
are not God
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
--That first time, how it happened was
My son was only 35, when he was mis-dignosed with an Dissecting
Aorta, they did not listen to me, but to only wave there hands,
thinking I was just a know it all nurse...
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Thoughts of the Afterlife
I know my son will wait for me, It won't be long each day I breath
another day is closer to him.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
I should have been a little more assertive when it came to stupid
doctors because I am a nurse
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Sun Jul 31 15:30:26 2005
M23 in =Unknown Locale=
Name: Jer
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo online psychology test search
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Daughter, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: SIDS; Aged: 2 months.
--Details:
Her mother used drugs which caused a 2 month premature birth. My
daughters lungs didn't properly develop and she died the day that
she was due.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an ending
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
went into complete shock and secluded myself from the world for
awhile.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the complete emptiness that I felt inside and the feeling of not
wanting to continue to live without that person in my life.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to deal with it constructively
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
it changed my life and set me on a course for a destination that
I have found peace in that I could not have found without the
death. The law of equivalent exchange was good to me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my current wife and best friend, Tabby
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
finding the motivation to continue living
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let them know how you feel about them and how much of an impact
that they had in your life, for the better or for the worse
--[My Daughter's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
moved on. Life does go on and even though that love is gone, life
does go on and with time, the hole in your heart will be filled
again. Preserve the memories and love but don't ever stop yourself
from finding happiness again.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
my daughter died on the day she was supposed to be born. I thought
of that as an ironic twist of anachristic humor on the part of fate
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I cannot comment on laughing, I was too busy crying. I didn't smile
for at least 3 months and even things that should have been funny,
weren't. I think if someone does laugh, it's because that they are
remember the happy times that they had with the person that they lost
but at least those people had the ability to move past the anguish.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be able to say goodbye
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
find the peace I have in life right now, all thanks to the
circumstances of her death.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I buried her. I found a closure that I wouldn't have had if she
would have been taken away for other reasons. I was forced to give
my son up for adoption when he was two and I never got the closure
that I got when I buried his sister.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
being with family. They were not supportive and made the whole
process even harder. I needed time alone and I don't understand
why people need others around them during times of personal grieving
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear the song that I played at her funeral. I still can't listen
to it without being forced back to the memory of all that happened
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I cannot comment on that. Different situations lead to different
paths and I can't even imagine what road I would be on if she would
have lived/
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
she should have lived. She should have been born that day, not be
called back to the creator.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
find a way to join her in the afterlife
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
would never see them again and they wouldn't truly know how I felt
about them in life. It bothered me that they never knew I worshipped
the ground that they walked upon.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
complete and total repulsion. I can't stand hospitals and doctors
anymore. There had to have been a way, if they would have checked,
that they would have known that her lungs were weak. There are too
many incomptent doctors who are too concerned with thier golf game
than they are of the people that depend on them. I would cite more
examples of thier medical incompetence, but so far, only one has
resulted in death. The others just caused pain and suffering.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
no comment
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
no comment
--Religious Affiliation:
no comment but I still would love to belive in an afterlife
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
comforting
--Regarding MONEY:
I could have given her a better memorial had I HAD any money
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
most of the people were there to support the living, not to grieve
for the lost. That bothered me
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
dreaming of the person coming to me the next day to say thier
goodbyes and telling me not to worry, they were in a better place
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I have never dealt with a death that had any signs. They were all
very sudden and unexpected
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I would have loved the chance to say goodbye instead of the death
coming suddenly. At least that way, I could have said my last words
and been there when they died
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
see prior question
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
My ex-wife died for several minutues giving birth to our
daughter. She said an angel came to her and told her to be strong.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I didn't have a chance to say some things that I wanted to but
if there is an afterlife, I'd like to think that that person is
looking down from heaven and already knows how I feel
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That's personal business and I will not share that information
publically
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
dreaming of the person coming to me the next day to say thier
goodbyes and telling me not to worry, they were in a better place
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
If they want to die instead of living in pain, let them go
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I like to think of death as the thought of the Phoenix. It is an
end of one thing and the beginning of something completely new
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I'm dead, find a way to get over it and know I love you all. Don't
mourn for me for we shall see each other again some sunny day
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Visiting a favrite place of the person that has died helps bring
you closer to that person
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
no comment
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I wasn't close with my current wife until after the death of
my daughter. I would like to think that my daughter found me my
soul mate
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Music
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Another Death
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I needed to be alone
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
no comment
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no comment
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Sat Jul 30 16:26:30 2005
M53 in MANDEVILLE, La. =ST. TAMMANY=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
LOOKING INTO STUDING MORE ON DEATH & DYING AND JUST CAME UPON
THIS SITE.
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Prof/Studies: CHAPLIN
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Bible
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
?
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 33 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 48.
--Details:
She developed breast cancer and went to bone cancer.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when the body stops functioning and a part of us (the soul)goes back
to meet its creator, where we live with the creator for eternity.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was young about 10 and my neighbor in the next apartment died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
was preaching at my own fathers funeral. I help celebrate his life
with my family and friends.
--What I think my (ST. TAMMANY) culture needs to better learn about death is:
that there is no end of life. there is just a new beginning. I do
not believe in reincarnation, however, I believe we go to another
place of peace & happiness with God.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
to know that my mother died in peace. She was ready to meet her
maker.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
talking to a franciscan priest.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never seeing my mother deceased.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to just be there, hold them and if you feel the erge, cry with
them. Don't put up any fronts, just love and accept whatever
happens. Be honest...
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
see death not as an end but a beginning of a greater life. So do
not morn so much as we should celebrate the past life. She/He is
going to a far better place.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
nothing confusing at all now.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
?
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to really tell my mother what she really meant to me and what were
the things that hurt me through the years.finally say goodbye after
several years.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
finally say goodbye after several years.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
?
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
DID THE PERSON SUFFER?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
NEVER DO
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
NO EARTHLY IDEA.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
LIFE ISN'T FAIR IT IS JUST LIFE.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
NO PROBLEM MON.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sad, I never got to say that last goodbye.The last I love you.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
WONDERFUL, LOVING AND CARING.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
N/A
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
EVERYTHING, WE BEGIN LIFE IN CHURCH WE SHOULD ALSO CELBRATE THE
LIFE IN CHURCH.
--Religious Affiliation:
ROMAN CATHOLIC
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
NEVRENDING. OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE DECEASED DOES NOT END BUT
CHANGE. WE CAN ASK THEM TO INTERCEDE FOR US, TO BE WITH US IN HARD
TIME AND GOOD.
--Regarding MONEY:
FUNERAL ARE JUST TOO EXPENSIVE. THERE SHOULD BE A CHEAPER WAY OF
HANDELING DEATH. iTS DONE SO MORBUDLY.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
hAPPY WORDS SPOKEN OF THE DECEASED.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
WHY WAN'T THERE FOOD AND DRINK AFTER AND DURING THESE FUNERAL
SERVICES. WE NEED TO CELBRATE A LIFE NOT MOPE ABOUT IT.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
THE DOCTORS TO BE PRESENT TOO. tHEY SEEM FOR MOST PART AFRAID
OF DEATH.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
IT TAKES TIME. JUST ACCEPT IT AND GO THROUGH THE STAGES OF DEATH.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
IT REALLY DID HAPPEN. mY MOTHER TOLD MY FATHER TO GO HOME AND JUST
MINUTES LATER SHE DIED. NOONE TOUCHED HER BUT WAS FOUND HANDS FOLDED
AND A SMILE ON SHINING FROM EAR TO EAR.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
NOTHING PERSONAL.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
oNLY THAT I NEVER GOT TO TALK ABOUT THE HURTFUL TIME WITH MY MOTHER,
AND THE ONLY WAY I KNOW TO DEAL WITH IT IS TO TALK TO MY SIBLINGS
AND PRAY ABOUT IT. TO FORGIVE MY MOTHER NOW.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
jUST TO TELL MY MOTHER I FORGIVE HER.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
SINCE I NEVER SAW MY MOTHER DEAD, I OFTENED DREAMT OF HER. I WOULD
NEVER SEE HER FACE,I WOULD TALK TO HER BUT NOT SEE HER FACE. FINALLY
AFTER SEVERAL YEARS I DREAMT WE WERE WALKING HAND IN HAND AND FACE
TO FACE FOR THE FIRST TIME. I TOOK HER TO THE SUBWAY, PUT HER ONE
A TRAIN, KISSED HER GOODBYE. SHE RODE THE TRAIN THROUGH THE SUBWAY
HEADING FOR THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. NO MORE BAD DREAMS
OF MY MOTHER SINCE THEN.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
RESPECT THE WISHES OF THE DYING AND DEAD. WHATEVER THEY WANT, DO IT.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I THINK I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW THAT I WAS DYING SO I ORDER MY OWN
FUNERAL, ASK PEOPLE TO FORGIVE ME ANY HURTS I DID TO THEM, AND SHOW
THAT DEATH SHOULDN'T BE A TIME OF FEAR BUT A TIME OF REJOICING,
AND PREPARATION.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
STEVE LOVED AND LAUGHED ALOT. HE ROCK & ROLLED WITH THE BEST OF
THEM. NOW HE REJOICES WITH HIS PARENTS, FRIENDS, AND HOPFULLY SOME
ROCK STARS. LETS JAM.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
jUST PRAY FPR HER SOUL TO BE WITH GOD.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I DO NOT WORRY ABOUT DEATH BE IT MINE OR OTHERS, AND JUST PRAY FOR
THE DECEASED AND THOSE PEOPLE WHO NOW LIVE VERY TROUBLSOM LIVES.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
NO
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How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
i heard that when she died she herself folded her arms and had a
big smile upon her face.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? My Belief System
The worst aspect of her death that got to me was that I never saw
her dead. I was in the military and did not get back from Korea
till after she was buried.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
WE NEED JUST TO BE THEIR FOR EACH OTHER. LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. DO
WHATEVER NEEDS TO BE DONE.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
nOT REALLY, ONLY THAT i MAY NOT OF REALLY FORGIVEN MY MOTHER.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
NO
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Jul 27 20:16:38 2005
F21 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Ex-, 20 Years ago.
Cause of Death: falling off building; Aged: .
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How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Denial
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Wed Jul 27 19:50:54 2005
F44 in vancouver island, bc =canada=
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
my friend gave me your web site as we have experienced a tragic loss
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Prof/Studies: health care
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, July17 2005 Weeks ago.
Cause of Death: brain tumor; Aged: 54.
--Details:
my friend had a couple bad headaches, went to Dr. Rushed to hospital,
operated on- not successfully. He was given 6 month to a year to
live and passed away with in 2 months from operation.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the completion of the life cycle-
Life is like a light bulb and
when you are alive there is radiance and warmth, when we die the
light is turned out and there is darkness.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Cried because I would never be able to see my granmother
again. Because I would have liked to have had the opertunity to say
goodbye and how much I loved her, how special she had made me feel.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How angry I was that a simple surgery, with known side effects were
left unattended and resulted in my mothers pre-mature death. How
my sibling cared more about the will than they did our mother was
gone.
Denial, self destruction
Extreem pain that she would never
wipe the stray hair off my face again with her you need a hair cut
smile, not to hear her voice, hug her
--What I think my (canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to get over the pain of loss
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that I had the chance to love and know these people at all
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
time - as I don't believe I have ever truly healed from these losses
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that my friend and I had been sitting laughing not a week before
he went to the Dr.
That he was to get custody of his daughter in
June, which never happened, now she is left with a junkie mom who
just takes her to friends houses, doesn't say anything and shows
up six months later?? Her dad was her world, and he had faught so
hard to get her. For a brief second in time he thought his dream
had come true..How unfair this all seems to me.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
it is about the dying person-
It is about what they want and need,
they are the ones losing thier life, be a good listener
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
never forget to say I love you and this is why
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
others step in and try to control the dying persons life-
example-
my sister told us that we were not to buy my mother the cigarettes
she was asking for.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter heals
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend more time with the people I loved so much and miss always
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
know them at all, and have many dear people I treasure still with me
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
nothing impresses me about death, especially the part where you
still have to pay your taxes?? Is dying not harsh enough to cut
you some slack??
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
to me-The Will
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
there is a beautiful day or something really fun I wish I could
enjoy with them
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I'm to much of a realist- we are born and we will die
some must
give up there lives in order for others to begin
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
we don't have a life meter to indicate when we are running low. That
we need to waste most of our lives trying to pay bill and afford
a life we end up missing it.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
sleep forever
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
went into denial..
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
distaste
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
I have never spoke with them but my girl friend says they are
just awesome!
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
religion is a form of terrorism to me
--Religious Affiliation:
I checked out lots
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I believe our spirit is energy and that it is without label, race,
sex, color or religion
--Regarding MONEY:
it was greed, gross and that it was a poor substitution for losing
someone I loved with all my heart and forever
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
how many people knew and loved her. How many wonderful things she
had done for and ment to everyone.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I had a friend once who was in a tragic accident-
I saw someone
who looked identical not a few weeks after his death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
loss of weight, unhealthy skin color, memory confusion or loss
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
do not hold a funeral, but a party with lots of food, beer, laughter-
which is how I like to live- do not show my cold dead body but a
picture of me alive and well. Don't pay my taxes:) Remember me as
unique and not just a statistic.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my father saw a boat that every one was to be leaving on-
my
girlfriend saw a grassy meadow with deer-
my adopted dad saw his
sister coming for him in a classic car
Most of the people I have
lost were to cancer and on morphine tho-
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I have no unresolved issues with the friend I lost, my issues lie
with how I feel
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
just how much I miss them, how special they were
I would get comfort
from hearing thier voices,what ever they said to me would be great,
perhaps that there is an after life and it is peacefull and I'll
see them there
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
the friend in the accident appeared several times to his girlfriend
after his death as they had had a fight right before his death.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
It is the person's rights to die as they have lived and as long
as they are capable of making thier own choices for better or
worse. Make a very clear Will with what you want to happen afterward.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I am not affraid to die-I have tempted fate many times
I just
don't want it to be extreemly dragged out and painful
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
In loving memory, the most important things to charlene were
her family,friends and animals
Her pasions were, gardening,
entertaining, her wild ways and her caring heart
if love could have
saved her, she never would have died
she will miss you all very much
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
no
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I try to appreciate the little things more- not to take things for
granted and to remember to tell people how much I care, to be there
when they need me
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
some yes
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
I don't deal with it well
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
am always sadened thinking of what my loved ones are missing or
not having them to get advise and direction from
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I wish I was stronger
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me examine the feelings I fight so hard to suppress
not
part of the healing process I'm sure
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I thought it was very well done already-long but well done
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Wed Jul 27 00:02:37 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
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--Death Is:
when the body ceases to regenerate new cells and the organs shut
down. Slowly the body begins to decompose. That is the scientific
way. The soul- the mind of the human, the feelings and emotions
are a mystery.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't want to approach the coffin. Every family member I could think
of was there. There were donuts in the waiting room in the back-
that is where the younger and closer family members retreated every
once in a while to get away. My Aunt took me up to the coffin and
wanted me to hold her hand. It was really hard and cold. I remember
thinking how horrible she looked. It was my Great Aunt. The mortician
had her smile all wrong and she had a horrible resemblance to a frog-
stretched mouth and all. I pretended to kneel and say a prayer- but
what do you say?! This was the first time I could really understand
why I was here. It wasn't the first funeral but it was the first
one i could comprehend. I was confused. I knew death was final and
she would not reanimate. But i was confused as to why there were so
many flowers and if she was wearing shoes. She wasn't wearing shoes-
that confused me even more. My mother said it had something to do
with some kind of supersition. Something like the soul couldn't get
into heaven with shoes on- I never understood. I backed away from
the coffing and went down the row of immediate family and gave them
my condolences. Those consisted of sad faces and handshakes or hughs
and a lot of talk about how much bigger I had gotten since they had
seen me last. Then I waited for my parents to say we could leave. I
sat in the most unpopulated area or room of the funeral home.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How no one knew how to deal with the death. My Grandmother was the
staple in the family. The whole family revolved around her. Not
because she was controlling- just simply because she was the last of
the ones who kept with the tradition of "family". When she passed
away I was babysitting my two cousins and we were at the Aquarium
of the Americas. I felt like something was wrong. This was before
everyperson in America had a cell phone so I had to go on a whim. I
knew she was sick. I hadn't gotten to her house (a block away from
where i was staying) to see her. I didn't go on purpose. I knew
she would be passing away within the month. I thought if I went
she would die immediately. I thought if I didn't go- maybe she
wouldn't. She couldn't. The last time I saw her she was in the ICU
and she was angry and crying because she didn't want me to see her
like that. That was it. That was the last time. On the ride home
accross the Mississippi River the storm clouds came out of no where
and it started to pour. It was really bizarre. We got off the ferry
and I loaded the kids into my car and drove to there house making
sure to detour and pass infront of my grandmothers house. My father
was in the driveway crying. He couldn't speak. And when he finally
did speak it was just "That's my momma". My cousin, Scott, was only
6 and his sister, Paige, was barely talking yet. His parents were
at work. I got them out the car and had to explain death to him. How
do you explain death to a 6 year old? I still don't know. My sister
flew in from Colorado. She didn't know how to handle it either. So we
fought. I drove my mother and her across the lake to get clothes and
my sister punched me in the face while i was driving. I don't even
remeber why. It wasn't important we just didn't know how to handle
it. I pulled over and pounded her. My mother was screaming. Finally
my sister got in the back and we started driving again.
At the
funeral home i didn't want to leave this time. I just wanted to
stay with her forever. I sang to her. That mushy song by Sarah
Mclaughlin Angel. It was playing in the car- that might be what
started the fight. No one wanted to cry infront of the other.
My
father still isn't okay. That was almost 10 years ago.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
This isn't really a cultural thing- but New Orleans- the south- we
treat death differently than other placess. Not simply the burial
but the whole tradition of death. The shared pain etc.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
My Grandmother, she isn't suffering anymore. The last time I saw
her alive she was in more pain than should be ever tangible or
immaginable or POSSIBLE. She may not be here with me in the physical
but I have her handwritting, I cook just like her, onions garlic
and pound cakes always remind me of her. My sister has Grandma's
crooked pointer finger. My Aunt looks more and more like her every
year. I miss her- but I know she is better off than the last time
I saw her alive and in agony.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Friends and Family. Still there are times when I miss loved ones. I
have lost many but still miss them. And there is no better way
to continue life than with those that remember the times with the
one that is no longer here. funny memories, stories, tales- even
if modified and no longer the original truth- they still keep the
heart full of love for that person.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
change in routine. No longer having holidays at the usual place. No
longer having those favorite dishes from Grandma. No longer watching
Pop stare at the cars pass on the street. No longer seeing Ryan
make his mother and sister smile. Knowing how much Linda wanted
her two sons to live. Knowing how much Victor wanted his two
sons to play sports with him. Missing Sassy-Dog catching bugs
that weren't there. Watching the sorrow of parents that outlive
their children. Watching children grow up with no parents. Death
is hardest on routine.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Traditionally my family bakes a meal for the family of the
departed. It shows that we are there for them in their time of
need. It helps the family to have food and not have to worry about
feeding guests or themselves. And it shows that we are not going
to pester them and stay longer than needed- but it shows that if
they desired our company we would be more than happy to stay and
help them through the rought stuff.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
When "Angel" plays on the radio. I can listen all the way to the
part when she sings "stone cold hotel room- and the emptyness
that you fear". I know that Sarah McLaughlin was singing about
someones suicide. But for me the song has different meaning. To me-
the song was a big part in losing my grandmother. And the burial
grounds in New Orleans are all above ground and made of cement and
stone. When that line plays i simply envision the coffin sliding
into the tomb. like a little room with boards holding the coffin
up. THe same tomb my parents' two boys are in. The same tomb my
aunts and uncles are in. The same tomb that we would open a year
later for my Grandfather. A hotel room with a family of visitors
that stay there endlessly. The line gets me every time.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
horror. my grandmother was in pain throughout. My grandfathers
official death certificate said dehydration! My friend Anne lost
her baby in utero- they didn't tell her but gave her the drugs to
enduce labor first- then told her. Didn't even call her husband
or mother. She delivered a dead child alone. Anne's brother was
electrocuted on the job- died on the scene and the hospital made
the family wait for 3 hours before telling them any information. I
am appauled at the medical community. with so much technology it
seems like the bedside manner has been tossed to the wind.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
see the above- my grandfather died of dehydration. HOW does this
happen if he is in a hospital? It wasn't as if we weren't there-
we were- but we are not doctors and nurses. He was in a convalescent
home in the full services wing for nonmobile patients. T
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
catholic services with readings and last rights
--Religious Affiliation:
catholic if any family member is asking agnostic if nonfamily
is asking
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
this can't be the worst and it certainly isn't the best. as for the
rest- i am not sure. I can only hope that i don't screw up enough
to be downgraded.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
my grandmother waited for my father to leave the room it seemed
(To my mother who remained with her) then she called to Lena-
her sister that had died many years before and that was it.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
i wrote a letter to my grandmother and buried it with her. I sang at
Anne's baby's funeral and later I went back to leave him a message
of how much his mother loved the time she had with him. it helped
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
Company and Talking with others about memories of happier times.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Viewing the Body
They never EVER look the same in the coffin or right before death.
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Sun Jul 24 23:33:09 2005
M71 in Brownsville, TX =US=
Name: Bernie Santa.-Coloma
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
just browsing, surfing
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Prof/Studies: career at-risk teacher, lic. psychotherapist, Board-Approved
Supervisor
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More personal info:
ok
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Life after Life;Tibetan Bk. of the Dead; The Eagle & the Rose;
There is a River; The Heart of Man; Zen Buddhism & Psychoanalysis;
Life Divine, Hello from Heaven, et al
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Raymond Moody`s research; Erich Fromm; Edgar Cayce; Alice Sebold;
Rosemary Altea; Sri Aurobindo ( esp. Prof Haridas Chaudhuri,
Aurobindo`s maximum exponent @ my alma mater, CIIS, Frisco); Chogyam
Trungpa; Guggenheims; Thos Merton`s magnanimous life & work...
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Brother, 39 Years ago.
Cause of Death: undedected,congenital heart defect; Aged: 17.
--Details:
again, sudden, no one expected it, he was robust, full of life; also,
later as a medical corps in the service tended others, patients,
who died
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
is a sudden separation into another dimension - we are
ontopsychosomatic entities or continuums...body-mind-spirit, the
summit is the onto (ontology, 1st principle) level - death is a
passing into the spirit realm & really life should be a never-ending
preparation for our ultimate release into the spirit world, a leap
into existence...
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was confused, sad, very pensive, reflective, introspective
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
tremendous loss, family of origin deeply affected, later another
sib (sister whom was very close to former) died of a drug overdose,
the trauma seemed to precipitate many problems for her; &, post-dad
passed away prematurely & later mother, tragically
--What I think my (US) culture needs to better learn about death is:
acceptance - knowledge - greater awareness -> i.e.,
consciousness-force-bliss (sat-cit-ananda, Skt.)
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
death is not an end; it`s the beginning of our journey toward
apotheosis, an ultimate integration & unification...
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
existential exps. & w/ my wife (very psychic), dghtrs., & work as
a therapist esp. w/ their suffering & experiential wisdom; indeed,
suffering brings wisdom as in those who have gone thru 12-steps,
become spiritual sponsors (&, OBEs, NDEs, of a rehabilitative,
transformative nature)
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
not knowing, not knowing, like nescience, Ignorance w/ cap `I`
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
give comfort, support...it`s different yet similar for all
--[My 's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
to be aware, as conscious as possible that what comes is only a final
release to another more complete trajectory...There are currently
numerous `walk-ins` who are, in fact, actively helping others w/
extraordinary dedication in their sojourn thru nature-wisdom-final
happiness...As Dr. Moody here, in the West, has also discovered
in his marvelous research (OBE, NDE) into the near-death exp.,
dying firsthand, experientially - yes, the whole bit of actually
perishing, receding, going thru the tunnel & taking such profound joy
in being reunited w/ loved ones who have passed, can be so redeeming
- transforming people, individuals, around full circle! (Cf. Rosemary
Altea, "The Voice of the Spirit World" & Dick Sutphen`s extraordinary
epilogue to Jack London`s great reincarnation novel,`The Star Rover`)
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
death is often deeply misunderstood, rather than lovers of death,
being our motto (`necrophilia`, Thanatos instinct) let`s flip to
biophilia (Eros), lovers of Life in all its manifestations
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
it`s strange, but ambivalence is perfectly understandable, however,
oppositional forces need to be reconciled, integrated
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
be there to the end
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
grieve successfully
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
it tends to draw us all together cohesively
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
grief has to be worked thru appropriately, apropos
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
very normal,therapeutic-type moments
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
OK as long as it doesn`t get obsessive, delusional, morbid
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
of course, but often life just isn`t fair
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
takes time to work thru, need to w/ time & space
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
sadness, loss, disbelief, grief
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
always mixed feelings - medicine can only do so much that`s why
alternative, holistic medicine - an integral approach & methodology -
is so essential, e.g., as in Dossey`s `Reinventing Medicine`
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
they`re great, xlent support group w/ my mother & clients who`ve
been terminal
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
religion, faith is the sine qua non, but in full communion at the
depths of being...
--Religious Affiliation:
RC mixed w/ Eastern thought, strongly influenced by Thos. Merton`s
life & work...in fact, his sudden, untimely death deeply moved,
motivated me, my sense of direction esp. back in `68
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
amen! - this unequivocally seems to be true
--Regarding MONEY:
we were needy in a deeper sense
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
it`s so often out of touch, reminds me of Camus` work, the poignant
sense of estrangement, alienation from reality
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
too often tragically die before giving birth to our self, our
potentiality in the deepest human sense
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
healthy mindset, if not, support group, if disoriented, senile,
esp. imp.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
we, perhaps, die the way we`ve lived, at the final moment, hopefully,
we can get into the bardo state effectively
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
these are beautiful exps. which give deeper meaning & purpose to
our existence; however, there`s much misunderstanding of their
significance & there`s a thin line between hallucinatory & psychic
exps. as in `The 6th Sense`
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
yes, some have been able to integrate these exps. suuccessfully;
while others, unfortunately, haven`t because they weren`t ready
in their psychic or spiritual development - their level of being,
of consciousness...
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
my main issues are doing something of value for others in the final
analysis, last judgment, what shall I contribute to my fellowman,
to posterity...like a bodhisattva or walk-in, are those who finally
see the light & are metamorphosed integrally, holistically, in
the humanistic-transpersonal sense of service to others. Life is
continuous & it is, therefore, preeminently useful to see it in terms
of how - through successive lifetimes - each of us is unraveling
karmic-ties that are necessary & essential which - sanguinely -
are experiences needing to be positively disentangled.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
love is the most precious of gems, though, there are many facets -
truth, justice, wholeness, goodness, etc. - w/, of course, God as
the greatest, supreme value
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
my exps. of this have for me been transformative, turned me around;
others I`ve known or worked w/ have not fully understood their
exps. & have went off the deep end w/ drugs, mental illness, or
simply were unable to appreciate them in their full depth & scope,
their entirety, the Gestalt, at-one-ment
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
basic-&-higher needs attended to, integrally, nondually,
holistically, ad infinitum
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
it`s a time for rejoicing, not of sorrow, `to be` is `to do` &
to do IS...this is the praxis: life v. death; Eros over Thanatos;
freedom or robotism - which will it be?
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
In a reflexive,existential exercise, this investigator sketched
his own eulogy: at moment of passing, as witnessing it in an OBE
(as in an out-of-body, near-death exp.), it`s really fascinating, &
an unfinished business, you might say, in cosmic terms: i.e., even
though this spirit was hoping it would be his last incarnation,
the panegyrist is recounting how he had completed some things in
his lifetime, yet there is so much to be accomplished & that in
the next cycle or embodiment, apparently like Jonathan Livingston
(Richard Bach), he would finally return as a bodhisatttva, i.e.,
a fully realized soul who instead of deciding to leave this
existence, opts to assist all nescient, unenlightened beings in
their evolutionary soul-growth as a "walk-in" (Ruth Montgomery).
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
plunged myself into studies, helping others, integrating & unifying
myself at deeper levels, you can best teach, facilitate others
optimal growth & development, by being
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
their is a definite flow, synchronicity in my struggles which are
akin to being a free willer, not driven or determined willy-nilly,
& in touch w/ my Higher power, a transpersonal, supramental Force,
as an ontopsychosomatic entity or continuum, ad infinitum, Cosmic
Consciousness (for inst., my MBTI profile is `INFP`; Enneagram,
RHETI, `4w5`)
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
not really, though, coud be in process, inchoate
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How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
it took time to learn how to cope, I guess
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Passage of Time
personal, family sensitivities
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
being in the here-now, the there-&-then
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
definitely an interesting (etymology, inter-esse, as deeply engrossed
`in-between`) helpful, learning exp.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
being pithy, to the point, is generally best
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Sun Jul 24 22:27:28 2005
F64 in Virginia =USA=
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More personal info:
I do not ever give out my personal information on web sites.
How could you ask? I don't even know who you are, except by name.
Are you so famous I should recognize it? ARe you with a university
or research group? C'mon.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 13 Years ago.
Cause of Death: bone cancer; Aged: 73.
--Details:
As soon as he was diagnosed, we sat around the kitchen table
discussing it with him. He said that he would live with as much
dignity and joy as long as he had any "quality of life" left, and
that he reserved the right to redefine "quality" as he went along.
However, when he decided it was time to go, we should let him
go willingly. It was a great 3 years subsequently, and when it
was too late to do anything else, he asked to go to the hospital.
As I helped him put on his sox, I asked if he was looking forward
to the next stage. He said he was a little curious, and he imagined
that he would be zooming all over the universe, finding the answers
to all his questions, and that it would seem to simple then, that he
would marvel that he couldn't understand them here on earth. What a
wonderful legacy for me to remember. That is how I think of him.
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--Death Is:
The termination of the period of time we spend on earth.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was afraid because I was in 6th grade, and it was a brother of
my friend. He must have had kidney failure and they said he died
from drinking too much coke.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the wonderful legacy for dying with dignity that my dad left me.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to think about our own death and how to live daily so as to
cherish life while we have it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
already described my father's clarity at explaining his concept of
death to me.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My membership in the Unitarian Universalist church helps me to deal
with life and death with joy.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feelings of loss and sadness
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Tell the people that you love how much you love BEFORE it gets to
the last days. My mother has been somewhat ill for some time and
is dying as I write this. For some months, I have been writing
her chatty letters, but I always try to include one incident I
remember when she was so much help to me. I wanted her to feel loved
and to feel that her life was important. I am familiar with Erik
Ericson's 8 stages of life. I wanted mom to feel that she had made
a difference in other people's lives, even though she knew she was
often difficult.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
actually my son-in-law, who died at age 34 in a snow mobile accident.
I learned that my daughter had enormous courage and ability to
accept life's offerings. She was left with 3 children under age 6.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
(death of my son-in-law). I was shocked and because he died in
another state, and they had to have an autopsy, it was a week before
the body was even sent back. It was a week of unbelief.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I was a Life-long Lutheran. I was so turned off by our Sunday
School Class forming prayer groups to ask God to heal my dad
when we all knew he had terminal bone cancer, that after he died,
I left the church and eventually became a UU. I cannot imagine
a god so trivial that she/he would heal someone only if "enough"
people prayed for him.
--Religious Affiliation:
Unitarian-Universalist
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
When a good friend of mine (male) insisted he heard his dead wife
opening cupboard doors in the kitchen and turning on the bathroom
faucets. My sister also insists that she heard my dad play his
banjo after he died and that he appeared at the bottom of her bed.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
A living will and organ donation cards should be in order.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
Sometimes I do think about my own death. I am 64. I try to keep
my relationships in good healthy condition as much as possible, so
that we can celebrate life together now. Especially with family
and close friends, I try to show my appreciation of their daily
dealings with me. I would like to be able to say, as my dad did,
that I have "no regrets." However, I feel like it would be more
realistic for me to say that I have "few" regrets. I do try to live
for the present and relish each day, including small things such
as watering the garden, reading the paper, taking water aerobics,
playing with my grandchildren (I have 13, but they live all over
the USA) whenever possible. Who knows what I'll be like when the
real time for my death comes. But at least I know I am able to
feel that I have accomplished a great deal of good in my life,
and that I am willing to pass on the torch to younger folk.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She owned a child development center for 34 years and specialized
in working with children with disabilities. She also taught at
the University of Pittsburgh at Greensburg in the Psychology
and pre-Education areas. She was the mother of two wonderful
daughters, and two wonderful step-children, and the grandmother of
13 great kids. She loved to garden, swim, travel, canoe, and read.
She had an enormous curiosity about everything and was constantly
learning new concepts. At the time of her death, she was trying
to master Spanish. (Boy, I hope I get it mastered before then,
but it is coming pretty slowly)
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I came to this site because my mother is currently in the process
of dying (probably within a few days.) She is at my brothers house
in another state with hospice visiting 4 hours a day. Still, it
is difficult. I was there last week, but chose to come home so
that she could feel more free to slip away because my brother is
aware of and interested in helping her do this easily. However,
my sister keeps visiting and pulling her back to the present, and
when she leaves, my brother reports that my mother is adjitated
for some time.
I am searching for the right way to resolve this,
but I recognize that each of us must come to terms with this in our
own way. At this time, it is difficult to say whether my mother
is ready to go willingly, or whether she welcomes the pulling back.
I have discovered that there are no easy answers with her as there
were with my dad, who had talked more freely about his dying much
earlier. Mom has not, and now we are not sure whether she wants
to recover from a recent hip replacement (she fell in the nursing
home) or whether she was waiting for this opportunity to die.
SHe is 85 and has been dispondent since my step-dad died last June.
She had remarried at 75, after my dad died.
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Wed Jul 20 07:52:26 2005
F26 in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, 10 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer; Aged: 49.
--Details:
I have lost other loved ones since, and in similar circumstances,
but this is the death which has affected me the most as it was
difficult to come up with reasons to justify it apart from the fact
that she was no longer in pain. Her daughter is the same age as me,
and she was only a year older than my mother (her sister). We were
all close, and although I grieved for her, my own grief was by far
outweighed by the grief of my mother, her others sisters and brother,
my grandmother, and most of all, her husband and children. Also,
she had been fighting cancer on and off for (in our minds) such a
long time, that I think the threat of it had diminished, so when
she died, it was a totally out of the blue shock, even though it
shouldn't have been.
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--Death Is:
When a person ceases to exist as a human being: their heart stops
and they are no longer physically present any longer
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
perceived it as an inevitable, if sad, part of life which we will
all experience some day
--That first time, how it happened was
My aunt (dad's only sister) died of cancer when I was about four -
I remember other people's reactions, but not much else. My first
significant death I think was when I was about 9 or 10, when my
cousin died of a cot death at four months. I lived near by and we
spent the day with the family during the wake (I am a catholic),
then the funeral, and then my other cousins stayed with us afterwards
whilst their parents coped with it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The desperate attempt for eveyone to process and accept it - we
all believed that she only ceased to exist in human form, but we
all dreaded how much we would miss her before it even happened
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing. I think the culture I was born into allows me to deal
exceptionally well with death - it allows for grieving, and at the
same time supplies beliefs and rituals which aid the grieving both
immediately and in the long term
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that most of my loved ones have died in circumstances which are not
horrific - even though it may have been before their time. To have
your family around you, to have the opportunity to say goodbye,
to be surrounded by as many people in death as you were in life
shows that although grief will always be difficult to deal with,
it is proof that there is still a thread which binds us all together
and somehow makes it possible, no matter how difficult, to deal with.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My loved ones (friends and family) and my belief system
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
that no matter how positive you try to be, the reality is that it
would be so much better if it had never happened
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to give them dignity and to remember that for the moment, it is
all abou them. Don't act as if they are already dead - brush their
hair the way they always had it, even if they are wired to tubes
and drips. Hold their hand, laugh, talk, don't feel obliged to go
into deep and meaningful discussion at all time. Everyone in the
room knows that the person is dying - leave it aside and just visit
and support them and each other
--[My 's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realise that there is peace in dying. And a closeness with everyone
who is grieving, too, that may not possibly have been there before.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I found myself wishing that my loved one would die. I was grieving so
much much already, and yet I wished for her own sake that she could
give up the fight and not feel as though she should struggle on for
us. I spent so much time wishing for her to stay alive forever,
and then to find myself wishing that she would die shocked and
disturbed me.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
there is a fine line been hysterically laughing and hysterically
crying. When something is so overwhelming, and when you have been
so wound up and consumed and stressed about something for so long,
something needs to give - laughter can be that something. And there
is nothing wrong with laughter when people understand it.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I sometimes feel compelled to say 'I wish I could have said one
last final goodbye'. But actually I don' think this needs a 'movie
moment'. When I did have the opportunity to say everything I ever
wanted to a dying loved one, I was struck with the knowledge that
it isn't necessary for the most part. They knew, I knew, I had
nothing to apologise for that wasn't wholly insignificant in the
grand scheme of things and vice versa. A teary, emotional goodbye
isn't always necessary at that particular moment, and in some ways
actually seems wholly inappropriate and slightly melodramatic
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
spend time with someone. Just holding their hand, to know that they
knew there was someone there who loved them
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
my loved one was given their dignity, in the smallest of ways.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
the obligatory mourning - black suits, sombre faces, pantomine
hushed voices. People too often react as they think they should,
it becomes a parody of the whole thing
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I imagine them sitting here, right now. Or coming back. It makes
you realise how much you miss them
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I find this depressing, because it starts to make the person part
of history, not of this time, and I like to think of that person
as here anyway, just in a different form
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
and then you think that we have a very maleable understanding of
what 'fair' is. Some things have to be rationalised in order to
cope with them. Feeling as though it is just ot fair is a perfectly
noraml part of the grieving process
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
ease the grief of others. I can cope with my own, and I can cope
with the person's death, but my heart aches to see others grieving.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
cried. I felt disorientated - I had done all the rituals and all
the tears at the time, but when I forgot that the person was dead,
then remembered, and for the first time really realised that they
weren't coming back, it was a different type of grief.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
respect
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
respect and gratitude
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
a method of doing things. There was a formula to death and dying
which gave us things to do even before the death. And after the
death, it gave us a way to channel our grief and total uncertainty
through ritual and ceremony which got us through the worst. What
each of us believed after that varies, but a belief in an afterlie
certainly makes it relatively easy for me to cope with death
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
precious and present. The particulars of what we all believe become
irrelevent in so many ways, because I have yet to meet someone
who doesn't believe that 'something' happens when someone dies,
beyond purely the medical. And anyone who has looked into a dying
person's eyes knows that there has to be something else, because
it is a totally inimmicable expression
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
you have to go with your gut reaction, and then work through it,
rationalising it. Don't be swayed by melodrama or the reactions of
others, cry when you need to, laugh when you need to, feel a bit
unfairly treated if you need to, but overall realise that you, too,
are going through a process, and believe that this, too, will pass
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Funeral and Rituals
And also my belief system - we were told from the very beginning
that he was already an angel, and that he was in heaven with other
loved ones, looking down on us, etc, etc. I suppose to us children
it was nearly sold as being a lovely thing to happen for the baby's
sake, even though we would all be sad that he wasn't here any more
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Helping Other People cope
Although I was too young to 'help anyone cope', it was still
obvious that the adults were traumatised, regardless of what they
were telling us about angels and heaven, etc. the reality of how
traumatising it would be to find your baby dead, the irrational
guilt, the shock, etc is only now fully appreciated by me as
an adult.
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Sat Jul 16 12:13:43 2005
F Guest in Lancashire =United Kingdom=
Name: Kush
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Found us by: [ Friend ]
I raised a question and the link was sent to me
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Prof/Studies: Level 4 Health Worker, N.V.Q Assessor/Internal Verifier.
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More personal info:
I don't mind if my name is posted.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
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--Death Is:
Leaving the earthly body behind and going on into the Spirit World.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Was only five. I saw my grandfather in his coffin layed out in my
grandmothers house. I was a curious child and went into the room,
reached up and looked in. I never understand what was going on,
and when I asked why he was lying in a box, I was told he had gone
to Heaven. It never affected me. The first time I experienced death
as in being aware of it - it upset me very much, although I kept
telling myself that the person was better of where they were going,
rather than staying here in pain, that they will now be happy and
well again. I have always been aware of the Spirit World - and I
do believe in a Spiritual connection with everything on this earth.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
How i felt this emptiness inside of me. My Dad had been ill for a few
years, and we knew that he was going to pass over. I was prepared for
it, so I thought, but when he went - I was quite numb for a couple of
weeks - i arranged all the insurance policies, I collected the death
certificate for my Mum, I did all the things that had to be done. I
have worked in caring for almost twenty years, and have experienced
many deaths - I think I had just learnt to accept it. After the
initial two weeks after my Dad died, i returned to work - two weeks
later, I found that I couldn't cope with the clients, and had to be
signed off from work for two weeks with 'stress through bereavement'
- I was shocked, because I felt that I was alright and was coping
quite fine - but I did miss my Dad terribly - i was having dreams
about him, where he was telling me that everything was ok with him,
and that he was happy - i was content with that.
--What I think my (United Kingdom) culture needs to better learn about death is:
I am not in any religion now, but when I was young all my family
were baptised into the 'Latter Day Saints'{Mormons]- they believe
in a Spirit World - that we come from the Spirit World and we return
to the Spirit World.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When my dad died - my sister and I were talking in her house - I
then went home and later returned to my sisters - we were talking
about my dad - and I felt this heaviness on my left shoulder - I
rubbed at it. My sister asked what was the matter, and I told her
I felt this weight on my left shoulder - she covered her face and
went quite pale in colour. she then explained to me, that when I had
gone home, she had asked my dad to let her know if he was there, by
either shown himself or touching her left shoulder - she said that
it must have been my dad touching my shoulder to show to us that
indeed he was there ----- our family all believe in life after death.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
being able to talk to my friends and family about my dad - it was
wonderful recalling lots of things about him and having a laugh
about it.This also helped my mum, who had gone into a deep grief
over the death of my dad.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
That the person you loved and knew so long, was not there anymore -
not on the earth dimension anyway.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Not to be sad about it - tell them that you will miss them but that
you know they are going to a happier place, and also to describe how
you see the Spirit World to be. talk about the funny things they
done in life and let them talk about things that were inportant
to them - about their family and friends. Above all maintain the
dignity of the dying person, do their hair, their nails etc and
smile and laugh as much as is possible.
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
believed where he was going to, believed that he would be well and
happy again, and that he wasn't in any more pain, believed in the
Spiritual aspects of life and how this is a tremendous relief if
one can accept that their loved one is walking free.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
It is good to laugh - remembering funny things that had happened
along lifes journey.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Tell my Dad exactly how I felt about him dying - tell him that i
would miss him, but that I also knew how well he would be again.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Dance and sing with him while he was ill, shave him, laugh with
him, get pictures taken with him, and just spend a lot of time with
him. I am grateful for those times.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
The funeral directors came to my mums to take the funeral details -
when they asked what was to be said in the Arbituary - I wouldn't
let them put the word 'died' - I told them that it had to say
'passed' - my brothers and sisters told me it didn't matter - but
it did matter - to me it mattered - my mum was grateful for that
when she recovered from the shock.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Having the funeral itself - cremation or burial - we believed that
he would go onto the Spirit World regardless - so in the end we
chose a cremation.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I feel his prescence around me, or when he is in a dream of mine --
I can see him in the dream, the way he was prior to his illness.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I can't envision that it wouldn't have or shouldn't have happened -
it did happen and it happened because it was my dads tme to go -
and I think he was ready to go, if the truth be known - he was ill -
he couldn't communicate verbally, he was on a peg feed - he wanted
to go - and he went.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
Why did he have to suffer befor he died - why didn't he just die
---- and then I think - if he had just died, then I wouldn't have
been able to do the things I did, like shave him etc.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
See him one more time - not in physiucal form - but Spirit form.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
My mum had rang me and told me that there was something wrong with
my dad. It took me all of five minutes to get to her house. When
i went in I knew straight away that he was died - but it wasn't
until I had to phone the Dr to confirm it, that i actually realised
that he was indeed 'dead' and then I had to phone all the family -
it was a very difficult thing to do.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
The medical community is a farce -- they say they don't have the
time to spend time with ill patients or time to do all the checks
they should on people with illnesses - but they do - i am in
caring, we have twenty nine clients and three staff, when someone
is ill or needs attention through that illness, they get it - time
means nothing to me or the other staff. The Dr's themselves write
prescriptions and think everything will be ok - but they don't
look as deep as they should --- they don't really care. Medical
people have the qualifications that say they can do this or that -
but what they should really be doing is taking courses in the care
of dying people, and actually 'feeling' for that person. When my
dad was in hospital ill - I hated going into see him, not because I
didn't want to but because I knew that his blanket would be on the
floor again, that his legs would be cold because no-one had been
in to him for a while, and that he wouldn't be given his drinks
or meals because he couldn't take them himself - they would just
be left there, because the nurses said they didn't have the 'time'
to encourage or persuade him - we eneded up taken him home to care
for him properly - well my mum did - but we all helped her.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
I am not in any religious order. My belief in Spirituality helped
me and my family through - the belief that my dad would live on
helped all of us.
--Religious Affiliation:
The Church of jesus Christ Of Latter-Day-Saints [I left the church
when i was about nineteen, I realised it wasn't my belief system
anymore].
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
I know my dad is still alive - not on this earth palin, but on a
higher Spiritual level.
--Regarding MONEY:
Everything cost a price - the funeral expaenses are far too expensive
- when one is wanting to grieve they have the added sorrow of how
much is this going to cost --- money issues take over, and grief
sometimes has to be left behind. My mum was fortunate in the fact
that she had a large family, and didn't have to worry about anything
financial.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I can't think of anything.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Hearing his voice as he was cremated ---- I had made a tape of my
dad reciting a poem, which he had taped himself one afternoon he
had been on his own before he became ill - he recited a poem to the
music of a popular song 'Unchained Melody'and sang another song --
I taped both tracks onto a tape which was palyed in the church as
his casket was taken behind the curtains -- it was so uncanny to
hear his voice - it felt like he was there watching the whole 'show'.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
Is the lethagy that sets in, the depression and not feeling up
to things they way they used to - things which are atypical to
the person.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
Treat the person as normal as can be - even though they are
dying doesn't mean to say that everything has to change in their
lifestyle.Laugh with them, Talk about things the way they want
to. Don't go about things in hushed tones or wear a melancholy face -
just let them be themselves.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My dad knew he had been visted by his family - my mum said that
my dad looked up as if someone was there and put his hand out ---
my dad was a Spiritual person - he had seen things all his life,
but never talked about them with us, but I knew, and my dad knew
that i knew - because he knew that i too believed more deeply in
the Spirituality of all more than the rest of my family.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
I have seen Spirits but have never had a near death experience.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I can't hink of anything significant.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I don't think there is anythingthat I could say to my dad or he to
me that would change anything to how we all felt as a family - if I
did get the chance to see him again in Spirit form - I would merely
ask him how he was and that I missed him, and also that i love him -
I guess i would probably like him to say that he loved me too and
that he was always there with us all, and that he could really and
honestly hear me when I speak to him, and how he knows when I have
acheived something good in my life - and also that he is helping my
son who has recently gone through a bed depressive episode and who
has become like a recluse and wont go out and this has all been in
the last year -that he will emerge from it and start living a life
again ----- that is what i want my dad to tell me. I want my dad to
tell me that he is here with him, helping him and everything will be
ok -- he was always good at helping people be sure about themselves.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I had a dream where my dad came back to show me that he was well
again - that he was not this sick man that i had seen on a sick
bed. He stood proud and tall - I knew he was well again.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I believe it is the right of everyone to have their wishes attended
to about their dying procedures and their funeral wishes -- I also
believe that the person who is dying has to have their wishes which
they know are not impossible for the family to apply - the dying
person also has to remember that it is a hard time for the family
which are left behind - they are the ones who grieve.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I learn that I was to die soon - I would worry about my son and
husband. I would want to be with them every minute of every hour --
I would want them to be prepared for everything done the line --
how to work the washing machine etc -- I would need to know that
they would look after themselves properly, but I would also want
them to be well prepared for my death - and if i had an ill ness
where I couldn't do anything for myself - i would need to know that
they would get someone in to wash my hair etc - i want all dignity
in my dying days.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
I think my orbituary would have to be a poem i wrote about myself
years ago for a qualification I was undertaken at that time -------
it is called "me" and goes like this .......
I have always been told
that my nature is giving - and I wouldn't be me if I were to stop
caring - that more times than never - I get too deeply involved -
in the problems of others, frinds, sisters and brothers.
It has also
been said - that I'm too analytical - and it's also been mentioned -
sometimes I'm quite critical - That I'm often quite bold - in the
things that i say - but my tongue is my mind - I am me - that's my
way.
When I'm asked for advice - and I give my opinion - I aim to
be open - truthful and honest. - I don't mean to offend - be hurtful
or biased - if the words that I use - aren't the words folk are
wishing. - I'm a down to earth person - who feels for others - I use
tactful manoeuvres - and fine discriminatory powers. ------------
That is what it would have to say - but I would also want it to
say that - I loved everyone I knew and cared deeply for them all.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I planted a rose bed garden for my dad, because he loved roses -
I got a big boulder and wrote words on it - the boulder still sits
in the rose bed and the roses are coming on beautifully.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I didn't have any rituals or anything - I just accepted that my
dad was in the Spirit World, and that we will meet him again when
it is out turn to go.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
No, I haven'y noticed anything change in the way of friendships etc.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Lack of Awareness
I believe that all souls go on into the Spirit World - to a happier
place than earth.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Other:
I have always been able to deal with death - but when my own Dad
passed away, although i knew he was in a happier place, I missed him.
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
To have unlimited time to spend with them - to be able to let them
talk until their hearts content, about all the things they want to
talk about and also to be able to take their hurt away.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes, it has helped me remember things about my dad - I have been
seeing his face in my mind since I started talking about him - it
has also helped me to remember things about him and it has made me
smile - I also had a few tears in my eyes as I recalled his funeral
etc. but, i have enjoyed doing the questionaire, it has been a good
experience - I know that there will be a reason for me doing this.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I can't think of any other questions at this minute - but I do know
that as soon as I post it to you - I will >smile<.
Thank you for
letting me talk about my dad.
With love.
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Thu Jul 14 06:55:12 2005
F30 in Lancashire, =Britain=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: two heart attacks; Aged: 78.
--Details:
my gran was diabetic and had had two heart attacks, she was very
tired and didnt seem to want to go on. She wanted to go home from
the hospital. She was supposed to go home in two weeks.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
When you cease to be able to think, move, speak, body cells begin
to die and you no longer exist.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
Understood that were gone but was to young to think about it to
deeply and just accepted it was bad for them and got over it quickly.
I was about 6 yrs old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
That I thought she may have given up because no one had come to see
her that night and she might have thought they have all forgotten
about me now. I have got nothing more to give.
--What I think my (Britain) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That there is to much emphasis on being respectful of the dead.
The wearing of black. Why would it be so disrespectful to turn up in
bright pink. Be happy you knew the person and celebrate their life.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
That I always told my gran I loved her and I never spoke to her
like she was an old lady and like she was stupid. She knew how
much she meant to me and I her.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Taking some of the things that I had always remebered from my grans
house that to me were part of hers and my life.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Not being able to speak to her ever again, because she was always
there and so understanding and I felt like we thought the same.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Try to be happy and tell them you love them. Don't sit and cry.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
My dad threw away lots of her things that were of immense sentimental
value to me.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Have been there so she didnt die thinking that I didnt care anymore.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
show her how much I loved her when she was alive.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
Little coicidences happened like her house number always cropping up.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
People wearing black at the funeral.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I drive passed her house.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I feel the immense feeling that I am being watched over.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
couldnt believe it had happened.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing
--Religious Affiliation:
none practising. I have my own belief.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
She was not celebrated enough as a wonderful person.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
Not feeling as devastated as I always imagineed that I would
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
she never told me.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
That they are ok and it was meant to be and that they were in a
better place now. this would make me happy.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I always dream about my gran and always give her a big hug when I
see her. I always know when I am dreaming and so in my dream I am
aware that she is really dead.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That every close family member is included in decisions such as
music at the funeral and scattering of the ashes as I didnt get
to scatter my grans ashes and I hate to think that this was not a
private and personal event.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I wish I knew how and when it was going to happen. It scares me
to think that tomorrow I might not be here and I never knew it.
Also that it may have been preventable.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
She was an honest,loving and deep thinking girl, a real worrier,
always thinking about the things other people dont give much
thought to. Very intouch with nature and fascinated by everything.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I went to see a psychic medium and she came through (although I am
sceptical) but he did say if you have a guardian angel it is her.
I already felt this. I wave a little wave at her house as I pass by.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I wave a little wave as I pass by her house and when I am on my own
in the car I think if I swear to myself at another driver she will
hear me and not like it.
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How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
I didnt go and see her that night when it happened and neither did
my dad
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Wed Jul 13 21:26:41 2005
F29 in Toronto, Ontario =Canada=
Name: Angela
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
google search on friendly death
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Prof/Studies: Market research
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Husband, 8 Months ago.
Cause of Death: heart attack; Aged: 31 yrs.
--Details:
I wasn't there but I wish i had been. He died quickly and without
pain but it left the biggest hole in my life as he was my best
friend.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
an ending of our life as we know it with the possibility of starting
a new one
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't understand it.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the profound feeling of loss and abandonment(he abandoned me and
I abandoned him)
--What I think my (Canada) culture needs to better learn about death is:
how to talk about it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that we got to spend one last day together.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
the tv.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
most of my friends have either left me or don't know how to talk
to me anymore
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don';t say "i'm sorry" say "how can I help" and really mean it
--[My Husband's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
(sorry there is nothing)
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I didn't (and still don't) quite know where I belong or what to do
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
i was just having a nervous reaction ( laughing and crying are
caused by the same system in the brain)
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
I wish I would have caled him at work during the day the day he died
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
nothing again
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
the day after a bunch of my husband's friends and myself all got
together and talked about him all day and well into the night just
an outpouring of grief and love and support
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
don't know
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
all the time
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
things would be like they used to be and I would be happy again
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that he died
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
be with him one way or another
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
was alone, without my frend (that's what we called each other)
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
they tried they're best (he was dead before he hit the ground)
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
n/a
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing I don't belong to a organized religion but I do believe
in something out there and that is what gets me to the next day is
knowing that we will be together again
--Religious Affiliation:
Celtic Pagan
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
grief
--Regarding MONEY:
my finances improved because I got a cheque from his insurance and
his mother paid for the funeral
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
there were a lot of people there and I knew he was loved
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
The dreams I have of him now are very different in nature and he
is always dead but either doesn't know or he come s to comfort me
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he died too quickly
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
n/a
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
We had a good friend ship and he died with a clean slate between us
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I love you and miss you please wait for me,same from him except
I will
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
He has come to me three times once he laid beside me and just held
me (even my cat knew he was there) 2days after, second he told me
he would be close and the third time I was about to fall asleep
and I knew he was there I could see him (in great detail)
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
That the rights of the dying out weigh those of the people who wil
be left behind as it is their life and their death
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I welcome it then we could be together again
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
all I want it to say is "she was a good friend"
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I just talk to him as if he were still here
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I eat better and I stopped eating so much meat
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Yes with his male best friend, we have become good friends
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Nothing at all
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
it made me ralise that I may not be as far along as I would like
to be in this process
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
no they are good
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Mon Jul 11 08:40:59 2005
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Friend, 3 Days ago.
Cause of Death: being stabbed ; Aged: 20.
--Details:
totally unprovoked attack which was unnessacary and has caused so
many lives to change. he was a gorgeous smart funny boy who didnt
deserve this
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the knowledge that you will not physically see this person active
again. never hear their voice see them smiling
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
had to be strong for my mother who broke down
--That first time, how it happened was
my nan, i was very close although for the last few months i hadn't
been allowed to see her. she died of cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
good times and pictures
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
talking about it more
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
he will never grow old and ugly, he will forever remain the gorgeous
boy he was
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
never hearing their voice again or having a hug
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Ability to Forget
many more have happened since
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Tue Jul 5 19:45:51 2005
F42 in Missouri =U.S.=
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Found us by: [ Other: ]
I stumbled on this site looking for information of grief.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Necessary Losses
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
Judith Voist (not sure of the last name, since it was a borrowed
book)
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Son, 13 Months ago.
Cause of Death: a traffic accident; Aged: 24.
--Details:
I am still not sure what the details of my sons death are, and
it has been 13 months. His residence is MO and he was killed in
TX where he was contracted to build a water supply tower. I was
told different stories by the young man in the accident with my
son, the company that employed my son, the Highway Patrol, county
police, and the wrecker service. The young man that was with my
son admitted to being the driver of the vehicle at first, then he
said that he was a passenger and yanked the steering wheel out of
my sons hands. He admitted this in front of two highway patrol,
three county police officers, and a tow truck driver, at the scene
of the wreck and was arrested. He was released after calling an
attorney and saying that he doesn't remember anything; there were
no witnesses to what actually happened, just what he said after
the fact. I was informed that I could hire an attorney and try
to have the boy charged with manslaughter, but, that it would be
costly and I probably would not win without a witness. I have a
hard time understand why admitting a crime in front of witnesses
that are officers of the law is not a big deal.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the loss of more than someone you love, it is the loss of your own
personal identity. With that person missing, you have to learn to
live all over again, filling in the void.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
expected it for a couple of years before it happened, so the process
did not seem as difficult as losing my son.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the element of shock and pain. For the longest time, and maybe
even to a certain degree now, I can not believe that I have to go
through my days without my son. The pain in my chest is as strong
today as when it happened, if not worse, because I miss him more.
--What I think my (U.S.) culture needs to better learn about death is:
nothing is wrong about any "process" of grief, unless it is
self-destructing.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
learning that life is an accumulation of seconds, not days, weeks
or years. Every second matters, so I never put anything important
off. If someone is on my mind, I call them. If someone calls me,
I talk to them, no matter what I am doing.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
writing in journals. Although I had many family members, friends
and support groups available to me, writing my deepest anguish was
the best relief I found.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
and still is... knowing I will never be able to hug my son again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
don't try to say the right thing. There is NO right thing to say.
Just offer hugs and an ear.
--[My Son's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
am not afraid to stop in mid-stream (so to speak) and change
direction. I have learned to know that if you don't do now what
you have always wanted to do, you may not ever be able to.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the stories about how he died kept changing. The anguish from not
knowing was causing nightmares and severe depression. I finally
understood that no matter how he died he was gone and nothing would
change that.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I don't remember ever laughing out loud.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
make that last call. Just hours before my son was killed, I
picked up the phone to call him, and decided to do it first thing
in the morning.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
get up in the morning.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
a couple of the people that knew my son, but I did not, wrote me
letters about how they met him and what he meant to them.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
how my son would have wanted things done... the casket, the flowers,
the ceremony... it seemed senseless to think that someone that has
passed would care about any of that.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I have never thought that I was over it. I have not made it one
day without getting teary eyed.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would be normal. Nothing seems normal or standard anymore.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that my son loved life, people, and took care of himself much more
than most people I know, yet in a split second his life was gone.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
?... If I feel like crying, I do. If the pressure is too great,
I walk, or write, or meditate. I don't wish for anything.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
I remember screaming no so loudly that everything around me turned
white, then being carried into the house and my throat hurting
from screaming.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Take a pill and get over it. No one accepts the fact that grief is
a process and there is no right way to do it. Pills only prolong
the process, or become the process.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
something organized. I have never connected with any one organized
religion or church.
--Religious Affiliation:
I have affiliated with catholic, baptist, and presbyterian. I have
never been able to appreciate how they have seperated themselves.
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
real. I consider myself very spiritual, although organized religions
condemn my beliefs.
--Regarding MONEY:
money brought the vultures out. 1) Lawyers called wanting to sue for
various things. 2) Debtors were all notified just days afterwards,
and their only concern was when was probate (understandable) 3)
The funeral home played on our loss. I felt pushed into spending
unnecessarily.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
deciding whether to have an open or closed casket and being
on schedule. After the decision was made (closed) the funeral
director was worried about my touching my son and getting everyone
out by 7:00 p.m.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
everything. My son should have been planning my funeral, picking
my headstone, and deciding who got my belongings.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
there was no sign this would happen. I think that in the case of
an unexpected death, nothing really helps.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I didn't feel that I fit into any process. Although I went through
the stages of shock, denial, anger and acceptance, I didn't fit
the order or seem to have an end.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
he didn't have one that I know of.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I just miss him.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
They are personal and unbelievable but never cease to happen.
At first I would have said that they were all psychological, but
even I am not that imaginative.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
A living will. My son had mentioned that he wanted to be cremated,
but it became a very big issue. Me and my other children have
openly shared our wishes.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'm not concerned about it at all.
--What might you like your obit to say of you:
Loving mother, if one is written. I feel that obituaries are for
the survivor's comfort. I really don't care what mine says, or if
there is one.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I write what is on my mind and how I am feeling, in a notebook or
journal; whatever is available. In the beginning I did this for
comfort,then I decided that maybe it would be useful to someone
to have evidence of what take place in the mind of someone that
"goes crazy" or commits suicide, because I considered it daily.
Every holiday or special event, I write a letter to my son, and
meditate afterwards. If and when I have a "dark" moment, I write
about it.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
Writing
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I've noticed that I meet no strangers. No real significant
relationships.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Knew it was coming
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Just let me be without needing a reason. If I want to smell my sons
jacket, I don't need to have to explain why... if I want to dedicate
money in his name, or build something in his name... don't label
me as idiolistic, or building shrines. It is a process to help heal.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
My feelings are that I hope someone comes up with a more realistic
study of grief. It seems that most researchers stay in the path
of the known.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I think maybe you should include a timeline with specific feelings.
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Sat Jul 2 12:48:28 2005
F33 in Denver, Colorado =United States=
Name: Jennifer
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Customer Service
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of GrandMother, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: Heart Trouble; Aged: 84.
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--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The song at the time "I hope you Dance" by JoDee Messina.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
That everyone is different when it comes to healing and grievng.
Not everyone can get over a death as easily as the next person. We
need to have compassion and understanding for each person dealing
with a death close to them.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
I know that their spirits surround us and watch over us all.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My family and relatives. Just dancing when I could to show my love
for her.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Being there when she passed away. Seeing her lying there on the
bed, still hooked to the machines, body still warm. Wishing that
she would wake up and smile.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Letting them have a shoulder to cry and vent on. Letting them know
they can talk about anything. Being strong for them.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
Be there that day when she went in for surgery. I took the day
off work to be there. I also asked her to be my Valentine, because
the 14th was coming soon. Got to see her smile before she went in.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
She gave me her two rings that she was wearing at the time before
she went into surgery.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I think about how the most precious gift she ever gave me was stolen.
My Grandma Sara's engagment and wedding ring.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
It would still be the same as when she was here; living with my
parent's, I would be able to see her, talk and especially HUG her!!
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Be up there with her and Ashleigh(my cat that was killed by a coyote)
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Shock, disbelief. Felt like I had something to do with her death.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Great hope, they did their best in trying to save her and make
her well.
--Regarding MONEY:
We were able to fly out to North Carolina to bury her next to
my Grandpa.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
A sense of peace and love for my grandma. She was well known in
the community.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I feel as if she is always there. We find pennies out of nowhere,
we believe they are her way of saying "HI".
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
She knew that she was going to pass away. She had a notebook that
she always wrote in, kinda like a diary, there was a note a the
end stating, "That she Loved us all".
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Tell her that I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH!!! Hug her, tell her how sorry
I'am for losing those rings. That she would tell me it's alright,
not to be upset anymore.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
That saturday of her burial. We went back to the hotel that we
stayed at. My sister and I shared a room. She left with my dad
to go get some gifts for the kids(niece and nephew), my bed was
on the far side of the room away from the heater/ac unit. I was
facing the wall and thinking about my grandma, when i felt like
someone sat down next to me and brushed my bangs away from my face.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Always go by the wishes of the person that is dying, especially if
they have a Living Will. This is what they want to have happen.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Dancing
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I met my boyfriend, Bryan, online last August. She knew how much
I wanted to find someone to share my life with, I feel that she
did have a part in this meeting.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
How'd I do? Very Difficult
What Helped me most deal with death? Memories to hold
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Abandonment
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It has helped, don't like rehasing feelings, but understand that
is the way to heal.
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See Jun 05 contributions.
See May 05 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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