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See Current contributions.
See Apr 02 contributions.
See Mar 02 contributions.
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Fri May 31 04:06:32 2002
F44 in adelaide, south australia =australia=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: accountant
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
a book called something like - into the light,beyond the light...
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Parents, 5 Years ago.
Cause of Death: cancer treatment; Aged: 64.
--Details:
Yes. He had completed chemotherapy and agreed to a final experimental
stem cell therapy treatment which would prolong his remission.a
wrong combination of drugs was given causing kidney failure and
liver failure which ultimately caused his premature, painful death
within weeks of the final treatment. He asked them to remove all
drips,drugs etc and be allowed to go home to die which he did after
24 hours at home. He was given narcotics for pain when he arrived
home and fell asleep,then fell into a coma within hours.He was
stripped naked by the nurses, treated like a child and had he not
died within a day I would have given him an overdose of the drugs
we had been left with. He was gagging on his saliva,agitated but
couldn't open his eyes,couldn't speak and was fairly paralysed. But
we knew he could hear us.He couldn't cough. He died within minutes
when I whispered to him that I would give him the overdose. I was
sure that he let go because he didn't want me to get into trouble.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
the end of existence. Close your eyes and then nothing. Not even
dreams. The end of all feeling,all knowing. Our body shuts down
and then we are no more.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt depressed. How can we be happy knowing that this awaits us
all. The death of loved ones. The death of ourselves.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The look on my fathers face when he knew that it was hopeless. I
will never forget the look when all hope is lost. When there is
nothing you can say. Nothing you can fix and make right.His look of
despair and his fear and tears.And his clinging to dignity while
his clothes were removed and the look he gave when they no longer
bothered to sterilise his skin and the needles.
--What I think my (australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Euthanasia for those that want it.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
Nothing
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Books about life after death
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the anger at having to lose him because of a mistake.Because the
medical profession failed to treat him properly. They used a cheaper
drug of which the side effect was kidney failure even though we
had offered to pay for the drug which would not cause that side
effect. We were too stressed to insist and then it was too late.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
when they are paralysed and trying to communicate remember to ask
questions and get them to squeeze your hand in reply. Also remember
to use a suction when they can't clear their throats. There must be
nothing worse than to slowly drown and know that people are around
you doing nothing to help.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never laughed but I stayed awake for 48 hours and din't feel at
all tired. I also drank quite a bit of scotch after he died. We
sat around and drank.Bit like a wake.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
intervene in his medical treatment. Next time I will not
automatically trust that they are doing all that they can. Next
time I will realise that they watch the clock like everyone else
and knock off and move on to the next patiient and take a coffee
break and forget about the patients tests etc etc.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be there. That i could give him extra pain relief and drugs to keep
him asleep.although i will always wonder if he would have wanted
to be awake a little longer...
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
a song plays that was played at the funeral- its a beautiful
world...or I wanna hold your hand by the beatles...
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
I said that exact sentence to Dad and he said - it happens in every
family Gaye..
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
just forget the suffering. I know that he would want me to remember
the good times but every time I think of him I remember the time
with him at home. I think of the things that i didn;t do. Like
sucking out the saliva when he was unable to cough. Like asking
him a question and getting him to squeeze my hand.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Production line. Next patient please. Too busy. Costs too much. No
time.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
that they treat people like children. They stripped him off in
front of his children and we had never seen him naked. He would
have been embarressed and felt even more hopeless. They didn;t
treat him with dignity.
--Regarding MONEY:
we had the money but were not allowed to use it..
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the ridiculous routines. we chose to lose most of them. we chose
dance music to end the funeral service. we were the last to leave
not the first.we didn;t talk religion. we simply told his life
story. the thing that bugs me the most is when they say that they
are now at peace. that he was now resting. It is stupid. He didn;'t
need to rest. He had been fit,muscular and full of life. He was
now at peace. No, he is not at peace he is now nowhere at all ?
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
laboured breathing.Paralysis. Gurgling sound.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
nothing I'm afraid. He never woke up. Nothing happened.
I looked
up at the end but saw nothing.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Mid-Life
How'd I do? Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Mystical Studies
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Ability to Forget
anger at medical profession. blaming them for inadequate
treatment.they used a wrong combination of drugs which caused kidney
failure.he was otherwise in remission.
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Wed May 29 16:38:29 2002
F46 in Richmond, VA =USA=
Email: <bates23234=at=aol.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Executive Secretary
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Aunt, Years ago.
Cause of Death: lupus; Aged: .
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--Death Is:
the rejoining with our God. We each have a living spirit and its
God's spirit that gives us depth. When the vessel which we know
it to be our physical bodies has been worn out, we return to the
spirit world which is only a blink of an eye away.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 8 years old but pretty mature. I understood a lot of things
and i felt a lot of things.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
seeing my aunt's spirit.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
we are here on earth on borrowed time. We were put here to do a
job for God.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
each time I have an encounter with a loved one who has passed on,
it prepares me for what lies ahead.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
knowing God was right there for me.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing the physical part has gone.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
trust in God and let him lead you. Don't be afraid.
--[My GrandFather's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
rejoiced in his passing over into the world we both talked about
all the time. He left this world the way he wanted too, very
swiftly. He was in church that day and he took communion. Later,
he started picking apples in the fruit orchard for sister and the
next moment, he was gone. My grandfather shared a lot when he was
living. I wrote him letters once a week and talked to him over the
telephone and I never forgot to tell him that I love him. He has
since visited me many times, both in my dreams and while awake.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
nothing was confusing.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
Actually, my spirituality, my oneness with God. I know our loved
ones are very near.
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Wed May 29 16:37:36 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 30 Years ago.
Cause of Death: leudemia; Aged: 53.
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--Death Is:
the end of ones life on earth and most likley the beginning of the
most important life in heaven
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
felt bad but knew the person was old/
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The person stretching and looking peaceful just the second before
death.
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
Not to be afraid
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
The smile on my dad face.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
a book, but I can't remember the title
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
My mom's reaction to dad's death and never getting past anger,
and blaming me
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Talk with them about what matters to them. Keeping them informed
as to what is happening in the family and letting them know they
are loved
--[My Father's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
regret no telling him how much he ment to me.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
death was 3 weeks from diagnosis
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
to tell him hsi grandchildren would know him and know what a special
man he was
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
my grand children are here and my dad never got to know them.
His grandchild are people to be very proud of and he missed their
lives, which were so wonderful/.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that so many are in nursing homes wanting to dye and some still so
young with somuch life to live being robbed.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Run
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
NO!!
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
appreciation.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
My dad talked of his mother. He called out to her.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
During child birth, they gave me too much spinal anethisia and I was
driffting away, couldn't breath, did not panic, was totally relaxed
and going away untill the doctor hed my baby girl up to my face
and I couln't leave her. I chose to come back and raise my family.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
After a death of neice my daoughter was more htan distraught.
She was horrible to deal with due to all the anger in her . we had
an enornous argument one night when we were home alone. I left the
house for awhile to calm down. I came home and got into the bath
tub but was sobbing so hard. I very cold breze came underneath the
bathroom door and blew the towel hanging above me over my face and
dired my tears. It was either my grandma or my dad telling me it
was going to be OK. It did get OK.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Pre-Teen
How'd I do? Well
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Guilt
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Wed May 29 16:23:46 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
What Helped me most deal with death? Prayers
Actually, my spirituality, my oneness with God. I know our loved
ones are very near.
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Mon May 27 19:50:23 2002
F28 in Omaha, NE =United States=
Name: Melissa Frazell
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
In the Yahoo site directories
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Prof/Studies: Sales Representative
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Crossing Over & One Last Time
Recommended Reading-- Writers:
John Edward
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 3 Years ago.
Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: 45.
--Details:
My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in January of 1998. She
passed away in May of 1999. She unfortunately had a rare type
of breast cancer called Inflamatory breast cancer. It is a very
rapid moving cancer. In her last weeks, after we were told there
was nothing else they could do, we took care of my Mom at home,
where she died.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
when a body/soul is through with their current life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was 7 years old. My Grandfather died of a heart attack.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
a lot of pain, crying, and wondering why.
--What I think my (United States) culture needs to better learn about death is:
the Afterlife. There are a lot of people who are afraid to die. I
was one of those people. After my Mom died, I started reading books
on the subject. Especially about the Afterlife. I truly believe that
when someone dies, they go the "the other side". No one lives once
and just dies, and goes away. We live mutliple lives. It comforted
me very much to know my Mom and numerous other close relatives are
still around, and can see what is happening with me and my family.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
finding the book "One Last Time" by John Edward in my Mom's room
after she died. It really helped me to know my Mom has just crossed
over. Although I still miss her more than words can express, it
has helped a great deal to know she's really not that far away,
and I will see her again.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
My friends and family. Everyone was there for me, to talk, to get
things off my mind.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
everything. Knowing that we wouldn't see our Mom again until we
died. Knowing that my 2 younger siblings were probably having a
hard time dealing with it because of their ages. Wanting to pick
up the phone to call Mom to tell her something, but realizing I
couldn't. Knowing I can't just go over to Mom's house to talk,
to hug her.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to spend as much time with them as humanly possible. You don't
realize how much you will miss that person until they are gone. So,
in those last days, weeks or months, it is especially important
to spend time with them, ask them questions about their life, tell
them how much you love them and that it's ok to give up the fight.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
thought I was going to go crazy if I ever lost my Mom. But I
didn't. I was very very upset, and didn't want to go on with out
her. But the one thing that got me through was knowing my Mom would
want me to go on with my life as I should. I also realized she
needed me to be strong for my younger siblings.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughter is great medicine. My family is big into joking and
laughing. It's what helped us all get through all the tragedy. We
lost way too many loved ones in a short period of time.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
spend much more time with her. Ask her questions about her life,
important things I didn't know about.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we told Mom it was ok to go. She could stop fighting the battle
she so bravely fought.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a song that reminds me of a loved one, when I'm wathing
a movie or tv show that has a situation similar to what I went
through. Or even when I think about my upcoming wedding, and that
I won't have my Mom or Dad there, physically with me. When I look
through pictures, watch home videos or when an birthday, day of
death or Mother's/Father's Day arrives.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
why me, what did I do to deserve this.. so many thoughts went
through my mind. I was pissed off, mad, upset, crying all the time,
feeling sorry for myself.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
wish it all away or rewind the clock to try and prevent it all.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
disbelief. Even though we knew it was coming, I guess I was still
hoping some miracle would happen.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
bad experiences.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
Good. They were very helpful and caring.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
honestly, nothing. I was raised as a Catholic, but do not practice
today. I am a very spiritual person who believes and prays to God,
but do not feel the need to attend church services every Sunday to
make me a good person.
--Religious Affiliation:
past affiliation is Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
very true. I believe once a person dies, they go to the other
side.. similar to what Catholic religion calls Heaven.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
the love present. Everyone there loved our Mom very very
much. Although everyone was crying, and very sad and upset, there
was a lot of caring and love present and felt.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
for my Mom with breast cancer, some of the signs she was slipping
away was: not wanting to get out of bed, appetite completely gone,
trying to talk but not making any sense (everything came out as
jibberish), sleeping more and more, bad smelling urine.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I am still in the process. For the most part, I have dealt with
what has happened. But there are days where I, again, get upset and
wonder why, say it's not fair. But, I try to remind myself that my
loves ones are still around me, even though not physically. I have
very loving and fond memories of everyone.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I would hope all of my loved ones would say they are proud of
me. That they see what is going on in my life, and they are happy
and proud.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
I've had numerous dreams involving loved ones who have
passed. Probably many more than I remember, as I do not always
remember what I dream about. I read in a book that when you "dream"
about a loved one who has passed, many times it is them visiting
you. I've had a few of these happen. I dreamt I was walking
or sitting with my Mom, and just talking. About what, I am not
certain. It was very comforting.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I was once very afraid of death. Although I do not want to die
anytime soon, as I'm only 28, I am no longer afraid to die. I now
take comfort in the knowledge that I will pass over to the Other
Side and see my loved ones again, and eventually live another life
as another person.
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
I have a very close and loving family that helped me understand
what was happening.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Lack of Awareness
I was so young, I didn't know how to deal and cope with it.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
Yes it has. This month is an especially hard one for me, as there is
the anniversary of the death of my Mom, her birthday, and Mother's
Day. This has helped me realize how far I have matured, and dealt
with death.
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Sat May 25 23:00:31 2002
F44 in =usa=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
yahoo
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of dog, 5 Months ago.
Cause of Death: disease; Aged: 10.
--Details:
after long illness
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--Death Is:
a journey beyond this life to the bardo (intermediate stage) and
reincarnation based upon merits of previous life.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
didn't really understand it
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
thinking that I had made a mistake to euthanize my dog
--What I think my (usa) culture needs to better learn about death is:
to think more about people and do nice things for them when they
are still alive
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
becomming a buddhist and believeing in reincarnation
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
meditation
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
filling the void that person or pet left
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
be there before they die too
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
she looked at me just before she died
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
I never laughed
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
afford more medical care
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be w/ her & for the years we shared
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I look at her pictures
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
would be the same
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that her disease was genetic
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
turn back time
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
it was all a joke
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
coldness
--Religious Affiliation:
Kadampa Buddhism
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
other people don't understand how traumatic losing an animal can be-
it is not any "easier" than losing a person
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
none
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
a friend told me about one once, but he was so into drugs that I
question it- has never happened to me
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
we are at peace
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I think funerals and burials are a colossal waste of money- donate
money to a charity instead and just cremate my body- be nice to
people when they are still alive
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
If I knew I were going to die soon, I'd arrange homes for all my
pets and for someone to sell my belongings to benefit charity. If I
could do it, I would want to visit the Dalai Lama before I died.
I would tell my family what a living hell thay have made my life,
altho I suppose the Dalai Lama would talk me out of that LOL!
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
no, I prefer to deal w/ it alone
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Disbelief it could happen
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
My best friend lost her mom and it was hard and I feel like there
is noting I can do to help her- that is, nothing I did really helped
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Thu May 23 13:47:20 2002
M47 in Springfield, PA =USA=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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More personal info:
Please do not post my e-mail address but you may reach me for
furhter comment.
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 18 Months ago.
Cause of Death: lung/brain cancer; Aged: 73.9.
--Details:
She smoked too much for too many years.
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--Death Is:
life as we know it coming to an end.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
accepted it pretty well. I knew death happened probably because
not-so-close neighbors died before someone (I knew about) in my
family died.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Being still and how it drew me even closer to my brother.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Actually, my family handles it rather well.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
An image that raised from the deepest recesses of my brain while I
was at my Mother's death bed of myself as a small child in my home
living room looking up at my mother's beauty.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that my brother was going through an identical experience.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
Knowing that I wouldn't be able to have my Mother back in a mentally
and physically healthy condition on earth again.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Provide sincere assurance to the dying person that you'll be ok.
--[My 's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Although I might believe that some responses to death are similar
across people e.g. disbelief, I'm not sure anyone else's reactions
can be affected by knowing my reactions in advance.......did that
make sense to you???
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
How time was warped in the months before and after Mom died.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Doesn't apply.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Just recently, I thought that I never said to Mom that she should
stop smoking........it likely wouldn't have made a difference,
but maybe it would have. I also knew that, in its own way, it
assisted her to lower her anxiety...what a trade-off.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
have my family and friends around me.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
I went to order the Gravestone to be engraved with Mom's name.
I didn't expect myself to be tearful and near-paralyzed.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Mass Cards - although we appreciated the gesture, they just didn't
seem to matter. I'm probably mis-informed about these things... I
think I thought you could trade them in for a Mass to be said in
the deceased's name. It's still unclear.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I know I'm not "over it all" yet. I refrian from trying to project
what might happen.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Maybe I'm too seeped in reality for this at this time.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
An interesting thing a client once said to me after her mother died
was..."that the sun should rise so beautifully on the day after my
Mother died" For myself, it's that Mom didn't treat herself better
during her lifetime.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
go way back in time and re-arrange things so she wouldn't have been
so troubled. You did say wish.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Realized it was the truth.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Their not "God" ... Mom's condition was terminal - the docs knew
it and my family knew it. We directed our energy towards tolerance
and comfort.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
the folks at hospice were hugely patient and understanding in the
pre-sign-up phase. I felt at ease in all of my interactions with
hospice personell. I was grateful for their "being there."
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
A system to rely on to guide Mom's soul onto Heaven.
--Religious Affiliation:
Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
like an unexplainable explanation that says it's there and that's
why we call it faith.
--Regarding MONEY:
Strangely enough, it played a role in providing structure and a
reality check in the process.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
I believe people were genuinely in the processwith us.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
I can't connect with "wierd" right now.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
I watched a nine day process of steady decline from excitement to
comfort, steady loss of appetite, stillness.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
I couldn't have gotten through it without my brother and prayer.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
Hasn't happened.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
Hasn't happened.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My brother and I have been over this...we've had to reach some
conclusions that we'll have to live with the answer that there are
no answers to some of the issues, that we can't change the past,
and to have gratitude for our rewarding experiences.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
Too dreamy for me.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Hasn't happened.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I should probably take action, soon, to arrange my funeral.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
I'd probably become more prayerful, I'd want to stay in the
healthiest state possible with regard to my decline and realistic
about the quality of life I might maintain. I'd listen closely to
what my doc tells me but as long as I could get around I'd probably
go to all the places my health would allow. If I were confronted
today that I had weeks or months to live, I'd like to hope that
I'd proceed with courage and respect for myself and others.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
Visiting Mom's gravesite, usually with my brother has been
helpful. As well as keeping an open dialogue with my brother or my
wife. I've also been very open with co-workers in their experiences
with death. Interestingly, several of my co-workers, at the hospice
where I work as the Bereavement Coordinator(for nearly three years)
have also lost their mothers. (N.B. Mom wasn't signed on with the
hospice I work for)
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I believe I've always been sensitive to others' losses: but, now
that I've experinced such a major loss, it probably reaches some
further dimension inside of me when I hear of others' personal
losses(...did you ask if I was "over it all"?) All I could ask
is that I don't lose the sensitivity. I still believe that no
experiences are identical; still, my emotions are often validated
by what others go through. Change is an option.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Hasn't happened.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Nothing at all
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
It would've been helpful if my company had Bereavement benefit days.
When I left work early the day after Mom was buried, it was helpful
when someone told me I did the right thing.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It definitly helped by putting things down in writing.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
Some of the questions were a bit wordy - re-think for simplicity.
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Wed May 22 01:41:46 2002
M67 in Bangkok, =Thailand=
Name: Franklin Gold
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Playwright
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More personal info:
I have written a play dealing with death. The first two acts deal
with physical death the third act will deal with the BARDO.
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Aunt Zenna's Pink Coffin
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
What Helped me most deal with death? Religion/Clergy
Was a Buddhist monk for 35 years
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Tue May 21 00:47:33 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Father, 6 Months ago.
Cause of Death: pnuemonia; Aged: 76.
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--Death Is:
A time when the Lord removes our physical bodies from the earth. Our
spirits remain on earth with our loved ones.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
lost my mom.
--That first time, how it happened was
mother died of cancer
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
how they are gone forever and never coming back
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the memories shared; having been fortunate enough to have wonderful,
loving parents
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
losing dad, and feeling like my most important family member was gone
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
let yourself grieve
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
i was alone
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
What Helped me most deal with death? Guilt
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Zoning Out
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Fri May 17 21:53:35 2002
F27 in Little Rock, Arkansas =United States of America=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Hospice Social Worker
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of , Years ago.
Aged:
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Adult
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Distractions
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Tue May 14 14:00:53 2002
F44 in Clyde, Texas =USA=
Email: <rainbows=at=camalott.com>
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
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Prof/Studies: Special Projects Coordinator, Hendrick Hospice Care
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Recommended Reading-- Titles:
Final Gifts
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 1 1/2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: massive stroke; Aged: 72.
--Details:
She was healthy one day, and died the next day. I had noticed
some slight slurring of speech in previous weeks, and attributed
this to medication. She 'stroked' very early in the morning, but
was not found until early evening.
She died shortly after being
removed from life support, at our request. (no medical directive)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
begun from birth. Many fear it, some embrace its coming. It is a
culmination of life, whether lived well or wasted.
It is certain
to occur; however, we are privy to this information.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was totally excluded from all aspects of the death.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
the final sounds from my mother and father as the life support
equipment was stopped.
--What I think my (USA) culture needs to better learn about death is:
Grief takes time and should be focused on as needed. Children need
to be informed about events surrounding death, as well as allowed
to grieve in their own way, and in their own time.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
that my parents died before the September 11th attacks on the World
Trade Towers.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
thinking about it and making my own sense of it.
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
feeling that I should be strong for everyone else in the family,
and making arrangements.
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
to give them a full contact hug. Most caregivers will pat a dying
loved one's hand or caress their brow. I think I would feel so safe
and secure if someone would put their arms around me and envelope
me in their love. I would feel as though a parting gift had been
given to me.
--[My In-Laws's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
realized that my mother-in-law was more special than I would ever
know, and that my father-in-law was only human, after all.
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
the funeral was being planned. Trying to adhere to everyone's
wishes was confusing and trying.
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
laughing was a stress-reliever at that particular moment.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
help my mom grow emotionally.
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
be with them when they died. I'm also thankful that I was able to
adhere to my dad's wishes for a graveside service.
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
we had an awfully good time, laughing and telling stories, as we
planned Mom's funeral.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
who would pay for the large coffin flower arrangement?
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I see my mom or dad's mannerisms in my siblings.
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
Mom would still be my mom, and I would not feel the need to 'mother'
my mom.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that I have to be in charge.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
travel for a year, to be relieved of all the responsibilities I've
placed upon myself.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
should have been there or called her.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
disgust. The attending physician introduced ice water into my
mom's ears to prove to us that she was unresponsive. We had seen
her x-rays and knew she was unresponsive. The ice-water thing was
totally unnecessary, and the doctor seemed to enjoy it too much.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
extreme gratitude. I began volunteering with the Hospice that took
care of family members, and now work with them, as Coordinator of
their kids' grief recovery programs.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
little at the time. Personally, I know that God chooses when
we die, but He also gives us the choice of leading a good or
not-so-good life.
--Religious Affiliation:
Church of Christ
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
right.
--Regarding MONEY:
it was agreed by all siblings that I would handle financial affairs.
I was also the independent executrix of the estate.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
my mom's funeral was held in the same church in which she married.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
experiencing a decided lack of feeling for several days. This ended
as we left my mom's grave.
--SOME OF THE COMMON SIGNS OF DEATH :
'glazing' or 'milkiness' of the eyes as they dry out. Saying things
that made no sense to me, but I'm sure did to them. Breathing
patterns seems to change immediately before death.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
witnessing their deaths was an honor and privilege. I also
was permitted to help bathe their bodies in preparation for the
funeral home.
--RE: Visions from the 'Other Side':
I don't think any of the deaths I have experienced (12 deaths in
10 years of close family members) included this phenomena. I do
thing that my mother-in-law waited to be alone with my father-in-law
to die. Her daughter would not leave the room, but was forced to
at some point. She died as soon as they were alone.
--RE: Near Death Experiences:
This is not applicable to me.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
My mom chose a personal activity to attend two days before she
died, instead of attending my daughter's band concert. I was hurt.
I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter to me, but what about
my daughter? My kids didn't 'fall all over' my mom as her other
grandkids did, and I feel that she 'paid them back.'
Resolution
of this issue will come in time. You know, God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change, etc.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I might have hoped that my mom would tell me that she was sorry she
misrepresented the details of my parents' divorce, and admit that
she played a huge role in the divorce.
I would like to say to
her that I needed my mom always.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
A co-worker's mom died two weeks ago. She told me that during
a mother's day visit to the cemetery (one week after the death),
her toddler nephew began kissing the air near the headstone, and
it appeared that he was talking to his great-grandma. She said
this occurred twice.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
Advance Medical Directives
DNR status
Last will and testament/or
any revisions
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
People will hopefully remember me for my sense of humor. If I were
going to die very soon, I would want my children to know death and
not fear it.
I hope I will be remembered by those who love me.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
I intentionally relived the moment of death of both my parents
until it became a part of me. The repetition seemed helpful.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I feel specifically the need to help children and teens with
loss issues. I think God put me in this area for a reason.
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
Not really.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Helping Other People cope
Children's grief is of particular interest to me.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
Information deprivation
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
I have volunteered within the school system, the community and the
hospice where I now work.
I wish that someone would have listened
to me without reservations or time restraints.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
It's been very helpful in bringing me face-to-face with issues that
no one wants to hear about.
- - - Any other questions you feel we should have asked here?
I understood them all quite well, but only because of my background
in working with death and dying. Some questions might be made
simpler.
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Tue May 14 12:54:35 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
Jumping links while looking up Tibetan book of the dead
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1st Death event occurred in my life at: Teen Ager
How'd I do? A bit rough
What Helped me most deal with death? My Belief System
Feeling that it is unfair that someone is taken away midlife
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Wed May 8 13:15:05 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Class Project ]
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Cousin, 6 Years ago.
Cause of Death: drowning; Aged: 20.
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--Death Is:
When we cease to exist in mind and body.
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
kinda knew since I knew about animals dying, but I was very shocked
to hear that my grandfather would no longer be at my grandparents'
house when I was there.
--That first time, how it happened was
When I was six, there were about 5 deaths in the family, all
natural causes except for my uncle, who died of a prescribed
lithium overdose.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
The newspaper articles saying "Runnemede Man Missing," as well as
"20-year-old Man Found in Lake."
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
To allow people to grieve there own way.
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
When the priest told us that every time we drank a glass of water
we were taking some of Jeffrey into us.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
What Helped me most deal with death? Family's Sensitivities
Being open to communicating about it.
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? Family's Sensitivities
I believe everyone reacts to death differently. When people start
passing judgement on others' ways of dealing, things can get very
confusing for that person as well as others involved.
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Wed May 8 03:33:34 2002
F37 in Geraldton, Western Australia =Australia=
Name: Rosemaree Magro
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Found us by: [ Stumbled on it ]
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Prof/Studies: Lecturer - Community Services
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More personal info:
You are welcome to post my responses but not my email address. Thanks
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Mother, 28 Years ago.
Cause of Death: breast cancer; Aged: 40.
--Details:
Mis diagnosis
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--Death Is:
the end
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
was angry for a long time.
--That first time, how it happened was
My mother died of cancer two weeks after her 40th birthday. I was
nine years old.
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
feeling alone, lost
--What I think my (Australia) culture needs to better learn about death is:
should not be hidden
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
the memories, even though there are only a few.
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
my sisters
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
the very physical emotional pain
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
lots of things, laughter, silence, touch etc.
--[My Mother's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
Value people not things
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
I wasn't included in the funeral - becuse mum had hted seeing
children at funerals.
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Get to know her - I have to rely on the memories of my sisters.
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
Having distant relatives I barely knew - hugging, patting me on
the head etc.
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear the "Where do you go to my lovely?" song on the radio -
I remember it being a favourite of mum's
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
I would like to think that I would be more confident. That I wouldn't
need to hang on to unhealthy friendships or relationships quite
so long.
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
She was such a gentle beautiful person.
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Talk to her - have her stroke my hair and make the hurt go away.
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
withdrawal from family.
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
Disappointment - they tried some experimental stuff which left
mum paralysed from the waist down for the last six months of her
life. I don't feel angry, I just think of the medical profession
as muddling around in most cases without much of a clue. I do hate
it though when people are in awe of them. It isn't deserved.
--Regarding HOSPICE etc:
In 1974 when my mother died - I don't know about the rest of the
world - but in Western Australia, children under 12 were not allowed
into the hospital ward for terminally ill people. So I didn't get
to see mum unless dad snuck me in.
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
Not much
--Religious Affiliation:
Non practicing Roman Catholic
--Regarding ONENESS of SPIRIT, etc:
Like a way to be less scared of death.
--Regarding MONEY:
My only memory of money at this time was that we had to sell a
block of land to pay for a marble head stone to be made.
--Regarding the FUNERAL:
That I wasn't allowed to be there - but I remember everyone coming
back to our house after the funeral and my grandfather blaming my
father for mum's death.
--The weirdest part of it all to me was:
How my friends at school would form a physical protective barrier
around me upon my return to school.
--SOME OF THE COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF:
It isn't a prescribed progression through stages. I have since lost
my father to cancer also and my grief leaps around the palce, goes
away for a while and then pops back. It is fluid and unpredicable.
--How might you deal with yet unresolved issues from a death?:
I don't have unresolved issues as such - more it was the lack of
time with my mother that is the regret. However, I borrow other
peoples memories of her when I can.
--If we were to visit one last conversation...
I wouldn't want to say anything I would just want to spend time
and listen.
--RE: After-death visits from our loved ones:
Three years ago, my then 17 year old nephew was involved in a
terrible car accident. He stopped breathing and was resusitated
at the scene. It was some time in hospital and then rehab before
he could come home. He is physically not to bad, but has head
injuries. Anyway at the time of his accident I was living and working
400kms away. The night of the accident I had friends staying,
around the time of the accident (we were in bed) my phoneanswer
machine turned itself on and off a number of times. We had a look at
it but it didn't seem faulty. I have had no trouble with it before
or since this time. Anyway in the morning I was again woken by the
phone with one of my sisters telling me of the accident. As I went
to the phone I told my house guests that I had just had a terrible
dream. After the phone call as we prepared to travel to Perth I
told them about the dream, in it I was standing at the bottom of a
huge staircase. In my arms was a little boy of aboout 3 holding on
tightly to me. There was a woman in front of me (I think it was my
mother) who had her arms out reaching for the little boy. I tried
to give him to her - but he held tight to me. No one in the dream
spoke a word. That is all I remember.
--Regarding Rights & Wishes of the Dying:
I have already told my family that I want to be cremated. They
aren't happy about that but my partner Geoff will carry out my
wishes I am sure.
Also my fathers funeral cost a fortune and I
want mine done on the cheap. The money can be spent on the wake.
--Any thoughts about your own death?:
It scares me - four weeks ago I sat with my father as he died. He
didn't want to die and I will be the same. It stinks.
--Any Coping Ritual or Event you invented / devised to help you cope:
When I was a child I had an imaginery psychiatrist. He lived in the
wall of the toilet - across from where I sat.
Plus I am always
planting things, I more around alot and I guess it is my way of
leaving bits of me behind.
--Any Coping Rituals or Events which have carried over into your life?
I studied psychology and was a counsellor for a number of years -
now I lecture in the field of Community Services
--Any New Friends emerge in the shared grieving process of Death?
I have two surrogate mums - one is the Italian mother of a friend
I met not long after my mother died, I showed her a picture of
mum and she said that she new her face as she had visited her in
a dream and told her to watch out for me. The other is an Irish
woman who I felt a strong connection with as soon as we met. Not
long after that her 19 year old son was murdered. We have a strong
understanding of each other.
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Young Child
How'd I do? Adequate
What Helped me most deal with death? Passage of Time
What other choice is there but to deal with it?
What Hindered me most in my dealing with death? The Funeral
not being allowed to attend the funeral
--As for reaching out helping others now as part of my healing process:
Reach out - say SOMETHING don't avoid the grieving person because
"you don't know what to say" Just be a friend. Be there. and DON'T
give advice.
- - - Comments on this Questionnaire & collection GuestBook - - -
I'm really pleased I stumbled upon this questionnaire - good timing
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Fri May 3 08:52:33 2002
Anon Guest in =Unknown Locale=
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Found us by: [ Web Search: ]
looking around
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Most Significant Recent Death Exp was death of Lover, 2 Years ago.
Cause of Death: car accident; Aged: .
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - T O P I C A L S - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--Death Is:
natureal it happens deal with it and know that one day it will
happen to you.It is nothing to be feared even if energy does die
out in the end
--The first time I ever experienced someone's death, I
managed
--That first time, how it happened was
It was my grandfather and i was 3 and the only one in the house
with him when he died
--The Most Vivid memory I have of this most recent death is:
Blocking out the pain and making myself stronger by it
--What I think my () culture needs to better learn about death is:
talking about it.. comunication is at a lack here and it shouldnt
be ..Death is being made to fear when it is a well deserved gift
of completion
--One gift for which I shall always be grateful is:
how it helped me to grow up a little more
--What was of most support to me in my experience with death was:
alcohal (not that it really helped)
--And the most difficult for me in my experience with death was:
knowing that it really was the end
--Regarding just Being There for someone dying, my advice would be:
Remember to say everything and forget nothing because every moment
lives on forever
--[My Lover's] death taught me so much. I'd have others know how I:
have survived
--The most confusing point of death for me was when:
i touched him as he layed inside of his coffin .His body had become
an empty shell...That changed everything
--Regarding Humor in the death process, I'd just say that:
Sometimes the dead keep us from dying ourselves even though a part
of us always dies with them
--Not that it's a regret, but I would like to have better had time to:
Get things straight between us and to have not been mad at him when
it went down
--But some things worked out so well... I'm SO GLAD I was able to:
grow
--One seemingly minor thing (yet important) which impressed me was when:
i had to say remember when or refer to him as past tense
--And exactly backwards: what we didn't make a big deal of, was:
memorys (i would rather forget somtimes as to remember)
--I can get all teary-eyed just thinking about it all again when:
I hear a song or think that mabey i might fall in love again
--In another dimension of Life where this all had never happened...
funny but i so rarely think about what if he were still here i dont
know why i guess i havent even thought about that
--Sometimes I think: It's just not fair...
that someone so talented was taken away when i am nothing and ready
to go
--It's sometimes so very difficult. I just wish I could
Scream
--When it really hit me... when I realized & acknowledged the death, I
Cant and wont believe it and then i want to just get drunk and
party.. I wanted to forget
--Regarding MEDICINE, DOCTORS, etc:
satisfaction
--Regarding CHURCHES, RELIGION, etc:
nothing ... i guess i just found my own voice on that and felt the
earth tones
--Religious Affiliation:
undecided
- - - - - P e r s o n a l H i s t o r y - - - - -
1st Death event occurred in my life at: Very Young Child
How'd I do? Very Well
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See Apr 02 contributions.
See Mar 02 contributions.
See Current contributions.
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